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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only get socially married?

494 replies

Enormousnamechange · 22/04/2021 07:41

Hi all

So here's the thing - DP is ambivalent about getting married (he'd do it for me but equally if we never married he'd be just as happy), and I have come to realise that all the things I want from marriage come from the social side rather than the legal side if that makes sense. I'd keep my own name regardless, and can't have kids so we won't be having any of our own, and financially I'm in a much stronger position and will likely be for the rest of my life for one reason or another. From what I know so far, getting married would if anything being a bad idea for me.

But I'd feel so sad never being someone's wife, and to grow old watching my friends get married. Never getting to do the dress and have the party. Never being able to introduce this lovely man to people as my husband. Having everyone wonder why we never got married and if we were really committed. You get the idea. But these doesn't seem like good enough reasons!

I have wondered about doing everything except the legal bit, and as no one would think they were entitled to know my legal/financial situation in any other circumstance they wouldn't need to know here either. We would live our lives after the non-legally binding ceremony exactly like any other married couple. I suppose it could 'come out' if we were to split but not need to go through a divorce.

The thing is I've never ever heard anyone else even think about doing this? It seems to totally solve my problem but I also don't know how people would feel - would they feel betrayed and lied to? But equally I feel that the particular ways in which DP and I are legally bound to each other are not other people's concern. DP's views on this are that he's bought in whatever I'd like to do and he quite likes the idea of being socially not legally married.

But what do you think? Have I lost the plot? Would you be upset/annoyed/amused if you found out you'd been to a wedding of two people who weren't legally married?

YABU - No sham weddings please
YANBU - Seems harmless enough

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 22/04/2021 17:22

@Bluntness100 What about the parts of this thread where she says she doesn't want to come out of any split up worse off?
That she earns more and always will.
That he has large debts and all his earnings now are paying those off.
That he is unable to support himself without her income.

(And a lack of info here on their current housing arrangements and finances.)

I think she is terrified he will continue to mismanage his money and she would be stung if they married and then divorced.

For me it shows she has doubts about him as a life partner.

He hasn't said he won't get married. She used the word 'ambivalent' and said if she wanted to, he'd go along with it.

From what I am reading, anyway, unless I'm confused.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/04/2021 17:25

and you are young and have only been together 4 years. Just forget about everything for decade and then think about what you want to do

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 22/04/2021 17:26

I didn't think about any of the legal and financial reasons when i got married. I thought about the fact that i was madly in love, wanted this man to be husband, wanted to live with him and have his babies and wanted everyone i love to celebrate this with me. The legal stuff was a bonus. We had an absolutely amazing day and next year we will celebrate our silver wedding. Not once have i regretted it.
Get married and have a wedding!

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2021 17:28

Takingonthejellybelly
I think a celebration event is a good idea, or a commitment ceremony, or a happily unmarried couple choosing to love their lives content with each other because that's their choice.

Marriage and weddings aren't the be all and end all.

What I think is a bit weird is wanting a proposal that has to be a surprise, going dress shopping, planning an event that looks and sounds like a wedding in all but name, wanting people to confer a status on your relationship comparable to marriage (when if we're honest most people don't have strong feelings about whether their friends are happily married or happily cohabiting with a partner), wanting the vows to prove to everyone that you're serious about each other, and whilst all this is going on very clearly being concerned about my money, my assets, why I don't want DP to have any access to them if we split up. It looks and feels very superficial to me.

Jamestheleast · 22/04/2021 17:31

For us it was the commitment to each other.
The ceremony in front of family and friends was the seal of that commitment.
At the time the religion was not important to me although it was for my wife.
Those old words about 'richer or poorer' 'Sickness or health' have a universal value IMO. Concise and accurate.

[ DW collected me from hospital yesterday]

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 22/04/2021 17:32

Didn't see the money bit before i posted.
If you're not sharing the money, it is not a marriage!
All the buts you want...you get because you're committing yourself to someone for life.

bambootle · 22/04/2021 17:33

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Bluntness100 What about the parts of this thread where she says she doesn't want to come out of any split up worse off?
That she earns more and always will.
That he has large debts and all his earnings now are paying those off.
That he is unable to support himself without her income.

(And a lack of info here on their current housing arrangements and finances.)

I think she is terrified he will continue to mismanage his money and she would be stung if they married and then divorced.

For me it shows she has doubts about him as a life partner.

He hasn't said he won't get married. She used the word 'ambivalent' and said if she wanted to, he'd go along with it.

From what I am reading, anyway, unless I'm confused.[/quote]
Yes, but then why do this fake wedding thing at all? If she's got doubts bout him, just stay as they are, surely. Why come up with this idea? He is happy as they are. The reasons OP lists are really flimsy, wanting "moments", validation from friends, the wedding-type occasion, etc...

I can see why Bluntness is suggesting that maybe there's more too it in OP's mind.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/04/2021 17:45

I have no idea @bambootle :)

I only clicked on it as I thought I'd got to my ripe old age and didn't know what socially married was!!! I had an idea it was a wedding with loads of guests

If she had said 'pretend wedding' it would have made more sense.

I agree with you that her 'wants' are shallow and meaningless and sound as if it's a 10 year old writing, wanting what happens in a fairy tale (and without the hard reality of joint finances, for better or worse.)

