To absolutely hate the secondary school ‘status labels’ nonsense

[Urbanhymngirl]

We bought 13 year DS a mountain bike for Xmas- it’s a Halfords one but top of their range and it cost £400- which I think is bloody expensive but he’s only just got into mountain biking and we didn’t want to spend a fortune.

But apparently in the world of mountain biking, it’s a bit shit and he’s getting teased at school with his ‘friends’ slagging off his bike as it’s not cool and he’s now upset.

Aibu to hate all this nonsense- I don’t want to spend a fortune on a bike (I mean to be honest, 400 quid is hardly cheap) for a 13 year old kid that trashes stuff and changed his mind about hobbies regularly.

There’s a lot of this financial one up man ship though I have noticed- kids bragging about expensive clothes, bikes and I fucking kid you not, house prices! Really entitled & privileged. We aren’t loaded & we can’t compete & there are plenty of similar and also worse off kids at the school.

I hate it. I spoke to him this morning but he’s so upset as basically his bike is now a status symbol and he sees it as a bit shit.

OP, I think it is a really good idea to trade up the bicycle for Christmas if he still is into mountain biking.

I really understand the pressure of labels and we are very grateful that there is a school uniform policy. It can be hard for the children.

We are very open that we have less money than their friends’ parents - and it is obvious on play dates where their friends have big houses with gardens (and sometimes staff) and we have a small flat. Our children accept that and do not ask for many things (well, PlayStation- over my dead body, phones - only in secondary school).

We do (as per my previous post) try to get some select label items on eBay.

For any kind of sports or music, we put a strong emphasis on skill. I repeatedly tell our children that the most stupid thing in the world is somebody with expensive gear and no skill. In music, you need a decent instrument about grade 4/5 and a good instrument about grade 6/7. Our children have decent/good instruments as they play at reasonable levels (at least grade 3 in year 3, at lest grade 7 in year 7 etc) but no child with less skill (which are most in their schools) gets away with teasing them. One boy tried with our son, the answer from DS was “cool instrument, too bad about your playing”.

I think it is the same with all sports as well. Tease DS about his football trainers (his friends wouldn’t anyway) and he would nutmeg them multiple times next session. Tease DD about her netball trainers and that person wouldn’t see the ball next session.

It seems to be the same for mountain biking. If your DS really loves it and becomes really good, his friends won’t be able to tease him, he would easily make them look very stupid. As he seem to be a beginner, he shouldn’t have the gear in my opinion. If he sticks with it and loves it, he can slowly upgrade.

It is interesting with the “labels as armours” theory. I think there is a lot to it. We use “skills as armours” and that works as well or better.

I do put a lot of emphasis on manners as well. And on table manners. We see a lot of rich children who cannot use cutlery properly and who seem to spend a huge amount of time on screens. In my experience that is due to parents outsourcing a lot of the upbringing to non-qualified nannies. The nannies let the children do what they want after school and cannot be bothered to emphasise table manners, they only set the table with forks and spoons and don’t eat with the children whereas the parents eat separately. These children can have all labels in the world but are uncomfortable eating with non-familiar adults (DH and I) and sometimes try to copy our children when we have dinner. We try to make them comfortable but I feel really sorry for them.

Money cannot buy you manners or skills and this is what we are trying to teach our children. It does work for us.

Buying second hand or building up your own bike is pretty much always better value for money if you know what you're doing. But it's a lot trickier if you don't know much about bikes and are not already involved in the cycling community, which I guess is the OP's situation. You can just as easily end up wasting your money on a 2nd hand bike if you don't know what you're looking for, plus there's the risk that a second hand bike is stolen - that is after all what generally happens to the stolen bikes people hear about.

I happily buy second hand, but almost exclusively from people I know, or with whom I at least have friends in common. That way I can be pretty much certain that the bike is their property and they're unlikely to lie about its history and any faults. Plus we know what we're looking for, have plenty of skills in maintenance and repair and know people who can do anything that we can't. Not everyone is in that position and new lower end with some kind of guarantee may well be more appealing than used high end with a lot of unknowns at the beginning.

