Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 19 20

Original poster

To only get socially married?

494 replies

Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 07:41

Hi all

So here's the thing - DP is ambivalent about getting married (he'd do it for me but equally if we never married he'd be just as happy), and I have come to realise that all the things I want from marriage come from the social side rather than the legal side if that makes sense. I'd keep my own name regardless, and can't have kids so we won't be having any of our own, and financially I'm in a much stronger position and will likely be for the rest of my life for one reason or another. From what I know so far, getting married would if anything being a bad idea for me.

But I'd feel so sad never being someone's wife, and to grow old watching my friends get married. Never getting to do the dress and have the party. Never being able to introduce this lovely man to people as my husband. Having everyone wonder why we never got married and if we were really committed. You get the idea. But these doesn't seem like good enough reasons!

I have wondered about doing everything except the legal bit, and as no one would think they were entitled to know my legal/financial situation in any other circumstance they wouldn't need to know here either. We would live our lives after the non-legally binding ceremony exactly like any other married couple. I suppose it could 'come out' if we were to split but not need to go through a divorce.

The thing is I've never ever heard anyone else even think about doing this? It seems to totally solve my problem but I also don't know how people would feel - would they feel betrayed and lied to? But equally I feel that the particular ways in which DP and I are legally bound to each other are not other people's concern. DP's views on this are that he's bought in whatever I'd like to do and he quite likes the idea of being socially not legally married.

But what do you think? Have I lost the plot? Would you be upset/annoyed/amused if you found out you'd been to a wedding of two people who weren't legally married?

YABU - No sham weddings please
YANBU - Seems harmless enough

OP posts:

HariboBrenshnio · 22/04/2021 08:15

I think it's a great idea. Hold a humanist ceremony or a commitment ceremony. People can know it's not legally binding. Have a great party with all your friends and family celebrating your love. Marriage is outdated and I really only think women who need financial protection should do it (SAHM mums etc).

Call him your husband - who makes up the rules on what you can and can't say? Don't bend to societal pressure and do you. I think we'll see much more of this in the future.

GreenSlide · 22/04/2021 08:15

@RuggeryBuggery

Sorry I think it’s a bit weird If you don’t want to get married then own it. If you want him to be your husband... get married.

If you want a big party celebrating your commitment then have that, could be an anniversary party maybe.

Yeah I agree with this. You seem to want to get married so that married people can't look down their nose at your relationship, and they will (as evidenced by this thread) but if you don't want to be married i mean you can take that safe in the knowledge that your relationship is just as strong as theirs. Loads of marriages end in divorce anyway so marriage is no indicator of how good a relationship is. But you don't need me to tell you that.

But if you want to be married then just get married!

alloverthecarpetagain · 22/04/2021 08:16

I think your idea is harmless enough, but don't see why you don't just say outright to your dp that you'd like him to be your husband, just because it would be nice and you love him. I think your reasons for wanting to marry him and call him 'husband' are really romantic.

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:17

I'd do it the other way and get legally married quietly and go to a solicitor to draw up some sort of agreement where your husband doesn't get any of your assets.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 22/04/2021 08:17

Don't invite people to a wedding (that obligates them to book annual leave, spend money on travel and accommodation if they aren't local, spend money on appropriate clothing, buy you a present...)

"Elope" if you like though and come back from a weekend in Scotland/ week in the Maldives calling each other husband and wife.

Yes do ensure that your wills, power of attorney etc etc are all set up accordingly.

museumum · 22/04/2021 08:18

I think marriage is all about that risk that it might not work out. The whole “richer poorer better worse” bit tying yourselves together no matter what.
So - do YOU really want to be his wife or do you just care what other people think?

If you do really want to be his wife for you then for goodness sake just get married. I’m pretty sure you can protect assets/wealth from before the marriage legally (a friend of mine did this with a family inheritance).

Maray1967 · 22/04/2021 08:20

You won’t be able to hide it as there will be no signing of the register and as one PP says the celebrant should make the situation clear at the start of the ceremony. Relatives of mine did the legal bit at the register office and then the religious part at an old chapel that was not licensed for weddings and the minister made it clear at the chapel service that they had already legally married, not that it was a secret as we all knew what they wanted to do.

likeamillpond · 22/04/2021 08:22

You sound as if you like having the uooee hand regards money. It doesn't sound as if he has the same money security as you.
and you are worried that if you marry and were to divorce, he would get half?

Now put the shoe on the other foot.
You say you are unable to have children.
How would you feel if he had doubts about marrying you because of that?
Would you not find it a bit calculating?

People aren't perfect.

Dinosauraddict · 22/04/2021 08:23

If you want him to be your husband, not boyfriend, then marry him. A fake ceremony (or effectively a party) does not change your legal status and you would not be hid wife any more than you are now. I would be really annoyed if I took annual leave, spent out on gifts, outfits, etc for a party that was sold as a wedding. Lying to your friends is not a good look.

drpet49 · 22/04/2021 08:23

* Finally - the "he's just a boyfriend" line is exactly why I'd want to do get socially married. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my life partner, best friend etc. I'd hate to be in my 50s and 60s and have people still consider him "just a boyfriend". Feel quite emotional about that.*

^But he won’t be your husband. He will always be your partner/ boyfriend. Fact.

TheUndoingProject · 22/04/2021 08:24

I think the reason society recognises marriage as a such a big deal is because of the legal and financial implications it has. I’d feel very odd lying to my family and friends about the truth.

