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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

167 replies

Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 11:37

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 21/04/2021 14:12

I should highlight though - I have a sister who works rotations, and used to work in an industry where lots of colleagues did the same as you've described, and the number 1 indicator of whether it's a positive experience or not is if the rotations are predictable. i.e. if your boss/company says 'You'll be working 24th June to 22nd July' that (a) you have some notice so can make plans and (b) the dates don't change at the last minute.

When the dates change at the last minute it just removes all possibility of planning for anything, which ruins it for your family. My sister had one job where the dates changed so frequently we didn't manage to go for a single holiday away together in 3 years, even though she had essentially 6 months a year off - but we just couldn't plan far enough in advance for my work which needed 6 weeks' notice.

Eviethyme · 21/04/2021 14:13

Up to you but I couldn't.

Stormwhale · 21/04/2021 14:13

To the posters saying that noone bats an eyelid when it's the dad, actually I do. I feel awful for the kids in those videos you see where they are sobbing because their dad has finally come home. It's heartbreaking.

I definitely wouldn't do this. You have plenty of time once the children are older to take on a job like this. Right now they need their parents around.

MagnoliaBeige · 21/04/2021 14:15

It’s very hard to say without more detail - what’s the options if you have to get home in a hurry, what childcare options do you have, what does your partner (assuming you have one on the scene) think, what do your children think, how desperately do you need/want this job etc etc etc. But based on the info in the OP, no I wouldn’t take a job that took me away from my young children for essentially 6 months a year.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/04/2021 14:17

I don't think this is a good idea, no. I think it is very hard for young children when their dad is away with work for weeks at a time, and even harder if it's their mum. That's all there is to it really. Nothing to do with sexism or careers, just the potential impact on the children.

burningfire · 21/04/2021 14:20

Each to their own.

For me no amount of money would be enough for me to be away from my children like that. I think it's really unfair on the kids. And it's not a sexist thing. My husband would feel the same as me and also not be away like that. Yes money is needed to pay bills but it's not a replacement for being present In my kids lives on a regular basis. They only have one childhood.

For the above reason I would never consider being in the armed forces, having children with someone from the armed forces and boarding school. It's not for me. Would I judge others in this situation? I'm more concerned about my own family to care what decisions other families make. It's just not decisions I'd make for us.

montysma1 · 21/04/2021 14:20

I hated it bd I only hd to be away one week at a time max.

elfycat · 21/04/2021 14:21

@User01020304

Prior to working these shifts DH was in the military for his 22 years so I was used to him going for weeks and months, sometimes at very short notice.

My sister once called me as her DH was going to work abroad for a single 4 week period (pre them having children) and she wanted to know how you cope. It was only then I realised how different and unimaginable my life was to other people.

As demonstrated by some on this thread. You'd judge my DH? I judge you for small-minded judging.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/04/2021 14:24

My H works away with nothing as good a rotation as that. He’s like a spare part to the family tbh, but he is also not emotionally present when he is here. Month on month off would be much better, fully engaged when home. Of course it’s not ideal, but if that’s the industry you’re in, then why not?

Saz432 · 21/04/2021 14:29

@safariboot

The fact is nobody would bat an eyelid if the father did this.

Once the children are no longer breastfeeding, YANBU.

That’s not true in the least. I know several fathers who work abroad in a similar pattern (when they have other options) and I definitely have negative feelings about it. It has affected their relationship with their children, who don’t think of their fathers as stable and present - in fact my closest friend had a father who worked this way and as an adult she has basically no relationship with him at all. There were many times she needed him, he wasn’t there, all of the difficulties of raising children fell to her mum, as well as all the positive bits.

I think your wording is unfair OP - I have voted YABU but I don’t necessarily think it’s inherently selfish. I do think that regular prolonged absences are not healthy for your children or your relationship with them. I think six months out of every year is a huge amount of your childrens’ lives to miss, and I think the impact of that will be different when they are young and as they get older. If they’re school age they’ll be at school most of the time you’re home anyway, you could end up being gone for all or most of their school holidays. I don’t think any job with long periods abroad are suitable for parents TBH. It’s different if it’s your only option (eg. Moving abroad from a country where you’re living in poverty and sending money home because it’s the only way to support your children) - as parents we do what we have to do to ensure our children are supported. But when there are other options, I think it’s unnecessarily damaging to your kids and your relationship with them.

My kids are young (preschool age) and would be heartbroken and confused if either DH or I were gone for such a long time. Pre kids I worked in a job where I had to be abroad for 3-4 weeks at a time about 3 times a year. I would have struggled to do even that but would probably have continued, but I would worry about absences even that infrequent. I know the parents there massively struggled.

Original poster
Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 14:36

Thank you everyone for such honest feedback - I did ask for it!

