Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

Several votes for Noom here. I want to know how it works!

Gosh, this resonates so much with me. I am 6 st overweight right now, and heavier than I was at the end of my pregnancies. I am 46 and I ache, my knees hurt and I am seriously worried that my worsening fatigue might be an indication of diabetes...

I am highly educated and in a senior work role but I don’t feel ‘the part’ at all. I was much more confident in my work 10 years ago, and my weight is the major contribution to my loss of confidence.

I’ve been overweight all my adult life but for 20 years I was about 3st above my ideal weight and fairly stable. Actually, I looked and felt okay.... I wasn’t happy with myself but i didn’t think about it constantly, and I didn’t feel that my weight would be the only thing about me that anyone noticed. Now I truly feel that it defines me and it’s holding me back. In my career, in my marriage and socially. I am especially dreading the world opening up as lockdown has not been kind to me and I’m dreading facing MIL everyone.

I know it’s shortening my life and compromising my quality of life but I just can’t stop overeating . I especially binge on chocolate, to a shameful extent.

I think part of my problem is that I know diets can work for me in the short term. I’d never really dieted until I was between pregnancies in my late 30s. Lost 4st with SW (gained it all again after #2). Weirdly, the damage that did was make me much less careful about gaining weight again - because I knew I could lose it again if I wanted to. Except it isn’t that easy to get my head back in the zone. I’ve yo-yo’d ever since (including trying VLCD /fasting) but the general trend has been upwards .

I completely identified with what @MSQuinn said - I have two DC with autism, my littlest’s issues only became evident late last year, and when that hit me I hit the food. With work and very high needs children, there’s been nothing left for me. But I also worry every single day about leaving my children. They need me so much.

So.

I need to get a grip. First, thank you to OP to starting this thread and articulating so well how so many of us feel and struggle. And to so many kind and generous posters. It does help to feel
I’m not alone.

I need to lose the weight but I need to change my whole mindset about food and I’m not sure a diet is going to do it. I’m going to look at some of the books and podcasts recommended on here. In the meantime I am going to do this:

1. Buy new make-up. I need to Invest in feeling good about myself now, not wait till I reach the promised land. I actually had a big splurge on this last week, it arrived today. Yay.

1. Use said make-up every day. Not necessarily a full pancake but just enough to even out my complexion and a bit of colour via lipgloss. I want to feel more polished. Even if I’m not going to see anyone, because it’s for me to feel better!

1. I’ve bought some clothes in my fat size. Not lots, because I do hope to start fitting into some of my lovely clothes. But in the meantime, I need trousers for work that fit. And a couple of lovely kimono tops that skim bumps and will fit me at a variety of sizes.

1. I need to tidy and declutter enough to get a cleaner back. My home stresses me out at the moment. I’m a bit of a clutter bug but (usually) keep a clean house. Not had a cleaner since last March, and with working full time, and with my ASD kids mostly at home (who are exceedingly messy and also terrified of the vacuum cleaner)... it’s all grim. And the state of my head and my environment are very interconnected.

1. I need to book the dentist. I know I have a big problem with a couple of teeth that I’ve been ignoring through lockdown. And the thought of going to the dentist and being judged for the tooth decay AND my size was so intimidating I’ve just buried my head in maltesers the sand

1. I need to go cold turkey on the chocolate, if nothing else. It’s a proper addiction and it will see me into an early grave

1. Other than that, I think I’m going to really try to cut out refined carbs and snacks, and just eat normal food, at sensible portions, at mealtimes. Food is a big issue in my house - DC are very fussy, eat very few of the same things as each other, DH also a little fussy... I cook far too many different and tweaked meals as it is. DH can’t cook at all. I need to keep it simple and concentrate on finding things we can eat together, not make it harder. But I don’t think meals are a great problem really, it’s everything else I eat!

I’d love a support thread for people in the same 5-ish stone position, if anyone wants to do that!

Thanks very much to everyone for sharing your stories.

@mermaidsariel

Several votes for Noom here. I want to know how it works!

Noom works by basic calorie counting but it teaches you that no food is off limits, if you want chocolate cake then have it but make sure it's in your daily allowance but also makes you question if you really need the chocolate cake, surely there's better food choices to make. Also daily lessons about the psychology of weight loss, why we over eat etc. You log your daily intake of food, weigh in every day to show that weight does go up and down all the time. You have a support group that message/post regularly and you have a coach that messages you each week.

It's really interesting and I like it, I kinda like the accountability of it, I'm paying for this so I need to do it don't I?

Have you tried the virtual gastric band hypnosis app? I sont know how it works but it does.

I only managed weight loss when I stopped thinking of it as a mountain to climb and started taking small steps.

One week at a time, little changes. It all has an impact, you'll start seeing results, and that'll spur you on. No need to go hungry, just make healthy choices.

