Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

[Megan124]

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

@ShirtyGertie

Excellent message. Very well handled - both dealing with this situation and with Mumsnet posters

Thank u x

I personally wouldnt like it if my best friend was friends with my ex new girlfriend her loyalty should stand with you , , I wouldnt do that to any of my pals and they wouldn't to me, if it was me I'd be polite to her becuse of work and that's it,

@Newbie202012

I personally wouldnt like it if my best friend was friends with my ex new girlfriend her loyalty should stand with you , , I wouldnt do that to any of my pals and they wouldn't to me, if it was me I'd be polite to her becuse of work and that's it,

Yeah I wouldn’t do that to any of my friends either 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Megan124 I'd personally distance my self from her but if yous are in contact if she tries telling you anymore stuff about your ex and new lass just shut it down and say your not interested dont mention him at all to her cos if shes coming bk to u telling you things she might b going bk to her telling her what your saying your still young constrentate on your self and other friends have fun , live life , dont waste anymore time and thoughts on them

Good call @Megan124 🌸

She is in a work group that includes them. It is grossly unfair of you to be pressuring her to not be friends/friendly with them - do you want your friend to make a bad aptmosphere where she works? If you cant be friends without putting conditions on it, you should step back and let her off the hook.

@DazzlingHaze

You need to protect yourself first and foremost and if hearing about your ex and his new gf from this friend is going to hurt you and prevent you from moving on, it's totally acceptable for you to take a step back. I think I would have to do the same if I was in a lot of pain over the end of my relationship.

This

@Babygotblueyes

She is in a work group that includes them. It is grossly unfair of you to be pressuring her to not be friends/friendly with them - do you want your friend to make a bad aptmosphere where she works? If you cant be friends without putting conditions on it, you should step back and let her off the hook.

I think u can be friends with people at work without being really close and seeing them outside of work, which is what she is doing. Of course I would not want her to ignore them at work because of me, but she’s very close with them now and it makes me upset when she tells me she is with them. Although this might seem unfair, I can’t keep getting upset every time I speak to her as it then becomes unfair on me.

[quote Newbie202012]@Megan124 I'd personally distance my self from her but if yous are in contact if she tries telling you anymore stuff about your ex and new lass just shut it down and say your not interested dont mention him at all to her cos if shes coming bk to u telling you things she might b going bk to her telling her what your saying your still young constrentate on your self and other friends have fun , live life , dont waste anymore time and thoughts on them[/quote]
Yeah I agree. Hearing about them all together just makes me so upset, and I don’t want to waste any more of my time being upset over him! Thanks for the advice x

I disagree the op said her friend goes out with them all the time which I think Is 2 faced , there is a difference between friends, associates and work colleagues if my friends exs partner started working at my work place I'd be polite at work and that's it it's called loyalty, op you have already said he was abusive so u have had a lucky escape people like that dont change and it would of got worse overtime he will b the same with her , i know it's hard letting go but if he broke up with her and then begged u to take him bk could you really go bk in a relationship with him knowing hes been with someone else ? I dont think so , in 10+ years you should be sat being proud of what you've accomplished in life not sat regretting the time you spent on people not worthy to be in your life,

@Chloemol

How old are you? 5? You are just being childish, and in fact controlling at the same time

What right do you have to dictate who your friends are friends with. Do you not understand how difficult it could be for your friend at work when she has to watch what she is doing all the time in case you see them and get the wrong picture. The picture you saw was a work group, she works with them, do you expect her to say sorry I can’t be in any pictures in case my friend sees me

I bet she is not talking to them about you, she is your friend, but has to have some sort of relationship with them because of work

Stop taking your issues out on her

As my “bestfriend” I did expect her to not become so voluntarily close to my ex and his new girlfriend, yes. The video was of them outside of work together, not at work. It’s not me controlling who she’s friends with, it’s me setting boundaries because at the end of the day I have to put my own feelings first. Everytime I would speak to my bestfriend I’d feel like shit afterwards.

@Newbie202012

I disagree the op said her friend goes out with them all the time which I think Is 2 faced , there is a difference between friends, associates and work colleagues if my friends exs partner started working at my work place I'd be polite at work and that's it it's called loyalty, op you have already said he was abusive so u have had a lucky escape people like that dont change and it would of got worse overtime he will b the same with her , i know it's hard letting go but if he broke up with her and then begged u to take him bk could you really go bk in a relationship with him knowing hes been with someone else ? I dont think so , in 10+ years you should be sat being proud of what you've accomplished in life not sat regretting the time you spent on people not worthy to be in your life,

Thanks for your message. Your right, I would never ever take him back.

