To think there is no shame in having self imposed limits with driving

[Cheeseandlobster]

I passed my test 2 years ago but remain nervous. I work 15 miles away in a city and have forced myself to do the drive but there are still parts of the city I won't drive in (it has no effect on my job), I go to the supermarket during quiet times so its easier to park, I have done the motorway but again do this at quiet times. This only affects me and the way I see it is that I went for 40 years not driving so just being able to drive myself to Aldi is brilliant. And I do still push myself to do different things but I have stopped putting pressure on myself as much as I used to as I am happy with my limits.

But on here threads from nervous drivers often contain a few posts from people who say that if you wont drive absolutely everywhere then you shouldn't be on the road etc.

I just think where else does this logic apply. I mean we don't say to people who cant run a marathon that they therefore shouldnt be running at all, or to those who are not confident cooks that they should try to cook gourmet food rather than tried and tested recipes they are comfortable with. I think we all have limitations somewhere and it is safer to do this sometimes. I know its a lifeskill but I don't depend on others for lifts so really where is the harm?

Aibu?

My mum is a nervous driver. She never asks for lifts either. But it does put a slant on what we do with her as she won't go places under her own steam. It's fine for her day to day but she won't drive to my house in case it goes dark 😕

LolaSmiles

who said the nervous driver wasn't driving within acceptable and reasonable range?
No one is advocating driving at 20 on a motorway.

On the other hand, staying in your comfort zone, but maybe taking advanced lessons, is not wrong.

On the other hand, a driver who believes themselves to be advanced but goes into a rage because someone is at 45 in 50 zone is dangerous.

@itsnotgolf

Honest about what? Being nervous? I really doubt that the men drivers I know are secretly nervous about driving..

Have you asked a driving instructor about it?

I know a couple of men who don't eve drive. Why do you think having a penis means someone is not nervous? I also have female friends who are rally drivers. It's not all about stereotypes...

@itsnotgolf

Why is it that it's always women who are nervous drivers? I don't know any men, personally. Are we, as a society, doing something to women and girls that makes driving into this big scary thing?

I’ve never met any men who would admit to being nervous drivers, either.

Which is why I decided, after passing my test, that I was determined to be as capable and confident a driver as any man. Now, I own a high-performance car which (in normal times) I drive on the motorways every day. I’m also perfectly happy to drive long distances in other countries.

I have never understood why so many women choose to limit themselves and their independence from men in this way. Why do so many of us not want to do anything a man can do, but better?

What makes you think that? How does disliking motorway driving or long distance driving in the dark affect my ability to react quickly to a difficult situation? It doesn't affect reaction times. And I can assure you I am more than capable of overtaking a cyclist safely - in fact I give cyclists more room than most, being one myself.

I don't think PP was referring to reaction times, more scenarios where you're forced to drive on roads (or in conditions) that you dislike.

For example, if you don't like driving in the dark or on a motorway, how would you cope if there was an accident and the only alternate route was the motorway? Or if the road you were on was closed for hours due to an accident (it happens) and you ended up having to drive to your destination in the dark?

I persoanlly think you may have misunderstood some of the other posters. It is more about people who apply limits that are actually dangerous to other road users or who massively impact the flow of the traffic. For example, only driving 40 on a motorway or breaking every ten seconds on a b road. The same can be said for over confident drivers also and I have seen as much many times on here.

I'll drive anywhere. I was a bit phased driving through central London as it didn't feel like driving anywhere else in the UK, but I still did it. I think it helps that I was 17 when I passed my test and immediately drove 18 miles to work on my own. Then I drove to the South coast from the North East. It was fine.

I'm no better or worse than anyone else so I don't limit myself.

The first time I drove on a motorway was by accident (pre sat nav) and I missed the last turning before an A road turned into a motorway. The idea of it scared me more than the reality as essentially it was barely any different to the A road I had been driving along, and the traffic was actually quite slow because it was very busy (although I know not all motorways are equal- I did feel quite worried on one near Birmingham that didnt have a central reservation!)

@itsnotgolf

Why is it that it's always women who are nervous drivers? I don't know any men, personally. Are we, as a society, doing something to women and girls that makes driving into this big scary thing?

Actually yes this is something that is happening to girls and women and it starts in childhood- this isn't specific to driving but just one other example.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/09/puberty-girls-confidence/563804/

This isn't just women being feeble or pathetic about driving- why not ask the question of why women aren't confident? What is society actually doing- confidence doesn't seem to be encouraged in girls and women. I think it's an inherent message and this is one of the results.

I do think that every driver should be capable of driving in any condition regardless

Given that the driving test doesn’t even cover motorway driving, that seems unrealistic (although obviously it is the ideal).
Also some conditions are very rare in England, I’ve never had to drive in any proper snow (not just a few flakes) for example. There been snow of course, but everything has been shut/I’ve been able to work from home, so I’ve never had to drive. So of course I’d be nervous driving in it, I’ve never had any experience.

It was a bright sunny day this morning, and a Nissan Micra was trundling along the slow lane of a reasonably normal M5 at about 60.

This was forcing everyone into the other two lanes.

In my mind that was a hazard - and I don't seek to drive much over 70, in a medium estate car.

There was no reason not to travel at 70. The car was not old, either.

The issue with being nervous about something is that you need to do it more to overcome your nerves, not avoid it. Driving, especially, is a skill that you do need to feel confident in. Nervous drivers do still cause accidents.

If a runner can't do marathons but can do a gentle 5k that's just a case of not having the stamina - they're not dangerous. A self-confessed nervous driver is potentially a risk, that's why people are concerned about them.

