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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

282 replies

mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:39

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude? Blush

OP posts:
LemonRedwood · 24/04/2021 09:51

Amongst my group of friends, whenever one of us has a BBQ we will all bring something. The host might get a large bit of meat but others will bring sausages, burgers, chicken wings, salads, crisps, desserts and then we all share. Same for alcohol - we all tend to bring stuff we'd like to drink but sharing always happens; the wine drinkers all share the wine, the beer drinkers all share the beer and everyone leaves me to my rum and coke.

Out of everyone I know, it's only my mum who might feel put out if someone brought something she hadn't specifically asked them to bring. This is down to her personal and cultural feeling that she must feed to bursting anyone who comes within a 50metre radius of her house and she alone should therefore cater for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lweji · 24/04/2021 09:51

I'm just reading the comments though and people saying it's rude to turn up with food full stop!

That's meant as bring your own food in the context of the thread.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:52

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

The pie thing - I guess if i was hosting I might be annoyed at having “pop” something in the oven if I’d planned things out either to a. Not have to have anything to do with the oven, or cooking inside, or b. Had other things in the oven and the pie wouldn’t fit / be different timings.

So if it created more work.

But if it’s your MIL surely you could offer to put it in the oven yourself? Or why not bring it cooked.

I agree with pps, it’s not on to bring something they have to cook, unless they’ve asked you to do so. Fine to bring salads / pudding / bread if asked etc

Yes, I get that! We live two hours away and it was pre-cooked but just needed to go in the oven to do the filo on top! Probably should have pre cooked the whole thing and served cold.

I am feeling so embarrassed now as I was really upset at the time. She made me feel awful for bringing something. Like I had insulted her!

Other family members had brought things too but she refused to cook mine. I just said no problem, but was quite upset. I was also 8 months pregnant so a bit sensitive!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:52

@Angrypregnantlady

Even though it was my MIL house? They had no hot food and all cold salads. I was just trying to help...

Yeah sorry I think that's rude. She's not intended to have the oven on and now you've made her put the oven on aswell as kind of making out that what they're putting on isn't good enough.

I'd be a bit put out if someone did that when I was hosting a bbq, I'd be perfectly British about it though and put the oven on for you and cook your pie, but I'd be a bit Hmm

Yikes! BlushBlush
OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 24/04/2021 09:52

My MIL always brings loads of things that need cooking... she's trying to be nice so I just say thank you but secretly I hate it. It just adds stress and makes me think she doesn't trust us to cater well enough.

I always ask the host what I can bring.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:54

Well looks like I made a mistake! I'll stick to wine/beers and flowers movings forwards Blush

I probably looked like a show off! BlushBlush

OP posts:
shouldistop · 24/04/2021 09:55

*Well looks like I made a mistake! I'll stick to wine/beers and flowers movings forwards

I probably looked like a show off!*

Or just ASK first

Lweji · 24/04/2021 09:55

She made me feel awful for bringing something. Like I had insulted her!

You did. She had cold food and you took warm food and what would have felt like a main course without checking with her.
Always check first.

mistermagpie · 24/04/2021 09:57

I don't think it's rude to bring something at all, but maybe we're a bit more of a 'the more the merrier' type of family? We're quite informal.

With our friends when someone has a bbq then everyone brings the meat (or whatever you want to actually cook on the bbq) for themselves and their family. The hosts provide the sides and the actual bbq itself. We're a family of five so I wouldn't want anyone having to fork out to feed us all, when really the bbq is just an excuse to hang out together. But we're all very laid back as friends and no way would anyone be offended by someone bringing food.

So in my world you did nothing wrong!

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:57

@Lweji

She made me feel awful for bringing something. Like I had insulted her!

You did. She had cold food and you took warm food and what would have felt like a main course without checking with her.
Always check first.

Christ she's my 82 year old mother in law, I was only trying to help her.
OP posts:
Angrypregnantlady · 24/04/2021 09:57

I don't think it's like a massive deal though, not like you shat on her dog.

Stop upsetting yourself over it and just ask next time, wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:58

@mistermagpie

I don't think it's rude to bring something at all, but maybe we're a bit more of a 'the more the merrier' type of family? We're quite informal.

With our friends when someone has a bbq then everyone brings the meat (or whatever you want to actually cook on the bbq) for themselves and their family. The hosts provide the sides and the actual bbq itself. We're a family of five so I wouldn't want anyone having to fork out to feed us all, when really the bbq is just an excuse to hang out together. But we're all very laid back as friends and no way would anyone be offended by someone bringing food.

So in my world you did nothing wrong!

My family are the same!

I wouldn't turn up to friends with a cooked meal though. My family all muck in though and everything is seen as a positive!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:58

@shouldistop

*Well looks like I made a mistake! I'll stick to wine/beers and flowers movings forwards

I probably looked like a show off!*

Or just ASK first

I DID ASK... she always says nothing. Just yourself. I thought that was rude.
OP posts:
Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:59

As in rude to turn up with nothing*

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 24/04/2021 10:00

It is rude to bring sides/ pudding without asking. And it's very rude to bring a pie to 'pop' in the oven.

If its dietary or intolerance reasons not rude although it's courtesy to say something in advance.

Offering to bring food is polite especially to a bbq.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 24/04/2021 10:00

As the OP of the thread I assume you're referring to, I'd have no problem whatsoever with someone bringing something to share and adding it to the buffet.

If it was a BBQ and I knew I'd be the only vegetarian there I'd offer to bring a pack of veggie burgers to avoid causing extra work - but still eat the baps and salad etc, and if they said they'd bought veggie burgers I'd eat those.

My thread was about people bringing stuff, not sharing, and not eating anything provided, all without explanation!

Very, very different.

RuggeryBuggery · 24/04/2021 10:00

I think it’s normal to bring a contribution but also normal to discuss it beforehand/give a heads up? Otherwise it’s not that helpful is it, you’ll just have too much stuff!

DungeonKeeper · 24/04/2021 10:01

I thought the whole point of a bbq was everyone brought some food and drink along.

shouldistop · 24/04/2021 10:02

I DID ASK... she always says nothing. Just yourself. I thought that was rude.

If she said nothing then it's even ruder to turn up with something like that.

Smartiepants79 · 24/04/2021 10:03

JUST ASK!!!!

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:03

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

As the OP of the thread I assume you're referring to, I'd have no problem whatsoever with someone bringing something to share and adding it to the buffet.

If it was a BBQ and I knew I'd be the only vegetarian there I'd offer to bring a pack of veggie burgers to avoid causing extra work - but still eat the baps and salad etc, and if they said they'd bought veggie burgers I'd eat those.

My thread was about people bringing stuff, not sharing, and not eating anything provided, all without explanation!

Very, very different.

Christ, it's not about your thread. It's about the comments that it's rude to bring something full stop. It just made me think... Blush
OP posts:
Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:03

@Smartiepants79

JUST ASK!!!!
I DID!!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:04

@Smartiepants79

JUST ASK!!!!
Everyone always says 'nothing'! Isn't that just polite manner when they mean something?!
OP posts:
gooseygoosey12345 · 24/04/2021 10:04

I think it's rude to turn up empty handed! You did nothing wrong, I think it was wrong of her to make you feel bad

ChelseaCat · 24/04/2021 10:05

I don’t know about rude but I find it really annoying when people bring food to be served during the BBQ/dinner when I’ve already catered. Call me ungrateful but It means I’ve wasted time and money preparing something and then I feel obliged to serve whatever the guest has brought.

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