Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

If you push it, he might have a child with you to keep you sweet/trapped, but he'll be just as shit, lazy, selfish and financially exploitative....more so, actually, because you really would be the mother of this child, and he was so gracious as to deign to impregnate you when THIS WAS WHAT YOU WANTED, so you must show your eternal gratitude by being even more of a maidbot ATM than you are right now.

With this history, the chances of him actually taking on board anything you said are much lower than the chances of you being able to find another man with whom you'd be much happier having a child.

There is no prize for living like this, OP. There is no fairy godmother. It doesn't even make you a morally better person, though obviously you are lovely. Your reward is almost certainly more of the same.

@JensonsAcolyte I completely take that on board, but I've known the kids since they were little and although I am not their mother, I love them like they are my own. Well, as much as it's possible to love someone else's children anyway. I genuinely don't want them to go without.

However, I do accept I've probably been a little bit brain washed. Their mum is a textbook playground bully who has threatened to sue me for backdated maintenance (which i know she can't do, and is laughable) simply because I live with my other half. She's phoned me up shouting at me when I've refused to cancel my plans to look after the kids when she's needed it. Honestly, there have been so many situations where I have been made to feel like the worst step mum in the whole world when all I've tried to do is set boundaries in place. Because of this, I think I've probably just rolled over and do everything I can for the children to avoid criticism. It's actually quite sad looking at this written down.

I hope he takes this on board but it feels like low probability you can change an older guy who thinks doing all the work is the little woman’s job.
You aren’t financially strained. You’re financially fine but you’re carrying this man and his family (I know you love the kids but honestly- I’m my own children’s biological mother and Dh just bought more school uniform. I mentioned they need it. I mentioned they need it again and said that would be your job. And if I had had to mention it again he knows It would be a BIG DEAL.

@RandomMess That's a great idea- why have I never thought of this?

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@RandomMess That's a great idea- why have I never thought of this?[/quote]
Because you have been programmed by him to think that your situation is normal, and right, and what a good person, by which I mean woman, should do.

@Wallywobbles thank you for the great advice. This is going to sound really bad, but I feel like my mental load is so overwhelming at the moment that I wouldn't have the time/patience to teach the kids chores.

I think this is something I'll need to chat to my partner about picking up. I'll create a skills matrix of everything that needs to be learned but get him to teach them. Fingers crossed it will make him actually see how many jobs there are!

Blimey just leave!!
You really are his slave.
Get some self respect and find a man that loves you and doesn’t you use you as a housemaid and nanny.

I know you don't want to hear this but your future is going to be full of regrets. And they will all be about the life you wasted in this relationship instead of living the life you could have done.

But I suspect you haven't reached the bottom yet. I hope for your sake that it come's fast now that you are beginning to open your eyes.

Your partner and your father are not exactly impartial, are they. They are in fact invested in having you as a woman doing the wife work, looking after children, keeping the household going, cooking & cleaning.

It would really take something if they could really understand the unfairness.

Most people post on this thread know it from the other side. We understand how you 'blame yourself' for having started off doing everything, are now taken for granted so that the playing field is really nit even. Telling us in explanation that you have 'dug your own grave' really isn't necessary. We know exactly how it works.

Paying 50:50 is reasonable but why are you paying half for his children? The children have two parents, what are you thinking? This sounds like extreme people pleasing behaviour, and decent father would not want his new partner to pay half of his shared for his children.

Another implication of being tenants in common are that if anything happened to my SO and he passed before me (and with the age gap, this is more of a likelihood) the kids could force me to sell the house.

This is only the case if you own the house as tenants in common and he dies and leaves his half to his children.

You didn't get your dream home and your expenses are higher than they would be if you didn't need such a big house for his children.

My heart breaks for you not realising how unfair this set up is for you.

What does your therapist say about it? If they are telling you it's fair and that you should continue to make the children's beds while they are in their father's home I would be very interested to know what branch of therapy they use.

Fair play to you, for trying to get him to see reason. How long are you going to give it? Beware once he notices that you are serious the odd gesture to keep you quiet. Is that what you really want for yourself? How would it be to have a partner you honestly lives you and treats you as an equal

@RandomMess

Tell he needs to set up an account for the DC kids so you can pay for their stuff from that!

You should pay less than him for food/utilities etc not necessarily 25% but certainly less than 50%!!!

It's madness.

No, he needs to buy his own childrens clothes, not a joint account for OP to do it. She's busy enough working, and needs down time, they aren't her kids they have 2 parents already, three's a crowd.