To answer a few questions - the kids would be 1 and 4. I live with my husband (their father) and he is a very hands on dad, I would say we are very equal in our parenting just now as we both currently work full time so we share the workload in the house as well as bringing up our kids.

We are very lucky in that they also have very loving grandparents who are also very hands on.

I think a couple of you hit the nail on the head...I am a bit uncomfortable about it, but I think it’s because I am worried about what people will think rather than if it would affect the children, I actually think they would be ok with it. I also worry that I won’t be the one they run to for a cuddle anymore, though it is lovely to hear from many of you that isn’t the case.

The job wouldn’t be forever, maybe 2/3years - anyway, thank you for your feedback, much appreciated.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 21/04/2021 14:37

I think it depends on their age and how much your partner is expected to work. I think for me, none of my children would have liked this but some would love you being totally there for 4 weeks at a time. I think it's a lot to ask your partner to do this and work full time.

FloconDeNeige · 21/04/2021 14:38

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Why would it be ‘even harder if it was the Mum’?

DH and I have equal responsibilities and bonds with our young DC. If either one of had to work away I’m sure they’d find it equally difficult; not harder if it were me rather than DH.

I appreciate that you and some others may have children with weaker attachments to their fathers, but this is by no means applicable to everyone.

Devlesko · 21/04/2021 14:39

If there was a sahd, who actually was, not just a skiver, then of course.
Otherwise no way would I leave my kids that long.
You have to do wht's right for the kids, not yourself.

sylv165 · 21/04/2021 14:43

I think this would be difficult. My husband works one week away, one week at home. I find the week he is away pretty hard going. We have done a couple of periods where he has been away for 6 weeks at a time and I don't think I would do it again. Aside from the fact that I was exhausted, to a small child 6 weeks is absolutely ages and too long to be away from a parent. Maybe it can work if your husband doesn't work/has a flexible job and your kids are a bit older, but I think it is a no from me

1forAll74 · 21/04/2021 14:43

I wouldn't work away , especially if the children were young, I was always a SAHM, with my two when they were young, a bit old fashioned these days! But my late Husband worked away at times,and that was fine by me and our children.

DianaT1969 · 21/04/2021 14:45

Of course. If they have a caring parent when you're away, why wouldn't you?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/04/2021 14:50

[quote FloconDeNeige]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Why would it be ‘even harder if it was the Mum’?

DH and I have equal responsibilities and bonds with our young DC. If either one of had to work away I’m sure they’d find it equally difficult; not harder if it were me rather than DH.

I appreciate that you and some others may have children with weaker attachments to their fathers, but this is by no means applicable to everyone.[/quote]
Equal responsibilities and bonds with your children....hmm. Very modern. Well, it IS still the mum that gives birth last time I looked, and I still think the mum has more of a bond. Sorry. I just do.

Alsohuman · 21/04/2021 14:53

If you were in the armed forces you could be away for months at a time. As long as the other parent is fine with it, I can’t see the problem.

EileenGC · 21/04/2021 14:56

In my job includes about a third of the year being abroad, but one month at a time is practically unheard of. There are two 3 week trips each year and I personally wouldn’t like them to be any longer or frequent. The rest is 1-2 weeks at a time and lots of weekends in the mix.

I think if I had a good balance of childcare and quality time with a parent at all times at home, I’d go for it.

NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner · 21/04/2021 15:00

How does your partner feel about you being a part time parent?

Away 50% of the time feels a big burden to place on them. Can your relationship survive the distance too?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 21/04/2021 15:03

I wouldn’t do this and don’t think it would be good for kids that age or for my relationship. I’d feel that way as a mother or a father though. A month is a long time for a child that age and a long stretch to parent solo on a regular basis for your husband (though I appreciate lone parents have no choice).

Magnificentmug12 · 21/04/2021 15:09

Yabu. Not because your a women. Any parent away for a month at a time, half the year is a no in my eyes. I wouldn’t be with a man who was away so much, or a women, but some people do it and are happy so it’s personal but I doubt the kids find that fun.

Lightsabre · 21/04/2021 15:09

Sorry, I think the children are too young - I'd be worried about attachment issues.

irregularegular · 21/04/2021 15:10

I don't think it is true that nobody would bat an eyelid if a father did it. Certainly I think there is generally more social tolerance of fathers working away regularly then mothers, but even then 4 weeks at a time on an ongoing basis would be a pretty big deal. I personally wouldn't want to do it with young children, I wouldn't want my husband to either, and I would think "hmmm, really? are you sure you want to do this?" if my friends/siblings of either gender as thinking of this route.

But it is very personal.

I'd be much more open to the idea with teenagers or a bit younger. I think for very young children their sense of time is different and 4 weeks is a long time for them to be without someone close to them, and then have to readjust to them being back again, and then go through it all again. An adult or older child would deal with it differently I htink.