It's all very well to criticise the OP for "wasting her money" at Halfords and yes, if she'd asked for advice beforehand I would have suggested alternatives too as there are other inexpensive brands that are significantly better - but she's done it now and it's understandable why. At this stage presumably her son is more likely to be practising skills in the local park than tearing down technical trails in Whistler. A better bike would probably make it easier for him but you can have fun on any bike. Plus I quite often see kids riding around on expensive bikes that look like they've never seen a bucket of water never mind been serviced. A badly maintained bike loses performance, whatever the name on the down tube, so if the OP's DS looks after his bike well it may well outlast his friends' fancy ones. To be honest, I suspect the kids she's been referring to would probably make as much fun of my DS's current "old skool" restoration project as they would a brand new Carrera as its not actually the quality of the bike they're interested in, just "fashion". That says far more about them than it does about the OP, her son, or Halfords.

This has always happened and is unlikely to ever change so I think it is best to teach them that only their opinion matters. He likes the bike and shouldn't feel forced into feeling differently because someone else does. If he can start to learn to not care what others think now he will be set for later in life and will only go down paths he truly wants to. Peer pressure also applies to things you would prefer your kids not to do eg drugs and if he can stand up for his opinion now it will definitely be reassuring when it becomes about more than a bike.

@Urbanhymngirl

Both my older dcs have Halfords bikes and really like them, they use them a lot but are not massively into proper mountain biking though.

We have been through the same sort of thing at school in the younger teen years. Not with bikes but with phones, bags, clothes etc.

I caved on some things and stood firm on others. I also asked them if they really wanted to be friends with someone who said “if you don’t have a “designer” coat I won’t be friends with you. To be honest there have always been little **s like this, I can remember them from my school days too.

From about year 10 things settled down and they found friends just like them.

I do feel that the parents are sometimes the problem too. Dh and I could have pretty much bought them whatever they’d asked for, but I absolutely did not want them to turn into entitled brats and also wanted them to know the value of money. Branded clothes were bought for Christmas and birthdays. To be fair they are happy with primark most of the time anyway.

One of my dcs is at a fairly high level in their sport and we do buy very good quality sports equipment though as I do think this is important. This was after spending a few years doing the sport though and making sure it wasn’t a passing phase.

In truth, it’s life.
Your ds is always going to encourage inter this crap as ppl are shallow and materialistic
Could be that his mates were jealous so decided to cut him down

I know it’s hard, I was a sensitive soul but now I’ve learned to laugh it off and tell them not to be such a dickhead.

Harder when younger I know.

I think explaining that some people liked to wear their wealth was helpful to my DCs after that they weren't bothered

Teach your son not to care what they think....or at least fake pretence that he doesn't. £400 is a lot of money and he's lucky to have had that much spent on him. If he wants a more expensive one, encourage him to save then he can sell that one, and possibly buy a more expensive one, but personally I don't think he should have to. Money definitely doesn't grow on trees, unless he knows of one 😂

£400 is a lot! Especially for a 13 yr old. He’s going to have to get used to never having the best stuff so he may as well get on with it now or you’re stepping onto a merry go round that will never end. My kids learnt to see people like this as complete waste of space. He needs to find better kids to be friends with. It’s the kids who are the problem not his bike.

My son is the same age and into mountain biking. It’s not so much about how much you spend but that the bike has to have certain things like suspension and a whole load of other things I don’t know.
My son would rather have a cheaper second hand one with the right spec rather than a new one without.

MrsAvocet
I agree with your post.
I'm not sure how helpful posts saying 'but £400 is loads on a bike' are. It's a lot of money, but it's still a reasonably entry level bike. It's perfectly decent for a teenager who is new to mountain biking and who is using it to get about though.
The issue isn't whether people think £400 is a lot for a bike or not, the OP could have spent £1,500 on a Giant and the unpleasant comments would still be unpleasant and out of order. It's just as rude to say "eww as if you only have Giant, that's a cheap bike. I've got a Specialised because it's cooler" as it is to make comments about a cheaper bike
Kind people don't be unpleasant towards someone based on the property they own.

