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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
SaturdayRocks · 21/04/2021 22:32

@Royalbloo

I have one and she's fantastic. Are you projecting into your child? I don't mean that horribly but me and her know it's me and her and she is adamant we don't want or need anyone and we are a team- I actually think she'd be distraught if I ever had another but I'm 39 now so unlikely. She loves that it's just us x
Wow. That’s great. For you. Confused

And how is your happy little situation supposed to help, or be in any way relevant, to greendress789?

gg12346 · 21/04/2021 22:34

someone i know has no children and I also have one due to long term infertility .Now be blessed that you have 1 with no real issues .

SaturdayRocks · 21/04/2021 22:35

1. READ THE FULL THREAD

2. Think before you hit ‘post’: ‘is this helpful or kind, or is it a load of repetitive platitudes’? If you suspect if may in any way be the latter, just just don’t hit ‘post’.

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 22:35

Can I dress the pet in my son's old clothes and push it in his old pram?

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 21/04/2021 22:36

Flowers OP, I'm sorry.

IloveJKRowling · 21/04/2021 22:36

Hi OP, I've been where you are. The thing that helped me the most to come to terms with my grief over not having the family I'd imagined and having so many failed IVFs was a book by Tracey Cleantis called the Next Happy. I'd really recommend it. It really helped me to move on with my life.

As it turned out, after reading this book, grieving and starting to move on I fell pregnant naturally (after about 15 years of failed IVFs). However, it wasn't some magical fix. My children are 7 years apart. They can't play together much, their ages are too different and their interests too. It goes through this in the book, but dreams are usually quite specific and sometimes when you get what you think you want it really isn't the same as you imagined.

I love them both, I'm happy I had them both, but what I've ended up with really isn't my 'dream', what I wanted or what I imagined (didn't imagine being a knackered mum in my 40s for a start). Like most things in life there is good and bad. Some days I feel bad because we could have afforded private school for DD1 if we'd stuck at one, and in terms of education and opportunity that would have been better for her. Sometimes I feel guilty because I'm an old knackered mum to DD2. But they're both loved, and I can't change what's happened- all I can do is my best going forward and love them a lot, which I do.

DD1 used to cry about not having a sibling. In reality, she hated DD2 that first year. After having all our attention for so long it was hard. Children when they imagine a sibling imagine a child that will do whatever they want and not take any parental attention away from them. They don't understand what they're asking for or crying for, not really. Now DD2 says she wants a baby sister like her friend. I suspect if we did have another baby then she'd go through the same difficult time as DD1 did.

It's entirely legitimate and fine to grieve the family you wanted and haven't been able to have, but it's not going to harm your child being an only child. They are clearly loved. That's the most important thing.

I totally understand the jealousy when seeing other families who seem to have what you want... I used to feel that way myself, but I've learned that often their lives are difficult in other ways, and they may well themselves have unfulfilled dreams too (not all of them will, but some of them will).

Sobeyondthehills · 21/04/2021 22:37

@gg12346

someone i know has no children and I also have one due to long term infertility .Now be blessed that you have 1 with no real issues .
I am really not trying to get personal with people, but people who write these kind of comments I wonder if they step over someone who has just been hit by a car and comment well they still have both their legs, so they should stop crying.

Why would you click on this thread and think to post that?

HikeForward · 21/04/2021 22:40

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

I used to desperately want a sibling for my DD. Vague fertility issues have meant this hadn’t happened despite a few years of trying. Investigations were inconclusive but I have chronic health conditions that can affect fertility; she was conceived naturally, but I’ve accepted it may never happen again.

I haven’t given up but I’m not sure I want to go down the IVF route. There’s no guarantee it would work (actually a low success rate given I’m in my late 30s), and even if it did work she might not like having a sibling. They may not get on, may even hate each other, and we might regret having a second. Sometimes I wonder if it’s my body’s way of saying it can’t carry another pregnancy to term. I don’t want to waste her childhood on something that may never happen. So I try not to focus on it these days. If it happens naturally I’d be delighted but I don’t want it to take my focus off the family we have.

She has much older half siblings but they’re not close to her. I used to think she was missing out on the bond my step kids had (step kids were close when little despite regularly falling out and fighting). But now they’re teenagers they seem to loathe each other and be in constant competition.

We never mentioned trying for another to DD, but she goes through stages of asking if she’ll have a sibling. We tell her maybe, maybe not, let’s wait and see, but try not to dwell on it. When she was about 4 a mutual friend was pregnant, I was very sad about not being able to conceive again but thought I hid it well; then DD unexpectedly asked me if I had a ‘ghost baby’ in my tummy instead of ‘a real one with a bump’ and asked if it was making me sad! 😰 So kids do pick up on what you’re going through and feeling, even if you don’t talk about it and try to protect them from your sadness.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/04/2021 22:43

@greendress789

Can I dress the pet in my son's old clothes and push it in his old pram?
I know I shouldn't but I did laugh at this (not your feelings but your pithy response). 🙌
ArabellaScott · 21/04/2021 22:45

I change the subject or try and distract him.

