AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

My sister's boyfriend turns up to dinner parties with his own pot of chilli or other food. He sits there and eats it. I think it's bizarre behaviour and insulting to the hosts.

I'd think they were just weird unless they eat everyone's food but yours. It would possibly make me think twice about inviting them to events with food as it could make other guests feel a bit awkward.

If you need to know get the rudest other guest to ask them why and not let it go until they explain

Definitely weird but I wouldn't mind as long as they didn't make a big thing about it and just quietly ate their food. I can't bear people who make a big deal about their eating preferences. Just eat the vegetarian/nut free/dairy free meal you brought with you or ordered, I don't need to know all about why on a night out thanks.

It could just be that they don't like other people preparing their food.
I have anxiety and sometimes it manifests over food prep (sometimes even when I've made it myself) and prevents me from eating what is probably a perfectly lovely and safe meal.
Just accept it and move on.

I would say as a host the main thing is to make sure everyone feels comfortable and has a nice time. If the only way this person can do that is by bringing their own food, then just let them.
Poking about it to see what it is or inquiring too much about it is bound to make them feel uncomfortable.

They've been doing it for years so it shouldn't annoy you at this stage. You know to expect it. If I was inviting them I'd ask if they would prefer to bring their own or eat what you are planning to serve. I wouldn't be bothered either way. Some people are fussy eaters, don't like veg, don't like pasta, whatever, and this way they get to eat what they actually like without having to politely eat what their guest provides but they might not like. I hate cooking so I'd be thrilled if people brought their own food

I would assume they have some anxiety around food. I want my guests to be comfortable so i'd happily accept their little quirk and accommodate it without making a fuss or bringing attention to it infront of other guests.

I think lots of people are being incredibly unfair and uncaring on this thread.

Too many people are quick to assume that people who take their own food might be 'weird' or 'judgy' or 'rude', but does it not occur to you that other things might be going on?

I have an anxiety disorder, which includes emetophobia. In line with this, I will NOT eat things that other people cook. This isn't because I think they're crap cooks or they cook in a dirty kitchen, but more that I haven't physically seen how the food has been prepared, therefore I cannot be sure that it's 'safe'.

I have never thought of bringing my own food to things. Instead, I opt to just make my excuses and not go. My family all hate me and think I'm rude for this, without knowing the daily battle that goes on in my head.

Or, they may have complex allergies that you're not aware of.

They could also have an eating disorder, and have to control carefully what they eat. Eating in front of you at all will be very difficult, but eating food that they've prepared will at least make things a little bit easier.

There are so many reasons.

You can usually tell if someone is doing it and turning their nose up at you, in their manner.

If these people are usually good friends/family and you get on well, I would quietly assume that there is something going on that you don't know about, and simply welcome them into your home with open arms and a caring heart. They probably need it the most out of anyone there.

Could be something like ocd or other mh condition

I don't find it rude at all. Some people are fussy waters or might like to prepare their own food for various reasons. I would rather somebody brought their own food and enjoyed it rather than feel uncomfortable having to eat something they don't like. My mil is coeliac and tbh I wish she would bring her own food to events. We have spent a fortune on her food on the past for it to be left sitting there untouched because she didn't want it. The same mil though would have caused blue murder though if you didn't get her anything.

In my sister's boyfriend's case, he brings a massive pot of food such as chilli and offers it to the other guests instead of the food prepared. I think it's really rude behaviour and would rather he didn't come than upset the hosts like that.

When my DS had CMPA I had to go totally dairy/soy free and would take my own food everywhere, regardless of whether a host offered to cater for the allergy or not (after being accidentally contaminated twice when people weren’t careful enough) but I’d be firm/polite and tell them well in advance that I was bringing my own food because I wouldn’t take the risk to baby DS.

Without a food allergy or explicit reason I would find it really really weird though! Now I’m not BF DS anymore I wouldn’t dream of doing it

It wouldn't be weird to me but I've severe allergies and I would never trust what anyone else cooks for me. I even bring my own cutlery. So I would just presume they have their reasons , it's not hurting anyone and they get to join in. I wouldn't ask either as I'd be worried I'd make them feel self conscious, as people asking me and making a fuss makes me so uncomfortable.

I think the weirdest thing about it is the fact they've been doing it for years, yet they've never explained why and nobody has asked them.

I have a friend who needs gluten free food and she often takes some slices of bread with her, just in case. But she always explains to people when the little sandwich box gets taken out of her handbag.

I think its rude, but not that surprised about the results as most of MN seems to think that any food not prepared in their own kitchen will be grim/vile/covered in dog hair and likely to put them in hospital.
I invited my IL for a birthday lunch for DD. I prepared food, they were 2 hours late, and then brought their own lunch. (Prepacked sandwiches) although they brought food every time they came to our house.
On the rare occasion I was permitted to serve them food that I had cooked they ate it and enjoyed it, and in a surprised voice say ,"oh this is really nice"

Have you asked them why @LadyWhistledownsQuill?

It’s odd behaviour but I think I’d shrug it off as a weird quirk. Perhaps they’re fussy eaters and will only eat when they’re absolutely certain of every single ingredient and know it’s definitely all hygienically prepared.

I have in the past had a huge amount of anxiety over food and specifically eating away from home, under pressure etc. If I’d brought foods that were safe and unlikely to make me feel sick then it would have made it easier. I never have, and have spent many hours in toilets having panic attacks as a result.
Luckily I’ve (mostly) grown out of it.

I know two people who do this. Both long term calorie counters with binge eating tendencies so it’s “safe” for them.

I’d never say anything but I do think the calorie counting probably leads to the binge eating but it’s such an emotive topic.

They're cousins, of the sort that are nice enough though we don't see much of them due to distance and are consequently cordial but not especially close.

I wouldn't dream of telling them they couldn't come, or couldn't bring their own food, but as I suspect they're excessively fussy about hygiene then it's hard not to feel it's a bit personal.

The food is essentially cold picnic food - hummus, salads, cheeseboard, charcuterie, bread, olives and so on. All store bought, so it's not even like we're preparing it. I intend to do no more preparation than taking the lid off a tub of hummus. Not a BBQ either, so no issues of undercooked chicken that's been sitting in the sun for hours.

We offered to add anything they liked onto the party food order, so if they were vegan / nut free / on a diet / only ate sausage rolls we could easily have accommodated that. But no - all rejected, in favour of their own Tupperware.

I would stop inviting them.

Do they do this when they visit other people or just you?

If they do it for everyone YABU to be offended, they're obviously just a bit out there.

If they only do it when coming to your house YANBU.

@username12345T

In my sister's boyfriend's case, he brings a massive pot of food such as chilli and offers it to the other guests instead of the food prepared. I think it's really rude behaviour and would rather he didn't come than upset the hosts like that.

I think offering it to everyone else is a step too far unless it's a bring and share do.

Forgot to mention, I've no idea if they do this to everyone - due to distances and other such logistics I don't think I've ever been at a third party's house with them

I think the big question is, do they do this whoever they're visiting, or just when it's you? If they always take their own food when they visit family and friends, I would just put it down to their own anxieties/ food issues and not worry about it. If it's just at your house, then that does seem rather rude and I would be questioning why this is.