AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

Appallingly rude. If there is some medical or similar reason (for both of them???) they should at least have the courtesy to talk to you about it

I would probably have a bit of a gossip with my DP about how weird it was and then forget about it. If everyone was turning up at my house with plastic tubs of food, THEN I'd be worried.

As a matter of interest, what do they bring?

I would assume they have an eating disorder.

I used to be like this and would worry about how much oil people had cooked with or using full fat ingredients etc. I also have quite a severe dairy allergy and often people will cook things I can’t eat without realising. It’s baffling how many older family members would serve up a lasagne or carbonara or a chilli with cream and not realise I was allergic as it wasn’t a glass of milk

So as a child I’d often take a ready meal that I knew I could eat when visiting other people’s houses to save them the embarrassment of having to quickly rustle me up something alternative

@Flatstanleysenvelope

Bringing their own food might be the only way this person can eat out... would you let your pride and offence come before someone else’s problems?

It really wouldn’t bother me. Less washing up!

I pretty much agree with this. I have mild disordered eating and I appreciate when its accommodated. It would certainly be much easier to be "normal". Theyre not doing it for kicks.

Could they be calorie counting? They know how many calories/points are in what they made. A bit unusual but maybe they’re a bit embarrassed to say they want low fat meals as not a dietary requirement as such.

This was my first thought.

Regardless, as other people have said, it really wouldn't bother me unless it was only happening at my house.

It is rude, especially as they haven’t even told you why.

Bloody odd but there's probably a reason. I would probably have a look at what they were bringing... if its lower calorie/veggie/dairy free/gluten free and what you are offering isn't, it could hint to you that you are maybe offering a bit of a narrow range of food? My mil never used to eat much at meals at ours and was always saying she would bring things, I quickly realised it's because she's very health conscious and my cooking is less so, and now I make sure there things she's comfortable eating.

It's odd and very rude. It would definitely bother me without a good reason such as a very niche dietary requirement that was difficult to cater for, or terrible allergies so they didn't trust anyone else's food prep. Part of the enjoyment of hosting is making sure your guests have nice food and I'd feel put out if they took that away from me.

I'd just ask them why they do it, in a conversational way that couldn't offend them. I'm sure it's something to do with them rather than you.

It's possible they see their only alternative as not coming at all.

Well it is strange and rude but it's not hurting anyone is it?
They've obviously got some issue.

Either ask them about it or just accept they've been doing it for years and it's the way they are.
You could always not invite them if it bothers you that much.

I just don't get what they're playing at.

Then ask them.

I would assume they had some sort of disordered eating. Eating in front of others and food prepared by other people can be a major trigger. I think your friend is trying their best to overcome their issues and still participate and socialise with you, cut them some slack.

Odd, but not rude. They are going to a lot of trouble and expense to themselves, while not really causing any work or expense to you.

I wouldn't even question it, it's just their quirk.

I'm on the fence.

On one hand, they may have anxieties or other issues around food someone else has prepared, or similar, and therefore it's not a reflection on you. They might have allergies or a very specific diet that they don't want to talk about. Any of this I'd be fine with (although if it was a friend I'd kinda expect them to give me a bit of an understanding as to what was going on).

Or they might just be a bit rude, which I'd be less fine with. If it's that, it is rude to reject the meal someone has prepared for you without a good reason, with the implication that the food you've brought is "better" in some way.

Still, it's better than someone announcing at the last minute that they're a nut-free vegan ) and then huffing about having to bring their own food because you can't cater for them at short-notice (which happened to a friend!).

It's a bit odd, but big deal - let them get on with it. More for everyone else

It's rather odd; but it wouldn't bother me, so long as I know in advance, so that I don't go to unnecessary trouble preparing a meal for them that they won't eat. They may be fussy, germ-phobic (even pre-Covid), or just have this quirk.

Of course its weird but it's obviously the only way that they feel comfortable eating out of home.

So you need to decide whether you want them there with their tupperware, or not.

And at least know that you don't need to make any effort with the catering

I would find it weird if they just turned up with it without prior warning but I wouldn't be offended. If it were me I'd of said something the first time it happened, just like a casual, 'ohh have you got allergies?' Or something to see if they'd elaborate etc.

I really wouldn't care though, as long as they were comfortable, I would rather that than them stressed about food in my house.

ExH had a relative like this. She had an eating disorder which included some elements of OCD/Ortharexia
She even brought her own food to our wedding, in a thermos, which she ate with her own spoon that she also brought.

If the alternative was her not coming, or being really upset/anxious at having to eat unknown food, I would much much prefer she brought something with her and was comfortable

I would find this rude, especially if no reason was being given.

Aside from special dietary requirements of course, or bringing a shared dish I'd find it very odd and quite insulting to be honest.

And I would definitely ask what the reasoning is behind it. If its a simple, we just prefer our own food, I wouldn't be inviting them back for food again as thats just plain ignorant.

I think live and let live... there must be some reason, I wouldn't be offended if someone was say coeliac, and there seem to be loads of people going gluten free or low carb or paleo or whatever. I don't think they owe you an explanation.

However they should have explicitly let you know beforehand. Very rude to let you go to all the trouble of catering for them and then not even try it. Next time ask if they will need food. I might also probe a bit into whether there's anything particular you can do to make them more comfortable eating with you. The paper plates might be as simple as they are worried about putting you out.

I think it says more about people who think it's rude because they assume everyone operates the same way the they do and also that everything is about them! . Everyone has their own issues, if people do something different to you just let them at it and they'll tell you about it if they feel able

I'd assume calories or some sort of disordered eating. Both are their problem, not yours.

Yes it's a bit odd and rude, but it would be even ruder for you as the host to question it.