AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

@irmafaylear try reading @sunflowersandbuttercups posts. She knows what she is talking about and has explained far more eloquently than me.

It is horrible to have my worst fears confirmed about how nasty and judgemental many people are towards those of us who struggle with eating. Especially at social events.

When my parents in law come to stay they bring their own towels and sleeping bags, like my home is a youth hostel. Now that is rude. Guests/ quasi friends bringing their own food? I would assume they are a bit mad and worried about eating your food. Leave them to it.

It's not about being nasty and judgemental. It's about not being rude. Like it or not it is rude to reject the host's food without explanation.
All you need to do is say I'm really sorry, I'm not comfortable eating anything but my own food, and hey presto you are no longer rude.

@IrmaFayLear

But, as many posters have said, FOUR adults with issues? My dn has food issues. No problem. But if bil, sil and their other dcs all joined in with the Tupperware thing I’d think it was a bit off.

Yes, it's very, very possible.

Allergies run in families.

Disordered eating is often normalised - if you grow up in a home where a family member struggles (especially if that family member is an adult), you don't realise that it's odd. To you, it's just "normal" to avoid certain foods, to only eat at certain times of the day, to never be allowed to eat at certain places in public.

Children who live in homes with an adult who struggles with their eating often don't realise it's abnormal until well into adulthood. Personally, I went in totally the opposite to my father, but many people will stick to what they know for the rest of their lives.

[quote DropDTuning]**@irmafaylear* try reading @sunflowersandbuttercups* posts. She knows what she is talking about and has explained far more eloquently than me.

It is horrible to have my worst fears confirmed about how nasty and judgemental many people are towards those of us who struggle with eating. Especially at social events.[/quote]
Thank you

And I'm sorry you're judged, though sadly, not surprised. I was raised by a father who had serious issues with food and the judgement and mocking he received when out and about was horrible.

Luckily he's found a great group of friends who accept him for who he is. It's just sad that it took over 20 years of illness for that to happen.

Personally it wouldn't worry me. They've probably got some food issues, so I'd just carry on. If you like them as friends then no problem.

they are not friends, they are relatives, hence the criticism.

If you want them there and it makes them feel comfortable what’s the issue? Really are other things to get bent out of shape over.

Ask if you are curious?

@MiddlesexGirl

It's not about being nasty and judgemental. It's about not being rude. Like it or not it is rude to reject the host's food without explanation. All you need to do is say I'm really sorry, I'm not comfortable eating anything but my own food, and hey presto you are no longer rude.

For someone with an eating disorder, that's a very difficult thing to say because it opens doors to a lot of unwanted questions and nosiness on behalf of others.

I have issues around certain textures - I don't want to have to tell anyone about that if I'm not comfortable, and saying "I'm only comfortable eating my own food" makes me feel put on the spot, judged and seen as very, very strange. Luckily I can pretty much always find something to eat.

But I can only imagine how it feels if you have an eating disorder or a problem with your food. They don't want attention drawn to them, they just want to be left to get on with it. You may see it as just a simple question/answer scenario, but when you're unwell or have serious food phobias, it goes a lot deeper than that.

Please don't judge people or force them to explain things. Just accept them for who they are and enjoy their company.

It's the lack of explanation that makes it weird. And lots of posters on this thread seem to do (or rather not do) the same.

I have one friend who has similar issues. Right from the off she explained that she has some weird (her words) food issues, so please not to be offended if she occasionally brings her own stuff or refuses things.

Of course that was absolutely fine and in all the years I've known her I've never thought anything of it or wanted any further information.

Had I known her all this time and she'd never referred to her unusual behaviour when food is around, it would be an elephant in the room. But she was sensible enough to refer to it, without any detail, and in a relaxed and cheery manner early on. I don't really understand why others don't.

@saraclara

It's the lack of explanation that makes it weird. And lots of posters on this thread seem to do (or rather not do) the same.

I have one friend who has similar issues. Right from the off she explained that she has some weird (her words) food issues, so please not to be offended if she occasionally brings her own stuff or refuses things.

Of course that was absolutely fine and in all the years I've known her I've never thought anything of it or wanted any further information.

Had I known her all this time and she'd never referred to her unusual behaviour when food is around, it would be an elephant in the room. But she was sensible enough to refer to it, without any detail, and in a relaxed and cheery manner early on. I don't really understand why others don't.

Because they don't feel comfortable doing so. And that should be enough.

They don't owe you an explanation for their food issues.

My sister does things like this as "She doesn't know if the hosts have made the food hygienically"

@sunflowersandbuttercups I agree that I don't need an explanation of her issues. Nor has she offered one. She simply brought the behaviour into the open by acknowledging it. One single sentence over a decade ago, that took away the awkwardness on both sides.

Unless they inexplicably volunteer an explanation after all this time, you'll never know why they do it. You can't push and insist on getting an answer, because that would most certainly be rude, so that's out.

