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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 24/04/2021 20:34

I wouldn't care.

Flobbertybillop · 24/04/2021 20:39

Why is everyone saying it’s rude? It’s their body, they have the right to eat what they choose, and they don’t have to explain themselves.
It’s bloody rude to expect an explanation IMO.

Ragwort · 24/04/2021 20:42

Are you ever invited to eat at their house and, if so, what happens? It does sound a rather odd scenario in that you admit you don't see them that frequently but can't not invite them to join you for whatever this 'occasion' is? Could they be worried about abusing other people's hospitality and feel they "ought to" provide their own food? Some people aren't very 'sophisticated' about eating at other people's homes. My DGM always used to bring a loaf of bread as a contribution when she joined us for a meal although my parents were very comfortably off ... thinking about it my own DM always insists on bring something to share if she comes for a meal ... maybe this family don't eat out socially and aren't familiar with the 'norms' of sharing a meal.

Or maybe they are just rude Confused .... just try not to let it bother you, less people to cater for. Have you ever asked them point blank exactly why they bring their own food?

Amanduh · 24/04/2021 20:49

Why would you be offended? It’s store bought packets you’re opening, not like you’ve slaved for hours. And for whatever reason they cater for themselves. What an absolute non issue

Roodicus21 · 24/04/2021 20:52

It wouldn't bother me and I don't think it's rude. If they like what they like let them bring it.

Davygran · 24/04/2021 21:12

We always used to have to take stuff for my daughter as she was the world’s pickiest eater. Don’t be offended, 9 times out of 10 she would pick bread & butter for her tea at home. Even now as an adult she can struggle sometimes on work outings because she prefers plain food to many fancy things, it’s not that they are saying the don’t like or trust your food, it’s just how some people are ☺️

SavannahLands · 24/04/2021 21:17

Maybe they are fussy about only eating Organically grown food, and avoid everything that contains additives and E- numbers?

We had someone turn up at my Stepmother's wake who bought his own food with him, all packaged in recycled Margarine pots!I

I would rather people do that than request a meal made to the host that takes into account complex diary needs and preferences

aiwblam · 24/04/2021 21:23

I don’t understand why you are taking it personally op. They have some sort of difficulty, they address whatever the issue is without inconveniencing anyone else.

smsd33 · 24/04/2021 21:41

I think animals in the kitchen sounds gross, so don't really think it's such a strange view.

DeadlyMedally · 24/04/2021 21:46

I honestly can't think of any reason to feel anything other than it's a bemir weird.
You're inventing an offensive reason and reacting based on that.
Take the worst case scenario; that they really thinj your hygiene isn't up to standards.
You think your standards are high, every other guest thinks they're reasonable enough to eat your food. The logically conclusion is that their standards are significantly higher than average. In other words, it's a problem with them, rather than you.

Fluffinell · 24/04/2021 21:49

You mention chihuahuas on the floor not the worktop. It’s still animals in the kitchen. Things like fur potentially in the meal is off putting. Also you don’t know what they let their animals eat off of etc. If they are still doing this for paper plates with shop bought food in a different house and you’ve never gave them reason to think you were unhygienic then it won’t be personal it’s their issue. They’ve not said anything rude, they’ve not let you cater for them then turned up and wasted it all without you knowing. Yes it’s a bit odd but they probably don’t do it for kicks.

winniestone37 · 24/04/2021 22:06

Peculiar. Just ask or assume that it’s a good enough reason for them. If you think that this is some enormous slur towards you then I think it’s you with the problem.

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 24/04/2021 22:19

I mean, I always do this but I’m coeliac. Are you sure there’s no medical reason?

Skysblue · 24/04/2021 22:25

It is weird but I’d say it’s more OCD than it is rude

ittakes2 · 24/04/2021 23:53

I would think it quirky but I would be pleased! I'm pretty lazy so 4 less people to cater for would suit me!

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 25/04/2021 00:11

Have you actually asked them why they do it OP?

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 25/04/2021 00:58

Have you actually asked them why they do it OP?

Not in too blunt a manner, but you'd think that if they were going to be forthcoming with the reason they'd have supplied it when we asked if they had any dietary requirements, sent the list of what we'd ordered, and offered to add to it.

I mean, I always do this but I’m coeliac. Are you sure there’s no medical reason?

I'm aware of their other medical issues (and they have a broad overview of mine), so I'd be surprised if they had shared that medical information but not an allergy?

And, as I say, it's four adults, so all having the same secret medical issue seems less likely.

You mention chihuahuas on the floor not the worktop. It’s still animals in the kitchen. Things like fur potentially in the meal is off putting.

