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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shaken up by this and insistent over it not happening again?

440 replies

Boursinfan · 20/04/2021 17:27

So my 2.5 year old DS’s grandparents look after him once a week. They dropped him back home today and said there had been an accident. He fell into their garden pond, luckily they were out there and got him out straight away. He was soaked, so his grandma gave him a bath and put some dry clothes on him.
She just messaged me and said she felt dreadful and it was a genuine accident etc.
My mind is now going over the what ifs. I gently asked if they were going to get a cover for it now and she said they’ll “try to”.
They’re my DP’s parents, I feel like maybe he should speak to them. But he’ll brush it off as no big deal, as DS is fine, apart from a little shaken up. I’m also concerned he swallowed some of the water by accident and might get ill. There are algae and newts in there.
Should I insist they get a cover if my partner won’t? I feel awkward, but at the same time I’m not going to be able to relax when he’s at their house otherwise. They’re usually very diligent and careful, so I’m very surprised it happened at all really.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 20/04/2021 22:29

No matter how diligent and careful they are OP your ds could have died in that pond in less than a minute.
If they don't put a cover over the pond there would not be a hope I'd leave a child with them again. This is just not worth the risk and as his grandparents I would have thought they would do a bit more than "try to" get a cover for an accident that could have easily resulted in a fatality.

Hankunamatata · 20/04/2021 22:33

OP it's good they were honest with you. And this can be sorted

YellowPurple · 20/04/2021 22:42

Did he go in at all?
Even a splutter of water?

I would worry about ‘dry drowning’

nancyclancy123 · 20/04/2021 23:05

I wouldn’t risk it until it’s securely fenced off. Years ago, one of my dc fell in a pond at a friends bbq. There were lots of people in the garden and not one person noticed. I just happen to glance over and saw him struggling. It is an image that will haunt me forever and thankfully he was just shaken - we all were.
The pond was filled in afterwards, it’s just not worth the risk!!

Yaya26 · 20/04/2021 23:06

No criticism but I’m a worrier and Errrr no way my child would have been there in the first place. An uncovered pond would keep me awake at night. 😱I would never have been able to leave him there. I’d be looking a fence and grid. If they were reluctant or pissy about it we wouldn’t be visiting.

hoteltango · 20/04/2021 23:06

@YellowPurple

Did he go in at all? Even a splutter of water?

I would worry about ‘dry drowning’

I would be concerned about dry drowning as well.

OP - I think you're going to have to get tough on this. Toddlers and water don't go together very well. And if your in-laws have been lax about water safety, by not getting a cover or fence, that could indicate that they're not particularly aware of all the other things that don't go with toddlers very well.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2021 23:13

I think it's fair to ask he doesn't go near an uncovered pond without close supervision, but it sounds like he was being supervised appropriately, which is why no harm was done.

Presumably most parents take their dc near water sometimes - at the beach, a river walk etc. You just supervise closely.

MissingInActon · 20/04/2021 23:14

Just to add to the story, he fell in feet first , according to them he had dropped his toy train in, then as it was floating he stepped in to get it.

For this to even happen, they weren't supervising him as closely as they think they were. I too think you're underreacting, and they definitely are. They'll try, ffs??

That pond needs a sturdy grid before he stays there again. Tbh, I think ywbu to leave him there without one, but you probably feel bad enough about that already. I would offer to organise it and pay, though, especially if they're providing free childcare. I would risk assess the rest of the house and garden asap too.

CaraherEIL · 21/04/2021 00:16

As everyone has said he doesn’t go there again until the pond is covered or fenced off. Their feelings about this are irrelevant just say it is a baby proofing essential. Tell your DH it is a deal breaker he can even go and help them sort it but it is not about feelings it is entirely about safety and avoiding a tragedy that would destroy everyone’s lives.I think the fact that they have sent an emotional text means that hopefully they fully understand that they need to make sure it can never happen again.

SmokedDuck · 21/04/2021 01:44

The idea of not going to a place at because there is water seems a bit crazy to me, TBH. What do you do if the grandparents live near a lake or river? Maybe it's because I'm rural, I've owned two ponds in my adult life, both of which were big enough to row a boat on and couldn't be covered with a lid or grid. My daughter even feel in one of them when she was two - she was sitting right next to me on the bank looking at frogs and of course I popped her right out again.

Of course a small child shouldn't be out next to any pond without a close by supervisor, but I highly doubt everyone here never takes a child near a body of water.

Cushionsnotpillows · 21/04/2021 02:49

@CatherinedeBourgh the clue is in your own post PHE E for England. The previous poster said UK. They are not the same and PHE stats don't cover all parts of the U.K.

Paperplain · 21/04/2021 03:29

This happened once with my cousin - grand parents covered the pond the very next day without even being asked. Why on earth wouldn't you?

groovergirl · 21/04/2021 04:10

@nancyclancy123 How terrifying. Thank goodness you noticed in time!

Here in Australia private pools and certain water features must by law be fenced. A toddler can tumble in and drown in 20 seconds. I'm sorry to say that these deaths keep happening despite that law. There was a tragic case in Sydney of 23mo twins who entered via a gate left open, fell in, then died after three weeks in intensive care. We all have to be so careful and vigilant.

