Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

@LookItsMeAgain I'm not 100% sure on the ins and outs but I do know that she was seeing someone else behind his back. However, I do know their set up was very different to ours. He actually took on the majority of the responsibilities for the kids/house and went part time at work as she had her own start-up business.

It is interesting to note however that she palms the kids off on her other half literally all the time- I actually feel quite sorry for him as he definitely has it worse than me.That's probably what's cemented this sense of duty in my head- the fact that my SO & his ex have the same idea of what makes a good step parent and have the same expectations of their new partners.

Unfortunately, I've come across a lot of men who expect the woman in their lives - mum, girlfriend, wife - to take on the mental loud of household chores. This comic strip by a French artist called Emma, which was published in The Guardian in 2017, brilliantly sums up the situation so many of us women find ourselves in.

The gender wars of household chores: a feminist comic
The French comic artist Emma illustrates the concept of the ‘mental load’. When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

@KatharinaRosalie well that's the thing, even they have learned that telling daddy does not yield results.

I actually feel quite sorry for him as he definitely has it worse than me.

Why do you think this? He doesn't do any parenting shitwork so the only person being palmed off is you! They are his kids!

That's probably what's cemented this sense of duty in my head- the fact that my SO & his ex have the same idea of what makes a good step parent and have the same expectations of their new partners.

Why do you think they are the authorities who get to dictate this to their partners while they, the actual parents, opt out as they please?

@frazzledasarock this list actually exists and he sees it. His view is that once we've paid everything out we should have the same amount of disposable income... which is all fair and good but he pays child support and for his car (I don't drive) so despite him earning more money than me, his outgoings are significantly higher so to make us have the same amount at the end of the month it's me that coughs up.

OP,
No apology required, but thank you.

All and I and all the other poster's just want is for you to see the woods from the trees.

I cannot believe how much this man is screwing you financially.

So unbelievable the top of my head is exploding🤯

The utility bills.
The morgage.
The childcare.

The nasty Ex wife.
Just unbelievable.

He is scum.
Utter scum.

We can see it.
Clearly.
Textbook user.

You will see it too, bathed in regret for the years/money/dreams/effort, you sacrificed.

The money thing is so huge.

It's just so shocking.

Even for MN, we are shocked at how much financial abuse you are being caught for.

Please keep posting.

I can't bear to think of you, so young, loosing your youth to this conniving lazy waster.

You are worth 10 of him.

@DrSbaitso I was referring to my partner's ex's new partner if that make sense? So, the step dad. My partner's ex treats her new partner the same way as my partner treats me- expects him to look after and pay towards the children and he happily does so.

I've had this 'why should I conversation' when his ex wanted me to contribute to the kids more formally (e.g. chip in for football clubs, school uniform, childcare during school holidays) and when I refused saying that I didn't believe that was my responsibility, she then decided to bring my age into it and said to my partner 'this is what you get for going out with someone who's in their 20s- all she thinks of is lining her own pockets and doesn't give a s*t about the kids'. I really let this get under my skin and now probably overcompensate massively.

They’re a right pair of chancers, aren’t they?!

Arseholes.

That's probably what's cemented this sense of duty in my head- the fact that my SO & his ex have the same idea of what makes a good step parent and have the same expectations of their new partners.

I am sure they are both very happy for you to jump through hoops to show what a great step parent you can be. The more they can get you to do, the less they have to do themselves. And, and you have discovered, they are not even grateful.

Why feel sorry for him? He is just using you and feeling sorry for him Fred's into that dynamic.

This is all at the expense of your own life, your mental health and your potential children. No one is going to praise you for looking out for your own interests. You have to do that for yourself.

Your responsibility is to look after your own interests. By all means be kind to people but honestly, don't take on responsibilities that rightly belong to the parents.

What will your step children think when they are old enough to understand how much their father (and possibly even their mother) delegated to you. They will learn to treat you without consideration. That is not a great future.

Get rid and find someone who really values you. Please, now while you still have time to have a full life.

I’m much older than you OP, so is my DH.

I have older DC from a previous relationship. I shoulder the bulk of their expenses it is no my DH’s responsibility although he would happily sub my older DC.

DH & I earn similar and we share finances in that we both contribute toward household expenditure. We also have DC together too.

Your boyfriend is screwing you over really badly.

Stop paying for him and his DC. They’re not your responsibility. I’d like to say an older woman would be wise to your boyfriend and not touch him and his scrounging ways with a barge pole. But sadly having read plenty of posts on here, for some reason there are far far too many women with very low bars sunk deep into the ground.

However, I do know their set up was very different to ours. He actually took on the majority of the responsibilities for the kids/house and went part time at work as she had her own start-up business.

After all you have written I am deeply cynical and wonder if his ex wife's account of things would be very different. He is evidently lazy and tight fisted and I don't believe those things develop in adulthood if you're accustomed to being a fully contributing, responsible part of a household.

If he genuinely took the lions share of responsibility for his children then why does he need you to point out when they need new clothes? Have you been saving him from the consequences of shit parenting for so long he's forgotten how to do it? Would a woman who had confidence in her children's fathers ability be calling and abusing his new partner about childcare arrangements? Why the hell is she even calling you? You should insist she makes arrangements with your OH and stay out of it, you're not a baby sitter. You seem proud of the fact you put the children first but haven't questioned why your partner doesn't.

I wonder if you are enjoying the novelty of playing happy families and your self esteem is boosted by thinking you are indispensable because you do so much. You seem to have only recently begun to question this because your partner has made you aware he takes you for granted rather than appreciates you.

