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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

167 replies

Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 11:37

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

OP posts:
cookiecreampie · 21/04/2021 13:21

Yabu. The kids should be your priority, not a job. However good an opportunity it is for you, this will not benefit your children.

FuckyouCovid21 · 21/04/2021 13:21

@Eachpeachpears

I'm going to be a bit cruel to be kind here. I think yabvu. You had your children presumably to care for and love them and watch them grow up. By accepting this working pattern, you would be sacrificing that and potentially a bond with them. I think you would be selfish to take this role and I wouldn't have even applied for the job in the first place. Imagine your children growing up and realising you happily took a job after they were born which essentially made you a part time mum?
Would you say this to a man?
idontlikealdi · 21/04/2021 13:22

Personally couldn't but certainly wouldn't judge. If it works for you why not.

Are we talking on rigg? I grew up in that environment and it always the dads that did it but no reason why it shouldn't be you if you're happy with it.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 21/04/2021 13:24

What’s the job? How old are the children and have you enough support in place when you are away ?

Singlenotsingle · 21/04/2021 13:26

So who's going to look after the children if you're not there? How old are the dc? Just remember that if it's your dp he would have a very strong argument to be the resident parent in the event of a breakup.

Eachpeachpears · 21/04/2021 13:28

@FuckyouCovid21 yes I would. And I say this as someone whose husband does exactly half of the duties involved with our lives, childcare included. He works 4 days a week, as do I, so that we got equal time with the children and one didn't have to sacrifice more than the other.

Remaker · 21/04/2021 13:30

I just can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this. If it’s the only option then you do what you have to, but as a first choice job no I can’t imagine why it would appeal to anyone with children. My DH wouldn’t contemplate it either.

Mummy1608 · 21/04/2021 13:30

I think it depends how old your children are.

I haven't rtft (in case any one else already suggested) but have you considered boarding school, it would give your kids continuity of care. I went to boarding school from age 11 and I loved it. You can have flexi-weekly boarding ie the kids come home for weekends, but only when you're at home.

Weekly boarding is often actually better for home life than not boarding, if parents work long hours: the kids get more adult attention in the evenings than you can offer, and still get quality time with parents at the weekend. Not exactly the same as your situation but could work.

However I wouldn't send kids to boarding school younger than age 8 (based on my own experiences)

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 21/04/2021 13:32

Disagree that this is a man/woman double standard. I would not tolerate my DH working away for long periods and I would have a negative view of any father who did so.

Kitfish · 21/04/2021 13:32

I had to unexpectedly go away from home for 10 days when my son was 4 (to look after my dying dad). The experience really affected my son. His behaviour at school worsened and he became more clingy / demanding. It took about a year before he was settled again. Children are not politically correct (I wish they were) and often young children just want their primary care giver. Sadly, if you have been the primary care giver to date and the children are young, your going away could have an adverse effect. I wish it wasn't so.

LolaSmiles · 21/04/2021 13:34

There is a double standard because it is by far more accepted that a father works away, meanwhile a mother making the same choices is viewed much more harshly.

You don't see men being told they're psychologically damaging their children for working away, or that they're selfish, or questioning why they had children.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2021 13:36

I think it depends on individual circumstances. My husband doesn't work away for 28 days at a time but often for a week or 2. When he is here his job is flexible, he covers over 50% of the school holidays and does nursery and school drop offs etc. He is very involved. I have friends whose husbands are here 7 days a week and have never changed a nappy, done a school run or any form of parenting (apart from a few carefully poses FB pics.

I would possibly consider the benefits of having a SAHP 50% of the time if the parent who isn't working away is happy with the situation.

PerspicaciousGreen · 21/04/2021 13:38

Mum or dad, I wouldn't accept this kind of role long term. If I were being offered a whopping amount of money I might do it for a year on the understanding that we were all going to make sacrifices for a limited time that would have a big positive impact on our family in the future (such as setting us up so well financially so I could drop down to part time afterwards) but it's no life to live as a parent.

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2021 13:40

I wouldn’t but I also wouldn’t judge anyone else who did it.
DH has worked away and it was fine but I just wouldn’t want to

elfycat · 21/04/2021 13:41

DH has worked 3 weeks on / 3 off since our DDs were 6 months and 2.5 yo. Now 10 and 12 yo they have a very close relationship with him. Sometimes they go through a phase of missing him but most of the time this is just their normal. DD1 and he share a TV program and snuggle up several times a week to watch it. DD2 loves to pounce on him for hugs the minute he gets home - not being close and bonded? Not necessarily.

We don't make a huge deal of him going away or coming back - no counting down to it as an 'event'. We mention that he's off the day before and I might say he's coming back in xxx days, but sometimes he just walks through the door with no reminders.

We have things we generally do when Dad is home (pre Covid) like longer days out to theme parks/into London/ family holidays and things when he's gone - local zoo, seaside, visit family/friends. We switch that about a bit but I prefer to share the driving on longer trips (or book a premier inn type room)

One of DD1's teachers was stunned, at the end of the school year, to learn DH worked away when I asked to have the last parent's evening appt to give him a chance to get home. DD1's behaviour didn't change and she'd not mentioned it at school.

