AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

Do they do this everywhere, do you know, or just when you (or your relatives) are doing the catering?

I mean, I'd guess some kind of eating disorder or anxiety. And if that is the case, they don't have to explain themselves to anyone - that's incredibly personal.

I can understand why you feel hurt though, given your whole career is food. I think you're not unreasonable to feel hurt, but I do think you're unreasonable to keep pushing for an explanation.

Maybe they're dealing with a lot of mental worries. Maybe they're just rude. It's just one of life's mysteries - you'll never know.

I would strongly suspect eating disorder or anxiety around food.

I am think of 3 reasons
One, some people are obsessively fussy/worried about other people’s kitchen hygiene ,
Two, very fussy eaters who worry that they won’t like the food,
Three, because they’ve experienced hosts who are stingy with the food, they worry that there won’t be enough. (I would have some sympathy here, having been to the odd stingy-host do myself.).

Could be a combination of those, not that I’m saying any of them apply in the OP’s case.

I'm with you OP, the fact that this is four adults you are talking about make it very difficult to believe it is for any sort of condition, dietary or otherwise. That would surely not affect all of them unless there is a clear food provider in their house who controls all things food related and is still being allowed to do that by adult children and that person has some sort of disordered eating issue which spills over to the other three and they let it. I think I would probably have to summon up the courage to ask if they ever eat out or at anyone else's home without bringing along the Tupperware.

I would have asked them if they do this everywhere and why.

I just wouldn't invite them to this sort if get together. Would something like a picnic together work better?

It is non-standard, socially unusual certainly.

However a bit of me would LOVE to be brave enough to do this. Eating food cooked by others sometimes makes me feel a bit queasy.

What I usually do is just not eat very much if at all if I feel this way. I know it is my issue, but pushing through it doesn't work for me. I can't always face a cake stall etc at school.

If I were the host it really wouldn't bother me at all, I would see it as a harmless quirk.

Maybe their reasons are too embarrassing for them to share. For example they have a flatulence issue or an issue that causes burping or problems with digestion but they just don't want to tell you. I can't see why they would be doing it otherwise. Maybe they're just odd. Who cares?

@SnuggyBuggy

I just wouldn't invite them to this sort if get together. Would something like a picnic together work better?

I wouldn't want to exclude them a family event - and nor would it be possible for various reasons.

I'm afraid a picnic would be impossible for another family member, who has significant disabilities. They need a table, level access, and easy access to a loo, amongst other things.

Just let it go then. Laugh it off and let them bring their tupperware.

What is the point in worrying about it? No one is thinking it has anything to do with you.

Plenty of people have relatives who do odd but ultimately harmless things.

I took 20 minutes once to make salad sandwiches. These were prepared as I had been taught by washing tomatoes, salad onions and lettuce. These were carefully washed, dried and sliced all the while playing music I had discovered. I then had to disinfect the counter and butter the bread. I put the mayo and salt on the salad, mixed it all up, all the while talking utter bullshite and forcing my music onto my friends. Sandwiches were finally made and my friends (both of them from the family of 12) said that there were moments where they had contemplated beating me to death with a spring onion. Meh. I don't think they really wanted to murder me. They could not understand that I would spend 20 minutes making sandwiches. They really were uncouth however (one studied philosophy and the other was and still is a primary school teacher).

@LadyWhistledownsQuill I wouldn't want to exclude them a family event - and nor would it be possible for various reasons. I'm afraid a picnic would be impossible for another family member, who has significant disabilities. They need a table, level access, and easy access to a loo, amongst other things.

Oh GOSH it's so hard isn't it? So difficult to think of a single possible solution?

Ever considered just minding your own fucking business?

@WalkingDownTheStreet

I took 20 minutes once to make salad sandwiches. These were prepared as I had been taught by washing tomatoes, salad onions and lettuce. These were carefully washed, dried and sliced all the while playing music I had discovered. I then had to disinfect the counter and butter the bread. I put the mayo and salt on the salad, mixed it all up, all the while talking utter bullshite and forcing my music onto my friends. Sandwiches were finally made and my friends (both of them from the family of 12) said that there were moments where they had contemplated beating me to death with a spring onion. Meh. I don't think they really wanted to murder me. They could not understand that I would spend 20 minutes making sandwiches. They really were uncouth however (one studied philosophy and the other was and still is a primary school teacher).