I suspect you will stay and as someone has said your life will be full of regrets.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@DrSbaitso I was referring to my partner's ex's new partner if that make sense? So, the step dad. My partner's ex treats her new partner the same way as my partner treats me- expects him to look after and pay towards the children and he happily does so.

I've had this 'why should I conversation' when his ex wanted me to contribute to the kids more formally (e.g. chip in for football clubs, school uniform, childcare during school holidays) and when I refused saying that I didn't believe that was my responsibility, she then decided to bring my age into it and said to my partner 'this is what you get for going out with someone who's in their 20s- all she thinks of is lining her own pockets and doesn't give a s*t about the kids'. I really let this get under my skin and now probably overcompensate massively.[/quote]
I can't believe the cheek of the ex! Wanted you to contribute more formally!? Who the fucking FUCK does she think she is?
I probably would have replied 'the children have two parents-why on earth do you want me to pay for your children's activities??'
Honestly

Ok so now you've been bending over backwards for years paying for the children and the house and everything else showing what an amazing step parent you are, I assume the ex is really really grateful and now thinks you're a great gal does she?
No?
Then stop.

OP, FFS. Just leave him.

You will have enough money for a deposit on a home of your own, a good career, and the chance to have your own children if that's now something that appeals to you.

Every day that you stay is another day of putting your life on hold to support his.

Go. Just go.

I often say this, there is no need to live with a man, you can have a relationship and live apart. Bit late for this.
What would happen if you refuse to do his DC washing and bed changing? when he mentions it you say, 'you know where the washing machine is'. If you don't want to cook do something for yourself, when he says something you say, 'your kids, YOU feed them'

I sent this to my DH last night. And he responded by immediately organising an appointment for the DC I had moaned about on the weekend. Hopefully he'll 'get it' long term.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-practice/201908/tired-doing-the-invisible-work-in-your-family

This is only the case if you own the house as tenants in common and he dies and leaves his half to his children.

This is the thing, OP is behaving as if they are married and the children are hers. Paying 50:50, assuming the caring role. However her partner KNOWS she isn't. And deep down so does she. She doesn't think he will leave her the house, he doesn't think the children will stay there with her. Because they aren't married and the children aren't hers.

OP why are you OK with him behaving as if you are his wife and mother of the children when it suits him KNOWING if you split or he died, you'd be treated as a partner and not a wife and mother?

All of the shit, none of the benefits. "Same disposable income" only works when a couple has the same expenses. He has many many more expenses than you, which he is using you to fulfill. He has many more caring responsibilities. Ditto. And you're just letting him.

Oh and get a new therapist.

They are chancers.

And I do think it is low esteem that ropes nice women like the OP.

A woman with self esteem would respond to the Ex "off with you, not my financial responsibility".

OP,

I think a great exercise for you would be to calculate
the extra morgage payment.
Extra utilities
Extra food
All extra costs for the house like insurance, council tax
The costs that are specifically child related.

I dare you to calculate the thousands and thousands that you have subbed these two chancers for.

I cannot believe the money involved.

So unbelievable.
You need these figures to fully appreciate how badly screwed over the past 4 years.

Not to mind your time.

This is one of the most shocking threads on MN.

And that takes some saying.

Can you imagine what that money would mean for YOUR pension.

Thousands.

Yes, the therapist. Has your therapist ever pointed out the extent to which he is using you?

I cannot believe the money involved.

Don't forget the money she's saved doing their childcare and home schooling. Childcare isn't cheap.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream that's pretty much verbatim what I said. As much as loads of people may think I'm a mug for contributing at all, I decide the things I put towards. Clothes, days out, holidays, gifts, food, etc... the things that they enjoy or use while they are with us. But it's like she caught wind of this and thought that she'd manipulate me into contributing to costs that are her responsibility on top of the maintenance she received. It is beyond cheeky and I was really not impressed. Needless to say, we do not speak anymore.

Why should you have the same disposable income as him ..when he has two children and a car you don't drive?

Please please help yourself and either reset this relationship...maybe possible (but unlikely) so he takes responsibility for his children completely....

Or you are just setting yourself up for a miserable/resentful future as the situation is so unfair

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@frazzledasarock this list actually exists and he sees it. His view is that once we've paid everything out we should have the same amount of disposable income... which is all fair and good but he pays child support and for his car (I don't drive) so despite him earning more money than me, his outgoings are significantly higher so to make us have the same amount at the end of the month it's me that coughs up.[/quote]
What the actual? He has children therefore you have to pay? Do you benefit from his car?

@MrsTerryPratchett

I know!!

Half the women I know doing home schooling are traumatised from the experience, imagine doing that for someone else's children.

Unbelievable.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@RandomMess Nope. All of the utility bills & food is split 50:50. If anything, I'll be the one to notice that their jeans are getting a little short or trainers are pinching and just go and buy it myself. Mainly because whenever I let him know about it he'll say "Oh yeah, I'll get onto that" and weeks later our 12 year old's jeans are looking more like peddle pushers.

Oh absolutely! Don't get me wrong I love our house and feel very blessed to own such a beautiful property at my age. But when we were house hunting I literally saw my dream home which quite literally took my breath away when we walked in (and would have been much lower maintenance). However, it wasn't an option for SO as it felt too small for all 4 of us. It sounds really immature to say this but I actually can't believe how much gas and electricity costs in this house- I thought a mistake had been made when I got our first winter utility bill.[/quote]
HIS kids are there 50% of the time and he has you paying 50/50 on bills? And buying his kids clothes?

He targeted you, he groomed you, he isolated you, everything is about him. EVERY one of yours posts.

Nowt about you. I absolutely hate men who do this to kind women like you. Because they know exactly what they are doing! He is over FORTY, OP. Wake up! Please.