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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only get socially married?

494 replies

Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 07:41

Hi all

So here's the thing - DP is ambivalent about getting married (he'd do it for me but equally if we never married he'd be just as happy), and I have come to realise that all the things I want from marriage come from the social side rather than the legal side if that makes sense. I'd keep my own name regardless, and can't have kids so we won't be having any of our own, and financially I'm in a much stronger position and will likely be for the rest of my life for one reason or another. From what I know so far, getting married would if anything being a bad idea for me.

But I'd feel so sad never being someone's wife, and to grow old watching my friends get married. Never getting to do the dress and have the party. Never being able to introduce this lovely man to people as my husband. Having everyone wonder why we never got married and if we were really committed. You get the idea. But these doesn't seem like good enough reasons!

I have wondered about doing everything except the legal bit, and as no one would think they were entitled to know my legal/financial situation in any other circumstance they wouldn't need to know here either. We would live our lives after the non-legally binding ceremony exactly like any other married couple. I suppose it could 'come out' if we were to split but not need to go through a divorce.

The thing is I've never ever heard anyone else even think about doing this? It seems to totally solve my problem but I also don't know how people would feel - would they feel betrayed and lied to? But equally I feel that the particular ways in which DP and I are legally bound to each other are not other people's concern. DP's views on this are that he's bought in whatever I'd like to do and he quite likes the idea of being socially not legally married.

But what do you think? Have I lost the plot? Would you be upset/annoyed/amused if you found out you'd been to a wedding of two people who weren't legally married?

YABU - No sham weddings please
YANBU - Seems harmless enough

OP posts:
RuggeryBuggery · 22/04/2021 07:58

If you don’t want to get married because you don’t want to share your finances with him because you’re better off... then I feel sorry for him.

emilyfrost · 22/04/2021 07:59

Finally - the "he's just a boyfriend" line is exactly why I'd want to do get socially married. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my life partner, best friend etc. I'd hate to be in my 50s and 60s and have people still consider him "just a boyfriend". Feel quite emotional about that.

You can be as emotional about it as you want, it doesn’t change the truth. There is no socially married.

If you never get legally married, he will always just be your boyfriend. You will never be a wife.

Arcadia · 22/04/2021 07:59

I kind of get it I think.
I'm a divorce lawyer so I know that it's not always a good idea to get married (depends on circumstances, sounds like you are the stronger financial party), and the fallout can be messy.
Why not have a blessing/celebration of your relationship/commitment ceremony type thing and you can still dress up and have a party for your family and friends.

crumpet · 22/04/2021 08:00

I wouldn’t call it a social marriage. By all means have a commitment party (in the same way some people have a naming ceremony for their children rather than a formal baptism)

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 22/04/2021 08:00

My ExH is vocal that he didn't want to share his assets with his current partner so they had a handfasting ceremony. She wore a white dress. She deserves better than that charade.

minniemomo · 22/04/2021 08:00

Surely the legal bit is the main reason for marriage. Why not have a low key legal marriage then throw a party?

crumpet · 22/04/2021 08:00

Yes, a blessing ceremony could also be nice

drspouse · 22/04/2021 08:01

If you don't want to lose your assets then that's a good reason to call him your partner, and not get married. Or have a prenup.

imalmostthere · 22/04/2021 08:01

Saying you're a "wife" when you aren't actually legally married, is the same as me saying I'm now a koala because I went to the zoo.
It's not a thing. You won't be a wife. You'll be someone who had a party, and is still someone's girlfriend.

MissTrip82 · 22/04/2021 08:01

I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life lying to people, no. I wouldn’t lie to family and friends either. That seems like a really negative thing to do.

Wanting to be married is enough of a reason to get married.

Or just make it clear you’re having a ‘commitment ceremony’. I’ve been to one of these for people who didn’t agree with marriage because then it was still illegal for gay couples. It was a nice ceremony and party but nobody lied.

Houseofvelour · 22/04/2021 08:01

If you don't want to lose assets to him, you could always both sign a prenup and talk through who would take what.
You'd legally protect yourselves so you wouldn't have to worry about that side of things.

Personally I don't feel great about the whole socially married idea. It just feels really dishonest.

WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 22/04/2021 08:02

I am really struggling to understand any compelling reasons for you NOT to get married.

If you really want to protect your assets then get a prenup. I can't understand any other reason not to get married and you seem to want to have all of the other trappings/benefits but without going through with it. Just, why? Plenty of people keep their own name etc.

Honestly stop the handwringing and just do it. Is it a sort of snobbery? Like 'ugh marriage is soooo clichéd and antiquated, it's not for US all that legal mumbo jumbo and Princess dresses but can I have the bits I want, please.' Sorry to sound harsh, I don't mean to, but it sort of comes across a bit like that to me.

FOJN · 22/04/2021 08:03

Have a commitment ceremony and exchange rings, tell your friends and family you will be referring to each other as husband and wife from that point on. Be open and above board with it and I've no doubt most people will respect your choices.