This very interesting. A lot of children don't want designer brands because of the environmental impact. I wanted Chelsea girl Oxford bags for school in the 1970, my mother said no, pleated skirts and navy knickers! I now have so many clothes I store them in the loft. I love my clothes. However my daughter who was mainly privately educated thinks it is naff to have designer things. She buys off fleebay and charity shops. I would say sell the bike on but buy another second hand. We have a very famous school in our town where only the new money buy the 'fresh' blazers. The friends sound awful.

@Alis25

£400 is a lot! Especially for a 13 yr old. He’s going to have to get used to never having the best stuff so he may as well get on with it now or you’re stepping onto a merry go round that will never end. My kids learnt to see people like this as complete waste of space. He needs to find better kids to be friends with. It’s the kids who are the problem not his bike.

It's all relative....

Most kids around here have frogs as first bikes, they are £300-£350 starting price for 5 to 7 years old.

The mountain bikes start around £600 new from age 8.

It's not that a 5 year old cares in any way about these brands, but you can see how someone who is used to that kind of bikes can make a comment without wanting to be mean.

The bike rack in primary school is full of bikes that haven't cost less than a few £ new 🤷 . It's not a status symbol, parents buy these brands because they are super light and sturdy. They are good beginner bikes.

It's ridiculous. I have a friend who is struggling on furlough. He bought his son £700 Balenciaga trainers. Which he is now bored of.

Lol at the thought of 13 year olds talking about house prices. There’s more than enough time to die of boredom when you’re a 52 year old accountant.

Tell him that some people are so poor, all they have is money.

State school or private/public school?

My son is at an independent school through scholarship. He has some truly rich friends with massive hoses, designer clothes and probably equally expensive bikes. We live comfortably but in a modest way. He was never ever made to feel bad or uncomfortable about the value of his house, our cars or anything else. His friend stay over and are lovely and pleasant lads. Not bothered at all that our entire downstairs can fit in their utility room.

My experience as a child and now as a parent is that state school = WAY more impressed by labels and private school = much less pressure.

I went to a private school and was definitely one of the poorest (it’s all relative). I had no idea who was super wealthy or not because we all had the same sort of clothes. Designer trainers etc were all considered completely naff. My children are at a private school. No one gives a stuff where kit is from. My kids have Isla/frog bikes, wear Boden etc. It’s 99% second hand! I can afford to buy things new but why would I when there is so much great stuff second hand. Much better for the environment.

I was actually teased by kids when I was a teen about my trainers being “wrong”. They were from the local comprehensive and I knew them through a club. I just could t get my head around why they would care about where my trainers were from. Actually, I think I was wearing £10 Green Flash which I thought were super cool!

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

£400 is expensive, his ‘friends’ sound like twats.

With 'friends' like that who needs enemies eh? I think he needs to change his friends.

My experience as a child and now as a parent is that state school = WAY more impressed by labels and private school = much less pressure.

depends which state and which private schools. Some private schools are abysmal in term of keeping up with the Joneses. In others, you stand out like a sore thumb if you wear shiny new uniforms, and people know your background.

Some state schools are nicely casual.

It must be a nightmare to chose a school with covid, when you can no longer come and have a feel of the schools and the parents!

@apooagnuandyou In my (limited) experience, private schools that are full of new money are pretty obnoxious for keeping up with the Joneses. In our school I have found very few people look down on anyone for anything. I only care if my children’s friends are kind and reasonable polite when they come to play. Really don’t care how big their house is or how new their blazer is.

I hate this! In year 6 dds ‘friend’ told her how her house was so much bigger than ours. Funny thing is it’s same estate and probably exactly the same size, just a slightly different lay out to ours.

I'm sorry for your son - that sucks. He needs some new friends, though. These ones sound really unpleasant.

YANBU but sadly it's totally common and if you've only just bumped into it at secondary school, you've done well! In our village PRIMARY school it's a constant thing, thank god I moved my kids to a "worse" school which is much less money orientated!

@JinglePies you seriously think Boden is a budget brand?