From chihuahuas that have been dead for years? They'd have to be haunting the place... the hosting household does sometimes have visiting dogs, but not full time resident ones.

Much of my branch of the family considers disliking dogs to be a major character flaw, enough to make you consider the person as a whole entirely suspect, so they did make themselves stick out like sore thumbs with those comments (the older members of that branch of the family grew up with dogs ffs!)

Are you ever invited to eat at their house and, if so, what happens? It does sound a rather odd scenario in that you admit you don't see them that frequently but can't not invite them to join you for whatever this 'occasion' is?

We never go to them because they live a long way away, and we only ever see them in the context of shared relatives. No one else in the family lives in their area, so they always come to us.

So, I've no idea what it's like at their house (though I can imagine that dust wouldn't dare to enter), and no idea if they do the same to other people, because I don't think I've ever been to a third party's house with them.

It sounds like you're upset because you're trying to justify that everything is more than adequate in terms of provisions, hygiene etc. I think it's really nice of you to show them the list of food being bought and offer to add items in but if they've said no and you like their company well enough that's kind of that. Unless they're actually sat there actively insulting you...

It's partly that - but also one of the ways we show we care about people is by sharing food - which is a really common theme across pretty much every culture worldwide, so I suspect it's part of what it is to be human.

Eating together, sharing meals, and (metaphorically) breaking bread is important to almost everyone at some level - so having that way of caring removed, when you've gone out of your way to accommodate, with no real idea why, feels very jarring.

As I think I said upthread, it wouldn't feel so weird if they brought some food they were happy to eat to share with everyone - but they seem very keen on gastronomic apartheid. They never, ever offer to share anything they've brought.

I have a relative who does this kind of thing. Yes, it could be because they don't perceive the hygiene around the food to be good enough for them but if it's coming from a place of phobia and control then it never will be unless they have the control. It's not ideal but there is a difference between turning your nose up at someone's hospitality and not being able to cope with something. My relative thinks even if someone doesn't have a dog/cat anymore then the fact they used to means they don't understand hygiene and even if they did they'd allow people into the kitchen who did and they would "transfer".

You're quite probably right that they hold such phobic / controlling beliefs - though as I hold qualifications in food hygiene and somehow manage not to poison the general public when I'm at work, you'd think it might engender a little trust!

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 25/04/2021 01:27

I find it odd, but not actually rude. Although, with all the mumsnetters I see saying that they do not eat food prepared in other people's kitchens, I'm surprised that it doesn't happen more often.

Perhaps they are One of Us?

Bleachmycloths · 25/04/2021 02:00

Laugh it off. They seem like a couple of self-indulgent/snowflakey/iI-Am-Special/ spoiled but ultimately harmless weirdos. Leave them to it.

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 02:08

💯😂

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 02:09

My ex MIL always does this at barbecues. Claims she can’t eat barbecued food but she does love a bit of attention. Everyone just laughs it off.

Twowilldo50 · 25/04/2021 08:31

My sil doesn’t do this exact behaviour but she has some very odd, frustrating behaviours that fascinate the family and generates quite a lot of discussion about her rather than to her because she will take offence at the slightest innocent question and not talk to us (latest incident Boxing Day 2018 very mild tease of the level everyone around the table was getting, got up and left and has never spoken to us since). Frankly it is easier not having her around because we can talk more easily without worrying about offending her. My preference would be to have her as part of the family, on the fringe as that’s her terms and preference, and walk on glass around her than have my children miss out on her (strange) company and ease my poor mil’s unhappiness about it all. I think some of her behaviour was choice to make herself more interesting, appear to be better than us in her own head and when repeating it all to her work colleagues (no actual friends that we ever knew of), some of it she couldn’t help. The choice is probably put up without comment/questions, or risk the relationship is what I’m trying to say!

Inks42 · 25/04/2021 08:51

Just ask! They do not offer the why as they've done this their entire lives and you've never asked, so why would they offer to clarify why now. Especially to vague hints.
The worst thing that can happen is that they don't tell you the answer and become slightly offended at the question. Best case scenario they answer.
As they've already offended you more than that over the years and you see them very seldom, isn't that a risk worth talking?

Barney60 · 25/04/2021 09:11

No i dont think its rude, i think the opposite, we all do this in our family, and our friends do same, helps spread cost. i wouldnt turn up with a cooked meal and always warn host beforehand, i will bring such and such shall i bring enough for all?

Middersweekly · 25/04/2021 09:55

Are your relatives expected to pay towards the cost of the buffet OP? It could be that they’re strapped for cash and don’t want to be asked to contribute to the catering fund. To get around this issue they bring their own food? You said you sent them a list of the food items on order.
I would assume calorie counting or some form of disordered eating otherwise.