I just wondered if it might be worth listening to your son, OP? Maybe he does have feelings and needs to talk/work through them. 'Playing it out' is great (and by the by, a willing adult is better here than another child, most of the time, because another child will interfere in the game!). Active listening/playing with him is like therapy for kids, and could be really what he is in need of.

Even if you're careful not to pass on your feelings, he could well be picking up on them. Which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, he just maybe needs a bit of help in understanding it's okay to feel whatever he's feeling, and ways to let out the 'big feelings'. (As do you, of course!)

You are a family, you all affect each other. You go through these things together, whether you talk about it, or not.

Useful website/book: www.playfulparenting.com/

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 22:45

@EarringsandLipstick 😃

OP posts:
Fromwhenceshecame · 21/04/2021 22:48

So sorry OP. It’s not your fault that your child is wishing for a sibling. Some kids would never mention it, yours obviously does. The idea that you must projecting because someone else’s child never said it is downright silly.
You are brave to keep this post here, but perhaps it shows the reality of what some think.
Perhaps it also shows that most women, at least, have some insight. Whilst few have had to endure your journey, very many have had a some level of difficulties, whether it be miscarriages, tfmr, difficulties conceiving etc.
Its not the same, obviously, but just as you have clear empathy for those who have none, hopefully this shows that most people have empathy for your situation.
Unfortunately you won’t see that in real life, as they will be the ones allowing you space and not discussing it, as opposed to the idiots who think it’s a reasonable topic of conversation in public.

Drunkenmonkey · 21/04/2021 22:51

@madmara I think it's relevant because there will be hundreds of women reading this thread who may have fertility issues and stress can play a huge role in infertility which many people are not aware of. I never said 'just relax' that would have been patronising considering what the OP has been through. And actually yes there are many complex health conditions caused or exacerbated by stress, please feel free to look into and research the impact of stress on body processes including hormones production, cardiovascular health, digestive health, reproductive health, mental health, the list goes on. Feel free to direct your rant at someone more deserving of it. How was your post helpful exactly? Mumsnet is fucking awful sometimes.

greyinganddecaying · 21/04/2021 22:52

I'm so sorry OP.

I had many miscarriages/losses between my 2 living children, there's a big age gap (& they don't play together!)

6 years after my youngest was born & I'm unable to have any more children, I still feel a pang of envy at friends who are pregnant/have a baby/more children.

It's ok to feel like that, it doesn't mean you're ungrateful for the child you have. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

Sending you a big hug.

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 22:52

[quote ArabellaScott]I change the subject or try and distract him.

I just wondered if it might be worth listening to your son, OP? Maybe he does have feelings and needs to talk/work through them. 'Playing it out' is great (and by the by, a willing adult is better here than another child, most of the time, because another child will interfere in the game!). Active listening/playing with him is like therapy for kids, and could be really what he is in need of.

Even if you're careful not to pass on your feelings, he could well be picking up on them. Which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, he just maybe needs a bit of help in understanding it's okay to feel whatever he's feeling, and ways to let out the 'big feelings'. (As do you, of course!)

You are a family, you all affect each other. You go through these things together, whether you talk about it, or not.

Useful website/book: www.playfulparenting.com/[/quote]
Thanks 💐

OP posts:
kos88 · 21/04/2021 22:53

Hi there,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. In a similar position myself with a failed FET and 2 mc since my daughter. It’s not incompatible to feel very grateful for having had one child against the odds and also feeling distraught at not being able to have a sibling.

I don’t know if it’s helpful but I’ve tried to give factual responses to my daughter when she’s asked.l if she can have a brother or sister. ‘Some mummies can have lots of babies other mummies can only have one baby and that’s a very special baby’ (she was 3). She is naturally curious and sees all these other families with more children that I want her to be able to process being an only and all the feelings that go with that. In future that will mean telling her it wasn’t possible to have another.

I wonder if your son is picking up on your feelings unconsciously - that if you can’t bear to talk to him about the sibling he wants so badly then he may start to feel that something truly unbearable is taking place (which it is, for you). I think this is maybe what a previous poster meant about projection - children pick up on our emotional anxieties even if we try to shield them.

There’s also a very strong possibility that I’m also projecting onto you, but I suppose I’m trying to think about how I move my own grief and panic at being unable to have a second child into something more manageable. It does come in waves - I feel I can’t survive the sadness and grief and then I feel maybe I can enjoy and be happy with what I have.

So much of life is about trying to be content with what we have when it so often doesn’t match our dreams, hopes. I think when you have struggled with infertility you are so much closer to living that hope/disappointment line all the time. It’s so heartbreaking and your post sums the anguish it causes.

