AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

[Avacadoandtoast]

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

If you have childcare arrangements that you're happy with, then why not. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you and your DH are happy with it.

I do get irritated with people who say things like "I couldn't go away without the kids. I miss them too much"

While at the same time complaining their DH goes away with the lads.

I think the 4 on 4 off would be the problem, not working away, or you being the mum. It will be very unsettling for the children. Lot's of childcare when Dad's working, him having to do everything so little time left for the kids. You can just about manage this when both parents are at home.
My dh used to work away, but we always accompanied him, for years, it was fun.

Where do the children go for childcare at the moment, if you both work full-time? Assume if it is nursery/pre-school you would not catch up on the time missed by seeing them in school hours in the months you are home. Do you have any say in the rotation? I am thinking that depending on the timing you would either miss a huge chunk of the summer holidays or have a large part of the summer holiday at home.

My DH used to work away when the DCs were small and I hated it. As an adult I found it unsettling to get used to my own routine to then adjusting to accomodate another adult and back again. DS found it very unsettling, when he was very small he was a little bit akward with DH when he first came back while he familiarised himself with his dad again. When DH left he would get terrible separation anxiety and play up at nursery.

He had left the armed forces before we had a family so this job involved less travel but it was still too much. I think if it had gone on for much longer then it would have destroyed our marriage and his bond with his DCs. Luckily DH was able to change jobs before DS2 was born.

@Avacadoandtoast

Thank you everyone for such honest feedback - I did ask for it!

To answer a few questions - the kids would be 1 and 4. I live with my husband (their father) and he is a very hands on dad, I would say we are very equal in our parenting just now as we both currently work full time so we share the workload in the house as well as bringing up our kids.

We are very lucky in that they also have very loving grandparents who are also very hands on.

I think a couple of you hit the nail on the head...I am a bit uncomfortable about it, but I think it’s because I am worried about what people will think rather than if it would affect the children, I actually think they would be ok with it. I also worry that I won’t be the one they run to for a cuddle anymore, though it is lovely to hear from many of you that isn’t the case.

The job wouldn’t be forever, maybe 2/3years - anyway, thank you for your feedback, much appreciated.

You have a one year old baby and you’re considering this Sorry but I think that’s awful. Your baby is too young to have any understanding and being fully there for four weeks and then disappearing for four will be traumatic for them to say the least. And yes, I’d say the same to a dad considering this. You will probably cause severe attachment issues for your youngest child at least. I’m all for women maintaining their careers on an equal footing with men after kids but honestly, your baby is one...this is horrible

It’s a very personal decision, but what you’ve said about your husband’s equal role makes me think it would be ok.

Be prepared for him to fall into the role of primary caregiver though, and the one they go to. If you wouldn’t like that, maybe that’s a reason not to.

I think this would be very unsettling particularly for the younger one as they would get used to having you there all the time and then you would leave.

Now that we know the ages they are way too young... 1 and 4, nope...

5 and 8 maybe... teens probably yes

I wouldn´t unless dire starvation and poverty was the consequence of not doing it. I think a month is a long long long time in child time frames, and even more when it´s mum.

I actually think it would be worse if they were older, the 5-11 age range particularly.

I think under the age of three, it has the risk of a long-term effect on their ability to bond/feel secure. Some kids would be fine, others wouldn't.

I think in cases where the dad does this, eg forces families, usually they are not an equal or primary caregiver at any point and the mother is often SAHM. So the loss is different. However you're talking about taking away at least 50% of their current support structure. Assuming your husband works and they're in childcare, they'll also see other kids with their mums/both parents and won't understand why you're an anomaly.

I would judge a father who made this choice if they had another one, but I think it is something I would absolutely avoid. You run the risk of seriously damaging your bond with your children and possibly even their ability to form bonds with others.

I looked up this academic study:

academic.oup.com/occmed/article/59/5/310/1410822

'It is clear that a system in which a worker is engaged in work in a relatively isolated community for 2 weeks at a time, followed by 2 weeks time off at home, could predictably be associated with problems for the family unit. Indeed, at one time, the term ‘intermittent husband syndrome’ was coined to summarize the overall picture [39]. Areas of difficulty for the spouse at home include social isolation (sometimes to the extent of feeling like, and being treated like, an intermittent widow), lack of support in home decisions, concern for the offshore partner's safety, the uptake of work by the home spouse and child-rearing issues [27,39]. However, the most difficult issue appears to be the significant and repeated mutual adaptation required upon the return of the offshore partner every 2 weeks [39]. This is 2-fold, with the home partner sometimes resenting the intrusion of a husband who tries to take over when she has been taking all the decisions and managing well for 2 weeks, or conversely, the tendency of some offshore workers to return onshore exhausted and not participating in home life at all for the first few days. A picture of edginess/resentment upon return, followed by a period of ‘normality’ and then a shorter period of ‘pre-departure edginess’ again, seems commonplace [39]. Reports of the anticipation of departure being much worse than the actual absence are also found (a feeling probably not peculiar to the offshore industry, but common in any career where periodic absence occurs). Of particular interest is the very high concern expressed by spouses about the safety of their offshore partner even despite the major strides in safety improvement in the last two decades [39].

