Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

All I know is if I don’t eat until lunchtime I feel fine if I have toast / cereal etc at breakfast time I am weak and shakey by 11 ish.

I don't do breakfast at all - of any type. It makes me hungrier throughout the morning. It's a myth that 'it's the most important meal of the day'. I think that might have been coined by a cereal company somewhere!

@BreathingDeep

Another one here who could have written your post. Just putting in a vote for low carb boot camp here on MN, with the brilliant @BIWI

It's a game changer, eating real, unprocessed food which stops that terrible cycle of deprivation followed by over indulgence.

It also works really well with the non diet approach advocated by Gillian Riley https://eatingless.com

This thread is fab, thanks so much for all the tips and sharing of experiences. So my goals are;

1. Read some of the book recommendations people have made here. 2. Lose 1.5 stone by my 2nd vaccination in July 3. Get back on low carb which I know works for me 3. Enjoy the daily things from @TigerTulip post - for me I'd love to not have a massive Dam of water caused by my big arse while I'm in the bath! And then a tsunami over the floor each time I try and move. Oh and today I'm going to make a lovely spreadsheet.

Ooo can I join you all please?
What a very honest and supportive thread
I have 3 stone to loose to get to the upper end of a healthy BMI so would ideally like to lose 4st. But 3 would be incredible!
I can't be arsed calorie counting all the time. So am thinking of starting 5:2 next week. It has worked for everyone I know who has done it.
Sending strength and sunny thoughts to you all. We CAN do this! 🙌

I too love the idea of having a friendly, non judgemental thread for support. It's nice that over 200 posts in we've not encountered fat shaming or rude comments about how we are going to destroy the NHS.

I had my hair done yesterday. It was the first time I'd looked closely at myself in a mirror for a long time and I was shocked by how grotesque I was. I'd like to say I am determined to do something about it, but I've been determined to do something for a long time and it doesn't happen because life.

I did manage to have a couple of wine free days this week and have cut out some of the crap I was eating. I'm alone tonight - my husband is still in London and the kids are having a movie night with my dad and will stay over there. I've got a pile of simply cook boxes that I haven't been arsed to cook with so I'm cooking a curry for myself tonight instead of ordering one. Will have wine tonight, but going to try and not drink during the week. Think it's going to have to be baby steps as I just don't have the headspace for concentrating on losing weight at the moment.

Got a fab new haircut though

This is a fascinating thread.

First of all, OP, you're not alone, as you now know. I would echo those who've said how important it is to give yourself positive messages, and take things one step at a time.

My lifelong problem is yo-yo dieting. I'm in my late 50s and my weight has ricocheted all my life between being in the middle of the healthy range for my height, and about six stone over that. I've got very good at losing weight, but I haven't been able to solve the problem of keeping it off. At the point I try to come off a weight loss plan and onto a maintenance plan everything seems to go haywire, and I feel insatiably hungry all the time. The pattern then plays out inevitably - a few months of alternating days of being in control of my eating with days of being out of control, until I lose it completely and my weight shoots up again and I'm back feeling bloated and crap. Does anyone else have this issue? Any tips?

A bit sad to read some of these comments. Please be nice to yourselves.

Calling yourself names like fat, a state or grotesque is not going to help.

I have lost count of the times I have told my kids about being kind & valuing this above all other things in other people.

It doesn't matter if they are fat or skinny. Your weight is not the most important thing about you.

Yes, it's good to try & be more healthy & losing weight will be an outcome of this.

But being overweight does not. Repeat NOT make you a bad person!

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all Xx

Important to remember too that it's not a question of getting from A to B. It's not that you will only feel better when you have lost 5 stones. You'll feel better with every few pounds, and that in itself will help motivate you in to the next few pounds.

100% this. I've lost 3 stone since January. I need to lose another 2 (at least) but I already feel so much better. More energy, more stamina, plus I look 'chubby' now rather than obese. I feel much more motivated now that I've reaped the results and can see the end goal. Good luck, OP!

2lbs lost off my fat cloak. Nobbut a buttonsworth - but it is a start...

You are not alone, like many people I feel like life is passing me by, because I'm reluctant to do things until after I've lost weight. I need to lose at least 5 stones, probably nearer to 6.
I've tried so many diets, and failed, I'm the fattest I've ever been. So, I've restarted MyFitnessPal, and set my goal to lose 1 lb a week. I've also started doing 10k steps a day again, so I'm hoping that the weight comes off a little quicker.
I've managed to lose 2 lbs without feeling I've deprived myself too much

I highly recommend these books, @BreathingDeep. They’ve totally changed the way I think about food, health and weight loss.

amazon.co.uk/Diet-Myth-Real-Science-Behind/dp/1780229003/]]
amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1787332292/]]
amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07XLFX52N/]]

I don’t think those links worked... trying again...

amazon.co.uk/Diet-Myth-Real-Science-Behind/dp/1780229003/]]
amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1787332292/]]
amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07XLFX52N/]]

FFS! No idea why the links are going all screwy.

The books are The Diet Myth, and Spoon Fed; both by Tim Spector. And Why We Eat (Too Much): The New Science of Appetite by Andrew Jenkinson.

Lots of people feel like this I'm sure.
I think a few strict days are not too long to bear. Then your appetite decreases, and you feel inspired to continue by the weight loss you see.

Some great posts on here and we've all got the same sort of challenges.

I did a long walk today, 4km which is good for me. And I've started couch to 5k. First time on Friday and going again tomorrow. I've no idea how far I'll get with that because I'm mid sixties and probably really unfit (although I can walk) but I'll give it a bash.

