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Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 22/04/2021 07:00

I’ve only ever encountered this attitude on Mumsnet, in real life most people are delighted to come to a wedding whatever form it takes!

fourandnomore · 22/04/2021 07:01

We had a humanist wedding by choice as we got married on a beach and it was really special as you write the whole service with them. Choose your celebrant based on a rapport. We did have a legal ceremony afterwards at our reception venue with our mums only as humanist ceremonies weren’t legally binding in England at the time and it was really lovely and intimate actually. Humanist ceremonies are legally binding in some countries now so worth checking that too - in Scotland they have been for a long time for instance.

AuntieStella · 22/04/2021 07:01

You don't need to tell people as such. Just talk about your plans 'Oh, the humanist ceremony is really important to us, so we'll need to get the legal bit done separately'

What you don't want is to accidentally turn the legal bit into a second wedding (just have parents as witnesses perhaps, and no-one else?), or worse still into the more meaningful event

ConkerBonkers · 22/04/2021 07:01

Hello Meghan circa 2018 :)

KindleRemote · 22/04/2021 07:03

The real wedding is where alcohol is served. No one in real life cares about the legal ceremony apart from the people getting married. Probably a good idea not having an evening wedding because MN doesn't like evening dos (the best bit) either.

PurBal · 22/04/2021 07:05

I think this sounds like a sensible thing to do. Definitely let people know though. Some people will know anyway, it's fairly obvious when a ceremony is legally binding and when it isn't. That said, marriage registration laws change on 4 May, so it's a great opportunity to fake it if you wanted to.

StayingHere · 22/04/2021 07:05

@PerveenMistry

I would not be happy to find out I'd attended a sham ceremony.

If you do this, be honest with your guests. To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important. If that's already been done they may not want to exert themselves to attend a re-do.

sham, lol. I would imagine the people who would be most interested in the legal bit (parents, siblings) can go along to that too. Everyone else just loves celebrating with you and having a good old party.
WisteriaWisdom · 22/04/2021 07:06

To be clear...there is a difference between a Humanist ceremony and a Celebrant led ceremony. They are two different things. A humanist ceremony is entirely secular with no religious content. A Celebrant is a 'civil' ceremony and is happy to include or weave aspects of a couples faith into their ceremony if they wish it...or not 🤷‍♀️

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:07

@FirewomanSam

I’ve only ever encountered this attitude on Mumsnet, in real life most people are delighted to come to a wedding whatever form it takes!
A wedding, yes.

Not a re-enactment, blessing, renewal, whatever, performed by people who already ARE married.

Just be honest with your guests.

MaggieFS · 22/04/2021 07:08

Of course it's fine, but if you have any respect for your friends and family, of course you should let them know in advance. It can be as simple as the wording on invitations e.g inviting people to a 'celebration of your wedding' rather than your wedding.

I went to a wedding like this a couple of years ago and it was a beautiful and special day. It felt like a wedding and we always look back on it and talk of it as x & y's wedding.

The mind boggles as to how you booked a wedding without a registrar though?

WorriedMutha · 22/04/2021 07:09

I know someone who booked a register office in advance of their church wedding as sadly one of their parents had a terminal diagnosis and wouldn't live until the wedding date. It enabled them to celebrate the marriage with the dying parent. The wedding then went ahead as planned. Obviously everyone knew and understood the reasoning.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/04/2021 07:10

I’d explain in advance. I went to a wedding of a uni friend of DH’s. It was outside in a tent and I said to DH as we sat down this isn’t legal (not sure if rules have changed now in England this is over 10 years ago) Sure enough ceremony starts and celebrant says x and y got married yesterday but they consider this to be their wedding day and there was a real wtf reaction from everyone there and a really odd mood. I vividly remember it years later it stands out because of this. If you do it make it clear in advance it’s a celebration of your marriage.

CuriousSeal · 22/04/2021 07:10

I would want to know that you were already officially married as a guest and that I was witnessing a renewal, but otherwise I think it's absolutely fine.

Morgan12 · 22/04/2021 07:10

Why even have a fake ceremony though? Why not just a party? People aren't actually going to your wedding, you will already be married.

ChilliMum · 22/04/2021 07:12

A friend of mine did this albeit for different reasons but it didn't take anything away from the celebration, there was still a beautiful ceremony and speeches on the wedding day.

