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Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
Strawbfields · 22/04/2021 16:21

Hey OP,

I have a little story about this situation.

My DP and I live in Scotland and last year attended the wedding of a cousin in Kent. We flew down and stayed in a B&B for 3 nights and obviously spent lots of money in the process. After the wedding and the day we were flying home, the newly married couple after a few drinks proceeded to share with us that they had actually already gotten married the previous year while on holiday in Europe and they just wanted to have a big party with friends and family. I personally wasn't fussed, I enjoyed the weekend but my DP was furious after having to jump through hoops to get the time off at work for what we believed to be a wedding.

Also, I think this is very common for Brits who choose to marry in Spain. I believe you can only legally marry in Spain if you are a Spanish citizen and so any British couple who "marries" there would have actually had a registry office ceremony in the UK before or after the Spanish blessing.

It wouldn't be me doing this I must say but equally I wouldn't judge anyone who did, I'd just ask that they were honest and upfront about it.

WisteriaWisdom · 22/04/2021 17:43

@Shusername

I did this and I know tons of people who’ve done it. Mostly to be able to get married outside, or (in my case) because I wanted a secular ceremony but with the option to weave in religious elements that would have meant something to family members who have faith. Had a lovely, tiny, legal thing with immediate family and two witnesses on the Friday, stripped down to as little as legally possible. On the Saturday we had a gorgeous ceremony where we made vows in front of everyone we loved (and had a cracking party). It was outside and we had space in the ceremony for prayer, for those who wanted to, which we wouldn’t have been able to do in a registry office. Not sure how that’s a sham - I think people come to see you make vows to each other in the presence of others, not to see you sign a bit of paper. Lots of people commented how lovely and personal the ceremony was and no one has complained of feeling conned!

Beautiful ❤️ This is why I love my job so much...creating wonderful ceremonies that are unique to the couple is always a joy. Yours sounds wonderful 🥰

notanothertakeaway · 22/04/2021 18:09

Having a small, legal marriage and a big celebration party is fine, but it's important to be honest about it. I would enjoy a party, but it's not 'the real marriage', so i might be less inclined to come if eg the date wasn't convenient

HotChoc10 · 22/04/2021 18:54

God there's some misers here. I'd just be happy to be invited! If you're really worried just put an order of service with the invites that says 2pm: Humanist Ceremony, 2.30pm canapes or whatever.

EggysMom · 22/04/2021 18:58

I'm curious to know how somebody books their wedding and organises everything without actually checking that a Registrar is available ...

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 18:59

@EggysMom

I'm curious to know how somebody books their wedding and organises everything without actually checking that a Registrar is available ...
Same. When we got married we reserved the venue and had 48 hours to check a registrar was available before needing to pay deposit etc.
Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 19:07

Our registrars weren’t taking bookings because of covid Confused

OP posts:
TomPinch · 22/04/2021 19:08

@Worldgonecrazy

I was a handfasting celebrant for many years and having a separate legal ceremony with the couple and minimal witnesses was usual because hand fastings were not recognised as legal at that time. It is a way of avoiding the restrictions associated with a legal wedding, you can say what you want, share mead , have the music you want, and have a much more personal ceremony that anything I’ve ever witnessed at a standard civil wedding.

I hope you have a truly wonderful celebration

Are they legal now? What country are you in?
CorianderBee · 22/04/2021 19:55

@PerveenMistry

I would not be happy to find out I'd attended a sham ceremony.

If you do this, be honest with your guests. To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important. If that's already been done they may not want to exert themselves to attend a re-do.

A sham wedding is a fake wedding... where people pretend to be married but aren't, not having the party a few days after signing.

And anyway, how would you ever know?

2Rebecca · 22/04/2021 21:55

We had friends who did this. They got married quietly in a reg office telling hardly anyone and then sent round invites for a post wedding party at a time and venue that suited them. Everyone had a party, they still got married, it was fine

Chloemol · 22/04/2021 22:07

If you do this you need to be honest with your guests. I wouldn’t expect to turn up to a wedding to find the couple got married a week before

Why can’t you have an evening wedding? It would be a bit different

sbhydrogen · 22/04/2021 22:17

As a guest, I really wouldn't mind at all. Have a great wedding day (or is it a "wedding day"?).

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 00:52

@notanothertakeaway

Having a small, legal marriage and a big celebration party is fine, but it's important to be honest about it. I would enjoy a party, but it's not 'the real marriage', so i might be less inclined to come if eg the date wasn't convenient
Same here.

People are free to separate the legal event and the party.

But you owe guests to tell them they are being invited to a re-enactment and that you will already be a legally married couple when the party takes place.

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 00:56

@Strawbfields

Hey OP,

I have a little story about this situation.

My DP and I live in Scotland and last year attended the wedding of a cousin in Kent. We flew down and stayed in a B&B for 3 nights and obviously spent lots of money in the process. After the wedding and the day we were flying home, the newly married couple after a few drinks proceeded to share with us that they had actually already gotten married the previous year while on holiday in Europe and they just wanted to have a big party with friends and family. I personally wasn't fussed, I enjoyed the weekend but my DP was furious after having to jump through hoops to get the time off at work for what we believed to be a wedding.

