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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:22

@schnubbins

That is normal procedure here in Germany. Couples have to be married legally at the Standesamt or Registry Office and the wedding ceremony at a church or otherwise follows soon after or whenever planned by the couple. We got legally married in May because of complicated paperwork on my part but had our Church ceremony in July.

But no one is lied to, righ?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2021 07:23

Agree you need to let guests know in advance. I’d not be happy to discover I’d spent a fortune attending a wedding to find out it wasn’t an actual wedding but a show one.

If people know in advance they aren’t seeing the actual wedding vows being taken as you are already marrried they can decide if cost/effort is worth it.

Personally don’t see the point in the second one if you’ve already married and have taken the vows.

KihoBebiluPute · 22/04/2021 07:24

The "legal bit" can be as short as 2 minutes. There is no requirement to padd it out into anything longer
and there are various different forms of wording the shortest of which is shockingly short. You can have the day as planned with the public ceremony in the morning and then just during the evening reception at some point maybe after the dinner and speeches you and your DH and the 2 witnesses can just pop into a side room for a couple of minutes and do the legal bit in a minimal unfussy way with no need for any pomp and without the rest of the guests even needing to be aware that it is happening.

If it were me I would prefer that rather than having 2 different anniversaries.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:24

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

I’m guessing perv doesn’t get invited to many weddings with an attitude like that.

In reality no one will be any of the wiser given the vast differences in legal weddings anyway op and if any of your guests look down on you as much as this well... are they that good of a friend?

Hmm. Is the bride that good of a friend if she lies to people who think they are witnessing a legitimate wedding ceremony?

inappropriateraspberry · 22/04/2021 07:25

I'd do it. Then you can whoever you want to do the 'wedding.' A friend, family member or pay for a celebrity 😆

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 07:25

Nobody said anything about lying tbh

OP posts:
MotherBuckets · 22/04/2021 07:26

Could you book the registrar for after your wedding rather than before? That way you're making vows etc for the first time in front of your guests and just tying up loose ends when you have the legal ceremony?

We did it that way and it was ace. We originally wanted only us and two witnesses at the register office but my mum kicked off a bit so we ended up with about 12 guests, just a quick ceremony then to the pub for a pint. Having it that way just reinforced that the register office bit was no big deal.

MsHedgehog · 22/04/2021 07:27

It seems people don’t know that many types of wedding ceremonies in England are not legally binding so couples often have to do the legal bit separately, namely humanist weddings and weddings for a number of religions. It is therefore surprisingly common for couples to get legally married beforehand and have the ceremony that matters to them on the actual day.

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 07:32

@KihoBebiluPute I like this idea

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 22/04/2021 07:34

To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important.
Is it fuck.

Medianoche · 22/04/2021 07:35

We had two weddings for legal reasons, 1000 miles and a month apart. The first had just two witnesses and was the legally binding one. No dress, no flowers, no music, a cup of tea in a cafe after.
The main event had both families and friends and was a fairly typical white wedding with meal and party etc. No one was shortchanged or cheated by missing out on the paperwork.

chittychittybang · 22/04/2021 07:37

*I would not be happy to find out I'd attended a sham ceremony.

If you do this, be honest with your guests. To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important. If that's already been done they may not want to exert themselves to attend a re-do*

Seriously?

Newkitchen123 · 22/04/2021 07:42

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

To many people, witnessing the actual legal union is important. Is it fuck.
It may not be to you, it isn't really to me, but it will be to some people. It would have been important to my family.
MaggieFS · 22/04/2021 07:46

@FizzyFranticMe

Nobody said anything about lying tbh
No, you didn't, and I was going to point this out to the pp who first mentioned it, but then you'd already come back with further comments and not said that you weren't going to lie. It's unclear what you plan in this respect so I guess posters are unsure and giving opinions anyway!
sunflowertulip · 22/04/2021 07:46

I've been to a few like this and they've been lovey, however witnessing the legal part is really special so I do still feel let down by the couple whose wedding we went to abroad to find out later they were already married.

