AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

[Shewhomustbeobeyed1]

Maybe try asking and see what comes back? I know I would

[WalkingDownTheStreet]

How are these 4 adults related? Do they all live together? You haven't answered what it is that they bring to eat for themselves and whether they isolate themselves from everyone else during eating or whether some of them eat the food provided by the host.

I reall feel it might be a cleanliness thing. They don't want to offend you by eating nothing as they're afraid of a grey hair ending up in their food, so they just bring their own stuff. That way they get to spend time with all of you without getting sick while eating or the next day.

Will they drink any drinks offered or do they bring their own?

Are you all from the same culture? Would they have different food preferences?

You've done all that you can in terms of offering the order menu and asking whether they wanted to add in anything. That they have refused to eat that food suggests that there is some reason behind it relating to the house, rather than the food. I really suspect that it will be hygiene. I would not accept a glass of water out of some places.

[Quaagars]

If it's not allergy related (in which case that's fair enough) I would think it a bit weird.
I wouldn't say anything though as doesn't really affect me

[saraclara]

@DrCoconut

I know the OP said no dietary needs but I hope people aren't really judgemental about others bringing food.I've been diagnosed with coeliac disease over lockdown and it's bad enough that I can no longer eat at the vast majority of local pubs and restaurants without people judging me as fussy for a condition I certainly didn't choose. I can see myself having to take food to places rather than risk being glutened.

But presumably you'll explain about your condition if you need to take your own stuff? I don't think anyone in this thread has judged anyone like you.

The weird thing is a whole family bringing their own food every time they come, with no explanation. As I said earlier, the explanation doesn't have to be detailed. A single sentence is all it took for my friend. And I imagine that's all it will take for you, and no-one will judge at all.

[DrCoconut]

I know the OP said no dietary needs but I hope people aren't really judgemental about others bringing food.I've been diagnosed with coeliac disease over lockdown and it's bad enough that I can no longer eat at the vast majority of local pubs and restaurants without people judging me as fussy for a condition I certainly didn't choose. I can see myself having to take food to places rather than risk being glutened.

[IrmaFayLear]

If they always do this then yes, it is odd but at least you know they are going to bring their own food.

Dsis was grumbling (pre-lockdown - how long are we going to have to keep saying this?!) about a guest who wanted to use the oven when dsis was juggling timed dishes with different temperatures and the guest was rummaging for a baking tray and commandeering an allocated oven shelf. If you are going to self-cater, then it behoves you to bring something cold!

[chaosmaker]

Entirely up to them. If you don't like it then don't invite them. No idea why you're so irritated, OP and isn't a little bit of mystery in life a good thing?

[Roxy69]

I have a friend who insists on adding whatever to the food being prepared, even if asked politely not to. I had a right job asking her not to do food for me last time I visited as I'm on an exclusion diet. I had to resort to lies in the end. I like her but she wants the plaudits about how lovely her food is etc etc and just one 'yes it's lovely' just isn't enough. She mentions it over and over again. Am trying to ditch her and her issues by trying not to go anywhere with food. Hard but hopefully doable. Am getting wound up just writing this.

[summerinthebigcity]

OP why do you keep inviting these guests if their behaviour bothers you so much? To me it seems you might have some self-confidence issues in feeling judged by them (eg re hygiene).

To the PP who said the responses (sadly) confirm they'd be judged for their eating restrictions, the voting is a roughly 50/50 split. I wouldn't judge and as a guest would hope I'm not invited back, to save my time from spending it with people who moan about me on a public forum.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Sounds very sensible to me, saraclara.

Thinking further over the fact that the Tupperware party comprises four adults, presumably related, if not actually all living together - could it be that one of them has an issue with eating other people's food, on the lines of an extreme cleanliness phobia, and the other three go along with it for a quiet life? Maybe when out and about without the phobic person they eat out and make a point of going to cake sales, but all in secret. (Yes, I am now overthinking this. Yes, I am procrastinating.)

[FizzyApricot]

Even if you had a professional kitchen and everything was sterilised and you showed them all your food hygiene certificates, if there is an anxiety issue around food it is possible none of this will help. You need to let it go. You've decided it's rude, people have tried to help understand what tbe issues might be but still you insist it's rude. You are making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. So what's the point of asking.

[saraclara]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If they said they had an eating disorder then I'd understand - but without any reason it feels like a personal slight.

Nobody should have to tell other people they see occasionally that they have an eating disorder. If it's that huge an issue and you're taking it personally then don't invite them anymore, but it seems an awful shame not to do so if you enjoy their company / having wider family around otherwise. They're just eating something different. The reason is of no consequence to you really. Wasting headspace on this is silly IMO.

The thing is, if the person with the food quirk doesn't refer to it at all, then they become the object of speculation for years. I'd hate that.

I think that my friend who offered a single sentence to acknowledge her issues got it right. None of us who are friends with her have ever felt the need to discuss it again with her or between ourselves, or to give her behaviour a second thought. She didn't have to explain anything to us, she just said she had a food quirk and that we weren't to worry or be offended by it. So we aren't.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

If they said they had an eating disorder then I'd understand - but without any reason it feels like a personal slight.

Nobody should have to tell other people they see occasionally that they have an eating disorder. If it's that huge an issue and you're taking it personally then don't invite them anymore, but it seems an awful shame not to do so if you enjoy their company / having wider family around otherwise. They're just eating something different. The reason is of no consequence to you really. Wasting headspace on this is silly IMO.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Actually, after ploughing through all 1000 posts on the vegan wedding food yesterday, I am no longer surprised at anything anybody says about food.

[heaveho]

Op - reading your last response, it’s seems as though you are determined to see this situation through your own lens only, despite there being lots of of other experiences and views offered here.

I wonder if you posted here to learn something and understand what the issue may be or just to shame your relatives

[BeneathYourWisdom]

My parents do this, partly because they genuinely don’t want to cause me extra bother partly because they’re fussy about certain foods. And I’m not a fantastic cook so they probably worry I’ll burn something!

I’ve never felt offended.

If someone did it at a party/picnic/meal I was hosting I’d assume they had dietary restrictions they didn’t want to declare yet, eg on an exclusion diet for IBS or a strict diet plan they felt embarrassed to mention.

[IEat]

Up to them I wouldn’t care.

[toffeebutterpopcorn]

I worked with someone like that. It went back to her boarding school days when she would be packed off with classmates in holidays as her parents were abroad and there wasn’t any other family to take her. She said she found it really hard to swallow food in front of people she didn’t really know very well.

[Temp023]

One of the woman in our office has a phobia about eating food she hasn’t prepared herself, could this be the issue?

[FireflyRainbow]

Oh wow, should have proof read that. Sorry!

[FireflyRainbow]

I refuse to get cakes or sandwiches from our local sandwich places as I know the hygiene standards are lacking and have seen them without gloves or having a fag then coming straight back in to stave without washing thei hands. Generally they are quite rough. So the thought of eating from ther makes me feel sick. Maybe she thinks your won't prepare it well.

[toffeebutterpopcorn]

Tactless child? Oh ok I’ll do it...

[Bodynegative]

@StCharlotte

Can you get a tactless child to ask them?

What a great idea! My 5 year old granddaughter would be ideal 😂.

[StCharlotte]

Can you get a tactless child to ask them?

[Middersweekly]

Are your relatives expected to pay towards the cost of the buffet OP? It could be that they’re strapped for cash and don’t want to be asked to contribute to the catering fund. To get around this issue they bring their own food? You said you sent them a list of the food items on order.
I would assume calorie counting or some form of disordered eating otherwise.