To only get socially married?

[Enormousnamechange]

Hi all

So here's the thing - DP is ambivalent about getting married (he'd do it for me but equally if we never married he'd be just as happy), and I have come to realise that all the things I want from marriage come from the social side rather than the legal side if that makes sense. I'd keep my own name regardless, and can't have kids so we won't be having any of our own, and financially I'm in a much stronger position and will likely be for the rest of my life for one reason or another. From what I know so far, getting married would if anything being a bad idea for me.

But I'd feel so sad never being someone's wife, and to grow old watching my friends get married. Never getting to do the dress and have the party. Never being able to introduce this lovely man to people as my husband. Having everyone wonder why we never got married and if we were really committed. You get the idea. But these doesn't seem like good enough reasons!

I have wondered about doing everything except the legal bit, and as no one would think they were entitled to know my legal/financial situation in any other circumstance they wouldn't need to know here either. We would live our lives after the non-legally binding ceremony exactly like any other married couple. I suppose it could 'come out' if we were to split but not need to go through a divorce.

The thing is I've never ever heard anyone else even think about doing this? It seems to totally solve my problem but I also don't know how people would feel - would they feel betrayed and lied to? But equally I feel that the particular ways in which DP and I are legally bound to each other are not other people's concern. DP's views on this are that he's bought in whatever I'd like to do and he quite likes the idea of being socially not legally married.

But what do you think? Have I lost the plot? Would you be upset/annoyed/amused if you found out you'd been to a wedding of two people who weren't legally married?

YABU - No sham weddings please
YANBU - Seems harmless enough

You sound like you’re suffering from FOMO.....

Well since you’re so so loaded get a prenup or don’t bother
Or
If you just want a party surely you can have one ?

Don’t lie to people that’s really scummy

I’d do this, tell everyone you reckon they probably are questioning why you are not married and that you’ve decided not to but that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other so you’re going to have a commitment ceremony on your 10th/12th or whatever anniversary and you’d love if family could celebrate that spiritual/soulmate commitment/love

I have only read the OPs post. But in her position I would go and see a solicitor. Pay the £150 odd for an appointment and ask them where she stands legally. Because if she is in England and Wales then things can get comolicated fast and she should know all her options, unfettered byn rose tinted glasses of true love and committment and all that.

I think you’re overthinking OP.

I didn’t come up with a list of pros and cons over marriage. I met someone, fell in love with him, he asked if I’d like to join him in marriage and I fancied it so I said yes. It really doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. I certainly didn’t go into it thinking about how he might screw me over my assets if it all went wrong.

I’d be annoyed if I was invited to a wedding that was really just an excuse for the ‘bride’ to be ‘socially’ married, whatever that is.

I've been to one "wedding" where I and most people didn't know that the couple had had a registry do a few months before. Not an issue.
I've been to a registry do and then a church "wedding" where most people didn't know it wasn't the legal bit. Wasn't an issue for me.
Both of these are slightly different to your situation but I'd be tempted to be upfront and call it a commitment ceremony. I'm sure people will come to the party all the same.

The wedding isn't the goal here, the wide social acknowledgement of our commitment to each other and the life we are building together is what I'm after. but you AREN’T commuted to each other in the way a husband and wife are. You want to pretend you are without risking losing your money or him deciding medical stuff if you can’t. What you want is for us all to pretend you are more committed than you are.

I remember years ago someone telling me that many Muslim weddings in the UK are not legally registered- I think it could make sense if you were religious and wanted a marriage recognised in your religion without having to do the legal stuff.

For a religious marriage to be legally recognised in the UK (other than marriages that take place in the rites of Judaism, the C of E/C in Wales and possibly Quakerism), it has to be in a registered building. Most mosques aren't registered, so to be legally married, a Muslim couple who have had a nikah need to also have a civil/legal wedding in a registry office, otherwise their marriage is not legally binding. (It's legally disastrous, for women in particular, as they are then reliant on potentially discriminatory Sharia courts which also have no legal clout to get a settlement after a religious divorce.)

I don't think it's a solution for the OP.

Also continually gobsmacked at some of the blatant gold digging that gets admitted to on here, and people who wouldn't marry someone poorer than them...

@PembrokeshireDreaming

Friends of mine were a long-standing couple who had no intention of marrying.........on their 20th Anniversary of being together they had a huge party for family and friends, it was an amazing day. A party to celebrate their commitment to each other..........everyone had a ball and there was no confusion that it was a wedding. Can't you have a big party to celebrate your commitment to each other? If you want to be a wife and to introduce your partner as your husband then you need to get married!!!

This seems like the perfect compromise.

Glad you decided to do the commitment ceremony.

Lying to all your friends is the quickest way to lose them.

