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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married before my wedding

164 replies

FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 05:13

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want

OP posts:
SEE123 · 22/04/2021 08:08

Hi Op,

I would be truthful with your guests, especially if they are travelling at great expense/distance/time.

It's fair to let them decide whether to be part of a second event, that's still a celebration of your marriage, iyswim.

SheeshazAZ09 · 22/04/2021 08:11

We are doing just this, this year. Legal wedding in registry office next month with just 2 witnesses, then church ceremony later when guests can come. The church ceremony is according to DP’s family religion but is not legally binding in UK, hence we are doing legal bit separately. Originally the plan was to have the registrar at the church event to add the legal bit but we want to get married next month and due to covid restrictions on travel we can’t have foreign guests there. Hence we have divided the two ceremonies. It’s fine and everyone knows about it.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/04/2021 08:14

Sham wedding? What a load of bollocks. We did this as we did not want to be forced into a ceremony that would have meant nothing to us (indoors, prescribed wording etc.) - everyone knew we'd popped into the registry office a few days earlier - and it was literally in and out, I wore jeans and a tshirt. Our actual wedding (outdoors, by a lake, dragonflies flying around) was the most beautiful, emotional and personal ceremony as a result.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 08:16

@SpiderinaWingMirror

How would people know or care? Honestly!
People do care, as is evident by this thread. Hosts should be honest with guests.
PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 08:21

@SpiceRat

Could you book the registrar for after your wedding rather than before? When myself and DP went to give notice we were asked if we had any form of previous wedding ceremony even if not legal as it complicates things. I can’t remember how she worded it now but I would look into this a bit more op as she did make it sound an issue if we had.

We’ve booked a celebrant as we wanted the ceremony outdoors which isn’t possibly legally in this country. The legal wedding involves us going to the office in casual clothes saying the bare minimum, not exchanging rings and getting our legal document. I don’t feel we have duped guests into attending our “sham” marriage because we’re inviting them to our wedding ceremony and that’s exactly what they’ll be seeing. The wedding ceremony how WE wanted it, OUR wedding important to us, minus the signing of a legal document which is the boring bit of every single wedding ever. We want our guests to celebrate with us how WE want to celebrate (which is the main point of a wedding the couple not the snotty guests!). If guests stated their unhappiness with this I would make it very clear that the day was our wedding day and the and if they felt put then they could leave. Simple as.

If the legal bit is meaningless to you, why do it? Just have your speshul ceremony and don't do the part you disdain.

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 08:23

@Sciurus83

Look OP there are a core group of entitled weirdos on Mumsnet who for some reason think that the very normal thing of having to get the legal bit done separately for whatever reason is a personal affront to them and they wouldn't possible lower themselves to coming to the actual event you have planned to celebrate with your guests. No one is like this in real life, or if they are hopefully they at least have the decency not to say it. Anyone who considers this a reason to fracture relationships is really not worth having in your life. You get on, this is totally normal.
No one cares about the bifurcation.

It's duping one's loved ones that is reprehensible. Be honest.

GlumyGloomer · 22/04/2021 08:25

This happened at a wedding I went to. It was a family wedding, destination religious ceremony. On the day we found out that there had been a legal ceremony in our home country, with a party, and we hadn't made the guest list. We did feel a bit strung along to he honest. Everyone has different views on which bit the 'real' wedding is, but that means there are some of us who view the legally binding bit as being real and the rest being trimmings and extras. Not saying any one view is right but odds are some guests will feel that way. Either be upfront about what you're doing or conduct the registration with the absolute bare minimum of fuss.

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 08:25

It’s absolutely fine unless you later get in a huff and tell your day guests that was only for show for them and the registry office meant more, especially if said guests/family paid for your wedding. Grin

Wanderlust20 · 22/04/2021 08:25

Laughing at the fake wedding comments! I did this (as got married abroad), didn't realise my second ceremony/blessing was a sham ha ha! Comments like that are unhelpful and a lot of shite.

As someone else said, many consider the ceremony the most important/personal bit anyway, when people get to hear your love story, not the signing of some bit of paper...
There's no need to declare you've already did the legal bit but I wouldn't hide it either.

Have a great day whatever you do x

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 08:28

I’m paying for my own wedding so not “wasting” anyone else’s money, DPs family have already made it known that they’re only coming for the party Grin but we will be letting people know if this is the road we take

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 22/04/2021 08:30

@PerveenMistry you’ve made your opinion clear, why are you so obsessed with patronising and belittling those who disagree with you?

YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 08:31

Sounds good then OP. I'd keep the guest list to your actual wedding small if I were you so that people don't get offended at not being invited to that bit as you are trying to make sure guests don't see that as the bit that's important to you. just a couple of witnesses.

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 08:32

@YellowTwinklyStar I’ll only behaving my two witnesses if this is the case

OP posts:
110APiccadilly · 22/04/2021 08:39

That's absolutely fine. I know a few people who've done it. If there's anyone who really, really cares, tell them they're welcome to come to the registry office as well but not to expect anything exciting there! One of the people I know who did it did have both sets of parents at the registry office part as they wanted to be there, but no one else.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 08:39

The first thing I booked was the registrar, before my venue!

I'd just be honest, my friends did this a couple of years ago because the venue they were having their wedding at wasn't licensed for marriages so they did the legal part a few days before, just them and their best friends. It was no big deal, they didn't keep it a secret.

TimeForTeaAndG · 22/04/2021 08:39

Almost every wedding I've been to in England has been the non-legal celebration as they have done the quick registry office part a day or so beforehand. Noone has ever been bothered, it's not been a sham or fake, it's been beautiful and allows the couple to have the celebration they want, where they want it.

If England was more in line with Scotland on this it would make things less complicated. Up here it is the celebrant/registrar that is licenced to perform the ceremony so it doesn't matter if it's inside, outside, halfway up a mountain whereas England it's the building that is licensed. So you're restricted to the legal bit only being legal in that venue.

LG93 · 22/04/2021 08:42

Do what suits you op, but tell your guests. Not because I think you should have to or its unfair to 'lie', but so you don't waste money on hosting people who don't care enough about you as a couple to help you celebrate unless they get to see you sign a specific piece of paper! Gin

Congratulations and all the best for your wedding day!

GlumyGloomer · 22/04/2021 08:48

Just to add though about the wedding we went to, we didn't say anything about how we felt to the couple or even any of the other guests.

Disneypointed · 22/04/2021 08:49

We did. To be honest I was only 19 and thought we were going to the church to discuss the wedding arrangements and there we were introduced to our witnesses. We then read through the vows, exchanged rings, signed paperwork and on our way home realised we had signed our marriage certificate. I was wearing a jumper and trainers 😂
In my defence I had just moved to the states and had severe culture shock so had no idea what what was going on at any point anyway. When our families came over we didn’t tell anybody as it had cost everyone thousands for the flights.
We are still married 24 years later so no regrets.

Aprilx · 22/04/2021 08:50

@FizzyFranticMe

Panicked bride to be here! I’ve just looked at the availability of the local registrars for the date that we have our wedding booked and they’re only available in the vending. Would it be a reasonable idea to get married at the registry office a week before the wedding and then have our real wedding a week later with a celebrant instead? I really don’t want to have to change the date and an evening wedding isn’t what we really want
I find it really odd that you didn’t line up the registrar when you booked the wedding!

Your real wedding, your future anniversary date, is the date on which you got married, not the date you had a party. I would be happy to choose to go along to the party celebrating a marriage, but I would be annoyed to be deceived into thinking I was attending an actual wedding.

Fuckingcrustybread · 22/04/2021 08:53

My son and DIL did this, the wedding was abroad and they legally got married days before. Their "wedding" was in the garden of an hotel, with the bridesmaids, speeches and the walk down the aisle and a sit down meal afterwards, they had a choir as well. One of the witnesses let slip that the big hoo hah wasn't the real wedding. Son and DIL don't know that I realised I wasn't welcome at their official wedding and I'll never tell them. It still hurts now, my only child got married without me there, he didn't want me to witness or be involved in a very special and important event in his life.

Medianoche · 22/04/2021 08:54

No one was duped. And between a civil wedding and a church wedding, at least half the guests would consider a civil wedding to be the one that didn’t really count.
I’m confused about the entitlement in all this. It’s like a dialled up version of the people who think it’s a social snub if you get an evening invitation.
Surely even people who would normally be bothered by this would understand that there’s a huge backlog of wedding bookings at the moment, so you make it work the best way you can.

womaninatightspot · 22/04/2021 08:57

I always thought this was common. In many countries it's standard to have the legal bit done first and then the church/ wedding ceremony for friends and family.

It wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
FizzyFranticMe · 22/04/2021 09:04

I didn’t think there was much wrong with doing it this way especially when only certain venues are able to hold a legally binding ceremony

OP posts:
YellowTwinklyStar · 22/04/2021 09:06

Lots of people do it that way OP and you've said you are going to let people know so all good! Enjoy your day!

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