I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

Just wanted to say children crying for a sibling is normal well my dds both asked constantly for another sibling even though they had each other ! There is a small gap between them and 7 years between oldest and youngest and t I was told I couldn't carry another child and then the following year I had ds not without its difficulties
There is always a light at the end of tunnel don't give up hope, I have suffered many losses and it's heartbreaking but I am really greatful for the children I have . Take care xx

OP. Cryinbg for another sibling is not unusual at all. I remember doing this when I was 3,4,5, My parents had NEVER discussed babies around me, I just desperately wanted a younger brother (already had an older sister).

OP, sorry you're in this situation. I hope in time you'll be able to come to terms with having just one lovely child .

To those saying, 'AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT ONE!', it's kind of like telling someone in pain from a chronic condition, 'Be glad you haven't got Cancer!. It doesn't make sense, OP is in pain and that pain is valid.

@greendress789 I’m touched 💗 Its about time for an update on the blog...

Really sorry OP. Your feelings are allowed and valid.

But, you can’t let them eat away at you. Have you looked into counselling to help find your peace with it?

Your DS may sometimes feel he wishes for a sibling to play with, though in reality especially with an age gap they are likely to have little in common at different ages and stages. I have 3 DCs but in all honesty if they start playing together nicely it never lasts more than 5 minutes because they always end up fighting over something. Plus often one of them seems to be left out and gets upset (usually the youngest). My wistful fantasies of the three of them playing happily together for hours definitely didn’t match up in reality.

My DSis stopped after 1 child and has always arranged lots of play dates with classmates as well as meeting up with cousins lots. Those children are more his own age with similar interests so they genuinely play well together and are good companions.

Another friend who had one child got a dog last year and said she never imagined how close her DS and the dog would become, they play lots together though supervised of course.

There have been some good posts on here in the past, it may be worth doing a search for them, such as ‘reasons to stop at one child’ or ‘benefits of only child’. It might help shift your mindset a little and make it easier to bear.

I’m not sure if you want words that suggest positivity in your situation, which I get are hard to hear but...... I have two. I would like three but we can’t afford it. If I had three I would want 4.

Having two is great, I love it, but it comes at a cost too, me and dd one aren’t as close as we were when she was one her own, I miss it and I can’t get that relationship back because I’m always torn between the two of them. We have less money, less sleep and are torn between what both kids want to do which is hardly ever the same. My Dd wanted a sibling but they hardly ever play together and bicker a lot when they do so me and dp are often doing different things with each child. It’s not all positives. At all you do loose things having two and gain things by having one.

Have you considered fostering a child his age xx

Crying for a sibling is normal (my youngest begs me for a baby) but she’s also cried wishing she didn’t have a twin! That hurt as my own twin sister died when we were younger (not entirely sure I was a top parent that day!).

Hi OP.

Sorry I haven't RTFT. I have one child for similar reasons to you. He wasn't conceived via IVF (although we were on the waiting list) but it took years and many many miscarriages before he was born. I physically and mentally cannot put myself, my husband and now my son through trying again for a sibling and so we now have one and one is all we'll have.

The only thing I can offer really is that I am an only child myself and I do not have negative memories of my childhood, in fact I have great ones. I am extremely close to my mother and father (not in an overbearing way!) And whilst I can't obviously say that's entirely because I'm an only child I think in my case it is. My mum is the sister I never had basically! It can be a really great life for a child and whilst he may occasionally get upset I wouldn't read too much into that, I know I used to ask for a sibling apparently too but I look back now and I don't recall ever being upset or feeling like I lost out and I still don't feel that way now.

I just have to remind myself that before my son was born I'd have cut off my arm just for him, I used to beg on my knees after yet another miscarriage for just ONE, that was all I needed, just one. And I did have him in the end. So whilst sometimes it does make me sad that I won't ever go through this again, I do have to just think about how precious my boy is and how he is something I never thought I'd have so just be grateful for that.

Wishing you all the best

I totally get you OP.

I had a DS naturally, then spent the best part of five years trying for a second child. I wanted it for me and DH, we wanted it for him. He never particularly asked for a sibling. 6 failed IVF rounds and I was mentally in a very difficult place. Month after month of disappointment for us, and feeling disappointed for DS (without projecting). My consultant suggested kindly that we stop. Prescribed clomid on the basis it couldn’t hurt but gave us a 5% chance of having another child. We had a DD.

I’m not saying this to give you hope, I have no idea why I conceived or whether you will too. But I just know that those 5 years were incredibly difficult for both me and DH and your feelings are completely valid. I was constantly told to relax, stop working so hard (which was paying for ivf...), if it’s meant to be it will happen, be grateful for what you have...all from people who had never experienced the pain of infertility. I would never use those words to invalidate the feelings of anyone trying to have a child.

X

Lovely post @ForkInTheToad

See I was the child that wanted the sibling, saw my friends from playgroup and school get them, then got one... It wasn't what I'd imagined in my mind at all as a child, there was a tonne of jealousy and resentment between us which isn't completely gone. Not my parents fault (although possibly later divorce didn't help) but it was "easy" as a young child to blame the much longed for sibling for getting in the way.

My DH had cancer shortly after I had my first. We got lucky and he's fine, but my own memories of getting an eventual sibling (having wanted one) and then them not living up to my expectations did affect my thought processes on the what if scenarios (of which there were many, including ICSI with a view to being a single parent of 2 rather than 1 DC).

@Whysolong7

I’m not sure if you want words that suggest positivity in your situation, which I get are hard to hear but...... I have two. I would like three but we can’t afford it. If I had three I would want 4.