The first bit is the hardest.

It’s worth reading Downsizing by Tom Watkins. He’s the mp that lost 7 stone. It’s not temporary “diets” you need but a life reset. Otherwise it doesn’t stay off.

The changes I made aren’t temporary. I will always need to be conscious of what I eat. I will always fast 16/8 in the week and use breakfast plates for my food and do cardio exercise most days. But at 46 no other way to stay a size 10. I still have cake chocolate wine crisps only less of them and less often weekends only.

I so agree that the first bit is the hardest. There are many on here who have lost weight before so we know we can do it, but starting it is so so difficult. (Keeping it off is a whole other matter, I never ever thought I would 'go back' but I have, and I don't know how it happened)

HalfWomanHalfChocolate that was such a heartfelt post. We can do it!

(I weigh myself only once a week and just about to get on the scales and I am so hopeful that I'm not disappointed)

@BreathingDeep Thanks for starting this thread - it totally chimes with me and I could have written your first post. @HalfShrunkMoreToGo Your spreadsheet is a thing of beauty and I'm going to transfer my pathetic paper stuck in fridge record of how I've lost and gained the same few pounds since xmas to something like that and try again!
I lost 5 stones a few years ago and was down to a normal BMI and a size 10 from a size 20. I did it with low carb and exercise. While I loved loads of aspects of being slim I did find the frequent commentary on my weight loss from others difficult tbh. My face looked loads different at my slimmest and a few comments at how I'd gone to far and it didn't suit my face knocked me for six. So I am now 6 stones heavier and back to a size 20 and again dreading summer as it's so grim when this size.
So like you I've tried to go deep and work out why on Earth I can't do this for myself and crack this issue in the same way I approach the rest of my life. I do think it's connected with procrastinating of which I am the Queen. And also catastrophising and letting an off day derail me. I'll start again tomorrow after I've just had this load of wine, cheese and cake, I'll start again On the first of the month, I'll start again after that event/nice item of food is gone/random other thing that is always there acting as an excuse! My motivation seems very fragile and I also find that dredging up any internal willpower hard and am much more able to focus when I am going to let some down, or get in trouble or look awful in front of people - so I am definitely externally motivated. It's been an issue in all sorts of ways my whole life and even though I am nearing 50 and in have high levels of responsibility you will find me pulling an all nighter to get something completed that I've had months to do. It's just part of who I am and connected to my self-esteem. If i had a friend who was this unhappy about their weight and asked for help I would 100% help them and feel motivated to do so. Anyway, I feel very at home and would love to join the professional ambitious fatties! All of the success stories are brilliant to see, well done those of you who've cracked it.

Important to remember too that it's not a question of getting from A to B. It's not that you will only feel better when you have lost 5 stones. You'll feel better with every few pounds, and that in itself will help motivate you in to the next few pounds.
When you notice that your bra doesn't pinch.
When you notice that you have less sweat rash under your boobs, belly.
When you find it easier to wipe yourself after the toilet (sorry, TMI but let's face it, I speak the truth)
When you can fit a special ring that you outgrew 10 yrs ago back onto a finger.
When your knickers don't roll down onto your c-section scar anymore, but sit over your belly. (Why does this always happen at the worst moment)
When you just pull the seatbelt once before clicking, instead of hefting it three times to get it over.
Losing weight is a scale, every little bit helps. If this happens after I've lost 5 pounds, what will happen if I lose 10!

This is me. I'm the fattest, unfittest I have ever been and I hate it. I'm going through menopause and this last year has been disastrous for me weight wise. My wedding ring doesn't fit me any more, I get out of breath walking and all my joints hurt. I can't even cut my toe nails easily any more because my belly gets in the way. I am totally and utterly miserable with this aspect of my life and I have come to realise that I punish myself by eating even more.

I decided to join slimming world and got weighed last night, I actually cried when I saw my weight. I am so fucking miserable, but I just want to get healthier. I've got a wedding to look forward to in August and if I can lose a couple of stone by then I shall be delighted. I've got about 8 to lose in total, but I just can't look at that right now. It's going to have to be a week at a time for me.

I did love the spreadsheet posted earlier, so may have to do something like that. My first goal is to get under 40 bmi.

Feeling pretty shit right now, I have no one but myself to blame and there is only me who can put it right. Nowhere else to go but up now.

Cissy everything you say is true for me too - I also end up pulling all nighters a lot. I too procrastinate.

It’s so weird - I would not have said that I had poor self-esteem, other than in regards to my weight and appearance. But perhaps I do? How do I know? How do I work out cause and effect? Argh!

And Tiger, you are completely right. I should stick your post on my fridge!

