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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

167 replies

Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 11:37

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/04/2021 12:20

I know a couple of actresses that do this quite a lot. Do you have really great childcare? Can your partner manage all the childcare while you are away?

InDubiousBattle · 21/04/2021 12:21

How old are the children? It's hard to say without knowing more specifics it but on the face of it no I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't want my dp to do it either.

Julbukk · 21/04/2021 12:21

I worked offshore when my two were little - 2 on 2 off though rather than 28/28. It worked fine until they went to school, then the school holidays were a bit tricky at times. The main reason I don’t now is because I was made redundant and oil and gas isn’t exactly stable right now. I work part time close to home, it’s ok and fits around the kids but I don’t have nearly the job satisfaction that I used to and I’m itching to get back to a career I love and have something for me again.

If it works for you and yours then go for it. I found I spent a lot of time justifying myself to people, as they were shocked I worked away. I remember posting on here years ago and being told I didn’t deserve my children, I loved my job more than the kids and the poster hoped my husband would meet someone more cut out for motherhood whilst I was offshore!

Mummytemping · 21/04/2021 12:22

My children would find this very hard and I wouldn’t even consider it (neither would my husband so not a sexist thing!) but I can think of other children who would be fine. I think it’s about their temperaments and also who is looking after them and how good they are at meeting your kids emotional needs if they are missing you.
Really only you can answer. All the best with your decision.

KnobJockey · 21/04/2021 12:24

I voted YABU, but that's not because you're a woman, but because I think kids deserve both parents to be a consistent part of their lives, and a month apart is not fair to them.

TheSandgroper · 21/04/2021 12:30

Four on/four off is a roster that few Australian miners are doing these days. It’s just too damaging mentally for all involved.

Find some Australian fifo Facebook pages and ask there. They will be the experts.

Dozycuntlaters · 21/04/2021 12:30

You haven't given enough details to vote either way really.

Is dad around
How old are they

Are the key things really.

loveheartss · 21/04/2021 12:30

for me, it would be dependent on how good the money was truthfully and if it was in any way worth sacrificing 6 months a year to be away from home.

I also wouldn't be overly impressed if my partner done this, unless he was brining home a significant amount of money that was improving our lives.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 21/04/2021 12:32

I couldn't be away from my DS that long and neither could DH. I think with young DC both parents should be around the majority of the time.

Incognitool · 21/04/2021 12:33

What does the person who would be picking up the slack with childcare, household chores, general family gruntwork etc and risking both being the default parents and the default family admin/appointments etc person, as you're only there sometimes while you're away think?

16purplecolour16 · 21/04/2021 12:33

Maybe the fact you’re asking here means you feel uncomfortable with being away from home.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/04/2021 12:37

I couldn't do it and wouldn't have liked DH to have a job like that either, so it is not a mum vs dad thing with me.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/04/2021 12:39

I had a family member who did this. It worked fine for their family. As you quite rightly say, if a man did this no one would question it.

Are you happy to do it? Is your partner happy for you to do it? If yes, go ahead.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/04/2021 12:43

It can work, however having been in a similar situation I would say think carefully, very carefully. They will get into a routine of doing things their way, which you will have to fit in with, the constant at home parent will be the one they automatically go to for help, a cuddle if they fall and so on.
How will you feel if you come home from your 4 weeks away and you have time to spend with them but they haven't got time to spend with you. By that I mean normal things like school, clubs seeing friends etc

mindutopia · 21/04/2021 12:47

I wouldn't personally be happy with doing this (for myself or dh) unless there were few other options or it was short term (a year). I do work away quite a bit. Sometimes I do come home, but it's just to sleep and I'm back out in the morning without seeing my dc. I used to do this 3 days a week. When life goes back to normal, ideally it will be 3 days away every other week. So I'll miss 4 overnights a month at home. This is fine and very manageable and works well for me.

I think the issue with 28 days on/28 days off is that you miss the quality down time in the evenings and weekends as well. But you don't necessarily make that up when you're home because your dc will presumably be in childcare/school, so you'll still only see them evenings and weekends. I think I'd be fine with being away in the week and home at the weekends one month on/one month off, but not for the full 28 days. I wouldn't be happy with dh doing that either.

emilyfrost · 21/04/2021 12:48

I think YABVU and it would be really unfair on your children. They need both parents around, so I’d say it whether you were mum or dad.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 21/04/2021 12:51

I know loads of dads who do this and no-one bats an eyelid generally, however it's not an ideal way to live. Their children miss them, one of the boys in particular that I know well struggles emotionally. I only know one mum who is able to work full-on in a 'career' job and that family gets loads of help from GPs. The other mums I know are very much SAHPs or working very part time.

I don't think it's a great family set up. But I would say that if you were a father asking too, because that's what I've observed irl.

LeibnizQueen · 21/04/2021 12:54

I wouldn't. No way.

I'm no precious parent either... I might do it one off stint of 4 wks but not repeatedly.

FourTeaFallOut · 21/04/2021 12:55

This is one of those things that seems academically fair and instinctively uncomfortable.

I think that most mums are the linchpin of stability for children and in most families it would be hugely destabilising for a mum to be away from home for weeks at a time.

Tbh, I think the real problem is that fathers are seen as less dependable and more disposable in the emotional lives of children.

Anyway, it's up to you, there's nothing stopping you. But I don't think there are many circumstances where your children would be better off for this arrangement.

Crappyfridays7 · 21/04/2021 12:56

So who would do these jobs? Armed forces etc if no parent could ever work away? Yes children need both parents. They still have both parents one is away one is at home until they are both at home. It depends on your children and your partner it’s not a decision I would have made but then it has never come up. If it works for your family then great, if not then there are other jobs. It’s purely down to how your partner thinks they will cope and if you’re kids will be ok whilst you’re away.

katmarie · 21/04/2021 13:00

I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't want my kids dad doing it either. I didn't have children to not see them for weeks at a time, and neither did he. But the only opinions that really matter here are yours, your kids, and their other parent.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/04/2021 13:06

In our case it was the Dad working away but the biggest problem as I said was the expectation when he was back. Yes there is more time for him to spend with the family but it doesn't pan out like that because the family already has a life that in the main needs to be continued and not altered, the work away parent has to come back and fit in.

RedMarauder · 21/04/2021 13:12

YANBU if their other parent is onboard and you can't get any other job that pays as well.

Also as your children are young they wouldn't view seeing you in that pattern as an issue. Older children would be more aware that their peers see their parents every night or more often.

Eachpeachpears · 21/04/2021 13:17

I'm going to be a bit cruel to be kind here.
I think yabvu. You had your children presumably to care for and love them and watch them grow up. By accepting this working pattern, you would be sacrificing that and potentially a bond with them. I think you would be selfish to take this role and I wouldn't have even applied for the job in the first place.
Imagine your children growing up and realising you happily took a job after they were born which essentially made you a part time mum?

TokyoSushi · 21/04/2021 13:20

What's the job?

I think YABU based on the general details, but would be interested to know more.