Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm guessing he's older than you and you've been in abusive relationships before (plus maybe grown up around abusive / unhappy relationship dynamics) so you can't see how unhealthy a dynamic this is.

Just because you've previously been with a a 10/10 wanker doesn't mean you should accept being with a 7/10 wanker. He's still a rubbish partner.

You are spot on. He's 11 years older and her last long-term relationship was abusive. Sister is in an abusive relationship as well.

OP, I'm sure you are just thinking mn is trigger-happy with LTB. But seeing this situation from the outside it does sound less than good. Please consider the advice given and keep it in mind.

I know you feel that people are being a bit harsh but I would cry if my kids were in your situation. All the rants about equality I've had (and listened to).

Life's a learning opportunity not a spectator sport.

Seriously my DDs did their beds way younger than that. Like 6&7.

In this house kids are now 12, 15, 15 & 16.

Everyone cooks one main meal a week. I do 2, DH does 1.

Everyone does their own washing and cleaning.

Cleaner does their rooms and bathrooms once a month. And ours 2x week because we pay for it.

Everyone helps with the animals (sheep farm) and everyone knows how to do everything from car maintenance to birthing. And if they don't now they'll be roped in to watch, help and learn next time.

Make a list or trawl through here and find all the skills they'll need to know before they leave home (ie by 18) and start showing them. Then get them to do it and then next skill on the list. In a year they'll be competent and they'll realize their dad is a waste of space.

Really would you want your step kids to mirror your relationship with their dad with their future partners?

@Wallywobbles

You sound like a great mum and are certainly ahead of me on the upskilling.
I definitely need to buck up.😉

But I really don't think it is the OP's job to train those children to help out because their father is a tight, lazy fxxker.

The OP is neither their mother nor step mother.

She is the unmarried partner of their father.

She needs to get the hell out and think about a future beyond being Nanny/house keeper/teacher to some older man who is avoiding his responsibilities at all cost.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream LOL. I wish I had said that.

Honestly, I'm mad at myself for even questioning myself over this now - of course it's antiquated and wrong. I think that some people just have a way of turning things around and making you start thinking 'am I in the wrong here?'[/quote]
My not so D, H does the same. Whenever I've tried to discuss things like this with him, he twists or denies or attacks or suddenly capitulates saying of course he'll stop doing the behaviour that hurts. Of course two or three days later he's back at it. Having someone you love and trust continually doing things like this messes with your mind and damages your self confidence and self esteem. Because of the nature of the relationship with a SO and the level of trust and vulnerability this behaviour makes you doubt yourself, second guess your own thoughts. I can't even follow logic anymore when these things happen, he does something selfish and I feel worthless. I wish I'd left 2 years ago when I let him talk me into trying again. I am slowly amongsted SN DC and my own illness getting my ducks in a row, but I'll never really be completely free of him now. The sooner you leave the better.

@billy1966 that's what I'd hope too but in the meantime she might as well share her skills and stop this nonsense perpetuating into another generation.

@Therealjudgejudy

Why oh why are you putting up with being treated like the maid?

The amount of threads like this lately makes me despair

God me too, these type of Cinderella threads are relentless, gives me the rage.

You say this about your sister OP -
My sister is also in a situation where she had a baby with a bad guy and she's stayed with him because she can't afford not to. I take comfort in the fact that financially,

That means that whatever set up you were both brought up in which I have to guess was violent or at least abusive, you are both making sure you carry on that scenario and ensure your DCs will not know normal from abusive either and will live the unhappy, used lives that you and your sister have.
Do you want that for your DCs?

Wow, he's deeply sexist.
I dump him and would move out.
To him, you're a handy hole for him to stick it in and an unpaid nanny and skivvy.
Get out now.
Hate men like this.

@Taikoo

Wow, he's deeply sexist. I dump him and would move out. To him, you're a handy hole for him to stick it in and an unpaid nanny and skivvy. Get out now. Hate men like this.

And not just that- she works full time and pays MORE than half the mortgage! The wanker has picked a winner there!

OP,sorry to be so facetious. You've had a lot of stick and you've taken it on the chin. I really hope you've had a chance to reflect and realise that there's no reason why you can't leave this pig for someone decent and have a proper life and family of your own. Maybe even your sister too

You’ve been groomed. He’s taught you to expect this treatment - it happens slowly and it feels like ‘normal’ when you’re in it.

It’s not. It’s not OK. You are worth so very much more.

I really hope this thread that was started by the OP because her gut was telling her something was not right, reflects, takes action and protects herself.

It is so awful reading about so many women on MN that are treated so badly.

It's always really nice women than get sucked it.

All posts are to help you see what we can clearly see.

Please update us OP when you feel able.
Wishing you the very best.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream thank you for your lovely message. I've taken it on the chin because I completely understand that if it was anyone else, I'd want to shake them too. Some of it's been a bit on the nose, but that's the risk you take when you post something like this online.

The advice I have received has not gone unnoticed. I explained to my partner last night that I thought his behaviour was sexist and that he'd be very hard pushed to find a woman who loves his children like I do and works hard for our family. I also asked him to imagine what this house would look/sound and feel like if I wasn't here. I then asked him to do the same except imagine that I was here alone. He agreed that his life would be a lot harder, and mine a lot easier. I really hope the penny has dropped but all of the posts I have seen have opened my eyes enough for me to say if nothing changes and endures, then I'm gone.

