To think there is no shame in having self imposed limits with driving

[Cheeseandlobster]

I passed my test 2 years ago but remain nervous. I work 15 miles away in a city and have forced myself to do the drive but there are still parts of the city I won't drive in (it has no effect on my job), I go to the supermarket during quiet times so its easier to park, I have done the motorway but again do this at quiet times. This only affects me and the way I see it is that I went for 40 years not driving so just being able to drive myself to Aldi is brilliant. And I do still push myself to do different things but I have stopped putting pressure on myself as much as I used to as I am happy with my limits.

But on here threads from nervous drivers often contain a few posts from people who say that if you wont drive absolutely everywhere then you shouldn't be on the road etc.

I just think where else does this logic apply. I mean we don't say to people who cant run a marathon that they therefore shouldnt be running at all, or to those who are not confident cooks that they should try to cook gourmet food rather than tried and tested recipes they are comfortable with. I think we all have limitations somewhere and it is safer to do this sometimes. I know its a lifeskill but I don't depend on others for lifts so really where is the harm?

Aibu?

Cheeseandlobster
That makes sense then OP. You're just choosing to do things at a time that suits you. Nobody would bat an eye lid if you went to the shops later because they're quieter.

I suppose it's the difference between preference and competence. If someone would rather drive when it's quiet then that's different to someone who will only drive when it's quiet or become excessively hesitant in their driving if they drive outside their approved slots.

YANBU
I am a very confident driver, as comfortable on a motorway as in a city or on single tracks.
But I won't drive in the snow, I'm too nervous and that makes it dangerous.
I started driving at 17 so got loads of experience before I realised I wasn't invincible and that makes a lot of difference.
Just keep gradually building up your experience and the confidence will come.

I think the issue is that you're not confident on the roads you do drive on, and being an unconfident driver makes you a hazard.

If you were confident and competent on the roads you do use then fine, you're only restricting yourself. But when you're saying that the driving you do do is still an effort, then you shouldn't be driving them either. You need some pass plus lessons I think.

I think a lot of this is that instructors teach people to pass a test on familiar routes. I did all of my lessons 9:30-3:30 over 4 days and had my test on the fifth, I lived on the outskirts of London. By day two in the afternoon my instructor (a former black cab driver) had me driving through the East end into the city. He said to me if I could learn to drive there I could drive anywhere. He was right, although I wouldn't drive through central Marrakech in a hurry again!

I have a friend who refuses to drive out of London because of "country roads". It doesn't make any sense, and it's frustrating because she never visits me because of it.

I have another friend who refuses to drive into London. I'm not even talking about central London, this is zone 4, and the route is dead easy with no complicated junctions.

Neither of them will even try, so I'd put them in the BU group.

It seems a bit daft to pay a fortune for lessons tests and running a car just to limit yourself in such an extreme way. After all the point of having a car is to give you a sense of independence. If you are just going to Aldi and picking your lad up I wouldn't have bothered.
If you was my friend I would encourage you to do a little and more often until you feel more confident and then go and have some trips to somewhere nice and have fun.

For example, if you don't like driving in the dark or on a motorway, how would you cope if there was an accident and the only alternate route was the motorway? Or if the road you were on was closed for hours due to an accident (it happens) and you ended up having to drive to your destination in the dark

In fact I did once end up on a motorway accidentally and I just sat behind a lorry doing 60 for 12 miles to the next junction. Didn't upset anyone or get in anyone's way because the lorry was there anyway. Came back on the A road.

Never been stuck in a motorway traffic jam for hours. I remember being with my mum and taking an hour to do 5 miles on the M6 but that's about the worst it's ever been. But I always leave plenty of time to do journeys in the winter in case there are delays.

I think there is a difference to trying to drive in quiet times and sticking to familiar roads to say (true example) not being able to turn right and going miles out of your way to find round abouts or traffic lights to get right.

I think there's a line. If you limit yourself because you don't like it but can do it safely when necessary then fine. If you don't do it because, as a pp said, it gives you panic attacks then you should not be on the road, period.

I was stuck in traffic due to a road closure a few months ago. The suddenly the traffic was moving again but we were all being diverted down the slip road and onto the motorway rather than the A roads I usually use.

I swore a blue streak because it takes 45 minutes longer going that way and grumbled my grouchy way home. What would've happened if I'd been that poster who gets panic attacks about the motorway? There was no option to go any other way or to wait in place, you just had to go where the police pointed you. You'd be a liability.

I think its fine to prefer not to drive certain places but 'can't' is unacceptable. You're a competent driver or you aren't and if you aren't then you get more lessons until you are or you don't drive.

I was going to say YABU because if you get on with it you'll get more confidence and overcome it.

Then you gave your examples and I thought 'fair play, you're right'. There are some things that just are beyond people. I can run 10k at a push but a half marathon is beyond me. Why can't driving be a similar analogy. YANBU and thank you for helping me rethink my perspective.

There is absolutely no shame in it and you shouldn’t feel otherwise if this is your comfort zone. I’ve known a couple of people like this and driving isn’t the only area of their life this manifests, which is limiting for them. But no shame at all

I limit myself.

The only thing I won't do is drive abroad, I have a real problem telling the difference between left and right. I can manage uk roads, but absolutely wouldn't trust myself to be able to drive on the opposite side. I'm sure I could manage it in an emergency, but dh has always driven if we've hired a car. I'd rather take the train or get a cab so I can look at the view anyway!