As for putting a cover on the the pond, my English friend lost her dog when he stepped on the swimming pool cover, fell in and drowned. It's not a good enough precaution.

Perhaps your DH can research some solutions for his parents' pond. A tall fence grown over with greenery (to look like a hedge) plus a secure gate kept shut would be protective yet picturesque.

Snowpaw · 21/04/2021 07:07

A wooden garden trellis does the job well - my mother put one over both her ponds as soon as my child was born. Cheap, easy and effective.

firedog · 21/04/2021 07:21

@HedgePutty

Your child fell in whilst supervised, just imagine if they weren’t watching/had turned their back. They could have assumed he wasn’t at the bottom of the pond and gone into the house to find him. Honestly react more.
This. We have a tiny pond and a couple of fish but I'd not have a toddler in the garden as they could easily drown in it, within seconds
Original poster
Boursinfan · 21/04/2021 07:24

Thanks everyone.

He’s fine this morning. What are the symptoms of dry drowning?
He’s going to nursery this morning so I won’t be able to watch him. Obviously they will though.
Would signs have shown up by now? I’ve never even heard of dry drowning!

OP posts:
Original poster
Boursinfan · 21/04/2021 07:24

It’s me who didn’t sleep!

I won’t be sending him there alone until they’ve covered it or made it safe in some way.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 21/04/2021 07:27

Dry drowning is so so so so so so rare; and it’s usually happen if a kid has struggled in water and inhaled lots of water and almost drowned. So OP I wouldn’t google it.

Marigold76 · 21/04/2021 08:02

When I was pregnant with my second child, and I had a 14mo toddler I asked my MIL to fence off her pond (I say 'pond' but it was 4ft deep and about 10ft + wide.. and filthy) she refused. Said it was for the ducks and she liked watching them.

So we said that, that was fine and her decision but we wouldn't allow the children to visit hers until it was fenced off. (should add we offered to pay for and install the fencing!)

I posted here somewhere about it actually!

She never fenced it off, and the kids never went there again. She stopped talking to us for a long time and In fact, she barely came to see her grandchildren for years and even now, we rarely see her. My eldest is 9 now.

Ive never regretted it. I would never have forgiven myself, my partner or my MIL if anything had happened.

If they get offended by your request, tough. Your job is to try to keep your children as safe as possible. If they don't understand that, then they don't understand how dangerous it is.

You are doing the right thing IMO.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/04/2021 08:09

@Marigold76

That feels really harsh. My parents have 2 ponds which aren’t fenced of and I would never stop my children going there, especially with me present.

Most parks we go to have ponds. I just watch them carefully.

firedog · 21/04/2021 09:52

The OP wasn't there tho. The GP are childcare and turned their back for a few seconds. We don't know how big or deep this pond is. Child dropped toy in & went in to get it.. there's been countless similar incidents with tragic outcomes. Just not worth it, for a cheap solution

OlmostOlwyn · 21/04/2021 10:39

Dry drowning would show up within an hour, secondary drowning can show symptoms up to 48 hours after. Yes, it's really rare, but best to keep an eye out - symptoms include persistent cough, difficulty breathing, chest pain, fatigue, fever, vomiting and confusion. It only takes inhaling a tiny bit of water so good to be aware!

SmokedDuck · 21/04/2021 13:00

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Marigold76

That feels really harsh. My parents have 2 ponds which aren’t fenced of and I would never stop my children going there, especially with me present.

Most parks we go to have ponds. I just watch them carefully.[/quote]
Don't be silly, no one on MN ever takes their toddlers to the duckpond or to the lake.

Marigold76 · 21/04/2021 13:47

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Marigold76

That feels really harsh. My parents have 2 ponds which aren’t fenced of and I would never stop my children going there, especially with me present.

Most parks we go to have ponds. I just watch them carefully.[/quote]
Maybe that does sound harsh. Should have clarified that this was without me there. She wanted to have them at hers while I was working. I would have still occasionally taken them to visit, but her parenting approach was much more hands off than mine and I wasn't confident they would be safe. But we offended her so much by asking that she just never came to visit us or invite us over. I think we went once to try and make amends but it was a nightmare as kids were attracted to the ducks and we spent the whole time standing guard around the pond. It was deep and filthy and if they'd have fallen in you wouldn't have been able to see them to fish them out.

As it turns out, she's never been the most attentive of parent to any of her kids or her grandkids so I don't feel like we made much of a sacrifice tbh.

Evidencebased · 21/04/2021 14:10

You can't let your child be in their care until the pond has been made safe.
That's an absolute.
No promises never to turn their backs on him, or not to use the garden.
It's just a NO.

In the interests of family harmony, might it be helpful for you to make this easier for them by researching how they could make the pond safe, and if necessary offering to help.
A friend found a local metal fabricater who made a mesh of stout metal rods to go over their pond. And then fastened down so a child couldn't lift it.
A joint project for PiL and your DH?

They may , given time to reflect, become utterly horrified at what happened.