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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
RaspberryCoulis · 23/04/2021 10:49

Rude, weird, odd and ungrateful.

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever.

VioletCharlotte · 23/04/2021 10:50

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

Forgot to mention, I've no idea if they do this to everyone - due to distances and other such logistics I don't think I've ever been at a third party's house with them
Cross posted!
BrownEyedGirl80 · 23/04/2021 10:51

You said you were ordering everything in so its not that they don't like your cooking.I wouldnt take in personally.

VettiyaIruken · 23/04/2021 10:53

Bit unusual yes but not a big deal imo. What matters is getting together, having fun. Who eats what from where is unimportant

KFleming · 23/04/2021 10:55

@RaspberryCoulis

Rude, weird, odd and ungrateful.

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever.

Really? If it was someone I liked enough to invite round, I’d rather they came with their own food than made up an excuse and didn’t ever come.
FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 10:55

I've seen your update. You've offered, they've declined so I think there's nothing to be offended by. It would be slightly different if you had ordered in for them and they hadn't let you know in advance. If they do it at every family event it definitely sounds like their problem not yours.

FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 11:00

@RaspberryCoulis

Rude, weird, odd and ungrateful.

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever.

I find it Rude, weird, and odd you'd rather not see someone than simply not provide food.
CheltenhamLady · 23/04/2021 11:01

Have you asked them the direct question as to why they want to do this?

I definitely would.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 23/04/2021 11:01

Why on Earth are you serving on paper plates?

I'd be bringing my own food and my own plate, TBH.

Cindersrellie · 23/04/2021 11:03

It's pretty rude, but I guess they have issues.

Hamandmustardcob · 23/04/2021 11:04

Obviously where's there's a genuine mh condition then "normal" rules of etiquette do not apply and I've already posted that it would be very bad form to make a guest feel uncomfortable for bringing their own food in those circumstances.

However, I was brought up to be grateful if someone invited you to their home and to eat what is put in front of you (as far as humanly possible). There's a definitely a balance to be struck between the needs of a guest to feel comfortable and the feelings of the host who has gone to the trouble inviting you and serving food in the first place. So it would be thoughtful to ask the host in advance if it would be ok if you bring your own tuck box or whatever and explain why. Or if the idea of eating at a friend's doesn't appeal, why not refuse the invitation and suggest you meet for a walk, or something that doesn't involve eating, on another occasion? Otherwise you do risk offending the host with the subliminal message "you are a crap cook", "your home is filthy", or "my comfort is more important than your feelings".

Hadtocomment · 23/04/2021 11:05

It's a bit strange and maybe more strange they can't say and noone can ask even in a friendly not minding way. But I suppose it could be loads of things - none of which are rude as such. And it could perhaps be something they feel a bit embarrassed about saying. Like some people can get indigestion or wind or whatever if they don't eat their usual things and might feel embarrassed about that or saying. Obviously it could be more phobic or disordered - but plenty of people are quite routinised about food. I think it would be odd if you were preparing a specially cooked meal if they didn't say anything before hand and turned up with tupperware -but sounds like you're providing things people can help themselves to so I don't think it's so odd then if they bring something. It could be they are nervous of the sharing aspect in terms of dips or hands or something. But it might just be simple as feeling more confident with their own supplies. It might even be something noone's thought of that's the opposite of rude. They might be people who come to the family dos but don't host them so much and are worried about costing you money or imposing. It's very hard to know.

Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 11:05

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Why on Earth are you serving on paper plates?

I'd be bringing my own food and my own plate, TBH.

Because - due to caring responsibilities - the party organisers, of which I am one, have better things to do than fuck about with mountains of washing up.

There's nothing unhygienic about paper plates - if your objections are environmental then it's a fair point, but I'm not sure why it would drive someone to bring their own plate?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 23/04/2021 11:09

My brother's former 'girl friend', sounds odd in their 50s, would come to our house when we did a family buffet, walk round the table, pick through the food with a fork then walk away. There was nothing odd about the food, cold meats, salads, whole salmon etc and she had no dietary problems, she ate like a horse according to by brother, it just seemed very rude, my brother was very embarrassed.

DragonDoor · 23/04/2021 11:10

They clearly have issues around food, so I don’t think it’s rude.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 23/04/2021 11:10

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever

This is the weird and rude thing. I have people to my home because I want to see them, not because I want to watch them eating my food. If they have some kind of issue or need that means they are happier eating what they brought, so what? I want their company, the food doesn't matter.

Anyone who would not invite them because of this is the weird one. Why were you inviting them in the first place?

AnotherCupOfTeaVicar · 23/04/2021 11:11

It's a bit odd but I certainly wouldn't ask they why, it's their business.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 23/04/2021 11:11

What mountain of washing up for six? And how are non paper plates unhygienic? Have you ever been to a restaurant?

My objections are environmental, but also I find them unpleasant and rude, each to their own though, but I would object more to paper plates than to someone bringing their own food to what seems a very casual gathering.

SandAndSea · 23/04/2021 11:15

I think it's rude but I also think that most of us are quirky in some way so, I wouldn't get worked up about it but I would probably ask them why.

ForgedInFire · 23/04/2021 11:17

Very rude. My DP is funny about shared food and eating at parties but he just eats before and after and politely declines food

roses2 · 23/04/2021 11:22

My mother does this - she won't eat food other people have cooked. Although she will happily eat take away or at a restaurant. It's rude but what can you do.

Powerof4 · 23/04/2021 11:25

I wouldn't feel offended, I'd just guess they had some food issues and be glad they came along anyway.

TheCrowening · 23/04/2021 11:26

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

What mountain of washing up for six? And how are non paper plates unhygienic? Have you ever been to a restaurant?

My objections are environmental, but also I find them unpleasant and rude, each to their own though, but I would object more to paper plates than to someone bringing their own food to what seems a very casual gathering.

Where do you get six people from?

I do get the environmental aspect, though if I use paper plates they go straight into the recycling. I suspect it’s more of a snobbish thing given you find them “rude”.

TheCrowening · 23/04/2021 11:27

Oh hang on, you’re also the COVID police.

OP also hasn’t said which country she’s in.

Bibidy · 23/04/2021 11:32

I'd suspect an eating disorder tbh. My friend used to do this to ensure she knew exactly how many calories she was eating.

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