AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

I wouldn't say it's rude, it's something they are comfortable doing for whatever reason the reason is nobodies business.

What sort of food are they bringing? Do they offer to others to share?

Germ anxiety or phobia? OCD?

Is it only your house OP? Or do they do this at other homes?

IBS?

It is a bit weird, but maybe they are on a strict diet? Or have an allergy or sensitivity they have not discussed with you?

I have a family member who sometines does this, including Christmas dinner which was a bloody awkward moment and did upset the host. I think it's a control thing and we personally don't invite them to eat at ours but let them choose a restaurant that they are comfortable with.

Weirdly they are extremely fussy about other etiquette so I don't know how they reconcile being rude like this in their head l.

It is slightly weird, but not putting you out at all.

She could have an eating disorder? Or just be on a strict calorie counting diet etc, either way not really any of your business if she doesn't mention it.

I really struggle to eat out and it actively bothers me if I don't know calories or if I can see everything has been cooked in masses of oil and butter etc with lots of dressing.

I don't quite take food in a tub to someone else's house etc, I just eat very little to not be too rude to the host, but can see why they might if they have a severe eating disorder or are taking their diet seriously.

There could be any number of reasons. Maybe they want to keep their dietary needs or preferences private. Maybe they are embarrassed for anyone to know that one of them is too picky or fussy of an eater to depend on someone else's menu. Maybe one or both has a phobia. Maybe they don't trust the hygiene of even professionally prepared food (again, phobia or excessive caution). Maybe they're germaphobes who worry that people will cough or sneeze on the food, or people will touch the food as they serve themselves.

Unless they've made it clear that they don't trust your hygiene, I wouldn't say it's necessarily rude for someone to want to bring their own food. There are too many possible reasons that have nothing whatever to do with you, as the host, and as you say, they know you won't be preparing the food, which makes it seems even less of a personal insult.

I'd try not to think about it, unless it becomes obvious that their reasons have something to do with you or the other guests.

I am afraid to say but this might be something I would do. Saying that, I would usually just eat before I went and then politely decline.

Despite wishing it were not so, I have a quite narrow range of foods I am able to eat. Nothing on your list would suit my tolerances enough to make a complete meal and nibbling only a tiny amount would set my guts off. Have to eat just enough and not too much or blammo.

Some people digestive system is tricky and over the years you learn how to appease the unruly bugger.

If I ate anything to which I am unaccustomed, it would be playing Russian roulette with my digestive system. Click, everything's fine. Click, your bog will get decimated and, depending on the distance of the other guests, I could certainly ruin the party.

I also have problems chewing so most of what your offering would provide me with a choking hazard and a guest dying of soffocation in the middle of your party might dampen the mood a tad.

I don't advertise any of this, I keep it to myself as it makes me feel embarrassed and like an utter freak.

You don't know what other people's problems are so stop being so judgemental.

I want to know what food they bring! It does sound rude - do they just sit there eating out of a tupperware box?

If it bothers you that much the stop inviting them. Or, just accept this is something they want to do, be a good host and let them get on with it. If you want to assume it’s a personal slight, then maybe you need to work on your self esteem.

Maybe it will help ease any feelings of awkwardness and "rudeness" if you assume that whatever their reasons, these situations must be much worse for them as guests than it is for you as host. I'd assume that they're this way with other people, too, and clearly some people will think they're being rude and judge them for it, even if they have completely inoffensive reasons that they're uncomfortable sharing.

As someone who used to be a happy, reasonably adventurous eater but has developed some unfortunate digestive issues, it can be frustrating that so much "socialising" seems to revolve around food and eating. I don't want to be rude or put anyone out. I don't want to worry that I'll feel ill, but it's something very unpredictable I have to consider and prepare for, and it makes me dread so many events and gatherings that I once would have enjoyed.

Again, try not to take it personally until you know that it has something to do with you or your perceived hygiene.

I know for a fact Prince Charles does or at least did do this.

I think most hosts would be understanding of anyone who had a health or mh issue relating to food. In that instance you could say when accepting the invitation "please don't be offended if I bring my own grub, owing to health reasons I'm on rather a strict diet". There's no need to go in to any more detail than that.

It's an action that's one so far outside of standard social protocol that it's considered rude, weird etc.
Everyone knows it is too. So in order for someone to do it there a very strong and overwhelming reason for doing it. The need to avoid eating other food is stronger than the need not to be seen breaking protocol.

Certainly within my friends/family, this would be considered rude.

I would only consider it rude if they only did it at my mine and no one elses.

It could be worse, so many people on the CF threads report family members filling up tupperware of food from a party to take home with them!

My gran use to do this and then take the hosts food in the tupperware and take it home to it. I have no idea why

I think it’s odd enough that it comes under the heading of ‘weird OCD or food related issues’ rather than rude.
Just let them get on with it.

What food do they bring? What you've mentioned there that you serve I wouldn't eat either and I'd feel awful giving a list of what I like.

When I visit one of my sil I either eat before hand or bring side plates. But that's because she only serves burgers and potatoes and mince. Big lumpy dry mash potatoes 🤢 she once asked what I like, I had mentioned that I love garlic potatoes as in sliced, she made a huge bowl of mash with big chunky garlic lumps through it.

I normally bring cake too and other bits and pieces and put them with the other food.

It's an action that's one so far outside of standard social protocol that it's considered rude, weird etc

To you, maybe. You seem to be very much in the minority here though, most of the rest of us are perfectly understanding.

What kind of food do they bring for themselves?

I mean I don't understand why you don't just ask them, but maybe looking at what they bring would give a clue.

I personally think it's weirder to be offended by this. I would not care at all.

I wish my guests would do this, especially the ones with complex and ever-changing dietary no-go-zones.

@Shelby2010

I think it’s odd enough that it comes under the heading of ‘weird OCD or food related issues’ rather than rude. Just let them get on with it.

Yes!

It can be hard to talk about OCD and other forms of anxiety as these are so often heavily stigmatised.

Hmm. Tough one.

On the one hand, I think it is a bit rude to do it every time without explanation. It's a weird enough thing that it would be polite to mention it to the host beforehand. "Oh, I'm on a very strict diet so I'll bring something for myself, thanks" would be enough. I have awkward food intolerances and if I think there might be a problem with a buffet-type party (rather than a sit down dinner, where I would contact the hosts and explain) then I eat beforehand and find myself some fruit or cake to pick at while I'm there. It's better in some ways than expecting you to cater to complex requirements with no notice, as does happen!

But on the other hand, I wouldn't be raging over it. It's so "out there" that it's just plain weird! I think I would just allow my mind to boggle, shrug and move on! Assuming,of course,they ate it quietly and discreetly and weren't making narky comments about the food I was serving or my household hygiene.

I think it's odd to tell guests they'll be eating off paper plates. How would that be worked into the conversation?

Also odd to get the knickers in a twist about this when you're so busy.

There could easily be issues they don't wish to disclose to you.