My one problem is... I've given up alcohol totally during the week but I just can't on a Friday and Saturday, or I will feel life isn't worth living to be honest. It's always been a ritual of ours to share a bottle of wine on those days so I am just going to be really careful during the day and carry on with that.

Can I join as an alcoholic? Like you, I used to wake up every day and say today is going to be different! For some years I worked and drank only a small amount. Now I wake up and I just find the vodka. I have given up hope, but at the same time hope that there still is hope! It's horrible feeling out of control and stupid and idiotic. But here I am checking in with a BMI higher than my IQ.

Your not fat, you have fat deposits... fat doesn't define you as a person, that's the funny clever organised you.
I have probably 2 stone more than desired and my approach is, the old aged calorie counting on nutracheck.
I don't deny myself anything, I think about what I can or want to eat. If I don't want breakfast I don't.
It's about understanding yourself. I know now I drink far too much alcohol...and would prefer that to chocolate.
I know where I'm going.
Talk to yourself, talk to a loved one tell exactly how you feel.. step forward and tell yourself its a long process without scales number counting just I can do this today one meal at a time.🙂

Walking
There is always hope.
Finding it is really hard but it is out there.

I've been out of control in all sorts of ways in my life at times. I have a bit of an addictive personality, I feel for you.

Hello everyone,
I've read the thread with interest.
I'm 53 and have been overweight since I was about 19. I have done SW, WW, calorie counting, fasting, hypnosis etc etc etc
At 19 I was about half a stone overweight. I am now about 7 or 8 stone heavier than I should be with a bmi of 43.
I genuinely curse the day I went on my first diet.

I detest how I look. I detest myself for my lack of willpower.
I am an older mum and I really worry about not being around for my children.
I am reasonably active but not active enough. I walk every lunchtime and do one or two dance classes a week.
My current plan is to get an aerobics step and step for a few minutes while the kettle boils etc.
My food intake is fine until I get home from work and then its like something snaps and I turn into an eating machine.

If I can hold out for half an hour I seem to reset but if not.........

HOWEVER I have recently been thinking about being nicer to myself. I'm a bit of an ageing hippie but have been hiding away in dull and frumpy clothes. I have decided that, actually, I am going to be a riot of colour and wear what I damn well want.
Feeling better about my clothes has led to a teeny bit of treating myself better with regards to food.
My biggest success so far has been to increase my water intake.
I now plan to up my daily steps - I've got a great pedometer that hooks onto my bra- to 10,000

@CornishGem1975 I completely agree about breakfast.
I totally disagree with the need to eat regular meals for our metabolism. What we need is to spend periods of time in a fasting state.
The more and the more often you eat, the more your appetite increases imo.

Welcome to the new posters, and agree how refreshing it is to find supportive people who understand.

Walking welcome, and I’m really sorry to hear about your struggles. I don’t know much about alcohol addiction but I’m starting to understand that my food (and specifically) sugar addiction really is exactly that. A genuine addiction. And I feel very strongly in its grip, I can only imagine that alcohol is even harder. But there is definitely hope.

Jeff I too am an older mum and feel exactly the same way, especially as my children have SN/disabilities. I worry about it all the time. I also curse the day I did my first diet - it worked but has led to yo-yoing ever since 🙄

Today has been good though. Coffee with a friend - she had pastry, I didn’t - and then park with DD and a mum /DD friend duo. They had cake and drinks, I didn’t (had just had the coffee). I put on a bit of makeup and felt a bit more presentable than I have lately.

Right now I can keep in mind and believe that every little decision I make about food counts, and it’s worth making good ones. Baby steps. When I lose control I think it’s a combination of thinking that ‘this mouthful won’t make any difference’ (x1000 ) and ‘I’ll start tomorrow’. Clearly not working for me so far! I am not sure how to keep this ‘every decision helps’ in mind but that’s the mission.

Should we set up a thread in weight loss (since we are still in AIBU)? @BreathingDeep would you like to do it? Or I’m sure any of us would be happy to.

I imagine some people will be following diets, others ditching the diet mentality and trying to change their attitude to food. All good.

I am going to do a bit of both - I think I’m going to low-carb for around the first 1.5 stone - this will bring me back into the normal range that I usually inhabit and I’d like to get to that quickly (at that point I won’t have the dread at seeing friends and family that I have now, being bigger than I’ve ever been, and i won’t feel as inclined to hide away. Also, I will have clothes that fit!). Beyond that I want to think more long term about overhauling my relationship with food, and a slow loss would be fine if it’s sustainable.

Tomorrow my sisters are coming for a roast chicken lunch. Not seen them in ages and ages. I’m going to go very easy on the potatoes and eat mostly veg. And skip pudding. But I’m not cooking different foods for me. That is not sustainable and I’m not doing it any more! I feel empowered just making that decision 💪🏻

Hope you’ve all had a good day

Can I join in also? 41 and 14 stone, help!

Hi all, I'm all planned and ready to go with SW tomorrow. I've just made a realistic weightloss prediction chart and aim to be within the healthy weight range by end of October. Just got to make it happen now 😬

@SecretSpAD, l have never met you but l know for certain that you are not grotesque. You might have a weight problem but l bet you have a lovely smile, pretty hair and a nice face. Please look in the mirror and affirm this to yourself. Also, please tell yourself the good things that your family and friends love about you. Dress to accentuate your good points in clothes that really suit you then, when you are ready, you can tackle the weight problem. If we were to listen to many people, it would seem as if being overweight was more of a crime than mass murder! It isn't. It is a part of us not our whole.