I prefer to drive when it's not busy, and to know where parking is before I go somewhere. If I have the chance, sometimes I do a Google Street view drive by if I'm going somewhere unfamiliar.

It doesn't normally stop me driving places, I just arrange it to be most comfortable for me, if I can.

We have a stupidly long car atm as well, so parking it can be a pain. I wasn't as bothered and didn't prep so much when I had my own tiny car!

I also stopped driving when I was pregnant, as I could feel that my depth perception had gone screwy. I think it's more about being self aware.

I agree OP. I passed my test at age 40, and was very nervous - took lessons for a year, and then continued to take lessons afterwards, and it never got rid of the nerves in some situations. I force myself to do things but go at quiet times - 6am motorways for sure. It hasn't made me less nervous even when I've practiced lots more - I still hate slip roads. I also find that my eyes are less good at night, so I don't drive then as much, on unlit roads. yes, they are limitations, but I feel safer with them, and I don't think it means I shouldn't be driving at all. You can't get less nervous unless you do drive, so there has to be a time when people who are nervous are going to be on the roads. I think it's far better to be aware of one's limitations and avoid things as needed, and challenge yourself as you can. Nobody ever has to drive on the motorway really - if you had to get to someone across the country in an emergency, you could go in other ways, the same as a non-driver would. OK maybe if you were diverted by one you'd have to, but mostly, it's up to you, and if you can live with the limitations, then it's no-one else's business. I avoid busy parking areas too. Maybe I am improving slowly with time, but I'm not going to risk stressful or difficult situations when I don't need to. It's been a huge challenge for me to get this far with the fear I had, and quite a triumph, so I will take what I have managed and be pleased, and gradually push myself as needed. I also don't care if it's a female thing - I'm not going to push myself into situations I find stressful just to make a point that women aren't scared

The amount of desperately anxious drivers out there who are probably so anxious they’re not concentrating properly, make me anxious... 😳

I must admit to never being able to relate to these flappy driver threads, but then I am a competitive drover (a woman). I couldn’t cope with knowing there was something that scared me and I was avoiding it, I’d have to tackle it and face it to make the thing hanging over me go away. I guess that’s a personality thing.

But doesn’t having huge limitations, even ones you’ve convinced yourself you can live with, bother you?

I guess that’s a personality thing

Congratulations

But sometimes tackling it doesn't make it go away. For example, I've forced myself onto the motorway etc lots of times, but it hasn't got easier. I keep forcing myself when I need to, and keep stressing. I've done it quite a lot now, and still dread it, every time, ove 10 years later. Tackling it doesn't mean you will actually overcome a fear. Sometimes knowing that you have worked at something, and done something that is for you a huge achievement, like starting driving at all, is enough.

So just let people cope with what they can, improve at the rate that they feel safe and comfortable with, and don't make them feel guilty enough that they end up getting into situations they aren't safe in.

I've only ever met Automatic Licence only women who are nervous drivers. Manual drivers are much better drivers and generally have more confidence.

I’m a bit of an anxious driver - late-learning, dyspraxic. I let myself off doing things some of the time and just try to make sure I’m becoming gradually more confident and not less so. I avoid multi-storey car parks and am not a huge fan of motorways, though I know perfectly well how to drive on them. I know if I had to do those things a lot it would be fine though and I’d get used to it - as I’ve got used to driving in my inner London borough.

I remember someone (ie a sane, seasoned driver) telling me about particular junctions they avoided if possible and I realised there are no prizes for making one’s driving life more stressful without particular need.

I’ve been driving for five years or so and have become gradually more confident in that time. I’m content with that.

For example, if you don't like driving in the dark or on a motorway, how would you cope if there was an accident and the only alternate route was the motorway? Or if the road you were on was closed for hours due to an accident (it happens) and you ended up having to drive to your destination in the dark

Well I would get on and do it. I don’t like driving in the dark on unlit roads

Happened to me between lockdowns last year, I was driving up home from England and about 50 miles from home they closed the motorway and I had to do a detour on dark unfamiliar roads, I managed it perfectly fine, I just didn’t particularly enjoy it

@SlavicIrish

I've only ever met Automatic Licence only women who are nervous drivers. Manual drivers are much better drivers and generally have more confidence.

What about manual drivers who now choose to drive automatics? (Me)

@SlavicIrish Auto only license here. I drive like a lunatic anywhere and everywhere. Not nervous in the slightest. Nice bit of stereotyping you've got going on there.

I’ve been driving for more than 30 years and have driven all kinds of vehicles in all kinds of conditions, but recently I find the glare of other people’s headlights really difficult. So I avoid driving in the dark except where there’s street lighting. The optician says there’s nothing wrong with my vision and I’m safe to drive at night, but I hate it. It’s so weird because I was always confident before. I think it’s fine to drive to your limits.

@SlavicIrish

I've only ever met Automatic Licence only women who are nervous drivers. Manual drivers are much better drivers and generally have more confidence.

or more accurately, manual drivers were more confident to start with so went for manual

while automatic only was a way to still drive and overcome some of the anxiety.

There would be less crash and less death or life changing injuries if people could accept to stick to their limit!