@billy1966 firstly, let me apologise for essentially biting your head off originally. On reflection, I don't think you meant the post in the way that I read it. This is my first post and I was really shocked to see firstly the number of people that have responded, but also that my character was being called into question. I completely agree I have let this go too far but I think some posters are forgetting that a) I did call my partner out on this b) I didn't back down c) I was never forced into doing the household tasks, I just made a rod for my own back I guess because for the most part I do actually enjoy making my house look nice & creating something nice in the kitchen. It's only when I actually wanted a break it dawned on me that I've basically dug my own grave.

You are right, I posted on here because I was really baffled as to how my partner thought he was in the right. I tried to talk to my dad about it but his response was "Oh poor partner's name, sounds like you gave him a right bollocking.". He then changed the subject and started talking about his dog's worming tablets. For the first time I turned to an online community because I needed to sense check that I'm not actually crazy for challenging him on his behaviour.

I hope you get results, OP. Statistically, though, it is really unlikely. People like this rarely change. If he does, wonderful, stay happy. If not, please do not become another promising young woman who vanished inside the black hole of some sexist turd's ego. It happens all the time.

Welcome to Mumsnet, where the advice is blunt but almost always in your best interests.

In your shoes I’d be having a conversation about why he thinks you should pay more towards the house, rather than have him ring fence his deposit (please tell me he hasn’t done this as well). You are paying extra to subsidise his children.

The spilt of housework and childcare is obviously unfair, but you know this. He needs to step up and take on more; bedtimes, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, homework etc.

Look at it in terms of how much free time/spare money you each have. That’s usually the easiest way of showing how glaring the mismatch is.

Good luck.

Well that sounds really promising OP. But don't leave it too long. Check back here in say six months and really evaluate if things have actually changed or not. Don't let the rest of your youth slip away! Stay strong! Good luck!

One last thing. I know the ladies here can be harsh, but by god, they fucking know what they're talking about

@JensonsAcolyte This is a decision that I'm actually quite happy with- it's the one time I dug my heels in with what was in my best interests. He wanted to ring fence the deposit, and I wanted him to as well. However, what we didn't realise is that you ring fence your deposit then you have to be tenants in common rather than joint owners of the property. The person who has laid down the deposit then has more rights than you which didn't feel right to me given how all of our finances up until that point were split 50:50 despite him having children. And I mean everything was 50:50- right down to buying the kids new trainers.

Another implication of being tenants in common are that if anything happened to my SO and he passed before me (and with the age gap, this is more of a likelihood) the kids could force me to sell the house. My nan was in a similar situation when her long term partner died and his children tried to force her to sell the house. It was incredibly stressful for her on top of the grief. So we agreed we would be joint owners so that the kids would inherit the house only when I had passed away. He was taking a risk in this as if we do split up, I would be entitled to half of everything. However, hand on heart, I wouldn't touch his deposit money if that happened- I'd never do anything to hurt the children.

I completely agree with everything that's been said about him picking up more of the work. To be completely honest, when we moved in, I moved away from my home town and don't know many mums or people in a similar situation to me. All my friends are pretty much still single or don't have children yet so find it hard to relate to some of the things I do through. I thought I'd come on here just to check what other mums or even women in my situation think.

I hope he contributes more £ to cover towards the extra costs of the DC - food, water etc as well as finding all their clothes, activities?

You only have a large expensive 5 bed house in order to house his DC otherwise I'm sure you'd prefer a smaller one - less council tax, less to heat and less cleaning!

You must see how wrong it is that you are paying 50/50 for everything (more than that for the mortgage) when you are only 1/4 of the household? Why would you pay half for trainers for his kids?

Have a think about why you feel you should be paying half for HIS children. They have a mother. He is USING you to subsidise himself.

If they didn’t have a mother around, and you had stepped into that role, and had the protection of marriage then this would be an ok situation (although I’d still expect him to do half the parenting and housework!) but that’s not what’s happening here.

He’s basically fleecing you.

@RandomMess Nope. All of the utility bills & food is split 50:50. If anything, I'll be the one to notice that their jeans are getting a little short or trainers are pinching and just go and buy it myself. Mainly because whenever I let him know about it he'll say "Oh yeah, I'll get onto that" and weeks later our 12 year old's jeans are looking more like peddle pushers.

Oh absolutely! Don't get me wrong I love our house and feel very blessed to own such a beautiful property at my age. But when we were house hunting I literally saw my dream home which quite literally took my breath away when we walked in (and would have been much lower maintenance). However, it wasn't an option for SO as it felt too small for all 4 of us. It sounds really immature to say this but I actually can't believe how much gas and electricity costs in this house- I thought a mistake had been made when I got our first winter utility bill.

So he had a 4 and 9 year old when you met.
Sounds like your his childcare.
Make a list of all the jobs.
One for child chore. Things that happen due to his children.
One for cleaning, one for paperwork.
Print them out, laminate and joke with him.
Lets sign the job too see who does it.
Also have a box each in a spare room just for him and his children, and dump stuff in it.
Tell him he needs to put this stuff away, and watch it grow.
Then when he asks for X. Tell him to look in the box.

Why are you a door mat?
He has kids and an ex did that not tell you anything
You are intelligent enough to understand this, surely.

Tell he needs to set up an account for the DC kids so you can pay for their stuff from that!

You should pay less than him for food/utilities etc not necessarily 25% but certainly less than 50%!!!

It's madness.

Assuming you were born in 1990 You has wasted your late twenties with this man. Don’t waste a minute longer.