WalkingDownTheStreet I don't see how that last sentence is relevant. Are you suggesting that primary teachers and philosophy students are uncouth? The sandwich sounds good, but 20 minutes is too long to wait sometimes!

OP you'll probably just have to ignore it as best you can. It is rude but you can't change them.

I don't know if it's better or worse but my family member who does this only does it sometimes so the host never knows if they are going to eat the food they've prepared.

We just let them do the organising in general as it's less awkward when they're comfortable.

For context, we were all hungover and hungry.

[quote ChairmansReserve]@sunflowersandbuttercups You are absolutely correct and clearly understand a lot about eating disorders.

The OP has made it clear that she not only doesn't understand, but doesn't care, and thinks it's something to be jeered at, mocked, ridiculed and insulted.

Thank you sunflowers for your caring attitude. It's reassuring to know that some people prioritise seeing their friends and family rather than judging them for their personal preferences.

Thankfully in reality I know my good friends never ever judge me and don't ever mind if I eat, don't eat, bring my own food, etc. They just want us to spend time together, which is what I want too. I have even sat through a good friend's birthday dinner at a pizza place that literally did nothing else except pizzas. I just had gin and tonics and she was totally understanding and fine about it. Because good friends, and decent people, are.[/quote]

My dad has struggled with disordered eating and orthorexia since I was a teenager. I know what it's like to live with someone who doesn't eat "normally" and I know how other people judged him. It was horrible and just made things worse.

They couldn't see beyond the "odd habits" or "weirdness" and just judged him as odd. They couldn't see the illness and tbh I think many didn't care. They just thought was odd, bizarre, rude etc. He wasn't. He was just doing his best to cope in whatever situation he found himself in.

I hope you're doing okay and your friend sounds fantastic :) My dad still struggles but I would rather see him while he drinks nothing but black coffee than not see him at all.

Veryverycalmnow I'd never seen sandwiches made otherwise whereas they were used to just eating anything that appeared before it had been made into a resplendent salad sandwich! They thought I was neurotic, I thought that they had no self control (hint - psychologist and philosophist). I know that I was right, they diagnosed me as insane. They loved my salad sandwiches though lol.

I think MN has a high proportion of germ-phobic people who are anxious/worried/terrified of eating food cooked by someone else, whereas in RL I know 2 people like it (although both are fine with pubs and restaurants) and most other people enjoy a cake sale, buffet or meal at a friends.

We were all about 20 and we had a conversation about delayed satisfaction or something from the now teacher with my best friend ever discussing the philosophical notions of food for enjoyment.

I'm confused why you think you know there are no medical (autism/allergies etc) but have a reasonably casual relationship with them. I struggle with food when I am out due to my mental health. I am a rape survivor and have irrational fears about food and drinks being drugged. Oddly enough I dont advertise my issues, only my very closest family know this and that does not extend to cousins. When meeting up and food is discussed, I either steer the conversation so that we go somewhere 'safer (which is only safe in my head so would be unlikely to make sense to anyone else) or 'no thats fine, I will sort myself out thanks' works just fine. If I was going to a home buffet and taking my own food, chances are I'd take food for the rest of my household too largely so as not to 'out myself' as having a MH issue.

I'm sure that the OP isn't going to make a big deal out of it. My cousin had diabetes and his Mum would always bring Diet 7Up to our house when visiting as she knew that my parents wouldn't have thought of it (she was right). That was my parent's fault, not the fault of my aunt.
If someone came into my house, I would not presume that they would eat everything that I eat. I'm very considerate of guests.

I remember going on a french exchange when 13 and asking for tea and cornflakes and being presented with tea poured over my cornflakes.
Are there cultural issues and diets? Are you all British born?

They may have OCD and not want to mention or maybe a specific diet that again they don’t want to discuss.

Who does an order form?

I would assume that they had an eating disorder. In which case, eating occasions are probably full of anxiety for them anyway so it is a big symbol of trust that they are coming to your gathering. I have had relatives like this - try not to judge, it isn't about you at all. Make them feel welcome and focus on having their company - not what they are eating.

I wouldn't take offence to this but then it's something I could see my BIL doing. He's a big germaphobe so he won't eat from any form of serve yourself or buffet as he doesn't trust the world around him to was their hands. He won't eat anything that's been touched by anyone else (the person cooking not included but this is new, he used to only eat from certain cooks) . It's always been his thing and he is trying to not be so OCD about it all but it's hard work for him.

Just ask them