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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

167 replies

Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 11:37

AIBU to accept a job working away from home 4 weeks at a time with 2 young children?

I know lots of dads who go offshore or to different countries to work, however, I don’t know many (any) mums who do this with young children.

The job is for 28days away and then 28 days at home. Do you think it would be selfish of me to accept?

YABU - you are selfish to accept this role - the children need their mum at home
YANBU - you will miss your children when you’re away but will have way more time to spend with your children when you’re at home!

OP posts:
Decorhate · 21/04/2021 18:23

I can only comment on my own experience- my mum had to go into hospital for a week or so when I was 2. My grandparents lived with us so had plenty of care & attention but apparently I would not go to my mum when she came home.

I went away for a long weekend when Ds was 1. SIL stayed over to give DH a hand. We have similar colouring. When I returned Ds was looking from one of us to the other, totally confused.

So I would say, only going by own experience, that it will cause upset especially for your youngest. Then it depends on how desperately you need this job.

SimonJT · 21/04/2021 18:24

Now research is taking place we know that children who have a parent who works away are more likely to suffer with attachment difficulties, this is magnified further in children under the age of four.

Removal of, or harsh swapping of primary caregivers is traumatic for young children.

CutieBear · 21/04/2021 18:44

Now that we know the DC are only 1 and 4, I think YABU to accept this offer. I think you should wait until they’re both school aged so they understand why you’re away from home.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/04/2021 19:21

I "worked away" from DS was 3 until he was 8. Granted not weekends but during the week and every week. Even when I didn't stay away overnight early mornings/late nights meant I could go all week without seeing him.

He was fine!

He used to refuse to speak to me when I rang home but once I was physically there he was all over me - he's always been a mammys boy before I worked away and at 13 he very much still is!

As long as your DH is fine with it and you have support just do what's best for your family.

For me it began as a "no other option" due to redundancy but ended up being "best thing to happen to me" because it gave me a career opportunity that I otherwise wouldn't have taken and I wouldn't be where I am now.

I will be honest though, you do need thick skin OP because people ABSOLUTELY DO judge mums who work away. My DH was seen among our friends and other school parents as "top Dad" because he held fort while I "worked away" - you just have to bite your tongue and shrug it off Hmm

Original poster
Avacadoandtoast · 21/04/2021 21:06

Thank you @FrangipaniBlue - that’s great to hear he is still a mammys boy!! I’d like to think my 2 would be the same.

OP posts:
Dingleydel · 21/04/2021 21:15

At ages 1 and 4 and the regularity of the separation I think yabvu. Only a very detached parent could think such a thing was acceptable. I understand some people have no other choice but it’s so damaging for family life. Dh used to work this pattern (stopped before we had dc) but one thing he observed was how hard it was on those colleagues with families. These jobs are often well paid (plus tax benefits) so people find it hard to walk away so end up staying and without exception all his older colleagues were divorced/on the way to being.

MangosteenSoda · 21/04/2021 21:22

So many people from developing countries do this ALL THE TIME. It’s what makes their family succeed and the children understand AND appreciate it.

IMO, keeping the good relationship with children is based on how it’s managed by the adults.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/04/2021 21:27

I wouldn't consider it and neither would my dh. I don't think it would be welcomed by any parents in my peer group, mothers or fathers. It's a massive chunk of time away and puts a huge amount on the parent left behind. Also the away parent would miss so much. I don't think it would be good for your relationship, either.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/04/2021 21:33

OP as you said your set up is very strong
Very
I totally wouldn’t judge you for it
I work in this sector
And all the ‘how will the dad cope ‘

How does any single parent cope !
And with you back 50% of the time and strong family support

I’d never judge especially if it provides a chance to save up

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/04/2021 21:34

Who the fuck are these people who judge ?
Fuck them and their narrow views

Toasty280 · 21/04/2021 21:38

My oh has done it, now it's shorter periods, I would do it if he was staying home and the money was worth it....

PembrokeshireDreaming · 21/04/2021 21:48

My father did similar, I hated it and swore my kids would have patents home all of the time. The things he missed like school sports days, birthdays, could never be relived. We had no proper routine.