I am also concerned about the black and white fertility situation in your 20s- as so much can be achieved these days to achieve a pregnancy (IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy, sperm donor) .

Tooshytoshine · 22/04/2021 17:48

I completely understand this.

It is important to me that I can and others refer to my partner as my wife. It wasn't just the legal reasons that people fought so hard for equal (gay) marriage - it was to have relationships respected as committed, loving and life long. This is why so many people had "sham" or not legally verified marriages to same sex partners - it's not all financial protection and safeguarding assets, it about love.

I would not be offended if you wanted a gift, a shin dig and for me to call you husband and wife but you never signed a legal document. Love is love.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 17:53

Bluntness I think you have it spot on. She can’t persuade him on a wedding so she’s going to try and persuade him on a non wedding. I think there is more sadness underlying this. I think the OP comes across as very light hearted about it but it feels like she feels she is going to miss out on something she planned on having in her life. A husband and a marriage. The non wedding wedding is a compensation to make up for the lack of a real proposal and maybe the lack of children in the future.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 17:58

I think she in her heart of hearts maybe know he’s a bad bet with the financial aspects etc and this is the last attempt to try and feel they are moving forward as a couple before she moves on. I wonder as well if she wants to demonstrate to her family and friends that is a great guy, not messing her around etc. There is more behind this than the Op is letting on.

AquaTorfana · 22/04/2021 18:07

I agree with another poster. This false marriage is because you want to show people your relationship is serious and progressing because you believe, or believe others to believe, that you're not 'serious' without calling each other husband and wife. However, you don't actually want to get serious. You know marriages end and you're not prepared to pay the cost of that marriage ending if and when it does because you're the higher earner and in a far more stable position.

You want the party but don't care about the commitment - you just want the show of commitment so people believe you're committed. It seems a waste of time and money but that's on you. Do whatever you like. Call him your husband. Call yourself his wife. It doesn't make it true.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/04/2021 18:09

@CaraherEIL

she never said that. She said he wasn't bothered either way and (check just t o be sure) if she wanted to be married, he would.

Oneliner · 22/04/2021 18:14

Do it. Great idea.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 18:22

Jinglinghellsbells You are totally right I know she said that but having read on through her posts I don’t think it rings true. All the wistful stuff about how she has imagined introducing him throughout her life as her husband. Getting ready with her mum in the white dress. Going down the aisle with her dad. It doesn’t add up it sounds like she is desperate to do it and he doesn’t want to. I think ambivalent is code for dragging his feet like a corpse and she has come up with an idea to have those things without him having to get officially married.

CaraherEIL · 22/04/2021 18:23

I could be wrong I just had a lightbulb moment while I was cooking the tea and thought I had figured it out!!

gottakeeponmovin · 22/04/2021 18:38

If you are the higher earner don't get married. End of

Whatonearth07957 · 22/04/2021 18:42

We did this. Had a holiday 'wedding', it was beautiful. Paid for a few family members to join us. Haven't done legal side yet years later. Do that!

Dishwashersaurous · 22/04/2021 18:42

The things that you say you want eg special moment with your dad don't make any sense without the marriage bit.

The whole reason why there is so much investment emotionally in weddings is because it is a demonstration of a leap of faith and a commitment to each other.

Carrotcakefiend · 22/04/2021 18:52

For what it's worth OP, I think go for it if it's what you both want. You do you. Plenty of people do these kinds of things. For example, anyone who has a hand fastening separately decides whether to be legally married. People saying it's a fake marriage because you're 'lying' have missed the point. Whether or not you tell people or lie to them is up to you... But again separate. Do what makes you happy

Whitegrapewine · 22/04/2021 18:52

@SunshineCake I'm no expert but if he hasn't made a will in her favour she'll have none of his assets, I think? May have to pay IHT on her own home?

therocinante · 22/04/2021 18:53

I think you've had a weird response here, OP!

Nothing wrong with it from my point of view. I know couples of 40 years who refer to each other as husband and wife and never got legally married - what's the difference in also throwing a party? Also, lol at someone on the first page with "It's FRAUD"... is it!? Who are you defrauding, good upstanding Christian citizens who might be fooled into thinking you're joined in holy matrimony in the eyes of the law and not living in sin?

I would be perfectly happy to go to a 'commitment ceremony' which looked identical to go to a wedding, AND I'd still want to buy you a present.

LemonRoses · 22/04/2021 18:57

If you want a party have one. Invite lots of people but not sure what you’d be celebrating.
That is not a marriage.

1Micem0use · 22/04/2021 19:01

Have a commitment ceremony, or a hand fasting ceremony.

partyatthepalace · 22/04/2021 19:02

@rosemary35

For what it’s worth, I think wanting to be someone’s wife, and wanting to call the man you love your husband, are good enough reasons to get married

This

If you are worried about loosing assets to him, see a solicitor to see how the divvy up would go. But if you want to be married to him then no amount of lying about it or convincing yourself you are better not married because who knows maybe you'll get divorced in 2037 is going to make you happy. Lots of men aren't bovvered about getting married - I'd just tell him it's happening and tell him he can pick the month and the menu

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