Original poster

Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 08:24

Sorry - I should have been more clear. The wedding isn't the goal here, the wide social acknowledgement of our commitment to each other and the life we are building together is what I'm after. From my experience, you only really get that by being married and I definitely agree with the trivial sounding "boyfriend/girlfriend" is part of that. To be honest, I hadn't thought about having a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding, and being able to be open about the fact that we aren't married. I suppose I thought it wouldn't be taken as seriously, but from the number of posters suggesting I've changed my mind on that and it could really work for us. I'd hate to lie to my friends (as I say, family would know) for the rest of my life, so if we can get what we want without that then that is obviously massively preferable!

It's really not about the party, although of course it would be lovely to experience it myself and with my family. I'm as sure as anyone can be that he's my One, but I don't think my reasons for wanting to get married are good enough - as I've mentioned above they're all socially motivated and it seems silly to get legally bound (to the extent it would take months if not years to extricate ourselves if it went wrong) for reasons even I don't think are strong enough. If that makes sense.

I'm definitely still making up my mind on this! Thank you for all of the points raised

OP posts:

likeamillpond · 22/04/2021 08:24

But he's willing to marry you whatever your circumstances are.
Unlike the other way around.
He must truly love you.

SoupDragon · 22/04/2021 08:25

Friends of my parents did this and it only came out when one of them died. It caused all sorts of problems with pensions etc.

StormcloakNord · 22/04/2021 08:25

I echo PP's.

You will never be husband and wife unfortunately, and even if you do the whole shabang and have a "fake wedding" (which raises a whole host of other weird issues) you'll always know in the back of your mind you aren't actually husband and wife.

It will eventually feel like a total charade, which it is, and every time someone asked about getting married/weddings you'd be lying to them.

Just get married

thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2021 08:26

Sorry but these are not good reasons to get married. These are the worst kinds of reason to get married and the reason so many marriages fail.

Marriage is a financial contract designed to protect the non-working partner. No more, no less. With a thick veneer of romantic nonsense layered on top through decades/centuries.

Your post makes it clear that marriage is not really appropriate for either of you. He doesn't really want to and you don't need to. Why on earth would you do something which will be a lifelong millstone around your neck for the social reasons only?

I think you need to give yourself a bit of a wake-up call about what marriage really is. It's not about hearts and flowers and table settings and big white dresses. It's a financial contract, like buying a house. If it doesn't make sense financially, don't do it just for the sake of it. You'll make yourselves miserable.

GlassBoxSpectacular · 22/04/2021 08:28

I don’t really understand: you want to get fake married and tell people it’s not a legal wedding, just so that that people don’t question why you’re not married?

GappyValley · 22/04/2021 08:29

My brother and sister in law had a destination wedding with a non-legal ceremony, with the intention of sorting the legal bit out at a later date.

As far as I’m aware, they didn’t actually do the legal side but they are a married couple to everyone.

No one asked to check the certificate before buying them a present..!

KihoBebiluPute · 22/04/2021 08:29

Don't do a sham marriage. That would be lying to all your friends and family if you don't tell them. If you tell them then fair enough have a big party to celebrate your (non commited) relationship but don't call it a marriage.

If you don't get married then someone else (your nearest blood relative) is your default 'next of kin' who has the power to make all the decisions if you are unconscious and needing medical treatment, or if one of you dies and there are decisions to be made about funerals etc. The easiest way to make each other your next of kin for these purposes is to get married.

PollyThePony · 22/04/2021 08:30

I think a commitment ceremony sounds great! Do that .

If anyone refers to you as girlfriend and boyfriend, correct them and say partner or "life partner" as you said earlier. Some people might find that silly, but who cares about those people?

Unless you're religious or are both wanting the tax breaks or financial protections which come with marriage, I think getting married would be really not a good idea.

SunnySpills · 22/04/2021 08:32

@daisyjgrey

Meh, it's got bugger all to do with anyone else. Do the frock and party and have a hand tying ceremony or similar and call him your husband and have a snazzy honeymoon (when we can finally escape the country) and do what you bloody like.

It's your relationship and you'd be paying for it and that's pretty much the end of it.

This^ There's myriad ways of partnering up nowadays and your way is just another one. Do what makes you happy.

Dogoodfeelgood · 22/04/2021 08:34

Why don’t you just have a lovely “commitment ceremony” - can have the nice dress, say your vows, exchange commitment rings and have the party etc but sort of a dialled down one (probably bridesmaids not appropriate) but still flowers and music etc! I think that’s a lovely idea.

Erkrie · 22/04/2021 08:34

Seems like playing at being married. Can't see the point really. A marriage is a commitment. This doesn't sound like a commitment. Up to you though.

Winederlust · 22/04/2021 08:35

However, would you be more upset by this lie than any other? All lies are shit to be on the receiving end of, but it wouldn't effect anyone except us (unless there's a way it would that I haven't thought of)?

But why lie at all? I'm pretty sure if you explained it to your friends and family they'd understand (and even if not fully understand would still support you).

I'm not against the idea in itself (although I think your reasoning is a bit ), I just think it's a very bad idea to lie to people about it.

Wanderlust20 · 22/04/2021 08:35

Oh I love this, do it! There's another similar thread going on about doing the legal bit separately and the amount of people getting their knickers in a twist is tremendous! Never have I encountered this in real life but where I live, everyone is very laid back

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 19 20