To absolutely hate the secondary school ‘status labels’ nonsense

[Urbanhymngirl]

We bought 13 year DS a mountain bike for Xmas- it’s a Halfords one but top of their range and it cost £400- which I think is bloody expensive but he’s only just got into mountain biking and we didn’t want to spend a fortune.

But apparently in the world of mountain biking, it’s a bit shit and he’s getting teased at school with his ‘friends’ slagging off his bike as it’s not cool and he’s now upset.

Aibu to hate all this nonsense- I don’t want to spend a fortune on a bike (I mean to be honest, 400 quid is hardly cheap) for a 13 year old kid that trashes stuff and changed his mind about hobbies regularly.

There’s a lot of this financial one up man ship though I have noticed- kids bragging about expensive clothes, bikes and I fucking kid you not, house prices! Really entitled & privileged. We aren’t loaded & we can’t compete & there are plenty of similar and also worse off kids at the school.

I hate it. I spoke to him this morning but he’s so upset as basically his bike is now a status symbol and he sees it as a bit shit.

Agree this is irritating and ridiculous at best and downright ungrateful at worst. A bike costing £400 is by no means cheap. If your DS’ friends parents want to waste thousands on a bike for a 13yr old who will probably need the next size up bike in 2 years time then more fool them! Tell your DS you won’t be buying him another until he’s grown out of it!
My 2 older DD’s 16 & 18 couldn’t care less about labels and will wear anything as long as it fits and isn’t too worn out. However my 14yr old started at a different school 1 year ago and this appears to have had an affect on what she now will/won’t wear. I should have guessed the day she took the entrance exam when another girl walked out wearing €600 sandals and €500 handbag. The girl was around 15yrs old! Now my DD14 won’t wear primark clothing as it’s apparently tat and is very conscious about appearing neat and well put together at all times. When I was at secondary school in the mid-late 90’s it was the same. Puffer jackets (Schott jackets), kickers shoes and record bags, Reebok classics trainers were the height of fashion. If anyone wore anything else they were snubbed and mocked. I didn’t care though. My mum would never have forked out for these items either so I never asked.

My sister's kids live in the same town we grew up in, lots of deprivation and there is still the same brand obsession with my nephew's schools. I remember having a boyfriend from the more affluent part of that town and he was so scruffy, wore the same worn out clothes constantly, if I mentioned any brand he'd be like But then when you're affluent then you have that security of living in a financially stable household with professional parents, you can show off in other ways.

My dd has a friend that are more 'new money' and they definitely do spoil their kids and show off to an extent with material things, but aside from that they are all quite down to earth and just enjoying their money I think. So yeah I think it's down to parental attitude and how that rubs off onto the kids. Like I'd never comment to my DC about what people are wearing, or I try to avoid commenting on someone's appearance, if they're fat/thin/scruffy/fashionable as I myself am not really fussed about image so much. But I have mum friends that are highly image conscious and freely comment on it, so I can only imagine that rubs off on the kids.

Sorry this has happened but honestly, if I was spending £400 I would make damn sure it was on the right bike. That seems like a lot of money for a generic Halfords bike, I would have asked him about bikes and worked something out using that budget.

I agree that it's all wrong and he should rise above it but when you're 13, that all means nothing. You just want to fit in. I think I'd sell the bike and get him a second hand one that he really wants. He's never going to love the Halfords one and it will just make him unhappy. That goes against the grain of wise parenting I know, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

Don't speak to the parents - it will just inflame an already delicate situation. I can't imagine they are the understanding type anyway, seeing as they've raised such materialistic children.

Bite the bullet, replace the bike.

@dayswithaY the OP's DS chose that bike and liked it. Of course he could have been happy with his "generic Halfords bike" - he was until others decided to piss on his happiness!

We’re in a v average house in a bit of a crap area and we drive a rubbish car. Would you believe my year 7 son has already been picked on about our shot car and his “shit flickers paedo shoes”

His shoes are just plain black next men’s shoes. I honestly don’t know what to do, it’s awful and I really sympathise.

