AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

I think it's rude too OP.
I've got relatives who sometimes do this kind of thing when invited to our house, except they expect me to then serve their food to everyone in place of what I've cooked, which is even worse.
But they take huge offence if I take food for my multi allergic child to their house.
We don't socialise with them often...

I immediately thought 'cats on counters, dogs snaffling things off tables' in the past and yes, reading through your posts, it would appear that you feel that is their concern. Hygiene.

It's OCD-related. I worked with someone like this once, she had her own everything, including water for the kettle.
It's their issue not yours.

@WouldBeGood

Why accept such an invitation then?

Only on mumsnet would this be seen as in any way normal. It’s incredibly rude.

So that they can spend time with their friends or family?

So much socialisation revolves around food that it must be incredibly hard to manage if you have an eating disorder or similar.

@WalkingDownTheStreet

I immediately thought 'cats on counters, dogs snaffling things off tables' in the past and yes, reading through your posts, it would appear that you feel that is their concern. Hygiene.

There's never been any cats living there, the dogs that used to live at the host's household are long dead (and were never allowed on tables, and they were chihuahuas so not big enough to jump onto counters), and occasional visiting dogs aren't snaffling anything from tables either. They genuinely seemed to think that the chihuahuas being on the kitchen floor presented a serious hygiene hazard. Unless there are chihuahua ghosts floating onto kitchen surfaces...

I did once watch a friend of mine's greyhound launch himself onto a counter and snaffle a cheesecake - grim - but that's a totally unconnected event in a different household and not the case here!

And even if you were concerned about that, you'd think a garden party of entirely bought-in foods would allay rational concerns about hygiene

@Fizbosshoes

In fact the type of food/meal the OP has mentioned (buffet style) would be very easy to avoid eating more than you felt comfortable with.

Many people with eating disorders like to weigh and measure their food which would be impossible at an event like this.

They also like to know the exact percentage of fat, salt, sugar etc.

I very often bring my own GF bread as it's so expensive for people to buy just for myself. I think we will need to accept that Covid has changed many things for many people. Whether we deem it rude or not, I think people will struggle to return to normal- whatever that is.

@sunflowersandbuttercups You are absolutely correct and clearly understand a lot about eating disorders.

The OP has made it clear that she not only doesn't understand, but doesn't care, and thinks it's something to be jeered at, mocked, ridiculed and insulted.

Thank you sunflowers for your caring attitude. It's reassuring to know that some people prioritise seeing their friends and family rather than judging them for their personal preferences.

Thankfully in reality I know my good friends never ever judge me and don't ever mind if I eat, don't eat, bring my own food, etc. They just want us to spend time together, which is what I want too. I have even sat through a good friend's birthday dinner at a pizza place that literally did nothing else except pizzas. I just had gin and tonics and she was totally understanding and fine about it. Because good friends, and decent people, are.

What sort of food do they bring to the party? Do they allow children (if any) to eat other foods offered or do they settle themselves elsewhere with their own tablecloth and cutlery?

I wouldn't be bothered by this really. It doesn't impact anyone else and makes them comfortable 🤷🏼‍♀️

Many people with eating disorders like to weigh and measure their food which would be impossible at an event like this

They also like to know the exact percentage of fat, salt, sugar etc.

I understand that .i used to weigh or measure nearly everything at home....but I also didnt want to offend other people, or want people to know I was controlling my food (although it would have been perfectly obvious from my appearance!) I had a vast knowledge of calories in all sorts of food (many of which I didnt permit myself to eat) so in this scenario would have guestimated how much I was eating and probably been extra strict later that day, or asked if they had the packet to check any unknown calories

In recent years i voluntarily helped in a tuck shop/cafe attached to a sports club my son attended. We served pizzas each week, and one boy (probably around 12) had an allergy. We got the same pizzas every week as we (as volunteers) always checked the label to confirm it was ok for the boy to eat. Each week he would ask for pizza and then ask to look at the label. No one minded him checking for his own reassurance.

I can’t recall if OP has mentioned, but how many of this family are eating their own food only? If “they” is actually one person, then it’s understandable, or a child/teen, very understandable, but if it’s a Howard and Hilda couple (see Ever Decreasing Circles) then it seems as if it’s one of those couples who become so insular that their odd habits become normalised.

@IrmaFayLear

I can’t recall if OP has mentioned, but how many of this family are eating their own food only? If “they” is actually one person, then it’s understandable, or a child/teen, very understandable, but if it’s a Howard and Hilda couple (see Ever Decreasing Circles) then it seems as if it’s one of those couples who become so insular that their odd habits become normalised.

There's 4 of them - FOUR!! All adults I might add. None with any known allergies (why would anyone keep that secret?), no autism, and if it's an eating disorder I cannot understand how it affects all four of them in the same way, so I really don't think it's an ED either.

It's been a couple of years since I last saw them thanks to COVID so can't actually remember what sort of food they brought last time, but it can't have been anything remarkable.

It wouldn't even look weird if they offered to bring a few things for the buffet and just ate those - which would cover all of the control things mentioned above - I probably wouldn't notice at all until they turned down birthday cake or something similar.

But no, they insist on gastronomic apartheid.

It will be a hygiene thing. I once visited (once) the mother of a guy I was dating. There was a cat there so I had to pop to the shops to buy an antihistamine and also bought bottled water and just declined any offers of food. There was no way I was eating or drinking anything there. The cat was allowed everywhere, so I couldn't trust that it hadn't been all over the dishes/cutlery. Uck. I had to strip off when I got home to avoid cat hairs getting on everything in my own home.