Since you don't have the option to not invite them, you can either ignore their choice to bring their own food or you can decide that they're rude and resent them for it. Between catering and enjoying everyone's company, you'll probably be too busy to spare them more than a passing thought.

[quote saraclara]@sunflowersandbuttercups I agree that I don't need an explanation of her issues. Nor has she offered one. She simply brought the behaviour into the open by acknowledging it. One single sentence over a decade ago, that took away the awkwardness on both sides.[/quote]
But lots of people don't even feel comfortable acknowledging it.

Some may not realise it's odd because, to them, it's "normal".
Some are ashamed and hope that by not mentioning it, it will go away.
Some don't know how to bring it up without being or feeling judged, so they just don't say anything.
Some will have had bad experiences in the past and won't want to risk saying anything again.

Disordered eating is really complex and I think unless you struggle with it yourself or live with someone who does, it's really easy to sit there and say "just say something!" but the reality is not that easy.

Many people don't understand it themselves and just want it to go away.

I have an aunt who's been medicated for OCD and what is essentially being a germaphobe. I dont know the exact terminology, apologies for anyone the term germaphobe might offend! She can't touch food, nevermind it being something she hasn't prepared herself. No finger food, crisps, dip, charcuterie etc. Even a sandwich is taken from the chopping board (whilst wearing gloves) and placed into a sandwich bag. If she's coming to ours she'll then eat that sandwich by only touching the bag its in, rather than touching any part of the bread. She can't eat crisps as there's no way to do so without touching them, whereas a cake bar or chocolate bar is fine as she just pushes it up out of the wrapper as she eats. I'm sure other people find it rude that she brings her own packed lunch to their house, but I prefer her company than to worry about what she eats. She worries that if she explains it people will think she'd accusing them of having dirty kitchens or poor hygiene. The fact is she can't touch food she's made herself either, can't eat in restaurants or pubs. Let's be fair bringing your own food in tupperware to someone's house is pretty odd, I'm sure they aren't doing it for no reason, its probably a food issue of some sort and unless everyone's doing it I wouldn't take it as a slight against you.

Why don't you, politely, ask them why?

If hygiene is their issue then I expect a buffet with all that double dipping, fingers brushing against food when selecting items, people breathing and talking over the food and flies landing on anything uncovered would be too much cross contamination for them.

Some will have had bad experiences in the past and won't want to risk saying anything again.

Yes, some people don't have the sense or social grace to take a simple, vague statement/excuse and just accept it. They ask follow-up questions and don't take a hint that it's not something the other person wants to discuss.

Let's say that the OP's relatives don't think the food will be "safe", for whatever reason. Maybe they're completely wrong, but that could be how they feel. What will be gained by them saying they don't think the kitchen's clean, the food's safe, or fear that other guests will somehow contaminate the food by coughing, sneezing, or touching? Maybe just staying quiet and bringing their own food in Tupperware is as polite they can be, short of simply refusing to attend.

I would probably take my own food, if it's vegan food that is served up, but it's not an issue to be thinking about really. You should just be able to go to a party and enjoy it,and not have any issues at all.

You are looking at it from your own point of view. You are taking offence because you feel that they are rejecting your food, regardless of it you prepared it or bought it in.
The way you should be looking at it is to feel thankful that it is not you who is suffering from anxiety re food hygiene. And to just let them crack on with whatever measures they need to do to keep their fears under control. It shouldn’t bother you.

Sounds like you’re not going to be able to give them the benefit of the doubt nor accept it as not being a slight until you have got the answer out of them. You should just ask them instead of hypothesising here until it’s an actual slight. Personally it wouldn’t bother me a single bit, cousin, siblings, whatever

I know a chap with an acquired brain injury, and he will not eat anything which hasn't been cooked by his wife in their own home. (He ate perfectly normally before his brain damage). It may be that one or both of the couple you're talking about has a psychiatric problem which prevents them from eating "unknown" food. There is still a lot of stigma attached to mental illness - especially in the older generation - if that's the problem it would make it very unlikely that they would feel comfortable explaining.

It sounds like you're upset because you're trying to justify that everything is more than adequate in terms of provisions, hygiene etc. I think it's really nice of you to show them the list of food being bought and offer to add items in but if they've said no and you like their company well enough that's kind of that. Unless they're actually sat there actively insulting you...

I have a relative who does this kind of thing. Yes, it could be because they don't perceive the hygiene around the food to be good enough for them but if it's coming from a place of phobia and control then it never will be unless they have the control. It's not ideal but there is a difference between turning your nose up at someone's hospitality and not being able to cope with something. My relative thinks even if someone doesn't have a dog/cat anymore then the fact they used to means they don't understand hygiene and even if they did they'd allow people into the kitchen who did and they would "transfer".

Eating disorder.