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

As I said earlier, if you cant handle the fact she has the right to be friends with anyone she wants to be friends with, or want to put conditions on it (she can be friends with your ex but not the new gf) then you need to step back from the friendship because it is not fair to her. This is immature in the extreme, and perhaps needs to be the motivation for you to take a look at yourself and how you manage your life.

@Marshasthorn

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

Girl code

@Babygotblueyes

As I said earlier, if you cant handle the fact she has the right to be friends with anyone she wants to be friends with, or want to put conditions on it (she can be friends with your ex but not the new gf) then you need to step back from the friendship because it is not fair to her. This is immature in the extreme, and perhaps needs to be the motivation for you to take a look at yourself and how you manage your life.

Yeah I have taken a step back from the friendship?

@Marshasthorn

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

Because why on earth would she want to be friends with her if she was a decent friend?

Girl code

Interesting.

It’s not the way I would treat my friends because ultimately you are telling them what they can and cannot do in terms of friendships. That’s also known as controlling behaviour.

You can dress it up as ‘girl code’ but it eventually comes down to telling your friend who she can and cannot be friends with and if she chooses to be friends with the ex gf then you’re going to stop being her friend.

Isn’t that emotional blackmail?

I suppose people have different attitudes in life and how they react and respond is entirely up to them. It’s your life and if you’re okay with doing that then it’s entirely up to you.

You came here for opinions and I’m giving you mine so don’t take it personally.

Regardless I wish you well with you recovery from your ex and hope you build enough self esteem to get to a point in life where this ex of yours is no longer an issue. You are still very young.

This is no 'Friend' in the truest sense of the word.

OP you are not controlling, you are drawing boundaries in your life, and women on Mumsnet are encouraged to do this all the time. I think the word controlling is banded around so frivolously now its losing definition.

You are doing the right thing OP, drawing a line under something that was affecting your well being. Good decision. 🌸

@Marshasthorn

Girl code

Interesting.

It’s not the way I would treat my friends because ultimately you are telling them what they can and cannot do in terms of friendships. That’s also known as controlling behaviour.

You can dress it up as ‘girl code’ but it eventually comes down to telling your friend who she can and cannot be friends with and if she chooses to be friends with the ex gf then you’re going to stop being her friend.

Isn’t that emotional blackmail?

I suppose people have different attitudes in life and how they react and respond is entirely up to them. It’s your life and if you’re okay with doing that then it’s entirely up to you.

You came here for opinions and I’m giving you mine so don’t take it personally.

Regardless I wish you well with you recovery from your ex and hope you build enough self esteem to get to a point in life where this ex of yours is no longer an issue. You are still very young.

I respect your opinion, obviously I posted on here to get different opinions on this situation because I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. I hate that it’s come across like blackmail, that was never my intentions but I can see how it appears that way. Since, I have said to her it’s fine she’s friends with them, I just may need a little time to get used to it. As I’ve said before, I would never become voluntarily friends with one of my bestfriends ex’s and their new partner, but I guess like you said everyone is different.

@BlueDahlia69

This is no 'Friend' in the truest sense of the word.

OP you are not controlling, you are drawing boundaries in your life, and women on Mumsnet are encouraged to do this all the time. I think the word controlling is banded around so frivolously now its losing definition.

You are doing the right thing OP, drawing a line under something that was affecting your well being. Good decision. 🌸

I agree that it is odd people have found this so “controlling” of me. My friend can do what she wants, I’m not physically forcing her to do anything, I’m saying what your doing upsets and offends me so I might find it difficult to be close to u.

My friend can do what she wants, I’m not physically forcing her to do anything, I’m saying what your doing upsets and offends me so I might find it difficult to be close to u.

and this is the correct thing to do.. you cannot control her behaviour but you can control her access to you through boundaries and you can control your reaction to all of this.

You're doing good. 🌸

@Marshasthorn

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

The new girlfriend has done nothing wrong. She’s probably a really nice girl, I just feel uncomfortable because she is ‘that’ girl for me. The one my ex replaced me with in 2 months of breaking up. I personally wouldn’t befriend any of my friends ex’s new girlfriends regardless of the circumstances and regardless of what the new gf has done or not done.

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

Im baffled by yours to be fair.