Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
IrmaFayLear · 23/04/2021 11:33

@Hamandmustardcob -agree with your points.

It depends how people act: bringing your own simple food with a swift apology and making no fuss is much better than setting out, I think he OP said, a platter of meats, cheeses and olives. That seems quite rude.

As I said before, nothing is ruder, however, than making demands upon a host and disparaging what’s been prepared. Some people wear “food preferences” like some special badge of superiority when they are just downright ill-mannered. If they have an allergy etc they can inform the host or indeed bring their own food but without a big fanfare .

therocinante · 23/04/2021 11:36

I have a friend who does this. She has severe anxiety around food/an eating disorder, it makes her comfortable, there's no issue.

Usually people's quirks around food have a reason. If they're willing to do something as 'unusual' and potentially embarrassing as bringing their own food to every event, then whatever the reason is is not going to be changed by you pushing it. And you risk upsetting them.

ShurImGrand123 · 23/04/2021 11:38

Being Rude implies a deliberate attempt to cause upset, in my book. It doesn't sound like they expect their behaviour to impact their hosts negatively?

It wouldn't bother me at all and presumably they have some anxiety issues around eating other people's food, so no, I don't think it's actually rude.

I'm guessing if they said they had a specific phobia around good, and that's why they always bring their own food, you'd be perfectly ok with that?

KFleming · 23/04/2021 11:39

It depends how people act: bringing your own simple food with a swift apology and making no fuss is much better than setting out, I think he OP said, a platter of meats, cheeses and olives. That seems quite rude.

Oh I read that as that was what OP was providing, and she’d offered to include things the guests would like.

Chocaholic9 · 23/04/2021 11:39

It isn't necessarily rude. I have food allergies and won't be eating food that I haven't prepared myself. I don't care who I offend - my health is my primary concern. If it bothers someone they are not my friend.

TheStoic · 23/04/2021 11:40

Clearly there is a reason for them to do this.

Why not find out what that is before declaring them Rude or Not Rude?

GoatsAreFunny · 23/04/2021 11:42

You seem determined to make this about you, but it's not. They are not "playing at" anything, they obviously have some problems around food, either to do with their physical or mental health, and they don't feel comfortable talking to you about it.

You've offered to cater for them, they aren't comfortable with that, but it's a bit extreme to feel "rejected". Just be kind, surely it is easier being you than being someone with food related issues that make people gossip about them?

Dozer · 23/04/2021 11:42

It’s unusual behaviour, would assume that the person has reasons, eg eating issues, that they don’t wish to discuss.

mustlovegin · 23/04/2021 11:44

A bit rude, but they may have a reason for it.

Could they have caught a nasty bug at someone else's home before? Don't take it personally OP

Dozer · 23/04/2021 11:44

Or OCD or whatever. You know in advance so can simply not cater for them.

Wegobshite · 23/04/2021 11:44

YABU I’m disappointed I thought it was going to be about someone arriving at a party with the OW because of the title 😂
How many of us clicked on the thread because they thought it was going to be a bun fight

Lweji · 23/04/2021 11:46

What kind of food do they take?

Maybe they have issues around food that has been touched or breathed on by other people? Some people may not ben keen on shared foods.
Do they ever eat at restaurants?

ElaborateSalad · 23/04/2021 11:47

What harm is it doing?

Ithinkyoucan · 23/04/2021 11:51

Agree with others. They clearly have their own reasons they don't want to share. Those reasons may be embarrassing for them. I never go on holidays/weekends with people because of a chronic health condition I don't want to share. Its really awful if someone doesn't accept this but keeps saying ' WHY. TELL ME WHY.' Clearly there is a reason why that I don't want to tell you so read the room and leave me alone! Do your mates the same courtesy.

listsandbudgets · 23/04/2021 11:55

Its odd but perhaps they are really fussy and just prefer to know they'll have something they like.

I know a woman who when she goes to parties brings a bottle of wine, hides it in a cupboard, drinks it herself and then takes anything left home with her She drinks whats on offer too. She's not on a budget and even if she were it would be odd

Frownette · 23/04/2021 12:01

Do you enjoy their company? If so, just live and let live :)

2bazookas · 23/04/2021 12:08

Lets just say, in my house " not offering a reason" would not be an option.

thelegohooverer · 23/04/2021 12:09

I’ve lived with people with various special needs for years and it wouldn’t really bother me tbh.

As a host I feel that my role is to make my guests comfortable so if they’d rather bring their own food, so be it.

As a guest, I’d feel a duty to my host, so I’d eat and compliment their food. So I understand why you might feel that they are in breach of their social obligations. But it’s only my own behaviour as a guest that I can ensure. It’s not my place as a host to censure a guest.

Missteebeee · 23/04/2021 12:09

I can’t see the issue

Perhaps they’re really fussy about how their food is prepped or they have dietary issues they don’t want to discuss

Either way, if you enjoy their company, let them eat their own food

blissfulllife · 23/04/2021 12:16

Each to their own. They'll have their reasons. My daughter turns up everywhere with her own food but we are very open about the reasons. No ones ever been fussed about it at all

HedgePutty · 23/04/2021 12:29

Be nice.
They obviously have an issue or fear or something. They will be well aware that they are perceived abnormally, and the embarrassment for them is still out weighed by the need to do this.
Let them be.

Grimbelina · 23/04/2021 12:31

I have complex (and frankly terrifying) health issues that nobody wants to hear about. There is strong and growing evidence that a very specific diet can help. Following this diet makes me feel more hopeful about my future health, otherwise treatment is limited. It is extremely stressful for me to even have to ask someone to follow it when I go to their house, and then worry if they have actually taken my request seriously.

Do you enjoy their company? If so, just live and let live

This and only this.

user1497207191 · 23/04/2021 12:33

@IrmaFayLear

I would far rather someone did this than present me with an extensive and impossible list of their requirements. They are dealing with their issue rather than putting it on you.
Fully agree with that.

They'll have their reasons. Just leave them to it.

year5teacher · 23/04/2021 12:40

@RaspberryCoulis

Rude, weird, odd and ungrateful.

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever.

This is a really shitty viewpoint. It’s not harming anyone for them to do that - you don’t know why people might need to, and literally the only “harm” it’s doing is offending you.
Wuurg · 23/04/2021 12:44

In laws do this. MIL is anorexic. No one discusses it, ever. Its a control thing I think.