This thread has really got me thinking back to my secondary school days- for most of the 90s, did my A-levels a few years before the millennium

Went to the local state school in a fairly affluent London suburb

I recall being totally not bothered by designer labels, we had uniform up until we'd done our GCSEs

Remember I tended to wear smart black jeans with a top/shirt- Topshop & River Island were my faves!

By the time I got to sixth form I'd buy most of my clothes unless it was something big/expensive/needed for school

The posts about Reebok classics, record bags, Reebok Pumps are making me reminisce!

I do remember pre-GCSEs some of the girls (it was a single sex girls school) wearing obvious big labels (they could have been fakes!) eg a jumper with massive Dolce & Gabana across the front

Amongst my group of friends we'd maybe laugh about this as being a "chavvy" look but would never dream of mocking the person

My DC are too young to be into labels but I'm sure it's just a matter of time!

Would never dream of mocking them/saying anything to their face! We were too scared of getting beaten up

@TurquoiseDress I think we went to the same school and are around the same age. It was indeed the costume of the chav which is why me and most of my mates never bought/wore those things (except a record bag but most people had those). Yes to top shop, river islands, miss selfridge (which was pretty new at the time) and Jane Norman.

The thing is though, I would never have had the money to shop at TopShop or River Island at that age. That would have been classed as branded and I'd have been OK. It was the Nicks' trainers and Kwik save shoes that made me a target. Ironically, when I hit my grunge stage and wore a 2nd hand army coat to school, we were all gcse age and no one commented on what you owned.

Return the bike, it's not what he wants. I taught my children how much money was spent on marketing to gullible people, so as to raise the price of products, and of course marketing the brand name itself makes the product expensive.

I hate to say this, but 'twas ever this. If not trainers, then phones, if not phones, then some other item of apparel. Each generation goes through the same idiocy

Oh gosh, this reminds me on being at high school in the early 90s and desperately wanting one of the leather look 2 tone GHead bags that it was obligatory to carry over your shoulder with one strap, causing it to rip really quickly!

Head bags not GHead!!

of course marketing the brand name itself makes the product expensive

Depends. A pair of supermarket trainers cost may £10 and will last a year, maybe two. DDs nike cost £32 and lasted 5 years heavy use. DC have always had Kickers shoes because they took orthotics and DS couldn't destroy them (he succeeded with everything else). However the school bag of choice was a cheap ebay lookalike, not because it looked like the real thing but because this particular cheap copy had got a reputation for being ridiculously indestructible compared to both cheap and expensive backpacks.

Theres nothing wrong with choosing brands when they offer value for money. I always found price per wear/use a better guide than whether something is cheap/expensive or branded/unbranded.

My son has friends who have a great deal more spent on them than we do on him.

We constantly had the people spend their money on different things conversation. If starts with the "my friends have/do/say..." I just say since when have I bothered what others think.

The key here is to build his confidence to say something back to them along the lines of it's not about status symbols/brands/being the same as everyone else it's about enjoying what you have because you like it. Give him the confidence to say that if they think it's a "shit" bike then they aren't good friends or nice people. It's hard I know but if his circumstances arent going to change whether that's due to your finances or if like me you refuse to pay silly prices for brand items he needs to stand up to theirpathetic attitude or else find new friends!!

You can be "all the gear and no idea" or cool with less fancy stuff and far more skill.

It’s all too easy as adults to put an adult perspective on things. And we say “oh then he needs new friends!” but I promised myself I would remember how it felt to be that age, even when I was an old fogey. It meant everything to be accepted. And having something a bit shit compared to your friends felt... well... shit! But I think there is a halfway lesson to be learnt. As a kid we would just want the best thing to bought and not to stand out. As an adult we would say “hell with these terrible friends! Don’t be afraid to stand out!!” Two completely opposite points of view! I do understand that none of us want to raise spoilt children who place no value on stuff bought for them. But I am sure the OP could speak to her child and explain this is what they can afford and work out a way that takes account of the child’s feelings but is within the financial limits of what one can afford. The bike is bought now. And at £400 it sounds like to must be a very nice one! Though I also understand that for kids who are really REALLY into MTB that it’s a hugely expensive piece of kit. My son loves MTB (and has little else by way of expensive hobbies and is aiming to be a pro MTBer when older) and his bike is really a lot of money. But, it’s his “thing”. And I can well understand the OP not wanting to pay 700 for a bike which her son might decide isn’t something he’s into after all! Nor should she!
I guess what I’m saying is yes, it’s expensive. But yes we should try and remember how it felt when our parents just didn’t understand our feelings. And as adults it’s easy to imagine casting aside friends who made us feel shit, but in reality it’s really hard when we’re young!

