I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

CrumpetyTea, I'm so sorry you feel judged. I can't imagine how or why anybody would judge someone else for the size of their family. That is just plain unkind. Nobody should ask you either, it's rude to do so. It's the sort of thing a child would ask.

I'm sure you will come across people who have only one child, it isn't that uncommon. I know a few - and have never asked why though sometimes I have been told. I also have two cousins (one niece of my mum and one my dad's), who are only children and the son of one of them has one child born after a few years of infertility. They are all happy by the way.

I feel so ashamed that you feel judged. However I did work with a woman years ago who had a boy, one day she came to my office a bit upset and told me that another member of staff had said she was a typical career woman not having a sibling for her son. I remember her saying, "Don't people ever think I might have had difficulty just having one?". That was the first I knew about that, had never even thought about it.

You take care of yourself, you're doing great, never mind the tactless, nosy parkers.

@LimpyLarry

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

This is what's killed me. And the putting it all away after getting it out. I can't bring myself to give it away yet, it should be being worn by my DS2 but he's gone. I feel robbed.

This is what kills me too, I've kept every single thing anticipating another baby. I can't bear to part with any of it, I ache to just be pregnant, hold a newborn, breastfeed etc...

@GoldBar

It's not just the only having one child though, is it? If children were assigned at the outset, with some parents being told "you'll have one" while others were given two, three, four and so on, it would be easier to cope with. We'd all know and understand our situation, come to terms with it and make the best of it.

It's the uncertainty. The excitement at the thought of another baby. The disappointment month after month. The dawning realisation that something must be wrong and the regret of not seeking help earlier. The guilt of feeling that you may have let your DC's early years be coloured by it. The invasiveness of doctors and treatment. The uncertainty of whether to persevere in spite of the crushing expense and disappointment. Secondary infertility is about a lot more than just 'ending up' with one child.

This is so well said. Thank you.

@randomsabreuse

I'm not convinced that the reality of a sibling actually lives up to the idea... at least for the child.

Lots of jealousy, fighting, juggling/balancing commitments to activities etc. Fairness is a constant argument!

I think as children you imagine a sibling as being your best friend in your house but unless they are unrealistically close in age (conceived under a year post birth) they're mostly annoying, or stopping you doing something fun!

In what way is this helpful to the op?

@Liquoricecreamrock

Do you have a pet? Could a pet help your dc to give them a focus?

Oh that's what we're doing wrong. A pet. You are a genius. That will make up for not having another baby. We just need a goldfish

@gg12346

someone i know has no children and I also have one due to long term infertility .Now be blessed that you have 1 with no real issues .

Mother of god. Sod off.

I haven’t read the whole thread as I felt angry for you just by reading some of the ridiculous and insensitive replies on the first page....never mind Wade through 19 pages of them.

YANBU at all. Your feelings are totally valid. It’s not in similar circumstances but I’ve known that heartache of yearning for another baby and it not happening and it’s really, really shit. You have every right to feel like you do and I’m sorry life is working out like this for you.

I know nothing I say can help practically, but I think it’s so important that you know that many women on here acknowledge your pain and your feelings and that you know they are completely understandable.

Pets, rest and “being grateful you have one” are not going to make any difference to how you feel or change what’s happening to you, as you and most of us know.

Perhaps some posters on here should read about disenfranchised grief, and it may help you too OP.

Take care

Sometimes life doesnt work out the way we planned and its very hard to let go of something so important to you. My lovely sister has one daughter, I know she yearns for another but a mixture of age, difficulty conceiving and her DH not really being on board means that is likely it. I have 4.

There are plusses and minuses to having 1, 2, 3 or 4 or any number really. I think you need to focus on the positive side of what you do have. Firstly you have a child! That is amazing in itself. Secondly you get this wonderful close relationship with them, I know my sister and good friend with an only child have a very different and wonderful relationship with their child in a way that I simply can't with multiple children. Also, all the only's I've met and seen in life have been mature, interesting, good with adults etc. in a way kids often arent. Finally, they are so much more portable than even 2 kids. You can explore the world with them far more easily. Have experiences together that are more difficult with more kids.

The future is going to be excellent OP, even with just one.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying - why did you have more than one child?

You are allowed to grieve op. Some people on this thread have been absolute dicks.

Why should being grateful to have one child stop op being devastated she can't have another?

Perhaps the 'just relax' folk should go and discuss their ground-breaking theories with fertility experts, rather than a woman who has paid thousands and gone through invasive medical procedures, only to experience the pain of not conceiving?

I have not experienced the pain of infertility but Jesus Christ, I can remember how badly I wanted my children and how utterly grateful I was to conceive.

As for the siblings fight, perhaps op wanted to experience that as well? The noise, the barely controlled chaos, the whole bloody experience?