I don't understand the need to lie?
My partner and I had a handfasting in Scotland. It was beautiful with lots of friends and decorations and smart dress etc. We were very open about it being a handfasting as these are not legal. People still brought champagne with them and threw flowers over us!
I would go with something like that.

I can't see the point of this tbh, if you'd like to be a wife then just get married, there's nothing to stop you calling him your husband but you don't need a fake wedding for it. Why don't you do a commitment ceremony or something if you want a party and dress and be up front with friends/family?

Don’t get married but have a commitment ceremony. Make it clear to guests what it is

Why not just get married and set up a prenup that keeps your assets separate? That would fulfil you desire to be husband and wife while keeping your finances protected.

There's no such thing as 'socially married'

I'd be bloody annoyed if I bought a wedding present for someone and wished them well in their married life only to find out it was all a fake.

Just have a big party to celebrate your relationship, invite your friends and family and wear a fancy dress and have a cake. Job done, and no deceit.

I've only skimmed so likely echoing PP's... You're saying you want to have some sort or commitment ceremony and, on top of that, make sure you are both covered legally, financially etc. By getting married you'd do that in one go

This is very thought-provoking, thank you for all your comments. I've got a lot to think about, and as I mentioned upthread, this isn't something that is happening in the near future or that I'm booking and planning right now!

I understand the point raised about marriage being an extra layer of commitment, in that you cannot walk away easily if things break down or struggle. I'm not sure how I feel about this, especially tied in with the argument some posters have made about me not being as committed to DP as someone who married their partner. Of course I love him and am committed to him - but at the same time, I've seen ugly divorces and (of course) am a lurker on the Relationships board for a very very long time and have seen countless times previously very happy marriages come apart in heartbreaking ways. The end of a marriage is awful enough, without the lengthy process of divorce. I just can't imagine signing myself up to possibly go through that with the added risk that I would lose assets that I've worked really hard to earn as well. Does that mean I'm not committed enough to DP? Or am I being sensible? I really don't know. I don't know.

I wish I didn't want the fairy tale wedding I was sold as a girl, it would make everything easier! I know you're not supposed to admit it on Mumsnet, and I don't want a big frock or a big party by any stretch, but I can't deny that I would like to get ready to marry DP with my best friend and my mum, and see him at the end of the aisle and get to promise to be with him always. I want to give those memories to my family who want those things for me as well. I'm torn between this and what I know is the safe, sensible choice and I'm trying to find a way to compromise between those two things.

Lol I should have read the whole thread, I see you got there on your own without my input 🤣🤣 good luck x

I’m confused why you wouldn’t just get married? You could agree a prenup if you’re concerned you’d be worse off following a divorce, but I would not do a “social marriage” as it really is just a big lie.
Just get married. You’re overthinking it.

I disagree with this advice. Pre-nups are generally unenforceable. Also the advice to have a civil partnership. Fine if it’s the religious or traditional aspects of marriage that bother you but it’s still the legal contract.

I’m 5 years in, not married and we don’t live together but my chap is still my partner

@Isadora2007

I’m confused why you wouldn’t just get married? You could agree a prenup if you’re concerned you’d be worse off following a divorce, but I would not do a “social marriage” as it really is just a big lie. Just get married. You’re overthinking it.

Pre nups have no legal basis in the UK

I'm of the opinion you can do whatever you like so long as your honest! I doubt many people would really mind if it was a legal service or not. I can understand why you would want to call your DP your husband rather than boyfriend, most of your friends and family would too I'd think.

Non married friends of mine had a 10 year anniversary party to celebrate their relationship. It was fab.

They will probably do something similar at 20 years. I hope so!

FWIW, in our friendship group I am only vaguely aware of who is married and who is not, and then only some of them. I don’t view their relationships any differently.

You don’t need the financial/ contractual aspects of marriage, it is a myth that you can’t be considered next of kin if not married (and either way you should sort LPA). So it’s down to your feelings.

If you have live and commitment, you do. Do you feel insecure, and if so why, and why would a frilly frock sort it? If you feel Rick solid, what validation do you need?

If either of you are seriously ill and need decisions made then you are not each others next of kin. You can be together for decades but not be able to make decisions about what happens at the end of life.

For that alone get married.

I honestly don't understand this.

You say that you are committed and that you love your partner. So get married.

And you want the dress and party. So get married.

There is no reason to get married other than saying that you are not committed.

You can't say that you are committed as a married person but not get married because you don't want to commit

Have a look at this op, if you did go for marriage: www.acclaimedfamilylaw.co.uk/blog/guide-to-prenuptial-agreements-in-the-uk/

Whole load of fuss and expense for you and your guests for a shame wedding though isn't it? You've said yourself you want to call the man you love your husband so I'd see that as reason enough to actually get married.