It can work, and I don't see why switching from father-away to mother-away should be any different as long as the parenting stays consistent.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/04/2021 13:45

@safariboot

The fact is nobody would bat an eyelid if the father did this.

Once the children are no longer breastfeeding, YANBU.

I would. I think it’s a horrible choice for any parent of young children to make, regardless of gender. I think it would be confusing for small children and awful for the partner at home-you’re either there constantly or not at all. I have reliables (men) who do this kind of work for great financial gain but it has caused all sorts of issues for the relationships and families and both are now divorced. It’s not family life as I choose to live it and I honestly feel sorry for any child whose mother or father would actively choose to take a job which means not seeing them for a month at a time Sad
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/04/2021 13:45

Reliables? Should say relatives!

Planningobjection · 21/04/2021 13:48

It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. Personally I hate being away from my children for more than one night and my husband is the same. We’ve both passed over jobs with much higher wages to ensure we work 9-5 and are able to all be together after work for meals and bedtime. I couldn’t imagine leaving them regularly for 4 weeks, or even for 4 weeks as a one off.

Planningobjection · 21/04/2021 13:49

@safariboot I also would bat an eye at a Dad that did this.

User01020304 · 21/04/2021 13:59

I cannot believe the double-standards and judgments of people on this thread tbh.

My DH is serving and for the last 3.5 years has been in a "deployable role", whereby he has deployed for 9 months, 7 months, and a few shorter stints here and there. Our children coped brilliantly and are tremendously resilient. The key thing is to acknowledge their feelings, support them through them. You may be better trying to find others on other sites/social media etc, with a similar set-up for unbiased opinions.

Consider carefully how you would make it work, what support you have around you, childcare options etc. I have worked and maintained childcare as if my DH wasn't going to be here as we have no family nearby (the military are notoriously bad for reliability!), it makes things much less stressful in that sense.

Having now gone into a military job that is more "normal", he is Mon-Fri, 9-5, the roles are looking at reversing. I am looking to go to university in Sept, one of my choices would mean me being away 3 days a week (and the two overnights) which both my husband and children (6 & 8) are actively encouraging - I'm not so sure haha!

All of this is to say, there is no one size fits all. Consider all things carefully, and if it's right for you and your family then go for it.
The only thing to be mindful as has been pointed out is that when a parent goes away there is a cycle and part of that is adjusting/re-adjusting to the person coming back again but there is a wealth of information and support out there to help with this (irrespective of job role).

User01020304 · 21/04/2021 14:01

@elfycat

DH has worked 3 weeks on / 3 off since our DDs were 6 months and 2.5 yo. Now 10 and 12 yo they have a very close relationship with him. Sometimes they go through a phase of missing him but most of the time this is just their normal. DD1 and he share a TV program and snuggle up several times a week to watch it. DD2 loves to pounce on him for hugs the minute he gets home - not being close and bonded? Not necessarily.

We don't make a huge deal of him going away or coming back - no counting down to it as an 'event'. We mention that he's off the day before and I might say he's coming back in xxx days, but sometimes he just walks through the door with no reminders.

We have things we generally do when Dad is home (pre Covid) like longer days out to theme parks/into London/ family holidays and things when he's gone - local zoo, seaside, visit family/friends. We switch that about a bit but I prefer to share the driving on longer trips (or book a premier inn type room)

One of DD1's teachers was stunned, at the end of the school year, to learn DH worked away when I asked to have the last parent's evening appt to give him a chance to get home. DD1's behaviour didn't change and she'd not mentioned it at school.

It can work, and I don't see why switching from father-away to mother-away should be any different as long as the parenting stays consistent.

This. Absolutely.

Written much better than my waffle! Grin

Thatwentbadly · 21/04/2021 14:04

@timeisnotaline

I would tell my dh it’s not on if he suggested this, so I owe it to him not to consider the same. Of course if he assumed I was the house elf then it would be very tempting. (But I wouldn’t do it to the dc- id just fix dhs attitude problem)
This sums up my position too. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement for our children but I wouldn’t judge someone else for doing it.
MixedUpFiles · 21/04/2021 14:06

This is not something either my DH or I would do if we had any other options for employment. We both turned down jobs that required extensive travel once we had kids. That was the choice we made for our family. We prefer to keep business trips to a few weeks a year. Other families make different decisions.

notalwaysalondoner · 21/04/2021 14:08

This is a great example of gender bias - it's completely normalised for men to do this in many industries e.g. oil and gas, construction, freight - but still incredibly taboo for women to do the same, even if they have a very supportive, capable, domesticated partner.

You should do it if it works for you and your family and your partner is supportive. Don't cave into societal expectations.

Wanderlust20 · 21/04/2021 14:10

Why not, men do it all the time and nobody bats an eyelid.