To this day it is one of the best weddings I have ever attended and I often wonder if that is because with the official bit out of the way there was very little stress and officiating.

Go for it, you get the best of both worlds; an intimate private ceremony and a celebration with all the people who love you.

user1493413286 · 22/04/2021 07:13

I would be open about it with people but I think it’s just a bit grumpy if people are bothered by it and especially in covid times when things are quite difficult.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:14

@Morgan12

Why even have a fake ceremony though? Why not just a party? People aren't actually going to your wedding, you will already be married.

Exactly.

Just be upfront that you're getting married on Wednesday and will party on Saturday. Don't try to palm it off as the real thing.

LemonRoses · 22/04/2021 07:14

Our son is having a civil ceremony in U.K. before his real wedding in France. They aren’t highlighting the earlier event and aren’t making it anything but a piece of paper.
For them, the wedding before friends and family with a religious minister conducting the service is the real wedding.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 22/04/2021 07:16

I’m guessing perv doesn’t get invited to many weddings with an attitude like that.

In reality no one will be any of the wiser given the vast differences in legal weddings anyway op and if any of your guests look down on you as much as this well... are they that good of a friend?

Chocoqueen · 22/04/2021 07:16

My sibling did, made it cheaper and they view their wedding day as their proper wedding with the registry office bit as sorting the legal side. I know a few people knew ahead of time, but not everyone. No one cared when they found out.

The only slight concern was raised by a family friend who used to be a registrar. He didn't know the legal side had already been sorted and came up to me after the ceremony concerned about where they'd found the celebrant as 'some important bits were missing'. It was OK though when I explained the situation.

If it's what you want to do then go for it - as a guest I'm there to celebrate your union and marriage however you decide to do it!

schnubbins · 22/04/2021 07:17

That is normal procedure here in Germany. Couples have to be married legally at the Standesamt or Registry Office and the wedding ceremony at a church or otherwise follows soon after or whenever planned by the couple. We got legally married in May because of complicated paperwork on my part but had our Church ceremony in July.

Bubbles1st · 22/04/2021 07:19

Invite people to join you celebrate your marriage rather than your wedding. Not a lie

MsHedgehog · 22/04/2021 07:20

It’s completely fine! Unfortunately due to COVID wedding planning is all up in the air for the next couple of years so go for it!

And ignore those who call it a sham or criticise you for not ensuring the registrar was booked...Mumsnet is their opportunity to feel superior and judgmental! Your wedding, your choice! In fact, it’s very normal to have the legal ceremony on a different day and a blessing on the actual day!

As a side note, the availability of the registrar was an issue I had when planning my original (ie before Covid forced us to cancel) wedding. The timings they had were either first thing in the morning or the evening. I emailed the registry office essentially pleading them for help as I couldn’t change the date of my wedding and they ended up arranging for a registrar from another office in the district to do our wedding. Worth asking if they can do the same?

Hermie12 · 22/04/2021 07:20

@FizzyFranticMe We didn’t hide the fact but equally didn’t make a point of telling every single person invited to the big day. We had zero issues and many people travelled from overseas. The vows we made were personal and meaningful and so many people said how much they enjoyed the ceremony. The flexibility of a celebrant led ceremony meant it felt far more special and inclusive of all our guests as it was less formal and they were more involved. We had immediate family and best friends only at the registry office, who we gave the choice to attend if they wanted.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:21

@Dixiechickonhols

I’d explain in advance. I went to a wedding of a uni friend of DH’s. It was outside in a tent and I said to DH as we sat down this isn’t legal (not sure if rules have changed now in England this is over 10 years ago) Sure enough ceremony starts and celebrant says x and y got married yesterday but they consider this to be their wedding day and there was a real wtf reaction from everyone there and a really odd mood. I vividly remember it years later it stands out because of this. If you do it make it clear in advance it’s a celebration of your marriage.

I'm in the US. A few years ago my sister's step son and his fiancée insisted on a very expensive destination wedding in Colorado. The villas that guests were forced to rent at this hotel all had one-week minimums so it sucked up most guests annual travel budget and vacation leave.

My brother in law contributed $20k for the elaborate series of parties and dinners culminating in the wedding day on which guests were ordered to wear only "earth tones" for the photos. The gift registry was for $400 bed linens and the like.

Turns out the couple had already gotten married months before. To this day their relationship with their siblings, friends and parents is damaged. People felt hoodwinked, duped and used.