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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only get socially married?

494 replies

Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 07:41

Hi all

So here's the thing - DP is ambivalent about getting married (he'd do it for me but equally if we never married he'd be just as happy), and I have come to realise that all the things I want from marriage come from the social side rather than the legal side if that makes sense. I'd keep my own name regardless, and can't have kids so we won't be having any of our own, and financially I'm in a much stronger position and will likely be for the rest of my life for one reason or another. From what I know so far, getting married would if anything being a bad idea for me.

But I'd feel so sad never being someone's wife, and to grow old watching my friends get married. Never getting to do the dress and have the party. Never being able to introduce this lovely man to people as my husband. Having everyone wonder why we never got married and if we were really committed. You get the idea. But these doesn't seem like good enough reasons!

I have wondered about doing everything except the legal bit, and as no one would think they were entitled to know my legal/financial situation in any other circumstance they wouldn't need to know here either. We would live our lives after the non-legally binding ceremony exactly like any other married couple. I suppose it could 'come out' if we were to split but not need to go through a divorce.

The thing is I've never ever heard anyone else even think about doing this? It seems to totally solve my problem but I also don't know how people would feel - would they feel betrayed and lied to? But equally I feel that the particular ways in which DP and I are legally bound to each other are not other people's concern. DP's views on this are that he's bought in whatever I'd like to do and he quite likes the idea of being socially not legally married.

But what do you think? Have I lost the plot? Would you be upset/annoyed/amused if you found out you'd been to a wedding of two people who weren't legally married?

YABU - No sham weddings please
YANBU - Seems harmless enough

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 22/04/2021 08:35

I'd hate to be in my 50s and 60s and have people still consider him "just a boyfriend".

Why can't you call him your partner? 'Boyfriend' is for teenagers surely. I'm not in the UK but lots of people here never marry and are thought of in just the same light as those who are. If having the dress and the party etc. are that important to you then get married - it all seems a bit weird to me to pretend.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 08:36

You'd be so sad never being anyones wife...but you still won't be anyones wife. So how will it help you at all? You think it matters that he's "just a boyfriend" but no-one really cares about that, apart from all the legal bits that actually matter.

You want o pay more tax if one of you dies, you want to not be each others next of kin, you want to be legally not linked to each other....but you want to pretend he is your husband? No, none of that makes any sense at all.

CoconutMaracas · 22/04/2021 08:37

Is this because he doesn’t actually want to get married? I know you’ve presented your own reasons too but I think you mentioned somewhere you’d get married if he asked.
I think that would be more of my concern , if you’re the one for each other and you love each other and want to be together forever why doesn’t he want to celebrate this properly? Otherwise you have a party and still end up in the same position as boyfriend/girlfriend and not husband and wife

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:38

It does sound like you are a bit too much what other people think tbh. If you don't want to get legally married then own it.

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 08:39

A civil partnership may suit you but I am not sure if that is done in the UK at the moment. If it isn't, I'm sure it will be before too long.

AmyLou100 · 22/04/2021 08:39

So cutting down your post it's actually a fake wedding? Yeah as a friend, I would think something was seriously amiss with you and would step away from the friendship.

Allwokedup · 22/04/2021 08:40

You’re overthinking. Just do it- how would anyone ever know? It’s no different to a religious ceremony. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. MN is so rigid and strange about things especially weddings so you’ll be told you can’t do this but why can’t you? In your eyes you would be married. Why is it anyone else’s business?

eaglejulesk · 22/04/2021 08:42

Marriage is a financial contract designed to protect the non-working partner.

Living in a another country this is something I really can't get my head around. It all seems so cold and clinical. Here people get married because they want to commit, you still have financial rights if you aren't married.

youcancallmequeene · 22/04/2021 08:42

Socially married. 🙄. Sounds the same nonsense as MMs claim that they got married 3 days before

Anyway, if you don't want to be legally married but want all of the pomp around the big day, you want a party.

There is nothing stopping you spending a shit load of money on a party and wearing a pretty dress.

Bbq1 · 22/04/2021 08:42

What is the definition of a common law wife? Isn't that what you would be anyway if you stayed together, Op?

