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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

In the evening

OP posts:
StayingHere · 22/04/2021 05:14

We did. For slightly different reasons but got married in a registry office a few months before, than had a gorgeous ceremony with a humanist celebrant. Was all lovely. Been to quite a few like this in recent times.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 22/04/2021 05:23

Isn't part of booking and choosing a date to get married ensuring that everything important is available? A registrar is a pretty important part of the wedding. Why don't you just change your date so all elements line up?

MindyStClaire · 22/04/2021 05:25

We did, and so did a friend for similar reasons. It was fine, we kept the legal bit as short and simple as possible and just had our parents there.

Silverfly · 22/04/2021 05:25

Yes, I know people who have done this. I can't see a problem.

polkadotclip · 22/04/2021 05:57

Go for it! It's very normal. Loads of people get married before the 'wedding' they invite people to and then have a fake ceremony later.
No nerves, just enjoy the day.

Check your celebrant out thoroughly though-- some of the people who will do this are really showbiz and cringe! Especially if you want to keep quiet that you are already married.

Also agree in advance when your wedding anniversary will be -- the date you actually got married and that is on your Certificate or the day of your party. Avoid the row for years ...

Motherchicken · 22/04/2021 05:59

I wish I had done this. 1. It saves money. 2. You can have the ceremony you want. We would have liked a prayer to have been read. We aren’t very religious so didn’t want a church wedding but would have liked a small prayer or hymn.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 06:03

I would not be happy to find out I'd attended a sham ceremony.

If you do this, be honest with your guests. To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important. If that's already been done they may not want to exert themselves to attend a re-do.

FirewomanSam · 22/04/2021 06:04

I think this is fine and very normal but this is Mumsnet so you will soon get people saying it’s outrageous to trick guests into coming to a fake wedding.

I say go for it though, it means you’ll be able to have a really personal ceremony on the big day.

FirewomanSam · 22/04/2021 06:04

Cross post Grin

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 06:11

It's common courtesy to be truthful.

If people are being invited to a vow renewal and party, tell them so.

amoobaa · 22/04/2021 06:11

We want a humanist celebrant and they are not yet able to legally marry you (they can in Scotland but not yet in England) so we have got married already at the town hall (small ceremony with two witnesses and our baby) and in a few moths (fingers crossed for no lockdown!) we will be having our big wedding day with friends and family... and a humanist celebrant will facilitate the ceremony part. Loads of people do this, it’s not uncommon. Especially now during covid restrictions. Originally we planned to do the legal signing a week or two before the wedding but covid messed up the timing of everything.
Hope you have an amazing day no matter what you choose :)

Thinnerlikeachickendinner · 22/04/2021 06:17

In both france and ireland I believe you have to do this? Ie small legal process before the actual thing. I doubt people then think the wedding mass is fake? And also know people who have done same in US.

Rockbird · 22/04/2021 06:25

Sham wedding Grin

Of course it's fine.

AuntieStella · 22/04/2021 06:25

I'd have no problem with this idea.

Separate legal ceremony is pretty normal. Utterly standard in sine European countries where religious weddings are not sufficient in law,
Just don't let it grow, so it seems as if you had two weddings.

And I agree that you shouid be open about their being the two step approach. Because then if anyone doesn't want to attend the wedding (because it's 'only' a blessing) they needn't.

MiddleParking · 22/04/2021 06:35

There’s absolutely no need for anyone to specifically want to attend the ‘legal union’ unless they are already married to one of you and they want to out you as a bigamist at the altar like Peter Barlow. The vast majority of the people consider the ceremony/vows/celebration to be the ‘real wedding’. With that being said, have you confirmed that the town hall is actually available the week before? I had to phone up at opening time on the dot the day they released the registrar slots for my wedding date (a year in advance) and they still only had one slot left in the thirty seconds the phone was ringing. I’d have changed the date if they weren’t available, mainly because I couldn’t be doing with paying the reasonably expensive registrar fee and then also paying for a celebrant which I think can be another good whack.

Rmka · 22/04/2021 06:38

We did it and it was great. We consider the second ceremony the main event and celebrate our anniversary then, but I'm happy we had 2 special days.
We had the first ceremony out of necessity but decided to embrace it. I got a special inexpensive understated dress. We had only 2 of our best friends with us. I felt so relaxed. Highly recommended.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 06:43

@MiddleParking

There’s absolutely no need for anyone to specifically want to attend the ‘legal union’ unless they are already married to one of you and they want to out you as a bigamist at the altar like Peter Barlow. The vast majority of the people consider the ceremony/vows/celebration to be the ‘real wedding’. With that being said, have you confirmed that the town hall is actually available the week before? I had to phone up at opening time on the dot the day they released the registrar slots for my wedding date (a year in advance) and they still only had one slot left in the thirty seconds the phone was ringing. I’d have changed the date if they weren’t available, mainly because I couldn’t be doing with paying the reasonably expensive registrar fee and then also paying for a celebrant which I think can be another good whack.

Whether there's a "need" or not is up to each individual guest. People have a right to know what they're there for.

If the couple lies and the lie gets out later, and it will, there will be umbrage.

Do as you wish but be honest about it.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/04/2021 06:52

In both france and ireland I believe you have to do this?

Absolutely not the case in Ireland!

Marvelina · 22/04/2021 06:54

Is that you Meghan? Grin

Hermie12 · 22/04/2021 06:55

It’s perfectly fine. For different reasons but we were legally married the day before and then married by a wonderful celebrant on what we consider our wedding day surrounded by friends and family

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 06:56

@Hermie12 did you let your guests know? I really don’t want to upset anyone

OP posts:
WisteriaWisdom · 22/04/2021 06:58

Hi OP,

I'm a celebrant so happy to talk you through that if you like. You have lots of options, so no need to panic ❤️

A wedding celebration ceremony (following your 'legal' registration ceremony with a registrar), would be one option for you and your partner and guests. You can then have a really beautiful, unique ceremony that is tailored personally just for you...which is often why couples choose to have a celebrant led ceremony initially.

If you look on the AOIC website you will find lots of licensed celebrants and links to their websites, where many of them will have posted photographs and videos of ceremonies they have conducted. This will give you an idea of what we do.

I hope you find a way to sort out your problem and have the wedding that you have dreamt of. Good luck to you, and congratulations🥰

MindyStClaire · 22/04/2021 06:59

You won't upset anyone OP, it's just one of those Mumsnet things. I honestly can't remember if we told people now. I think maybe, but just in an organic way, not as a big announcement or anything.

WisteriaWisdom · 22/04/2021 07:00

Oh...and definitely let your guests know. A celebrant won't lie.