A nervous driver I know, who won't do motorways or unfamiliar areas, is so highly strung while driving it goes past alertness and well into overly reactive and jumpy. I don't feel safe in the car with her. Not that I feel safe with overly cocky drivers, either.

If someone said they were scared of the motorway because of other drivers I'd get it, but it always seems like lack of confidence in their own ability. So someone who won't drive on a motorway or somewhere they're not used to seems to be saying, to me "I don't trust myself to be able to handle and react to unexpected events or hazards at speed". That's not someone I want on a dual carriageway either.

The last time I nearly ended up stuck in a ditch (this afternoon!) it wasn't because of a nervous driver

it was a moronic driver (of a chelsea tractor as it happened) who felt confident enough to overtake a cyclist on a narrow road, driving too fast, and nearly cause a head-on collision with MY car.

Give me a nervous and slower driver any time. I can wait, and I can overtake when it's safe. I can't magically fly out of the road to avoid a twat ignoring everybody else.

I’m not sure we can realistically compare a potentially dangerous nervous driver and someone running 10km running rather than a marathon...

I don’t think I would pass my test now - so congrats on learning to drive later on. It sounds like you really appreciate it.

I think you should do what you want, but the mere fact you are aware of these limits you are placing on yourself means it bothers you, and it’s not brilliant for your long term self esteem to have to edit yourself to go to the shops at particular times or avoid motorways.

Don’t let other people set the pace for you, but I would try and push yourself slowly to tick off all the stuff that worries you now. Do refresher lessons if you need and push it slowly.

wesowereonabreak
My point was it's easy to say you do you, do what you are comfortable with and sod everyone else, but it is expected that we drive in a way that is appropriate for the road and conditions.

The issue is that unreasonably nervous drivers and unreasonably confident/speedy drivers are both problematic and view everyone else as a problem.

In terms of not going far, only having set routes etc then I'm firmly in the 'do what you like' camp, until it becomes a problem for someone else.

It do think it is fair to question someone's overall driving ability if they are so nervous that they avoid unfamiar roads as diversions can happen to anyone. In the event of an accident are they going to do the diversion competently, drive the diversion whilst being twitchy and unpredictable, or stop asap and call someone else to do the drive?

My experience is that it's not just women who are nervous drivers, but men just don't talk about it. My DH doesn't drive. By that I mean, he took lessons, passed his test, then decided he would just rather not drive. He hasn't driven a car in 11 years, and it hasn't inconvenienced anyone other than himself (and me occasionally). We are limited to living in town, where there are reasonable bus routes, but I like living within walking distance of shops etc anyway so that's not a problem.

I have 3 colleagues who choose not to drive, and they are all male. They have all chosen not to drive because it makes them nervous. My neighbour doesn't drive either, but I think that's because he was banned, rather than a choice.

All my female friends/colleagues who are nervous drivers do drive but have limits like op. They seem to drive confidently on roads/routes they know, but get nervous when going somewhere unfamiliar. Some of them are anxious about getting lost, while others are more anxious about their driving skills not being good enough when they don't know the road conditions.

I think it's fine to have limits as long as it's not causing dangers to other road users. Driving too slowly can be a problem, or being too hesitant at junctions. But if you're driving your familiar routes confidently then that shouldn't be a problem.

I drive wherever and whenever I want. I took 5 tries to pass my test, but as soon as I passed I drove in lots of unfamiliar situations with a more experienced driver (my mum, as she'd injured herself so couldn't drive for a while) so I became a lot more confident myself (and proficient in using a satnav as my mum is a rubbish navigator).

I dont think 60 is all that unreasonable when the speed limit is 70, although it sounds like the conditions made it suitable to travel faster. A lot of vans or small lorries are restricted to 60 miles an hour but I think it has become habit for people to think the minimum you should do on a motorway (when conditions permit) is 70.

I'm always surprised at the speed a lot of people travel in fog, or pelting rain when visibility is poor even with wipers on max speed. I cant believe their visibility is a whole lot better than mine and they're still doing 70.

Btw it wasnt me in the Nissan Micra!

I always drive appropriate to the road conditions. Its more that I will choose the times or route that I prefer. And if the carparks are quiet the shops are also quiet so its a win win.

I used to work with a man who passed his test at 30 and was nervous but I dont know other men who have confessed to this. Though they might well feel it. I think sadly it is a societal expectation that men dont feel nervous or at least admit to it. And I have met lots of men who think they are better drivers than they really are which is more dangerous imo

I have a micra. It wasn't me though

[quote ghostyslovesheets]@BramStoker

I once came upon this beauty on my drive down France - almost turned round and drove back![/quote]
I loved that bridge, but trying to look at the view and drive at the same time was tough.

Been a nervous driver for nearly forty years.
I only go to places where I'm familiar with the road or if the route is quiet.
I haven't driven on motorways for years and I don't even do dual carriageways anymore.
Suits me but it depends on your situation.
It bothers me because my mum lives a long way away , however, I'm lucky in that my husband quite likes driving.
If I lived on my own , I'd use a train.

I agree it is not just women who are nervous about driving, it is also men. I know one man who refuses to drive at all, I don't know any women like that (excluding very elderly relatives who never learned). I know another man who only drives a limited number of routes. It affects both men and women, but women are perhaps more open in admitting it. There are also common conditions like dyspraxia and autism that can make it difficult to drive. It's completely fine to drive those routes that you are comfortable with, and driving a bit is a huge step forward compared to not driving at all.