Also, I think this is very common for Brits who choose to marry in Spain. I believe you can only legally marry in Spain if you are a Spanish citizen and so any British couple who "marries" there would have actually had a registry office ceremony in the UK before or after the Spanish blessing.

It wouldn't be me doing this I must say but equally I wouldn't judge anyone who did, I'd just ask that they were honest and upfront about it.

Exactly.

Duping your supposed friends to keep the audience numbers (and gift haul) up is obnoxious. Be truthful and let people decide for themselves if it's worth the time, travel and expense.

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 00:57

@Nataliafalka

We did this. We had the legal thing the week before our wedding. It's not possible to have a legally binding religious wedding so we had no choice. It absolutely wasn't our wedding, our wedding was the religious one where we had the wedding we wanted and which meant something to us, the legal one was irrelevant.

Did you inform your guests or let them believe they were witnessing your actual legal wedding?

MixedUpFiles · 23/04/2021 05:54

We did this. I think of it as our legal and spiritual weddings. The legal one we wore shorts and picked up a fast food on the way home because we were late to get back to work. The spiritual one we celebrate every year on our anniversary because it is the day we stood up before the people we care about the most and made our commitment to one another.

MiddleParking · 23/04/2021 07:18

@Strawbfields

Hey OP,

I have a little story about this situation.

My DP and I live in Scotland and last year attended the wedding of a cousin in Kent. We flew down and stayed in a B&B for 3 nights and obviously spent lots of money in the process. After the wedding and the day we were flying home, the newly married couple after a few drinks proceeded to share with us that they had actually already gotten married the previous year while on holiday in Europe and they just wanted to have a big party with friends and family. I personally wasn't fussed, I enjoyed the weekend but my DP was furious after having to jump through hoops to get the time off at work for what we believed to be a wedding.

Also, I think this is very common for Brits who choose to marry in Spain. I believe you can only legally marry in Spain if you are a Spanish citizen and so any British couple who "marries" there would have actually had a registry office ceremony in the UK before or after the Spanish blessing.

It wouldn't be me doing this I must say but equally I wouldn't judge anyone who did, I'd just ask that they were honest and upfront about it.

I said earlier in the thread that I didn’t think seeing the legal thing was necessary but actually reading this I think it depends on the degree of separation between the two things. I don’t think doing the legal bit in the local register office in the week leading up to what you both consider to be your actual wedding is really deceitful, but if you’ve already been married for a year and had a nice wedding on holiday then I think you do need to make it clear to your guests that what they’re going to isn’t a wedding and let them decide. People feel obliged to put themselves out for weddings in a way they don’t for other celebrations and I think what you describe is more akin to an anniversary party.
Nataliafalka · 23/04/2021 07:29

@PerveenMistry nobody was coming to our wedding expecting vows. We don’t say vows in our religion, the wedding is the religious one, we have a religious wedding certificate. The legal bit is literally signing a bit of paper. The important part, the part people come to see is the religious wedding with the religious rituals. People don’t even give a moments consideration to the signing of the register, it’s just something that is done as an aside.

Morgan12 · 23/04/2021 07:35

Seems I'm alone in thinking this is ridiculous. If I was already married I'd feel like an absolute melon putting on a big dress and playing pretend for the 'ceremony'.

The90swereadecadeago · 23/04/2021 07:53

Does this mean everything is cheaper (like the cake) because you can say it’s not for a wedding? 🤔☺️

HotChoc10 · 23/04/2021 08:06

@Morgan12

Seems I'm alone in thinking this is ridiculous. If I was already married I'd feel like an absolute melon putting on a big dress and playing pretend for the 'ceremony'.
Even in a legal wedding the ceremony is well... ceremonial. Bells and whistles to the contract signing. Don't see how it makes a difference to have them separate.
LemonRoses · 23/04/2021 08:08

@Morgan12

Seems I'm alone in thinking this is ridiculous. If I was already married I'd feel like an absolute melon putting on a big dress and playing pretend for the 'ceremony'.
But you might not if it was a legal requirement that couldn’t be met through the religious or cultural wedding that was, to you, the real wedding. If the legal registry office bit was simply ‘popping in to get the certificate’ so that the vows you make before friends family and your God were legally as well as morally binding.

I think that’s very different to pretending you’re married for a party.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/04/2021 08:11

Be truthful about it. Otherwise you're inviting people to a fake wedding.

Snapbacktonormality · 23/04/2021 08:13

To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important

I’ve never met a single one of these people. People want to see the dress, dress up themselves, see family and friends, eat nice food, drink champagne and dance.

Sleepingdogs12 · 23/04/2021 08:15

We went to a beautiful wedding then learned it wasn't the wedding. I couldn't get my head around them saying their vows again and everyone thinking it was the actual vows . It was a lovely day and it made no real difference but I would have preferred to know beforehand.