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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
mermaidsariel · 22/04/2021 09:07

My niece did this. They had a registry office wedding and then a second ceremony abroad with lots of friends. I think all the friends knew.

Rmka · 22/04/2021 09:08

So many judgemental comments here. Weddings are happy events but one of the most stressful ones. And weddings during pandemic even more so, I imagine. People has been postponing their plans multiple times and so lining up everything must be hard. And even if someone made a mistake, don't kick them when they're down. That won't solve a problem. Who here is perfect and never made a mistake?
And judging someone by when they choose to celebrate their wedding anniversary. WTF, it's their life and their anniversary.
OP, I'm sure you'll have a wonderful wedding whatever you choose to do.

Shusername · 22/04/2021 09:15

I did this and I know tons of people who’ve done it. Mostly to be able to get married outside, or (in my case) because I wanted a secular ceremony but with the option to weave in religious elements that would have meant something to family members who have faith. Had a lovely, tiny, legal thing with immediate family and two witnesses on the Friday, stripped down to as little as legally possible. On the Saturday we had a gorgeous ceremony where we made vows in front of everyone we loved (and had a cracking party). It was outside and we had space in the ceremony for prayer, for those who wanted to, which we wouldn’t have been able to do in a registry office. Not sure how that’s a sham - I think people come to see you make vows to each other in the presence of others, not to see you sign a bit of paper. Lots of people commented how lovely and personal the ceremony was and no one has complained of feeling conned!

Dee1975 · 22/04/2021 09:17

Lots of people do it. I was a registrar / celebrant a few years ago and married a few people ‘in their jeans’ who were just there ‘for the legal paperwork’ and ‘their real wedding’ was later that day / tomorrow etc ...
Although, my only advice - every couple that ‘was just their for the paperwork in their jeans’ ... suddenly realised that they were ‘actually’ getting married there and then. It was just the celebration they were holding later. And they surprised themselfs by getting quite emotional. It may not be your celebration, but it is your legal marriage. So be prepared for that ...!

Allergictoironing · 22/04/2021 09:33

My DBro did this years ago. The venue that they particularly wanted to use for their wedding wasn't licensed, so they got married a couple of days before then had the wedding at that venue. Only guests at the marriage were immediate family plus one much loved elderly aunt who was also a Godmother.

Note I've been very careful to refer to the legal part as marriage, and the celebration as wedding. They are different things - a wedding is to celebrate a marriage, and you can be married without a wedding.

murbblurb · 22/04/2021 09:43

As long as you make it clear, fine. The ceremony is the boring bit, great if people are just coming to a party.

FirewomanSam · 22/04/2021 09:57

One option could be to have the registrar come along in the available evening slot and you two literally nip off for 15 mins to sign the legal documents with them? I had a friend who did this, it was a Buddhist wedding and held outdoors so not able to act as the legally binding bit. So then while we were all having drinks between the ceremony and dinner, the bride and groom nipped into a side room and did all the legal stuff. They didn’t hide it but they didn’t make a big deal of it either, they just happened to mention to anyone who they were chatting with at the time ‘we’ve just got to nip off and do this bit’ and it made total sense.

To them the Buddhist wedding was very much the ‘real’ wedding that was important to them, and signing the papers was just a formality. It would have been very odd for any of us to get snippy about not being able to witness the latter when the part we were invited to was the truly meaningful bit.

overwork · 22/04/2021 10:06

Ah no one cares about witnessing the actual legal wedding - certainly no one in my circles. All anyone wants is to see you two looking lovely, have a fun day with you, some good food and a few drinks. It will be absolutely lovely, which ever way you choose to do it. And remember that your choices are the only ones that matter, it being your wedding. (If you have the kind of people at your wedding who seriously care about it being a 'sham' wedding, you're probably in for a miserable day anyway).

Thinnerlikeachickendinner · 22/04/2021 10:08

@EarringsandLipstick sorry, you’re right! I checked france, where you do have to even if having a wedding mass, but what I thought was the ‘registrar’ bit is just a mandatory visit to see the civil registrar.

Allthephotos · 22/04/2021 10:12

MN is always a snobby, critical, judgy demographic. So ignore the ridiculous comments about it being a sham or guests being upset....those kinda people don't realise its not all about them. And if someone is so upset about a 'sham' wedding no one is forcing them to come.
We had to cancel our wedding 4 times, it was heartbreaking. We got married in the lock down with 2 witnesses and the plan is to have the wedding and party when safe.
We've been in a pandemic so sod it!
Good luck

Shusername · 22/04/2021 10:45

@Dee1975

Lots of people do it. I was a registrar / celebrant a few years ago and married a few people ‘in their jeans’ who were just there ‘for the legal paperwork’ and ‘their real wedding’ was later that day / tomorrow etc ... Although, my only advice - every couple that ‘was just their for the paperwork in their jeans’ ... suddenly realised that they were ‘actually’ getting married there and then. It was just the celebration they were holding later. And they surprised themselfs by getting quite emotional. It may not be your celebration, but it is your legal marriage. So be prepared for that ...!
This is excellent advice. I very much did this.
Medianoche · 22/04/2021 11:18

You can also celebrate your anniversary whenever you like. No one else cares. We always think of the church wedding/party as the actual wedding, so that’s when the anniversary is. That’s the date we had engraved on our rings.
In over 20 years, I don’t think I’ve ever had to put the legal wedding date down on a form or anything.

taytay2020 · 22/04/2021 11:23

@fizzyfranticme My advice? Do whatever you want, but be honest with your guests.