I was all motivated when I got up this morning. 20 mins with the Senco pouring out my worries about my 3-yr old and I’ve come home and eaten two slice of toast with butter and peanut butter. Argh again!

What a great thread. Despite many of us feeling a bit frustrated and even overwhelmed by our weight it's comforting (?) to feel that we are not alone in our struggles. I have carried this mental and physical load my whole life and as with many others it impacts every aspect of my life and day to day existence. Trying to explain to my slim best friend that virtually every thought in every day will have something to do with my weight and appearance and the negative mind set that brings. In 2019/20 I managed to drop nearly 4 stones and was beginning to feel a more acceptable size. But lockdown 1 saw over a stone regain very quickly , followed by another since. I met my new DP when at my slimmest - but still very overweight. I'm definitely not hoping to lose weight again specifically for him but there is a niggle in my head that if my weight continues to go back up it may be a problem in the future. I am frustrated that many of the clothes that I bought are currently hanging in the wardrobe unable to be worn. Since Christmas I have lost and regained the same 7 lbs but I need to tackle this for ME. I would be really happy to be part of a thread where we support each other.

@Harpydragon, I can sympathise with the menopause impact. I feel like I have to eat virtually nothing in order to lose anything at the moment.
@HalfWomanHalfChocolate, I would say that in general my self esteem issues are pretty much solely focused on my weight and appearance. To the outside world I probably look happy, smiley and confident. If I learnt anything from the process of losing 4 stones though is not to lose a whole day because of one slip up. Now that you have had the toast , compensate or balance it out with a lighter lunch/dinner.
I find my absolute worst time to be evenings . There seems to be enough to do and distract me in the daytime but by evening I am in the classic territory of mindless snacking/rewarding for being 'good'. I really struggle to get through without eating. I'm rarely hungry, I just want the snacks.

Tigertulip that is a great post. I agree with all of that.

I love a bath occasionally instead of a shower, and I honestly feel like the bath has shrunk.
No, it hasn't.
I've just got fatter.

I've downloaded couch to 5K and did the first day today, so I am pleased with myself.

We all know how great it is to feel like we're eating well, losing weight, getting fitter... it's a fantastic feeling.
Go away demon crap food..

i can really identify with this. i was really shocked when i finally weighed myself at the end of last year and was 6 stone above my 'normal' adult weight. i realise that menopause, disability, life, bereavement etc may have contributed to the weight gain i but those aren't reasons to cause harm to myself with food. i really want to take back control and start to feel happier with myself.

i (re)signed up to MFP on 1st January, set my calories to 1200 and i log everything. i have good days and bad but when i have a day where i end up mindlessly eating, rather than give up totally i try to get back on track the next day.

i'm currently a pound off a 2 stone loss now so its going very slowly but it IS going. i'd like to lose another 3 stone.

i have noticed that my hips don't hurt now and walking up stairs is easier. i'm limited with exercise due to disability which is frustrating but after losing the first few pounds i felt more motivated. also, i weigh myself daily and keep track of it on an app which seems to help in a weird way as it makes me see the bigger picture and that weight loss really isn't in a straight line.

its bloody hard hating yourself for being overweight when you know what you need to do about it but just can't seem to take those first steps. i'm hopefully going to keep plodding on.

I agree with fasting . Been doing it 10 days . Not weighed my self yet but can feel the difference

Morning all,

I'm absolutely blown away by the wonderfulness on here - so much inspiration. But I'm also heartbroken that so many of us are living half a life right now, because how we see ourselves is holding us back in every possible way. This isn't right is it? Talk about doing ourselves a disservice, and those around us because we're not embracing life with them.

So many of your stories I could have written.
babypinkelephant oh God yes, I have almost NO clothes for the size I am, and I've been refusing to buy any because I'm so certain I'l change. I'm also a devil for ordering things that arrive and don't fit, but I hang onto them because they will fit, yet it's still been enough of an incentive to stop bad choices. This is madness.

molojoko thank you - you are so right. My internal voice is cruel and relentless, and this has to change. Interestingly, when I'm actively making good choices, that voice gets quieter. I have no idea why I stop and invite her back. Your kindness really touched me, thank you.

Ditto for you swimmingoneggshells, thank you for the encouragement.

Halfshrunk, thank you for the spreadsheet - I'm practically quivering with excitement!

Laaaaa, Edna, Youmeanyouvelostyourkey, PetraRabbit, I hear you. Come and be part of our gang.

DiKateFleming serious high five for you there! Honestly, it's so hard to break those connections (DD's activity = treat) so this is awesome!

Sheldonesque oh my love yes, the cloak of invisibility which comes with a side order of shame. We all get it, you're in good company.