@Middersweekly

Oooooh yes Jane Norman- I wanted wear the things in this shop but it seemed quite pricey at the time, I did get a few nice things in the sales.

Just to add, even as a teenager I was a complete & utter bargain hunter, v rarely would I pay full price for anything.

The only thing I recall paying full price was for my first pair of Levi jeans dark blue colour at the age of 17 (saved up from my saturday job!)- I loved them so much, they were a perfect fit.

In fact, I still have them somewhere in the wardrobe, I tried to get into them last year but sadly they did not fit...but I will never give them away!

If he genuinely likes the bike but is embarrassed that he doesn't "fit in" with the snobbier kids, that tells you everything you need to know. Don't worry about the bike and work on teaching him to value himself and how to politely and confidently stand up to the "status bullies" . This is for sure harder to teach and is a lifelong lesson for him in resilience, confidence, self reliance and self esteem. Put the time into building his confidence in himself and in how to stand up to bullies as they will be around for his whole life (school, work, business, neighborhood, etc) and this is the more important lesson. Good luck, it's not easy to be that person that is resilient to the desire to fit in, but it is the best thing to teach him.

Well lesson learnt and do your research before paying so much for a generic brand. You can get excellent second hand bikes but maybe not so much now since lockdown.
My teen DS isn't bothered about brands etc but I make sure he has the right shoes, trainers and back pack etc so he doesn't stand out as being completely clueless and open to bullying

It’s always been like this. I remember everyone had to have a real Pandora bracelet when I was at school or you were uncool, 5 mins later they were out and Nomimation Italy was the in thing. Then it was Micheal kors watches.I remember you were an outcast if you didn’t have a “roxy” school bag. It would have been impossible to try to keep up. It’s a very spoilt and privileged attitude and £400 is a lot of money I really would expect gratitude for that. In life, there will always be people with more and less than you. Even if I physically had the funds available to pander to every desire my kids ask for I won’t, because they need to learn that just because they want something doesn’t mean you can have it. Life doesn’t work that way. As for his friends, i would encourage him to mix with others from different backgrounds, that way there will be less competitiveness around stuff. If his friends are spoilt enough to sneer at a £400 bike they must be very spoilt, and could do with a reality check.

I just remembered the reason I do this is because an older DC neighbour took the piss out of DS shoes in yr 6 (which incidentally every boy in my DS year was wearing) and this DC had just started secondary school so I realised a different style was required.

• for when my DC went to that same secondary school the year after

At thirteen, he's old enough to understand that not every family has the same amount of money to spend and that brands and labels aren't the most important consideration. He may not like the situation, and he doesn't have to like it, but he'll have to accept it.

I'd explain how hard you and his father work to earn money for the family. It wouldn't hurt to point out that his friends are being very shallow, materialistic, and unkind. They'll eventually tire of mocking his bike and move on to something else, and if they don't, the truth is that they aren't the kind of people he should be spending time with, anyway.

@Cam2020

My niece is like this though. My sister is a single mum living in an ex-council house. She works full time too but my niece is embarrassed about her house and that she’s considered “poor” at school. Drives me insane. I buy her a lot of things to help out as does our Mum but her attitude is disappointing.

If her attitude is poor, stop buying her things! It's a hard but valuable life lesson! Everyone is embarrassed about something as a teen.

Exactly. My friend comes from a very wealthy family and her DD was so embarrassed by this as her friends were from much poorer areas and so she didn't invite her friends home, changed her accent and dropped one of the names from her double-barrelled surname. It works both ways I guess!