I think many adults understand boyfriend/ girlfriend terms feel as if they trivialise long term committed relationships and perhaps partner also feels as if it doesn't reflect the intended permenance of your commitment.

I don't think it's necessary to deceive to achieve what you would like.

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:05

If one of you dies there is legal protection if you get married.

I would be really upset to find I'd attended a big party celebrating the couple getting married to find they weren't married. It's different if you had got married legally at the registry office beforehand.

Why not just have a big party.

MadeOfStarStuff · 22/04/2021 08:06

YABU You still won’t be someone’s wife if you don’t have the legal part. It’s not the big party that makes you a wife. So if you want to call yourself a wife without the legal side, doing it now is exactly the same as doing it after a big party except less attention seeking.

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:07

Agree with PP call it a comittment ceremony

Original poster
Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 08:08

Thank you for your input - didn't think I'd get such a battering so quickly but that's AIBU!

So to clear up one thing - the ceremony would be s means to an end. Probably a small one, not a big party with a big swishy dress. It would be wonderful to experience that at least once in mg life but is not what I'm hoping to get out of it. The big party is not the aim - but if we started calling ourselves husband and wife without a ceremony then it would be immediately obvious that we weren't actually married. So the ceremony is the means to an end and a way to avoid a big flag advertising the fact we weren't legally married.

Other points that have come up - absolutely we'd tidy up the legal loose ends to make sure we got the protection we both wanted.

DP also has a good career in his own right, he's just financially not as solid as I am because of past choices. And it isn't at all that I don't want to share my assets etc. with him, it's just that he doesn't want them! And I'd feel like such a tit if it all went up in smoke in twenty years and he was able to take a significant chunk of my assets when he didn't even want them in the first place. If he felt differently I'd feel differently on that point.

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 22/04/2021 08:09

Meh, it's got bugger all to do with anyone else. Do the frock and party and have a hand tying ceremony or similar and call him your husband and have a snazzy honeymoon (when we can finally escape the country) and do what you bloody like.

It's your relationship and you'd be paying for it and that's pretty much the end of it.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/04/2021 08:10
Confused However you seem to want to do honestly what many many couples do dishonestly. You want a wedding: fancy dress, party, all the bells and whistles but have little or no regard for the marriage part.

I think it's a shame.

Can't you just buy a couple of rings and call each other husband and wife. I doubt many would care.

turkeyboots · 22/04/2021 08:11

Have a blessing or go get married abroad somewhere your marriage isn't recognised in the UK. Unless you want the big white church wedding?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 22/04/2021 08:11

I don’t think you’d get away with keeping it quiet. I got married last year. The number of people who have ordered our marriage certificate is insane. It seems to be a “thing” now, at least in some places...

And I’ve been to two weddings where the actual legal part happened elsewhere, and both times they were found out and people were really unhappy. It feels deceptive.

You’ll always get people who don’t care - I’m not sure I would - but you’ll also get people who do.

It sounds like you do want to be married, but you want to protect your assets too? Could you talk to a solicitor about ways of doing that?

Or would a civil partnership be better?

But I wouldn’t get married for the dress and him not being your boyfriend anymore. It’s not a loaded term, and I think people naturally switch to partner anyway. If they haven’t already, if you start referring to him as your partner, others will too.

I’m really happy we got married and it was lovely, but a big reason we did it was for the legal protection, for assets, children, being NOK, etc.

If you do choose to take this route, I’d make it clear that it’s not legally binding, so people know. That way you can’t inadvertently upset anyone, and there’s no stress or risk of people feeling misled.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/04/2021 08:12

Just read your last post. With or without a ceremony you won't be married so what's the point?

M0rT · 22/04/2021 08:12

I don't know why people are reacting as if this is a really out there idea, a lot of people have non legally binding religious wedding ceremonies and they and their communities consider themselves married!
Also a lot of people do the "legal bit" separately to their wedding ceremony as they want a more personalised ceremony.
So if your going to do it call it a wedding blessing or handfasting or whatever aligns with your personality/lifestyle and I think your good to go!
One of my DSis could definitely have told me she was having a handfasting instead of a traditional wedding for example and I would have completely accepted it as she is a bit of a hippie and has been talking about the patriarchy in the church since she was 13.
If your more conservative and from a family of churchgoers then maybe a blessing is more for you.
There are loads of options and I completely see why you would want to take one of them.
Just make sure you do the legal bits necessary with a solicitor also. I know no-one wants to think about it but you can make someone your Next of Kin without getting married for example.
And when you do get older legal PoA for each other are probably more likely to be useful than a marriage certificate.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/04/2021 08:13

@rosemary35

For what it’s worth, I think wanting to be someone’s wife, and wanting to call the man you love your husband, are good enough reasons to get married Smile
This^
Porcupineintherough · 22/04/2021 08:14

If you are living together and sharing your lives and have been doing so for a number of years then he's not just another boyfriend, he's your partner. I think most people would recognize that as a serious relationship.

Ultimately if you want to refer to him as your husband you can, but as you absolutely dont want to commit to him in that way it would be a tad hypocritical.

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