AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

[Avacadoandtoast]

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

Oh So this is the thread that the 1950s forgot, judging by some of the thread. The OP would do well to ignore those comments.

I wouldn't consider it but I also wouldn't accept dh doing it. Might work for other families though.

This is not a simple YABU vs YANBU.

I personally could not do it. I would miss my kids too much. Also when you travel a lot you miss things.

My DH travels for work a lot and so far he has missed the first ballet concert, and the second, the first school concert, and a number of other things. As someone whose dad also travelled for work. I can assure you the kids notice.

It also causes a lot of stress for me as the parent left to do all the work when he is not here. I know it was a major pressure point on my parents marriage too.

You’ll want to have a very strong relationship and to have things in place to make sure he copes while you are gone. The hardest part for me is that as it isn’t “regular” it’s hard to set things up to run smoothly when he is gone.

I know people who make it work for them more successfully where he is away regularly by doing things like her not working full time but the kids being in school/daycare full time. But that has taken a lot of compromise on her side.

Those are tiny dc too.

It wouldn't work for me personally but everyone's circumstances are different aren't they? As others have said, if you have childcare that works around it and it's a good opportunity for you, then it's worth considering

I don’t think it’s anything to do with attitudes being from the 1950s. I know that’s a fashionable accusation to throw out around here. I think there are repercussions from being away so much - for the children and for you and DH. My Dad worked offshore - either 2 on 2 off or 3 on 3 off. I think this was from about me being 8 years old. I did get used to him being away that’s correct but I didn’t really get used to him coming back that was the problem. My brother and I had to do a lot of stuff without either parent because my mum worked shifts as a nurse so a parent who goes away and then comes back and tries to impose their way of working was just resented by me. I guess it didn’t work for my mum either because they only survived a couple of years before getting divorced. ( she met someone else). My dad has missed a lot of my childhood and we don’t have a very close relationship now. I wonder if he considers it was worth it ?

I don’t think it’s anything to do with attitudes being from the 1950s. I know that’s a fashionable accusation to throw out around here
I do when people are saying it's worse if it's mum, describing men who do their fair share of parenting as very 'modern' (rather than a basic expectation of an adult someone chose to have children with), that mums are inherently the main parent by virtue of being mums, dads are only substitutes etc.

I wouldn't make the choice to work away and I wouldn't want DH to work away for long periods regularly, but plenty of people do and they make it work. Of course it won't work for some, but hen there's thousands of children who aren't happy with both parents at home. I draw the line at people telling the OP she's being selfish and going to traumatise her children.

@LolaSmiles

I don’t think it’s anything to do with attitudes being from the 1950s. I know that’s a fashionable accusation to throw out around here I do when people are saying it's worse if it's mum, describing men who do their fair share of parenting as very 'modern' (rather than a basic expectation of an adult someone chose to have children with), that mums are inherently the main parent by virtue of being mums, dads are only substitutes etc.

I wouldn't make the choice to work away and I wouldn't want DH to work away for long periods regularly, but plenty of people do and they make it work. Of course it won't work for some, but hen there's thousands of children who aren't happy with both parents at home. I draw the line at people telling the OP she's being selfish and going to traumatise her children.

I used the term 'modern' but you've twisted my words. I certainly didn't say men doing their fair share of parenting was 'modern' . A poster declared that her and her partner had equal responsibilities for and bonds with their children. I replied 'very modern'. What I meant by that was, how can you really know you have equal bonds with your children. You can't ask them and receive a truthful answer. There's more to it than who puts you to bed and reads you a story. Yes in some cases a child has a stronger bond with their father but I still maintain most young children naturally have a stronger bond with their mother. The person that gave birth to them. And you can sort the best childcare in the world, but most young children would be devastated to have their mother leave them for a month at a time, every other month. I would have been. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.

Yes, how very 1950s to think that a parent being away from a 1 year old six months out of the year might be damaging for the child... 🙄

We actually have plenty of studies now about attachment in young children. About the harm caused by removing one of the primary care givers from a young child.

I was diplomatic about it and said I didn’t think it was necessarily selfish, although these was the description given for the YABU vote (and maybe why the vote is so split). But actually thinking on it more I do think it’s selfish. If it’s not the only option available to this family, I think it’s selfish, whether it’s the mother or the father. Young children need consistency and stability. The risk that a 1 year old would end up with insecure attachment due to this set up is far too high to be ignored.

Surely the "you'll damage the uniquely strong maternal bond!" posts are a tiny minority of the responses. Far more people, replying positively or negatively, have said it doesn't matter if it's mum or dad, their response is the same.

If your partner is the primary carer and feels very happy about it all then it could work.

If your partner is unhappy at being left for a month alone, then it’s not ok. It’s difficult to maintain a relationship like that and can really suck as the person left behind. My husband was only away for the majority of each week and I hated it. I resented it. I never agreed to it either and he knows I don’t see that as something that suits our family. However, there are other factors too, we’d just moved so had no friends or family in the area (I had to do all the unpacking and have so far only redecorated myself really), if he’d chipped in huge amounts when home and made it lovely then I guess it could have been ok. He didn’t, he just shirked responsibilities and let me feel overwhelmed. It also affected his relationship with our son.

However, if you are someone who’d do it all for the 28 days you’re back and make a real effort and your partner is exciting for you and up for it, then it’s totally fine. Plenty of families where someone works away that do make it work, but I think it’s so dependent on the people involved in each individual situation.

And while we can all bleat about women and careers, I’m afraid Mother Nature has made the mother the most important primary caregiver, like it or not. Dads can be a substitute, a good one, but they’re still only a substitute.

Bloody hell, are people still spouting this crap??

The fact that you are a mother isnt really what drives my answer.

I know it works for some people but neither DH or I would want to work away from our two young kids routinely, we would miss them. Perhaps we would feel differently if refusing to do so would kill our careers but I think we wouldnt choose careers that require that, it's just not our choice. DH occasionally has to go away for work but its infrequent (2 or3 times a year) and managed so that I can step up and be around more for the children eg for childcare pick ups at both ends of the day, when he is away.

I think for one parent to be away so much the other needs to be around a lot to compensate.

I think it also matters who is usually the primary care giver. If it's usually you, it might be quite a difficult transition for young kids getting used to Dad doing more. But I'm sure they would get used to that eventually.

My kids are the same age as yours OP and I personally just can't imagine leaving them so much but everyone feels differently about it.

Is this a good career move for you which will benegit the family long term

Are you confident there is safe and appropriate childcare in place

Are you going somewhere with Internet where you can FaceTime etc?

If the answers to all are yes why the Hell wouldn’t you?

most young children naturally have a stronger bond with their mother. The person that gave birth to them.
And you can sort the best childcare in the world, but most young children would be devastated to have their mother leave them for a month at a time, every other month.

I do sort of agree with this albeit to a limited extent. most women do take even a few weeks of maternity leave, and that time together with months carrying the baby, often creates a different bond. DD has had her dad at home all through lockdown and is far less of a mummy's girl than her older brother as a result - in fact she's quite the daddy's girl, yet still if she's poorly, ONLY mummy is acceptable. In most cases social changes can't 100% compensate for the biological facts that generally mum carries baby for 9m and is most often the primary care giver if only by a small margin.

I think it's better to do it now than when the children are older.
I've been an expat and it's much easier with young children than when they get older.
As long as your partner is ok with it, I'd do it as long as a you could cope with the tears when you leave.