The few men that I know who treat their partners/wives really well, rather than well enough to avoid complaints, are all on their second marriages, having been surprised that their first wife insisted on divorce.

The divorce was sufficient shock to make them realise what they have lost through selfishness and to mend their ways.

I don't know anyone who has just come to that realisation without the deviating shock.

Good luck.

I’ve spent the morning putting together notes for my Professional Discussion on Tuesday, it’s only a practice one and yet I’m stressed up to the eyeballs.

Dh has just stuck his head in the room and asked if I can make him a sandwich as he’s going into a meeting. I’ve bitten his head off.

I feel bad, as he’s a good egg, but I just wanted to say that management apprenticeships are really quite fucking stressful and your partner is really lucky if this is the first time you’ve snapped.

OP your latest update about how the children's mother treats you has made me even angrier. I really think a MASSIVE adjustment is needed RIGHT NOW, as everyone else is saying, where you make is crystal clear that your eyes are fully open that you will no longer be paying for these children that already have two parents or taking on all the mental load or shitwork OR be treated like shit or like a maid by EITHER their mother OR father. I'm a bit speechless to be honest. I can't really see a way back honestly and think you'd be better off separating and taking your half of everything. Sorry. You deserve much much better. Take what's yours and get out.

He has a very good deal out of this. He gets a home He couldn't otherwise afford, a live-in nanny and a housekeeper who pays more than her fair share. OP, what do you get out of this, now that he has even stopped showing any gratitude. It also sounds like he would be happy for you to stop getting promoted so that you can crack on looking after his kids. I understand that when you love someone you want to care for them but unfortunately he has seen this and completely taken advantage of it. This is not the sort of relationship that has your best interests at heart. You should not be paying anything for the kids and his ex wife should not be contacting you. This man needs to realise that he is the parent, not you.

The saddest thing I find about these threads is how long it takes for the penny to really drop. Not just oh he doesn't realise drop, proper he is really taking me for granted and letting me pay half his half for his children realisation.

Bad enough when you have children in common but financially solvent, working women without their own children spending their lives as drudge to an entitled man and his children is to my mind such a terrible waste to no good purpose.

I am agog that you are paying 50:50 on bills when 3 out of the 4 people in the house should be your DP's responsibility to pay for. I am actually a bit shocked if I am honest at how mean with money your DP is. Truly an appalling man.

OP thinks she’s paying 50:50, but in fact she’s forking out more on her boyfriends children as he doesn’t buy them essentials till OP feels compelled to do it. Or to just do it because the father of the children ignores his kids walking around in clothes too small for them.

OP, understand your boyfriend is a spectacularly shit excuse of a father. And he’s probably purposely ignoring his children’s needs as he knows you’ll stump up the cash and go buy them essentials.

He sounds like an utterly disgusting sponger.

You’re the live in nanny that he shags. Uh get rid.

OP draw up a list of expenses.

All the bills you pay and all the extra expenses you pay for.

Then draw up a list of what he pays for.

Oh god I just read your updates, so we have
🚩- large age age
🚩- left your hometown and support network
🚩- he’s tight with money
🚩- you look after his children
🚩- your mental health is suffering because of the mental load you have taken on for this man
🚩- he doesn’t support or acknowledge your accomplishments beyond house work

A relationship doesn’t have violent for it to be toxic. You’re putting yourself in such a dangerous position, your mental health is already suffering. Please take off the rose tinted glasses and look at this relationship objectively.

If it's not too much of a personal question - why did he leave his first wife/partner or did she leave him?
If she left him, why did she do that?
Do you know why their relationship ended?
It would be very interesting to find out what the 'final straw' was in that relationship.

Please listen to the suggestions and advice offered by the likes of @billy1966 and @RandomMess and @Whythesadface as it's coming from a good place and you really really need to find somewhere else to live for a month, and simply stop doing chores around the house for him (stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him & his kids, stop buying stuff for his kids after all they are HIS kids and HE has to provide for them not you).

If you do split with this man, take half of the house. You’ve been doing too much of the housework and childcare.

My 5-yo will notice if his trousers are too short or shoes pinching. Tell the DC they are old enough to pay attention to what they wear and tell their dad if they have grown out of things. Dad, not you.

@JensonsAcolyte good luck on your professional discussion. I'm dreading this part of the apprenticeship already and it wont be for another year.

@WorkingStepMum90 thank you.

I’m not being glib but you’ll find some of the management/psychology theories you’ll learn really useful to understand your dynamic at home.

There’s a reason shitty and abusive men hate their women getting an education...