My SO has never so much as raised his voice at me
There's more than one kind of abuse and many kinds of abusers
I suggested they learned to change their own beds as they are 9 and 12 now, but even my therapist said it's unreasonable to expect children to change a bed
Utter bollocks! The 9 year old might need some help making up the bed m (from their FATHER) but a 12 year old is absolutely capable and it's absolutely appropriate they should! My dd was certainly doing this from around 9 onwards with some help making up initially. I'm betting the therapists has no kids of their own? Or else has a nanny?
Why are you seeing a therapist? Is it because of the prior abusive relationship? How did you find them? Because unfortunately therapist isn't a protected occupation any numpty can set up shop in that business in this country with zero qualifications or training
Your therapist needs sacked, too yep! A good therapist would have spotted you were being used and abused here.
Far as I can tell there is AT LEAST financial abuse, practical abuse (you're doing the vast vast majority of the housework) and mental abuse (gaslighting, convincing you this set up is acceptable...)
However the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim
DARVO - a common tactic employed by abusers. Have you had any good quality specific therapy relating to the past abuse?
It's threads like this that make me seriously wonder why people express sympathy when I say I'm single.
Amen to that! Single in terms of haven't lived with another adult (aside from dd briefly after she turned 18) and soooo glad given the shit some women put up with apparently merely to not have the bullshit pity from others at DARING to be single.
It was me, but I was furloughed and he wasn't.
Then at the very least he should have been doing all the rest of the housework and mental load at this time to keep things fair - bet he wasn't! Did their mother do any?!
DO NOT show him the thread, men like this do have the possibility of becoming violent/aggressive that may not be safe
Get legal/financial advice on the house
Leave him
Leave the therapist and get a reputable one trained and experienced in recovery from abuse inc mental
DO NOT get pregnant by this loser!
If you think things are bad now they will be infinitely worse when you're recovering from birth, sleep deprived, touched out etc
when we first met I felt safe with him because he was the opposite to my ex- calm, laid back, never shouted etc...
No he's just a more CLEVER abuser!
I am the child of DA inc DV but my mum (the main victim) and I totally agree that the worst and hardest to deal with abuse is the mental - and that's coming from a woman who's had broken bones, busted up face, choke marks etc
Stay single for a while and focus on your career and apprenticeship. definitely - years rather than months because you need your mind and heart to have time to reset after at least 2 abusive relationships
I would say "if you were my daughter..." but actually my dd I hope I have raised not to put up with crappy men, she's only 20 but so far it mostly appears to be working. She dumped one for sloppy eating habits! She certainly won't put up with disrespectful treatment.
I think pp meant they'd be weeping FOR their daughter to be in such an awful relationship not that they'd be disappointed in the daughter.
Your self respect/esteem clearly does need working on as does your sisters. I too am wondering about your childhood. My response to mine was to be absolutely determined no man was EVER going to treat me as my father did my mother. My sister basically became my father and that's why her relationships have failed, again I think she was trying to avoid being like our mother and went too far the other way. My brother in trying to not be like our father, can be too passive in his relationships.
It's extremely unlikely you'll see a permanent change, a short term one perhaps if he senses he is likely to lose his maid/nanny/free sex but lazy, entitled chauvinists never really change.
Make sure your contraception is sewn up tight!
Nope. All of the utility bills & food is split 50:50
And you're only responsible for maybe 1/3! He and HIS TWO dc are responsible for the rest you are being conned.
I'm betting when you buy jeans or whatever for HIS kids he doesn't repay you?
The kids mother absolutely cannot come after you for ANYTHING so don't give her even the chance to go at you
I'll create a skills matrix of everything that needs to be learned but get him to teach them. that is still you taking responsibility for the mental load of this - their parents should be doing this
He actually took on the majority of the responsibilities for the kids/house and went part time at work as she had her own start-up business according to whom was this the case? Him?
I think a great exercise for you would be to calculate
the extra morgage payment.
Extra utilities
Extra food
All extra costs for the house like insurance, council tax
The costs that are specifically child related.
I dare you to calculate the thousands and thousands that you have subbed these two chancers for.
Totally agree - I reckon it runs to £10,000's easily
At this point you're painting the target on your own back.
Agreed
Stop being a martyr
You earned that money it's yours by rights.
Please leave ASAP