I hope so much you have the sibling you want for your son and if that hope isn’t realised that you find peace in knowing you tried your very best, and that ultimately what you already have will feel enough Flowers

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 21/04/2021 22:54

I’m jealous of Mums with 1 chills 😔

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 22:59

@ComeTheFuck0nBridget

I’m jealous of Mums with 1 chills 😔
I'm sorry. Please share your story if you would like to.
OP posts:
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 23:00

@kos88

Hi there,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. In a similar position myself with a failed FET and 2 mc since my daughter. It’s not incompatible to feel very grateful for having had one child against the odds and also feeling distraught at not being able to have a sibling.

I don’t know if it’s helpful but I’ve tried to give factual responses to my daughter when she’s asked.l if she can have a brother or sister. ‘Some mummies can have lots of babies other mummies can only have one baby and that’s a very special baby’ (she was 3). She is naturally curious and sees all these other families with more children that I want her to be able to process being an only and all the feelings that go with that. In future that will mean telling her it wasn’t possible to have another.

I wonder if your son is picking up on your feelings unconsciously - that if you can’t bear to talk to him about the sibling he wants so badly then he may start to feel that something truly unbearable is taking place (which it is, for you). I think this is maybe what a previous poster meant about projection - children pick up on our emotional anxieties even if we try to shield them.

There’s also a very strong possibility that I’m also projecting onto you, but I suppose I’m trying to think about how I move my own grief and panic at being unable to have a second child into something more manageable. It does come in waves - I feel I can’t survive the sadness and grief and then I feel maybe I can enjoy and be happy with what I have.

So much of life is about trying to be content with what we have when it so often doesn’t match our dreams, hopes. I think when you have struggled with infertility you are so much closer to living that hope/disappointment line all the time. It’s so heartbreaking and your post sums the anguish it causes.

I hope so much you have the sibling you want for your son and if that hope isn’t realised that you find peace in knowing you tried your very best, and that ultimately what you already have will feel enough Flowers

Thanks - very useful 💐
OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 21/04/2021 23:07

Not RTFT, but wanted to add that my youngest DS cries over not having a younger sibling. He is 7. Other DC are 15, 13 and 9 and all dote on him and play with him daily.
All mine were the same when they were the youngest.
Having another dc won’t stop the youngest wishing for a younger sibling.

MsJuniper · 21/04/2021 23:09

I can't believe people are trotting out stuff about relaxing and feeling blessed. I remember opening up to a friend after about my 4th mc and her saying that perhaps I should just relax. I asked if that meant she thought it was my fault I was miscarrying.

What people struggle to understand is that it's the hope each cycle brings that really gets you. I didn't have IVF but had recurrent mc after my first child. Every time I would get my hopes up, month after month and pregnancy after pregnancy. I was lucky enough to have a second child in the end but it wrecked a lot of my friendships and mental health. For you to have the additional strain of IVF and cancelled treatment must be almost unbearable.

All I can say is that it is understandable to feel this way and completely justified. Protect yourself and do what you need to look after yourself at this time. I know you love your existing DC and I know you already feel blessed to have him. You don't need to be told that. It's ok to feel this way.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/04/2021 23:09

@Howmanysleepsnow

Not RTFT, but wanted to add that my youngest DS cries over not having a younger sibling. He is 7. Other DC are 15, 13 and 9 and all dote on him and play with him daily. All mine were the same when they were the youngest. Having another dc won’t stop the youngest wishing for a younger sibling.
I'd suggest you do RTFT, or at the very least, OP's posts.

Just when I think there can't be any more insensitive posts to come ... 🙄

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 23:10

@MsJuniper

I can't believe people are trotting out stuff about relaxing and feeling blessed. I remember opening up to a friend after about my 4th mc and her saying that perhaps I should just relax. I asked if that meant she thought it was my fault I was miscarrying.

What people struggle to understand is that it's the hope each cycle brings that really gets you. I didn't have IVF but had recurrent mc after my first child. Every time I would get my hopes up, month after month and pregnancy after pregnancy. I was lucky enough to have a second child in the end but it wrecked a lot of my friendships and mental health. For you to have the additional strain of IVF and cancelled treatment must be almost unbearable.

All I can say is that it is understandable to feel this way and completely justified. Protect yourself and do what you need to look after yourself at this time. I know you love your existing DC and I know you already feel blessed to have him. You don't need to be told that. It's ok to feel this way.

Thank you 💐
OP posts:
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 23:12

@Howmanysleepsnow

Not RTFT, but wanted to add that my youngest DS cries over not having a younger sibling. He is 7. Other DC are 15, 13 and 9 and all dote on him and play with him daily. All mine were the same when they were the youngest. Having another dc won’t stop the youngest wishing for a younger sibling.
Your child has 3 people to play with at any time of any day. Not really the same situation.
OP posts:
Rege · 21/04/2021 23:17

@Royalbloo

I have one and she's fantastic. Are you projecting into your child? I don't mean that horribly but me and her know it's me and her and she is adamant we don't want or need anyone and we are a team- I actually think she'd be distraught if I ever had another but I'm 39 now so unlikely. She loves that it's just us x
What a silly post!
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