853ax · 21/04/2021 22:04

I think this arrangement could have more impact on your relationship with your husband than impact children.
Will it always be same length away as at home or could it be fewer e.g use 2 holiday days but if ran into weekend would only be away 23 instead 28.
Hard decision good luck

FrangipaniBlue · 21/04/2021 22:30

I think this arrangement could have more impact on your relationship with your husband than impact children.

This is the reality and it's what nobody talks about.

Honestly my DS wasn't bothered either way, because I spent quality time with him on the days I was gone.

But it did put a big strain on my marriage and 5 years was enough.

I absolutely loved my job but the biggest reason I gave it up in the end was because it felt like we were heading down the rocky road to divorce.

I ended up having a conversation with myself about which was more important to me - my job or my marriage.

My advice OP is to go into it as a short term thing to make some money and better your career, but don't go into it as a long term option.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/04/2021 22:31

Days I was home not gone!

FrangipaniBlue · 21/04/2021 22:35

I feel I should caveat it wasn't that DH did the prime parenting that put the strain on, and was actually nothing to do with having DS.

it was that we both got used to essentially "living alone".

When I was away in a hotel I could watch what I wanted on tv, read a book and lie in the bath in peace, go out for a drink with colleagues, eat what I wanted when I wanted, and I didn't have to fit around anyone else.

DH was largely the same (without going out obviously because he had DS!).

So then when I was then home, we just clashed and got on each other's nerves!

LatteToday · 21/04/2021 22:50

@sylv165 it is also my experience of DH working away 4 days a week.

OP having a spouse that works away is a very quick way to put strain on your marriage. And parenting is hard for the person left behind. And sometimes the person away starts to feel left out of the family. It’s tough.

Our situation is different- DH is away sun/mon to thurs/fri every week, and also works most Saturdays. It’s true what the study said about the leaving & arriving that is tricky- for all the family. You will have that less often than I do, but the length of time away means that the transitions are likely to be more challenging.

If your marriage isn’t rock solid, trusting him 100% don’t do it.

LatteToday · 21/04/2021 22:51

@FrangipaniBlue yes I totally agree. When DH is here for any length of time I start to feel frustrated that I’m not getting any ‘me’ time (despite being lonely sometimes when he isn’t here!)

insurancedrama · 22/04/2021 00:01

Do what works for you and your family. Good luck with your decision

MissTrip82 · 22/04/2021 02:39

[quote Eachpeachpears]@FuckyouCovid21 yes I would. And I say this as someone whose husband does exactly half of the duties involved with our lives, childcare included. He works 4 days a week, as do I, so that we got equal time with the children and one didn't have to sacrifice more than the other.[/quote]
Interested to learn that husbands in the military are part-time Dads. I’ll have to let mine know.

Do you object to having a fully-staffed defence force?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/04/2021 06:32

@MissTrip82

Did you quote the right person?

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 22/04/2021 06:34

I think it's totally different working away 4 days and then coming home at the weekends, DP did this lots before covid and although our DD missed him she knew she would see him in a couple of days and soon got used to the pattern of when he was home/away. He often comes home after their bedtime when not working away so it didn't really make much difference. I don't think you can compare this to a month away and a month at home. We have 4 and 1 year old DD's and I know my DD1 would really struggle if DP did this, getting 28 days of lovely quality time with him to then having to re-adjust again to him being away. I suppose it depends on what the extra money would mean to you as a family. I think we would have to be really struggling financially to consider this, as I do think it would be damaging for our DC.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/04/2021 06:43

As PPs have said about the strain on your marriage, I would really miss my DH is either of us did this. Even one of us going away for a weekend is enough for me to miss him.

Floweree · 22/04/2021 06:51

DH is in the military, I didn't want to be a traiing spouse so he is away all week and back most weekends, and then away for a few weeks or even months at a time. I work FT but it is doable, job dependent I guess. It is challenging though, if he'd have joined after we had children and changed our lives like that I'd have left him. DS adores him, but if he's away over a month at a time it takes a bit of time; 2 months on then off sounds savage for anyone tbh. Do you have DHs full support?

alwayswrighty · 22/04/2021 06:54

@Avacadoandtoast wow you are getting roasted and I thought MN held pretty feminist views.

Personally I'd go for it if you can make it work and it makes you happy.

Sod judgement from other people, they don't live your life.