Having two is great, I love it, but it comes at a cost too, me and dd one aren’t as close as we were when she was one her own, I miss it and I can’t get that relationship back because I’m always torn between the two of them. We have less money, less sleep and are torn between what both kids want to do which is hardly ever the same. My Dd wanted a sibling but they hardly ever play together and bicker a lot when they do so me and dp are often doing different things with each child. It’s not all positives. At all you do loose things having two and gain things by having one.

And you also gain things from having 2, and lose others from only having 1.

The 'just relax' posts are probably not relevant in this situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through OP, it is heartbreaking.
I did just want to say though that for many people stress really does play a huge role in infertility issues. Stress can play havoc with hormones in both men and women. I won't go into detail, but it is something I am currently studying and I do think it's important that people are aware of the impact it can have. I have anecdotally known quite a few people stop trying and then get pregnant, but I realise for many on this thread the issues are very complex.

Honestly, @Drunkenmonkey how do you think this post contributes to this thread?

"Just relax" is never relevant! Is there any other medical condition that the only treatment you would advise is relaxing?

Quelle surprise - you have "anecdotal" evidence - your cousin's hairdresser was it? Trying for 3 months, thought it would never happen and then went out and got drunk one night and hey presto!

P.s I hope my post didn't come across as another 'just be grateful for what you have'! type post!

It's just to me personally, reminding myself of how I felt before DS is what helps me get over those moments of sadness at 'only' having one iyswim

Do you have a pet? Could a pet help your dc to give them a focus?

I know the comments are to try to help, but in reality I don't see how OP can 'just relax', or get over it, or stop her DC from asking for a sibling, or think "oh DCs just argue anyway", or switch off the longing. The situation is on-going every moment of every day and so the pain continues.

Aside from the unhelpful just relax comment which has been covered,

Have you actually pointed out the positives to your son? My DD is 7 and is an only child (not through choice, we're similarly infertile and nothing is working) but I make sure to point out the benefits of being an only child to DD. More time to spend with her, more money to do fun things at the weekend, more room in the house for her stuff etc.

She's never been sad or pined for a sibling because I've always made sure she knows the house is open to her school friends, and I regularly remind her of the benefits of being an only!

I’m sorry you feel this way and I know I’d feel the same as you do.
There’s nothing you can do, hopefully the longing will ease in time

My dd was an ivf baby. She also used to beg for a sibling. The pregnancy with her was too hard on my physical health and left me with chronic pain / disability. I had no choice but to stop at one. Even if I had been able to get pregnant again, I wouldn’t have been able to look after dd or the baby. I therefore started the grieving process of not having another child almost as soon as she was born.

If your ds is crying for a sibling, I can understand why this is breaking your heart. He will get over it given time. My dd certainly did as she grew up. Children become increasingly selfish as they move toward the teenage years and I do wonder if you ds perhaps knows you’ve been pregnant and lost a baby or babies, in which case, he will see you and his dad being very sad (children can be very astute even if you didn’t tell him). That doesn’t mean you’re in anyway projecting your desire onto him. Rather that little kids are empathetic little souls.

My dd started asking when she was very little and I had to explain that it was very difficult for me to get pregnant. She wasn’t happy with the answer and maintained optimism that it would. As she’s grown older, I’ve obviously explained about ivf. I fell pregnant on the 3rd attempt.

Despite having to make the decision to have no more children, it is hard to see people with multiple children and it was very difficult to dispose of the frozen embryos we had left.

I really think you need to do what is best for your little family now. Honestly, your ds will get over it. My dd does a lot of activities for example and I explained to her how she was able to do all these activities when her friends with siblings could not. She eventually saw the advantage and is happy to be an only.

What I did do is create as much contact with other children as possible and tried to give her a semi sibling relationship with other littlies.

Ignore the unsupportive and judgemental posts.

I get you. Just because you want another child doesn't mean you don't think you're lucky to have the child you have.

I would love another one too and I have never discussed it in front of my DS yet for the past few weeks he has mentioned desperately wanting a brother. I think it's because he has seen his school friends siblings.

Breaks my heart - I just explained to him that they're born babies and can't play as soon as they're born! He asked how small they are when they're born and I told him and he said AWWWW. Heart broke a little more.

It's ok to be jealous or sad or heartbroken. Validate your feelings whilst focusing on the positive.

@greendress789

Perhaps I should've listed out my history so people could understand it's not just a case of relaxing! Let me think now:

IVF 2016 - failed fresh cycle
IVF 2017 - failed frozen transfer
IVF 2018 - miscarriage then a failed frozen transfer a month later
IVF 2019 - nothing suitable for transfer
IVF 2019 cycle 2 - failed fresh cycle
IVF 2020 - cancelled due to pandemic
IVF 2020 cycle 2 - failed cycle using donor egg

We've also been to a male fertility specialist to the tune of £1,000 to assess my husband. Acupuncture treatment £40 a week. Immune testing around £4K.

In between all that we have tried naturally but as you can probably imagine our sex life has gone to shit with everything we have been through!

So you can see why I think 'just relaxing' isn't going to work for me!

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. It must be difficult to get past so many disappointments. And I’m sorry that some posters here have been so utterly vile to you tonight, I’ve cringed so hard reading some comments that I’ve just about turned my skin inside out!

@Liquoricecreamrock

Do you have a pet? Could a pet help your dc to give them a focus?

Now we have bingo.

Read the full thread or at least the OPs comments

@Christmasfairy2020

Have you considered fostering a child his age xx

Where exactly are you on the stupidity scale?

Where exactly are you on the stupidity scale?

To be fair Simon while I take your point (abc that poster's comment is not really relevant or appropriate), OP has said a couple of times she would consider adoption & fostering.

So sorry OP. I don’t even have words. I hope your able to conceive again one day. I know you feel blessed and lucky to have one. But its normal to grieve the child you can’t/struggle conceive.