As seen in the other responses to this post, different people have different opinions about the importance of being invited to the legal ceremony vs being invited to a symbolic one. Some people will care, some won't, but if you want to be above reproach then just don't lie to them. You absolutely don't have to perform the legal ceremony in front of all your reception guests if you choose not to (whether that's for a logistical reason or personal preference).

Personally I've been to enough weddings to spot when one is legal and one is not (even if not advertised beforehand), and I don't care at all which is which. But others may feel disappointed if they weren't expecting this (so just tell them in advance!). We chose to have a tiny legal ceremony, and were upfront with the other 98% of friends and family that they were only invited to 'celebrate our marriage' at the big party afterwards. (We're not even putting on a fake ceremony for their benefit, it's going to be entirely about the food, drink, music and dancing.) No one has protested, and no one has decided not to come because there's no ceremony to watch - that would have been absolutely ridiculous.

MeadowHay · 22/04/2021 11:28

For financial reasons we actually ended up getting married legally in a registry office about 9 months before our big wedding. We didn't tell anyone either except a few close relatives as we were very young and we knew people would probably have a lot to say about it. Our big wedding celebration we had a religious but not legally binding ceremony. If we hadn't have had pressing financial reasons to do it this way round we would have the tiny registry office wedding very soon after the celebration.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/04/2021 11:29

My dd did. For various reasons, reg office with just family + a very few, pub meal afterwards, followed by big ‘do’ with a celebrant 3 months later.

Both were lovely and all went fine.
If anyone thought it a bit odd, they kept very quiet about it.

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 11:36

I still really want to have my wedding and ‘ceremony’ and therefore we won’t just be doing a ‘do’ on the day we will be doing the ceremony like a normal wedding day

OP posts:
Worldgonecrazy · 22/04/2021 11:37

I was a handfasting celebrant for many years and having a separate legal ceremony with the couple and minimal witnesses was usual because hand fastings were not recognised as legal at that time. It is a way of avoiding the restrictions associated with a legal wedding, you can say what you want, share mead , have the music you want, and have a much more personal ceremony that anything I’ve ever witnessed at a standard civil wedding.

I hope you have a truly wonderful celebration

merryhouse · 22/04/2021 11:50

Meh.

I went to a wedding in 1993 which was held in the groom's old school chapel.

For reasons involving permish from the Archbish which had not been forthcoming, the couple had signed things in the register office the day before and we followed the Blessing of a Civil Marriage service.

As someone who had attended lots of church weddings (in a choir) I was in a good position to note that there were a couple of very tiny differences in what the cleric said. Everything else was exactly the same - except there wasn't a bit where they walk into the vestry to sign the register.

Not a single one of our friends considered we'd "missed out" on the wedding ceremony. Any more than we thought we'd "missed out" on any of the times people had gone into the vestry to sign the register.

FirewomanSam · 22/04/2021 12:15

The only time I’ve ever seen someone be a bit put out by this was when the couple did the legal bit months before the big bash, and they let the legal bit turn into a bit too big of an event in its own right. 30 or people (including lots of friends) celebrating in a pub afterwards, white dress, loads of fanfare all over social media. Some people who weren’t invited to that part but were invited to the big ‘do’ months later were quite upset and did feel like they’d been invited to a secondary event instead of the real thing. But I think as long as you do keep the legal event really small and have a tight guest list (e.g. immediate family only) and don’t splash ‘omg WE GOT MARRIED!’ all over social media immediately afterwards then nobody will think twice about it!

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 12:27

@Medianoche

No one was duped. And between a civil wedding and a church wedding, at least half the guests would consider a civil wedding to be the one that didn’t really count. I’m confused about the entitlement in all this. It’s like a dialled up version of the people who think it’s a social snub if you get an evening invitation. Surely even people who would normally be bothered by this would understand that there’s a huge backlog of wedding bookings at the moment, so you make it work the best way you can.

If the civil wedding doesn't count, why do it?

SpiceRat · 22/04/2021 14:18

If the legal bit is meaningless to you, why do it? Just have your speshul ceremony and don't do the part you disdain.
Where did I say it was meaningless or that i hold it in disdain? The legal certification is important in exactly that, a legal sense which I respect, but that isn’t an aspect that needs to be shared with anyone other than the man I am marrying and our witnesses. But I can see you’re just looking to impose your views rather than glean any real insight or respect others views. Also “speshul” ... PP was correct you are in fact a child.

pickingdaisies · 22/04/2021 14:22

Perfectly sensible, and I really don't know why anyone would be offended.

EileenGC · 22/04/2021 14:25

Common where I come from. Only RC ministers can marry you legally, so if you want a church ceremony but belong to a different religion, you have to do it separately.

Alsohuman · 22/04/2021 14:33

We went to a wedding where the legal stuff happened in the morning at a registry office with two witnesses and the religious ceremony was in the afternoon in a church that wasn’t registered for weddings with all the guests. It was lovely and we were definitely at the real wedding, not a “fake” one.

Nataliafalka · 22/04/2021 14:39

We did this. We had the legal thing the week before our wedding. It's not possible to have a legally binding religious wedding so we had no choice. It absolutely wasn't our wedding, our wedding was the religious one where we had the wedding we wanted and which meant something to us, the legal one was irrelevant.