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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 21/04/2021 23:23

That's a lovely post, Kos.

Swiggless · 21/04/2021 23:25

I'm ready sorry @greendress789 Sad

I cried for a sibling too. It isn't uncommon. I hope you get your wish soonThanks

Thehouseofmarvels · 21/04/2021 23:34

My fiance has three siblings. He has no contact with them. He almost died of sepsis and not one of them bothered to visit him in hospital. They haven't visited their lovely uncle who has downs syndrome for 25 or 30 years. His aunt and the uncle with downs do not speak to their sister, his mother, neither does he. Having siblings is no guarantee they will like each other. Encouraging a relationship not only with his cousins but your cousins and their kids could be a nice idea.

IhateBoswell · 21/04/2021 23:38

Having siblings is no guarantee they will like each other.

Do you honestly think over 400 posts in that hasn’t been said?! Means sweet FA anyway.

madmara · 21/04/2021 23:49

I think it's relevant because there will be hundreds of women reading this thread who may have fertility issues and stress can play a huge role in infertility which many people are not aware of

What role? How does it affect fertility? It would be helpful if you could provide sources.

I never said 'just relax

You didn't provide any practical advice

And actually yes there are many complex health conditions caused or exacerbated by stress, please feel free to look into and research the impact of stress on body processes including hormones production, cardiovascular health, digestive health, reproductive health, mental health, the list goes on

And the number one advice for health problems would be "go see a doctor". Genuinely, if this thread was from an OP with a heart condition, would your only piece of advice be to reduce stress?

How was your post helpful exactly?

I was hoping to flag to the women that are dealing with infertility that their stress levels are not the cause of their medical condition. I want them to ignore people whose only advice is that they should reduce stress and that they know people who gave up trying and suddenly got pregnant. (Question - how did they get pregnant if they stopped having sex?)

Mumsnet is fucking awful sometimes.

Agreed.

GoldBar · 21/04/2021 23:53

I am really not trying to get personal with people, but people who write these kind of comments I wonder if they step over someone who has just been hit by a car and comment well they still have both their legs, so they should stop crying.

Is it too much to hope that they all get run over by a car?

madmara · 21/04/2021 23:54

@Drunkenmonkey To add to the above, advising women to reduce stress is telling them that they are the reason why they can't get pregnant and it's an unquantifable measure - how much stress do you need to reduce? How relaxed do you need to be?

All it does is add stress to the woman which surely defeats the point of the "advice" in the first place.

Drunkenmonkey · 22/04/2021 00:02

@madmara look I don't really want to go into it as it's derailing to the thread to have a random row over absolutely nothing.
It isn't 'blaming' anyone. Being stressed isn't someone's fault, is being depressed someones fault? It's just worth thinking about for some (not all) people trying to conceive, that is all as people often dismiss it. I really don't see what was in any way inflammatory about my post. Bizarre reaction to it to be honest.

Enough4me · 22/04/2021 00:10

@GoldBar
"Is it too much to hope that they all get run over by a car?"

The smug ones that have the awful issue of easily having DC and think OP should be grateful, relaxed and buy a pet...?

Hmm, seems a solution for them!

Drunkenmonkey · 22/04/2021 00:22

@madmara I actually only saw the second installment of your post when I wrote my previous one, I assumed you had just added to your first one, so apologies if it wasn't quite so comprehensive. I wasn't on here for a row so I won't give you any more ammunition.

madmara · 22/04/2021 00:26

No row @Drunkenmonkey I asked for sources to your research and explained, from personal experience, how your advice may only serve to increase stress.

Your response has been to reinforce your point and deflect by making out that I am in some way crazy and am having a "bizarre" reaction.

You're right about one thing - probably best to leave it there.

CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 00:34

@Phoebesgift

Be grateful you have one child. Some people can't have any children. Are you projecting your unhappiness on to your child? It's unusual that they would be crying over not having a sibling.
Nonsense!!! My DD regularly cries because she has no other child to play with!
Lalliella · 22/04/2021 00:34

I’m really sorry to hear this OP. I hear you, I was in your situation once. Took us 4 years to get our first DC and was desperate to have another, probably even more desperate than I was to have our first. For 3 reasons I think: for them so they won’t be an only child, for you to have the family you dreamed of, and because you love the first so much you know you have that love to give to a second.

I know what sort of crap people say to you - you should be grateful to have one, you’re a glass half empty person, blah blah. Fuck off with all your shit until you’ve been in my position!