Issues with children seem to show a biphasic pattern, with very young and late teenagers causing most concern. The former become distressed by the parental absence (and may show signs of rejection when the offshore parent does return), while the older ones may adopt a distant attitude. At the other extreme, it is clear that for some families, the routine absence of one parent is seen as engendering independence and resilience in the children. '

Given their ages, it would be a definite no from me. When my eldest was 1, I was in university full time (teaching degree so really was full time) and that was hard enough. She was definitely a mummy’s girl even though we were living at my parents’ house so there were actually four adults highly featuring in her life. She was very emotionally attached to me and DH has always been a very hands on, 50/50 spilt dad. She still is now and she’s 7yo.

Long periods of separation from parents for children under the age of 3 is not recommended by child psychologists. It risks interference with the maternal bond and that can be very problematic. You could do a bit of research into attachment theory and child development and see what you think?

And while we can all bleat about women and careers, I’m afraid Mother Nature has made the mother the most important primary caregiver, like it or not. Dads can be a substitute, a good one, but they’re still only a substitute.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

You might believe that and it might be your reality, but you don’t speak for others.

Many other people don’t believe that mothers have a stronger bond simply because they’re mothers.

I for one, have a stronger bond with my father and for my DC it’s equal. Not ‘modern’ just normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

To everyone saying "if they were in the armed forces they'd be deployed so this is fine"... I wouldn't join the forces either or have children with someone in the forces. Obviously different families make different personal calculations, but for me and DH, being regularly available for our children is a priority when we make our career decisions. I am glad that we consider lifestyle as well as money/prestige as I think it makes a big difference to our QOL.

And while we can all bleat about women and careers, I’m afraid Mother Nature has made the mother the most important primary caregiver, like it or not. Dads can be a substitute, a good one, but they’re still only a substitute.

Utter, utter bullshit. Get back in the kitchen won’t you.

Well men do it !
And many women that I know in the industry
Yanbu if you can make it work

Beyond breastfeeding, if a mother choses to do it, there is absolutely no reason why a father can’t be the primary caregiver.

My friend died of breast cancer last year, leaving a 4,3 and 2 year old. I wonder if they consider their Dad as ‘only a substitute’?

Offensive rubbish.

Also yes husband will have 4 heavy weeks
But you will also be there for 4 solid weeks

It’s tough , but
Millions of people do this in the energy sector

Life isn’t perfect and easy for all families

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

Long periods of separation from parents for children under the age of 3 is not recommended by child psychologists. It risks interference with the maternal bond and that can be very problematic. You could do a bit of research into attachment theory and child development and see what you think?

And while we can all bleat about women and careers, I’m afraid Mother Nature has made the mother the most important primary caregiver, like it or not. Dads can be a substitute, a good one, but they’re still only a substitute.

The 1950s would like you back.

I don't think this is a good idea for men or women with children to do.

And women are only primary caregivers because our society makes them so - there are tribes where men look after the children and they're very good at it.

To be honest, it all depends what your other options are. As well as on what your partner feels about it and the arrangements the two of you would put in place for when you are away. I don't think anyone would argue this working pattern is ideal for anyone, but it depends how much choice you actually have.

I think it’s easier when the children are younger, as long as the stay at home parent is on board and has adequate support.

I know loads of people who have been in this situation and the children are well adjusted with a good relationship with both parents.

Depends a lot on the attitude of the parents. So, if the ‘away’ parent prefers being away and doesn’t parent well at home, that’s a problem. Or if the ‘home’ parent is resentful, also doesn’t work.

@GoWalkabout

I looked up this academic study:

academic.oup.com/occmed/article/59/5/310/1410822

'It is clear that a system in which a worker is engaged in work in a relatively isolated community for 2 weeks at a time, followed by 2 weeks time off at home, could predictably be associated with problems for the family unit. Indeed, at one time, the term ‘intermittent husband syndrome’ was coined to summarize the overall picture [39]. Areas of difficulty for the spouse at home include social isolation (sometimes to the extent of feeling like, and being treated like, an intermittent widow), lack of support in home decisions, concern for the offshore partner's safety, the uptake of work by the home spouse and child-rearing issues [27,39]. However, the most difficult issue appears to be the significant and repeated mutual adaptation required upon the return of the offshore partner every 2 weeks [39]. This is 2-fold, with the home partner sometimes resenting the intrusion of a husband who tries to take over when she has been taking all the decisions and managing well for 2 weeks, or conversely, the tendency of some offshore workers to return onshore exhausted and not participating in home life at all for the first few days. A picture of edginess/resentment upon return, followed by a period of ‘normality’ and then a shorter period of ‘pre-departure edginess’ again, seems commonplace [39]. Reports of the anticipation of departure being much worse than the actual absence are also found (a feeling probably not peculiar to the offshore industry, but common in any career where periodic absence occurs). Of particular interest is the very high concern expressed by spouses about the safety of their offshore partner even despite the major strides in safety improvement in the last two decades [39].

Issues with children seem to show a biphasic pattern, with very young and late teenagers causing most concern. The former become distressed by the parental absence (and may show signs of rejection when the offshore parent does return), while the older ones may adopt a distant attitude. At the other extreme, it is clear that for some families, the routine absence of one parent is seen as engendering independence and resilience in the children. '

Do you know what? This exactly reflects my experience of having a partner working away. I hadn't thought about it in these terms but it is spot on