I like the idea of it just saying something like 'celebration of our marriage' on the invitations.

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 07:47

Absolutely fine. People do this if they want a ceremony in their back garden etc. I would let people know though, presumably you are close to the people you are inviting. You can always explain covid has made it tricky to plan. I would change how you refer to it though as a lot of people will see your legal wedding as your real/proper wedding.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 07:48

@Medianoche

We had two weddings for legal reasons, 1000 miles and a month apart. The first had just two witnesses and was the legally binding one. No dress, no flowers, no music, a cup of tea in a cafe after. The main event had both families and friends and was a fairly typical white wedding with meal and party etc. No one was shortchanged or cheated by missing out on the paperwork.

But did they know or were they duped?

People can put on whatever sort of pageant or play or party they wish. Just be honest with guests about what exactly they are being asked to attend.

Sciurus83 · 22/04/2021 07:53

Look OP there are a core group of entitled weirdos on Mumsnet who for some reason think that the very normal thing of having to get the legal bit done separately for whatever reason is a personal affront to them and they wouldn't possible lower themselves to coming to the actual event you have planned to celebrate with your guests. No one is like this in real life, or if they are hopefully they at least have the decency not to say it. Anyone who considers this a reason to fracture relationships is really not worth having in your life. You get on, this is totally normal.

SpiceRat · 22/04/2021 07:53

Could you book the registrar for after your wedding rather than before?
When myself and DP went to give notice we were asked if we had any form of previous wedding ceremony even if not legal as it complicates things. I can’t remember how she worded it now but I would look into this a bit more op as she did make it sound an issue if we had.

We’ve booked a celebrant as we wanted the ceremony outdoors which isn’t possibly legally in this country. The legal wedding involves us going to the office in casual clothes saying the bare minimum, not exchanging rings and getting our legal document. I don’t feel we have duped guests into attending our “sham” marriage because we’re inviting them to our wedding ceremony and that’s exactly what they’ll be seeing. The wedding ceremony how WE wanted it, OUR wedding important to us, minus the signing of a legal document which is the boring bit of every single wedding ever. We want our guests to celebrate with us how WE want to celebrate (which is the main point of a wedding the couple not the snotty guests!). If guests stated their unhappiness with this I would make it very clear that the day was our wedding day and the and if they felt put then they could leave. Simple as.

Boxachocs · 22/04/2021 07:57

We had a humanist ceremony outside so did the legal part the day before. We didn’t tell our guests, we weren’t even going to tell our parents but thought they might twig that we didn’t sign a register so told them about a week before. We didn’t let them come to the legal bit as we deliberately wanted it to be a non event - we viewed it a bit like getting the marriage licence.

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 22/04/2021 07:57

People can put on whatever sort of pageant or play or party they wish.
It’s one thing not to agree with something but to belittle it in this way with your patronising and deliberately hurtful words is absolutely disgusting and something a child does.

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 07:58

I think this thread shows that to some people it is important to know that the legal marriage has taken place already. You might not know who they are so best not to upset anyone and just be upfront. Lots of people get married in a register office as their "real wedding" so you don't want to upset them by implying theirs wasn't real.

You have the wedding you want :) people from two cultures sometimes have two weddings or if there's a destination wedding or in someone's garden. You do you.

BuckysArm · 22/04/2021 08:01

It’s fine OP. In the past decade I’ve only been to two weddings where the ceremony was legal (and one was mine). Everyone else I know was legally married before or after their wedding day.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 22/04/2021 08:04

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Agree you need to let guests know in advance. I’d not be happy to discover I’d spent a fortune attending a wedding to find out it wasn’t an actual wedding but a show one.

If people know in advance they aren’t seeing the actual wedding vows being taken as you are already marrried they can decide if cost/effort is worth it.

Personally don’t see the point in the second one if you’ve already married and have taken the vows.

This is not a view reflected by anyone I know, and if it was frankly I wouldn't invite them anyway.

Most people are just happy that you're happy.
If they're not they don't deserve to be there.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/04/2021 08:06

How would people know or care? Honestly!