I was lucky that we got our second child on the 4th go at IVF. I really hope it will work out for you Flowers

CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 00:35

@GreyhoundG1rl

It sounds very hard, but you are clearly passing your feelings on to your child. Crying for a sibling is most unusual, you know. Try not to let it overshadow both your lives.
No, it really isn't unusual! HmmNot at all! Plenty of only children are jealous of those with siblings and become upset
CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 00:37

@Mickey1234 ShockShockShock

You absolutely CANNOT say "If it's meant to be, it will be" to someone with fertility issues!!! Shock

CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 00:40

@BrumBoo

I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Sorry to distract from the op, but what the actual fuck @Mickey1234? Of all the shitty, stupid things to say to a woman with fertility issues, that had IVF for just one child, this is really the pits. Have you ever heard the phrase 'better to say nothing and thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt'?

THIS!!!!!!!

Unbelievable

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 00:46

greendress789, I'm sorry for being somewhat insensitive early on in the thread. I didn't intend to be. I understand a bit better now.

In some ways I feel I ought to stay away from threads about infertility.

I do wish you and your husband well.

Pinkyavocado · 22/04/2021 00:49

I’m always very jealous of people with only one child! However I understand it must be hard when you want more. Hopefully it’ll happen one day for you x

fairypangolin · 22/04/2021 01:10

OP I struggled to conceive my 2nd and resorted to IVF. I remember well the period where I was TTC and I was consumed with jealousy for women who seemed to get pregnant without any effort. I felt let down by my body, by DH, by the powers that be, etc. And having DC 1 actually in some ways made me feel more wretched because I kept telling myself I should just be grateful that I had him. You can tell yourself how to feel all you like and that won't stop the feelings. Longing to be pregnant and have a child is one of the most fundamental things a woman will feel in life. I occasionally had people make comments assuming we had chosen to have only one child and I would say nothing because I didn't want to betray how desperate and unhappy I was. I look back now and that was the worst period in my life by far.

So all I can say as I understand how you feel (although my story is nowhere near as difficult as yours), you have a right to your feelings and I wish you peace and happiness in the future.

CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 01:16

@Sparrowfeeder

I’m jealous of those with one child. That’s life.
How dare you? What has happened to you that has ripped out your sense of compassion?
AdamAntsBitofFluff · 22/04/2021 01:28

I am in your position so understand fully.
One child and second attempts came to nothing. Support groups were great about helping you decide when 'enough is enough' as the journey can be all consuming.
My only DC wanted a sibling until about 5yrs. Then realised all kids with siblings fought a lot and had to fit around the youngest child.

We had playdates galore and always invited a friend to places we went. Now child is a teen, being an only seems to be the preferred option.

It really helped all our views when we finally decided no more IVF attempts- they really do take over your life.

And as to the 'just relax' comment- that is just the worst thing to suggest. If you had a broken leg how would you feel if someone said ' don't worry about it, just run on it and it will soon mend'

ReggaetonLente · 22/04/2021 01:54

I'm sorry OP. I have no doubt it must feel utterly shit for you and I'm sending all the good vibes i can, hoping that somehow it works out for you and you get what you want.

EinAugenblickBitte · 22/04/2021 02:44

*Sparrowfeeder

I’m jealous of those with one child. That’s life.*
What an awful thing to say to anyone, including yourself.

vapourtrail · 22/04/2021 03:42

I have an only for similar reasons and really understand, I'm so sorry your family didn't turn out like you hoped. I have lots of only child guilt and do everything to fill my child's life with play dates and activities but I know he still looks wistfully at large families even though he can also see some benefits to his life and we are extremely close.

Just to say to those saying, Keep trying because my friend X managed to conceive after X attempts, this isn't always the best advice, not saying it isn't for you OP, but everyone has to make a personal decision of when to stop and say, This is my life and my reality and to try and make peace with that.

And sorry, but I also feel strongly about the Adoption advice. A child put for adoption will have had a very traumatic start in life, in the past children were put for adoption because of unmarried young mothers, things are very different now. Unfortunately this is not orphan Annie territory. Children for adoption will have most likely been exposed to alcohol or drugs in the womb and what they have experienced before they are put for adoption could leave lasting scars.

I genuinely think that adopting and loving and caring for another person's birth child is the most wonderful thing a person can do, but that it should be done purely to try and heal the child as opposed to something to heal a mother's grief.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide Flowers

CrumpetyTea · 22/04/2021 03:54

I feel the same- i also feel that others are judging me and my little family isn't enough of a family. And I have to deal with comments about how hard it is with more than one, i wouldn't understand etc and expecting me to help out as its very difficult with multiple children etc. Big families seem to trump little ones.
I live in an are now where I don't know anyone with single children which doesn't help.
I hate being asked why I only have one like i made a positive decision
DS complains about not having a sibling- plus i also think he is a bit/lot spoilt as we over compensate- both in things and time. BUT someone on another thread said that i needed to look at the positive- what are the benefits of only having one and focus on that. I am also aware that much of this is my perception and projection and its my problem rather than DSs- he uses the lack of sibling as an excuse to be bored/grab attention- i also think he can see that it creates a reaction in me.
I am trying to be more positive as frankly theres nothing else I can do.

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