Carbara · 22/04/2021 08:43

Just get married, ffs.

rosemary35 · 22/04/2021 08:43

You’ve said Finally - the "he's just a boyfriend" line is exactly why I'd want to do get socially married. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my life partner, best friend etc. I'd hate to be in my 50s and 60s and have people still consider him "just a boyfriend". Feel quite emotional about that.

Call me old fashioned, but you should get married because you love each other, and you want to call each other husband and wife. I married my husband because I adored the idea of having him as my husband and growing old together, because I love him and see him as my life partner, etc etc. It seems like you feel the exact same way!

I earn more than my husband, I didn’t take his name, etc. It doesn’t matter. If you want to be husband and wife, then get married. Even just a small registry office ceremony. I’m sorry but I really don’t think you can call yourself husband and wife otherwise, it’s untruthful and devalues the state of actually being married.

Some people on mumsnet have a weird view of marriage. It’s a financial arrangement designed to protect the non-working partner, no other purpose etc etc... it comes across as really sad. All the longest lasting marriages I know (parents, in laws etc) are about love and being a life partner. There’s being practical and sensible, and then there’s taking it too far and sucking all the joy and love out of it by looking at it that way...

Carbara · 22/04/2021 08:43

No such thing as common law wife in the uk.

LauraLaurie · 22/04/2021 08:43

In response to OP.

I did see that Vanessa Redgrave and partner had done this. They have a son together from way back but other adult children too. From what I gathered (as a complete stranger from reading in the press!) they wanted to have a public ceremony but not entangle their financial affairs.

Perhaps suitable for your situation too.

TatianaBis · 22/04/2021 08:44

As you’re in a financially stronger position, I’d steer clear of marriage but get legals sorted - wills etc.

Then have some kind of party/blessing whatever.

This seems more about your own conventionality than anything.

AmyLou100 · 22/04/2021 08:44

Sorry but what is a commitment ceremony? So you are still not married - just the party bit. Very odd.

youcancallmequeene · 22/04/2021 08:44

Also @Enormousnamechange my mum and dad weren't married. When he died unexpectedly she was not his next of kin. I was. Not really decisions I wanted to take tbh.

But something for you to think about.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 08:45

What is the definition of a common law wife? Isn't that what you would be anyway if you stayed together, Op?

It's a myth. Common law wife is not a thing and means nothing.

PembrokeshireDreaming · 22/04/2021 08:46

Friends of mine were a long-standing couple who had no intention of marrying.........on their 20th Anniversary of being together they had a huge party for family and friends, it was an amazing day. A party to celebrate their commitment to each other..........everyone had a ball and there was no confusion that it was a wedding.
Can't you have a big party to celebrate your commitment to each other?
If you want to be a wife and to introduce your partner as your husband then you need to get married!!!

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:46

@Maggiesfarm

A civil partnership may suit you but I am not sure if that is done in the UK at the moment. If it isn't, I'm sure it will be before too long.
Civil partnership would join them legally which it sounds like OP doesn't want.
GroundingProject · 22/04/2021 08:48

@rosemary35

For what it’s worth, I think wanting to be someone’s wife, and wanting to call the man you love your husband, are good enough reasons to get married Smile
I agree, you have a very good reason to do this. What don’t you have a Handfasting Ceremony followed by a party and big dress etc. As a guest I’d be delighted to be invited.
ChairmansReserve · 22/04/2021 08:48

Lying to your friends and family because you think marriage is "higher status", but you're not willing to actually make that commitment, you just want the glory and attention without any of the risks or responsibilities. Grim.

Hamjamthankyoumam · 22/04/2021 08:49

Have a pagan handfasting, I think so long as you don’t call it a wedding it’s fine, people forget the term ‘common law husband/wife’, if you have a ceremony of commitment to each other regardless of legal marriage you will be justified in using the terms husband and wife.
Good for you!

Etinox · 22/04/2021 08:49

@youcancallmequeene

Also *@Enormousnamechange* my mum and dad weren't married. When he died unexpectedly she was not his next of kin. I was. Not really decisions I wanted to take tbh.

But something for you to think about.

Yes do a handfasting ceremony and also next of kin and wills separately.
JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 22/04/2021 08:50

I don't know why so many people seem to be objecting to this. I think its a lovely idea. People don't just get married for the legal protection. It's also because they want the commitment and to demonstrate love for each other.
If I were invited to that kind of wedding, I'd not think anything of it really.