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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

167 replies

Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 11:37

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 21/04/2021 11:40

If it works for your family and it's a good opportunity then why not?
Have you (as a family, not you as individual) thought about how the family home will run whilst you're away, for example childcare, wraparound care, your partner/husband's hours, what is in place if the children are unwell etc.

JungleIsMassive · 21/04/2021 11:41

Honestly it's really upto you and your partner. Doesn't matter what people n Mumsnet think. What do you think? Do you want the job? Is it worth being away for? Will the DCs be looked after well whilst your away? Is it worth the money? Will you enjoy the job? Will you enjoy spending a month at home?

Losttheequipment · 21/04/2021 11:41

Is their Dad around?

bilbodog · 21/04/2021 11:41

I suppose it may depend on what childcare you will have in place? Is dad involved and what he thinks and childrens ages?

Megan2018 · 21/04/2021 11:42

How old are the children?
Is the other parent always present?

One of our friends is an army husband-his wife is away frequently for long periods and he is primary carer. He works very part time around the children and does everything a mother traditionally does when a father works away.
It does affect the children in that they are much closer to their father than their mother. Nothing wrong with that but it is an impact.
They have had this set up since end of mat leave though so don’t know any different. It’s harder to introduce later.

UhtredRagnarson · 21/04/2021 11:43

As long as the other parent is on board and is happy to do the 4 weeks full time parenting I think you should try it. You can always stop if it isn’t working.

Rookw · 21/04/2021 11:44

I wouldn’t myself. My dad was away working when we were kids (but not so regularly as a month on and off) and we hated it. I know my kids wouldn’t like it (even the teens!) because they don’t like it when I’m away for the night - although I obviously do that without fear of damaging them in anyway!

LaTomatina · 21/04/2021 11:45

Personally I wouldn't want to do it while my children are young. Might consider it as a one-off, but not as a regular arrangement. But obviously it's up to you. If their father is able and willing to make it work, why not - as you say, plenty of men do similar.

katand2kits · 21/04/2021 11:50

You don't give the ages of your children, but if they are young then I don't think it is ok. Yes, I know some dads do it, and I don't think that is ideal either, but it is likely to be more upsetting for the children if it is their mother who is away for a month at a time.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/04/2021 11:51

It's a personal decision. I wouldn't want to myself but if it works for you. Is your partner going to be looking after the children and are they on board?

safariboot · 21/04/2021 11:51

The fact is nobody would bat an eyelid if the father did this.

Once the children are no longer breastfeeding, YANBU.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 11:55

I would tell my dh it’s not on if he suggested this, so I owe it to him not to consider the same. Of course if he assumed I was the house elf then it would be very tempting. (But I wouldn’t do it to the dc- id just fix dhs attitude problem)

Landofthefree · 21/04/2021 11:57

How old are children? Do you have a partner who will be around full time? Is this the only job that’s available for you?

YANBU to consider it

rainbowandglitter · 21/04/2021 11:59

So you'd be home every other month then away for every other month - so away for half a year? I couldn't do it but wouldn't judge anyone else that did.

How young is young children?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/04/2021 12:03

I wouldn’t but I also wouldn’t be ok with my husband doing this.

CutieBear · 21/04/2021 12:04

Do you live with your DC’s dad? I know couples where the dad works away from home and the mum works a job with normal hours, paying for childcare/after school clubs if needs be. If it’s acceptable for dads to work away, then it should be acceptable for mums too!

Stompythedinosaur · 21/04/2021 12:07

In honesty, I don't think it is ideal for dc to have either parent away for that long if it can be helped. If it can't be helped then they will be OK with their other parent.

It depends on age a bit, but 28 days is a very long time for young dc. You wouldn't be able to step back into being a primary carer straight away, the dc would need time to adjust.

NuttyinNotts · 21/04/2021 12:09

Would you actually have way more time with them when you're home? Because most childcare places wouldn't let you remove them for a month on and a month off. Or if they are school age, then your month on, month off schedule may not line up nicely with school holidays and you end up missing large portions of those as well.

GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 12:13

They need their primary secure attachment figure to be there consistently. If that's not you it should be fine. If equal attachment with your partner and can transition to him/her being the primary attachment should also be fine. But let's not kid ourselves, this set up is unlikely to be ideal for most families.

sandybeaches74 · 21/04/2021 12:14

I work away sometimes with my job, before children for weeks at a time but since I've had them, only for the odd couple of nights here and there. Personally I wouldn't do a month on, month off, it's just too long in the world of a child, they don't perceive time like we do.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2021 12:15

It's fine as long as they have a parent around who is able to do everything. My husband works away a lot so my job is flexible and I manage around childcare. I'd find it very stressful when he's away if I was working full time but that's just me.

anxietyanonymous · 21/04/2021 12:16

I don't think it's unreasonable just because you are a mother. As many fathers do this.

It depends on your family set up, how your partner feels about it and the age of your kids. What will you doing this be able to unlock for your family financially? (Presuming its lucrative and is worth it). What are the alternatives? To be honest its harder for the parent who stays home then the one who goes away. It will take a really strong relationship and great comms to constantly redistribute workloads and chores etc.

It means when you are home you are not working at all and totally dedicated to them which is great.

Also make sure you factor in travel time.
Also if you do 28 consecutive 12 hour night shifts (like many do on rigs) then you are a waste of space on getting home
For the First 24-48 hours. My friend just makes plans as normal and pretends her DH is still away for the first day or two. Just so your partner is aware 28 days might be more like 30-32 depending on travel etc.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2021 12:16

Our set up works well for us too as my husband earns a lot of flexi time when he travels which he saves for the school holidays.

Everyday21 · 21/04/2021 12:16

Theres no way I would but it's a very personal decision

Whoopsies · 21/04/2021 12:19

It's totally a personal choice. I will say that my dad worked away when I was a child, sun-friday every week. I totally understand now that it was so that he could provide for his family, but when I was little I hated it and missed him. Then as I grew older I became more indifferent about it and we are not at all close now.