HalfWoman LOVE this post! Like so many others, I could written your words - they ALL range true. My job, from the outside, is quite glam and I absolutely don't feel like I fit. I love your plans - you CAN and WILL do this, we'll help to hold you to account if that would help?

cissyandbessy yes, yes, yes! Procrastination, catastrophising, defeat... these are all our routes to staying the same because we're in fear of tackling this huge thing in our lives. But we can, and we will - we'll cheer you on!

Tigertulip you are SO right. This is about making changes that will make us feel positive every step of the way - I actually don't know how much I want to lose, just that I want to feel better, and with every pound that comes off, I'm closer to where I want to be.

Harpydragon you've started, and that's amazing. And crying at the scales - we've all done that. BUT, you won't ever need to see that number on the scales again. It's gone, and the only way forward is better...

Onesmallstep yes, yes, yes. It's impossible to describe how all encompassing stressing about your weight is to someone who's never had to deal with it.

There are so many common themes among us all - how we feel our weight defines us, how we use it to hide, how we know it holds us back from living the life we want to. I know I have spent so many years prioritising other people's needs that I've totally lost sight of my own and actually, I struggle to know what mine are, but I do know that I feel better when I treat myself well and turn down the volume on the voice that continually tells me I'm shit and fat and useless.

So today, before I started work I went out for a dog walk in the sunshine, with a podcast, and it felt like a holiday! I drove to a nearby woods, and dog and I had the marvellous yomp through the trees, and I've closed the rings on my new watch (I may have been influenced by some of you on here) and so it feels like I've started the day winning.

Yesterday, I switched out milky coffee for tea and drank more water. Today I've already walked 3.5km, drunk loads of water and am in a better mindset to make good choices. I'm going to go and put on some make up in a mo and squirt some perfume too.

What one thing can you pledge to do that will make you feel better? It doesn't have to be weight related, just something that will make you walk taller?

As I sit here catching up I am waiting for my hair dye to develop - just touching up my roots so that I feel as good as I can. I am going out with a friend tonight for dinner - first Out Out occasion in months. She’s another ASD mum and has had a hard lockdown (skinny though!). We need to download to each other. I’m going to eat what I want of the savoury food but skip pudding and the bread basket. I’m not a big drinker so one glass will do anyway.

Tomorrow I am taking DD to ballet, might try to do a fast walk for 45 mins while she’s in there, maybe rope a mum friend in too. No scenic possibilities, unfortunately, but every little helps.

I need to sort my messy bedroom out and need to cull some clothes. How can I have so, so, many and literally almost nothing to wear??!! I need to get rid of some of my ‘thin’ clothes too, I simply have more stuff than storage. But It’s very hard to know what to do when i have 3 different sizes of clothes and, at different times, need them all .

I’d love to stay ‘together’ and support each other to just get going in the right direction. I never talk about this IRL with anyone. I am the fattest person I know, and probably with the most disordered eating. I feel way too much shame to talk about it and doubt anyone IRL would understand anyway. Thanks to everyone again for sharing.

For me the thing that makes the biggest difference is getting some exercise. Both physically and mentally I feel so much better, even if is just a 30 minute walk at lunchtime. Plus I tend to make much better food choices afterwards so I don't spoil all my hard work! I've just finished week 1 of couch 2 5k. It took me two months to get over my fear of exercising in public but now I have started I am loving it!

@RaisinforBeing

I have a sticker on my fridge that says;

Losing weight is hard
Being fat is hard
Pick your hard

That’s a good thought to bear in mind 👍🏻

I used to get hungry shakey before lunch. If I eat nothing I don’t and feel absolutely fine. Why has it taken me until 45 to work this out! Was a carb crash. I think we eat all wrong in our society

I used to take the shakiness as a sign that I wasn’t eating enough 🤣. I think you’re right, it was a carb crash.

I highly recommend The Last Diet by Shahroo Izadi. The book uses a method used to stop drug addiction, there are lots of mind maps to draw but I found the whole thing so helpful in why I overeat, how to appreciate my body and finally how to build my own diet taking into account everything that doesn’t work for you. For example, I hate writing down what I’ve eaten as it makes me feel restricted so I don’t. I’ve gone for an intuitive eating type plan, trying to eat as healthily as I can but I can have what I want.

This works for me as I only want chocolate when it’s restricted and I actually am enjoying the food I’m choosing. This might not work for someone else but they would get to choose their own approach.

The other thing it tackles is having a plan for difficult days and times - having something written down really helps

Omg is shakiness about carb crashes?! I thought it meant I was 'over-hungry' and needed to eat urgently, like a diabetic

I don't think it always is. I'm on a low-carb diet, so shouldn't get carb crashes, but yesterday, after I'd eaten hardly anything all day, I had uncontrollable shakes. I had to eat something quickly and had a glass of lemonade and felt fine within about 5 minutes but I can't say it was a carb crash.