How clean would you consider your home OP? On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is when the council have to go in with hazmat gear and 10 is a showhouse?

I feel uncomfortable eating at other peoples houses especially if I don’t know them well or don’t see them often. It’s my issue with food and nothing to do with them. I usually arrange to visit outside mealtimes or decline the offer of food. There’s also certain food I won’t eat for perfectly acceptable reasons which I know won’t be accommodated for at the next family gathering, so I will be turning up with my own. It’s much ruder to host and not accommodate for people’s dietary requirements.

I might seem biased but I really don’t understand why you’d be so offended. If it makes my friends comfortable, I’d be all for it. I’d rather have them there not worrying about food but to be honest you don’t sound like you like them much anyway. Not really sure why you’re inviting them.

I have a dear friend who I used to stay with from time to time years ago, as students and young adults in our first jobs. Her dishes when washed, still had bits of things stuck to them. Before getting a glass of water or a glass to pour alcohol into (more usually!), I would have to scrub everything. I just explained that I was anal about cleanliness and she didn't give a fuck to be honest. She would joke that she was a slattern, I would joke that I didn't realise that I had OCD until I came around hers (we were close so could say such shite to each other).

@WalkingDownTheStreet

How clean would you consider your home OP? On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is when the council have to go in with hazmat gear and 10 is a showhouse?

It's not my home - it's being held at the house of a shared relative, though I'm doing the catering. The hosting household isn't a show home, but a cleaner comes in several times a week for reasons of disability so it's not exactly a hazmat job either. If 5 is average, looking at the kitchen alone, I'd rate it a 6 or 7?

I work in catering professionally (though I'm not cooking for this event) so I absolutely know about food hygiene, allergens and so on, and implement it in my own home and with this party food.

Apart from being sealed and in the (clean, correct temperature) fridge overnight, the food won't be going in the kitchen at all - it'll be straight out onto a trestle table in the garden. So even if the kitchen was a bit grubby it would be tricky to get food poisoning.

But they have strange beliefs (eg about dogs - as mentioned above) and live in a showhome.

TBH I think it's rude to insinuate that you think someone's home is dirty when it's not.

I don't insinuate usually, I'll just say, I'm going to clean these now as I like things 'Monika clean'. It's just me. I'm the same in my own home where I wash the dishes. I still rinse a glass out three times before filling it with water, the glass I've scalded, scrubbed and rinsed. OCD. If I go to a barbecue I will supervise the cooking of whatever I'm going to eat. If I see one questionable practice in preparation of food, that's it. I once had someone try to cook a fry up for me and they handled raw bacon and sausages and eggs and THE PLATE. They touched every surface in my kitchen without washing their hands. I actually dumped him over this as I had never met anyone as thick in my life and this was just the ultimate demonstration of the width of his thickness.

I get edgy and nervy when I see chefs on TV handling raw meat, fish, poultry, eggs and wiping their hands on their apron and then arranging the finished cooked product on a plate! Has nobody ever heard of salmonella? The squirts? Vomitus maximus?

Crikey, if someone said to me they like things “Monica clean” when I’d invited them round... How rude .

@IrmaFayLear

Crikey, if someone said to me they like things “Monica clean” when I’d invited them round... How rude .

They know me. I would only go around to good friends and we would know very well how each other think. For e.g. my slattern friend is from an extremely wealthy family - think landed gentry. She grew up in a massive big tumbling down mansion which was not only colder than a fridge, I would suspect it was sub zero temperatures. It was so cold that it felt like hell had frozen over. I of course would never mention anything to her parents, but I complained like hell to her as a teen when I thought I was going to die in the bed of hypothermia. She of course didn't notice that it was cold as she was acclimatised. Her home where she went to uni was the exact same. Never any heating or hot water. The cold was something else. Other best friend came from a family of 12 and they were not landed gentry but rather her father was a miserly cunt and her mother had depression and they grew up in filth.

They both found my anal cleanliness amusing and I found their lack of concern for salmonella concerning. None of us had any problems taking the piss out of each other. They came to my place and expressed concern that they might ruffle the cushions if they sat down. I told them to fuck off and sit down and that I'd bring the glass out and let a cat lit it to make them feel more at home. Weird sense of humour, but you'd have to know us. None of us were ever insulted by the other ones. Mainly they were amused with my washing rituals.

With family, I would never ever overtly do anything to offend someone, particularly distant family. I wouldn't really go to distant family's houses though as that's a bit weird. Inlaws I've had have always had impeccably clean homes so it was never an issue apart from the cat home of one boyfriend. My father once got the sickening of his life going to the wake of a neighbour and being given a whiskey in a dirty glass. He was in bed for two days and nearly needed hospitalisation as he was vomiting so much.

I'm not into 'sterile'. Once my dc started to crawl I stopped sterilising everything. If they're licking the floor, I'm not going to scald their dummy if it falls on the floor.

If the only reason is they've decided your side of the family are incapable of catering food in a hygienic manner, then yes, they are being rude.

Its deliberately rude and insulting you /the host. If there's another reason, surely they'd offer it, being aware how rude they look?

They cant like you /the host all that much that they are prepared to do such an obvious snub based purely on not liking a now dead dog in the kitchen. (They could just not eat and then grab a takeaway on the way home.)

I know they are family, but they arent close family and don't care about your feelings enough to eat before /after to hide that they arent touching the buffet - then I wouldn't bother inviting them in the future.