I feel so angry on your behalf op. You are allowed to feel jealous, angry and sad. And any other sodding feeling you feel.

I am not even angry at the people who have been dicks on this thread. Everything they have said on this thread I have read on similar threads over the years on mumsnet. It's always the same responses I just brush them off now, they have no affect on me!

Absolutely, greendress, but I hope some of the supportive messages have helped in some way x

What do you say when dc cries for sibling?

@Maireas

Absolutely, greendress, but I hope some of the supportive messages have helped in some way x

They have 💕

@BrownEyedGirl80

What do you say when dc cries for sibling?

It started recently so I have changed the subject but have been given good advice on this thread of what to say to him.

Now I need to find someone who will say things to me when I'm crying for another child 🥲

I think you need to focus on the positive side of what you do have.

Please stop with these comments. There is a time and a place for everything. If the OP doesn't manage to have another child (and OP, I am praying and hoping for you ), she will no doubt reach a place in her life, as many of us have, of being happy and accepting of having one child. She is not there yet. Telling her to buck up and be all jolly hockey-sticks about the exciting adventures she can have with her only, especially if you yourself have more than one child and have not made that choice, is breathtakingly insensitive. At the moment, what she wants to do is shout and cry and be bitter about the unfairness of it while knowing that some of us understand and don't judge her for it.

I would have loved more but it wasn't to be, I made the stupid mistake of looking up my first love on Facebook and was greeted with a picture of him with three daughters close in age, my heart sank. As much as I adore my dd I would have loved another one.

@lollipoprainbow

I would have loved more but it wasn't to be, I made the stupid mistake of looking up my first love on Facebook and was greeted with a picture of him with three daughters close in age, my heart sank. As much as I adore my dd I would have loved another one.

My ex FWB who adored me but I was already with my current H by the time he told me he wanted more has 4 children now so I understand!

I just wondered if it might be worth listening to your son, OP? Maybe he does have feelings and needs to talk/work through them. 'Playing it out' is great (and by the by, a willing adult is better here than another child, most of the time, because another child will interfere in the game!). Active listening/playing with him is like therapy for kids, and could be really what he is in need of.

I came here to say the same, please don't distract or change subject, please acknowledge his feelings. Appreciate that must be very hard when you're going through the same pain but if every time you brought it up someone tried to change the subject, how would that make you feel?

Studies have shown that single child families are happier on average, both child and parents, if that's any consolation. I don't know if that takes into account whether they are single child families through choice or not.

Hugs x

@greendress789 he was my first love and we were young so we wouldn't have ended up having children anyway but I was still gutted !! Three girls close in age that can play together, my dd would love that!!

@Royalbloo

I have one and she's fantastic. Are you projecting into your child? I don't mean that horribly but me and her know it's me and her and she is adamant we don't want or need anyone and we are a team- I actually think she'd be distraught if I ever had another but I'm 39 now so unlikely. She loves that it's just us x

Read the fucking thread

@Christmasfairy2020

Have you considered fostering a child his age xx

Read the fucking thread!

@Christmasfairy2020 I’m not sure fostering a child his age with likely behavioural problems due to possible years of abuse is the answer here.

OP you’ve handled this thread brilliantly. I think you’re awesome, you’ve been through so much and you’re entitled to feel how you feel as is your son. I think as some others have said it’s learning to live with what you’ve been dealt sometimes. Not easy when your grieving for the family you wanted but hopefully you’ll get there. I hope you have some good support around you.

I wanted to add one thing to my post about my experience of being where you are OP, and the book that helped me move on. I regret a lot about that time. Because I became all consumed with having another child to the point of not enjoying the time as much as I could have with DD1. I was SO jealous of people who I thought had what I wanted easily (when often they had other troubles) and angry at the unfairness that I alienated one friend in particular. I regret that hugely.

DH stepped in when the IVF experts were recommending donor eggs and said 'no more'. He actually said 'we can buy a house - for the child we do have - or more IVF, we can't have both'. He was absolutely right. At the time I was cross at him, but he was right. It was tearing me up inside, the IVF had become an obsession with the fertility experts I dealt with constantly promising the 'next solution'. I wish someone had said to me much sooner: give yourself time to grieve but try and move on from this. It's important to grieve of course and it's difficult because having monthly periods is a reminder of what isn't, as is other people having babies. But it is also possible to move on and for the pain and grief to fade to a level that is much easier to deal with and to find more happiness in what you have and less pain in not getting what you so desperately want. I did get there eventually. You won't feel this way forever OP.

I also found there was a particularly difficult period between 2 and 4 when all DD1s friends were getting siblings. It got easier as she got older and that happened less often. And as she got older she saw the advantages of being an only more clearly too (as her friends moaned about their siblings!).

I know the pain too...