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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
malificent7 · 22/04/2021 15:10

I don't think shes a great loss as a ' friend ' op...id let them all get on with it and move on.

PureAndEasy · 22/04/2021 15:35

Mumsnet is a weird place (to me at least) about the issue of loyalty between friends. The Mumsnet line is based on zero loyalty - everybody can do whatev

Cadent · 22/04/2021 15:48

The fact that you've stayed on this thread and responded to everyone even though some of the posts haven't been very nice shows that you are a very strong person.

You will get through this. I would make up with your friend, and just ask her not to mention work stuff or your ex anymore, and even take a step back from the friendship for a while if it helps.

It may also help to discuss how ex was abusive and how you can build your self-esteem so you don't accept that behaviour anymore.

You'll be fine, I hope you've deleted ex from social media, phone etc Flowers

Cadent · 22/04/2021 15:49

It may also help to discuss how ex was abusive and how you can build your self-esteem so you don't accept that behaviour anymore...I mean it discuss it here on this thread or on a new thread in Relationships.

Cadent · 22/04/2021 15:50

@BlueDahlia69

OP still has emotions feels pain and hurts like a 30/40/50/60 year old folks. Experience she will learn from this, but calling OP immature is just plain unkind.

21... We've all been there. 🌸

Yep, and those 30/40/50/60 year olds often don't even return to their own threads, so hats off to OP.
Devlesko · 22/04/2021 15:54

How many best friends do you have?
You don't seem to know this one very well at all.
Cut your losses and find friends that are less superficial.

sonjadog · 22/04/2021 15:57

I agree that you don't sound immature, OP. You sound like a 21 year old. I remember similar issues with my friends around this age. I wish I had had a lot of older people in the background to ask for advice on navigating friendships when I was that age! You are still learning and it sounds like you are making good steps in the right direction when it comes to laying down boundaries. Apologize to your friend, ask her not to mention anything to do with your ex-boyfriend in the future, and put it all behind you. Being dumped hurts and the other person moving on when you still care hurts. But these hurts will pass with time. Be kind to yourself and keep busy. Time is the best healer for heartbreak.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 16:13

Yep, and those 30/40/50/60 year olds often don't even return to their own threads, so hats off to OP.

very true 🌸

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 16:23

Well done OP for doing so well with people being so ridiculous.

Nobody would be Ok with this.

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:41

@PandemicAtTheDisco

You sound immature because guess what? You are.

You're only 21. I don't know if you've had many relationships before but the first few adult relationships can be difficult to navigate and handle emotionally.

It's not the end of the world but can feel like it.

He sounds abusive. Why did you find him attractive? Why would you put up with his abuse? Do you need support to help you choose better next time?

He was my first boyfriend. I don’t know why I put up with it to be honest, glad I’m out of it now though as it would’ve probably become a lot worse.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:46

@SandyY2K

Well from what everyone is saying on here I feel like I should message her to say sorry for acting so immaturely

I don't agree with those views.
Do what you feel comfortable with and if you don't want to do anything, leave it be.

Your feelings are not unusual and I would make me feel rather uncomfortable too, I'd just handle it differently than you have. I wouldn't feel able to have more than a surface level relationship with her. Nothing in depth.

It's often people who do this,that would be offended if it was the other way round as well.

Yeah maybe when you hear it from an outside perspective I do sound a little insane. Things are different when it’s effecting you though. Thanks for your message x
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:47

@BlueDahlia69

OP still has emotions feels pain and hurts like a 30/40/50/60 year old folks. Experience she will learn from this, but calling OP immature is just plain unkind.

21... We've all been there. 🌸

Thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:48

@Cadent

The fact that you've stayed on this thread and responded to everyone even though some of the posts haven't been very nice shows that you are a very strong person.

You will get through this. I would make up with your friend, and just ask her not to mention work stuff or your ex anymore, and even take a step back from the friendship for a while if it helps.

It may also help to discuss how ex was abusive and how you can build your self-esteem so you don't accept that behaviour anymore.

You'll be fine, I hope you've deleted ex from social media, phone etc Flowers

Thank you for your message. Yep I’ve deleted my ex from everything.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:50

@Butwasitherdriveway

Well done OP for doing so well with people being so ridiculous.

Nobody would be Ok with this.

Thanks. I quite like hearing the different opinions on this topic to be honest 😂
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 16:52

@Cadent

It may also help to discuss how ex was abusive and how you can build your self-esteem so you don't accept that behaviour anymore...I mean it discuss it here on this thread or on a new thread in Relationships.
Yeah I might actually do this because I find it quite hard and a bit embarrassing to talk about to my friends and family. Thanks x
OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/04/2021 18:50

Thank god the realistic people have finally turned up. Reality is that very few people would be ok with this.

MrMeSeeks · 22/04/2021 18:55

Yabu. She can be friends with wjo she wishes, this is very unfair on her, especially as she works with them!
( i have been there also, my friends are friends with my ex, that’s fine, it’s separate from our friendship).

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 19:43

Think about yourself OP, because nobody else will give a rats ass about you.

Stop accommodating everyone else and prioritise your own feelings.

you are your No. 1 🌸

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 19:46

@Branleuse

Thank god the realistic people have finally turned up. Reality is that very few people would be ok with this.
👏👏👏👏
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 19:57

A little update. I apologised for being a mean. I said it’s fine that your friends with them, but for my own sakes I may be a little distant for the time being. I said I don’t think your a bad person and I know your in a difficult position. I said, I hope we can be close again when I’m feeling more healed and hearing that you are with them 2 doesn’t upset me as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 19:57

@BlueDahlia69

Think about yourself OP, because nobody else will give a rats ass about you.

Stop accommodating everyone else and prioritise your own feelings.

you are your No. 1 🌸

Thanks for your message x
OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 19:57

@Megan124

A little update. I apologised for being a mean. I said it’s fine that your friends with them, but for my own sakes I may be a little distant for the time being. I said I don’t think your a bad person and I know your in a difficult position. I said, I hope we can be close again when I’m feeling more healed and hearing that you are with them 2 doesn’t upset me as much.
I think you're lovely OP.

She's the one that should be keeping distance.

She better give you a nice response.

wingsnthat · 22/04/2021 19:58

10/10 message, so mature. You explained yourself perfectly

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 20:04

@wingsnthat

10/10 message, so mature. You explained yourself perfectly
Aw thank u x
OP posts:
ShirtyGertie · 22/04/2021 20:13

Excellent message. Very well handled - both dealing with this situation and with Mumsnet posters Wink

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