Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

You’ve got one life why would you spend time money your beautiful precious life cleaning a 5 bed for some ungrateful twit with two step kids ? And spending your money on their needs ? Half a pair of his kids trainers ? Just no walk on and out very fast and reclaim your life. Get an apartment and a cleaner and start living

Something that just leapt out was that you walked away with nothing once before and would be happy to do so again.

You kind of state this like it is somehow laudable and virtuous?

Why do you think that? Someone, somewhere has taught you that giving up every bit of yourself and every thing that you own is something that is appropriate for women to do to achieve the super high status of being a self-sacrificing Victorian 'Angel in the Home' type figure.

It's not true! It's YOUR money, your assets, your assets. You earned it, you own it, it is to be put away for your own future stability and prosperity, so that you are not a burden on your own children or nieces or nephew later in your life.

I love and believe in generosity, but there is something off in how you are almost gagging to give your financial well-being and assets away.

Try not to think that the highest calling is to not care about money at all but rather to think that prudent saving and investing to pay for your own stable future is morally right!

Assets are so important I mentioned them twice!

Your adulthood pre kids is precious time to invest in you - your career, your friendships, your dreams, put money away for the future. Your SO sees this time as his opportunity for you to invest in him, his kids and his dreams.

You overpay (relative to your responsibilities)
You use your spare time to do his drudge work
You use your mental capacity to be thoughtful for him and his kids

Who is taking care of you? Who is looking out for your best interests? Making sure that you have time and space to study and rest? Helping you look ensure you have money invested for when you need it? Making YOUR bed for you? Putting healthy food in YOUR belly? Making sure you're happy enough you don't need to turn to drink?

He doesn't even make sure that you get to your company Christmas party safely.

There's no kindness here, you can't spend your life with an unkind man.

Oh god. Does he have magic bedroom skills.?

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@ForeverAintEnough12 Honestly, I am really not materialistic and wouldn't want the money. I've walked away from a relationship before with nothing to my name and I'd do it again if that's what I wanted.

I know the resounding feedback is to end the relationship, but considering I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that. I've had very strong words about what needs to change, and if they don't then he can't say he was never told.[/quote]
It’s nothing to do with whether you are materialistic or not @WorkingStepMum90 you wouldn’t say to your boss ‘oh just pay me half my wage I’m not materialistic’

Your OH wanted and insisted that you combine finances. This means you pay for things for his children and you pay more of the mortgage. It also means half of his deposit is yours. I don’t know why you wouldn’t walk with away with half of your house in a split. It’s the normal sensible thing to do. Why walk away from what is yours?

I hope you carefully consider whether he is changing or not. You should have more free time , more money to yourself, a nice clean house and well cooked food while doing half the cooking and cleaning you were doing before. From all you have said about him I don’t see it happening but you can of course see if it does.

This ^

If you walk away, you don't walk away skint. You get back your fair share so you can afford to set yourself up with a comfortable new home. It doesn't have to be as big but no way should it be a downgrade in how safe and comfortable it is.

If he can't buy you out, that's not your problem. Plenty of space for him and 2 kids in a 3 bed.

The whole basis of you paying much more each month was to compensate for the lack of deposit so it "fair" and half your house.

If the children are with you 50/50 why is he also paying the ex maintenance?

Honestly, I am really not materialistic and wouldn't want the money. I've walked away from a relationship before with nothing to my name and I'd do it again if that's what I wanted.

Then if you do have DCs in the future they'll be topping up your pension in your old age as you have nowt. And struggling with their own uni funds as you can't help. But maybe you think it's good for people to have to struggle.
It isn't 'brave' to walk out with nothing.........

I think this is the problem. You’ve learned from somewhere that looking after yourself is selfish, and that martyrdom is noble.

It isn’t. There’s no reward for it. You’re just being walked all over.

I’m horrified to read your posts OP and feel sad for you. You are doing all the donkey work and getting nothing for it.

Think of it this way: if a person scrimps and saves to put a certain amount of money into a savings account per week, the account accumulates into a decent sum over a number of years. This is like your life, only not just with money. Your currency is money, cooking, organising, caring, parenting. You are giving this every week. Over time, this builds into a monumental amount. The catch is, of course, that the “savings account” that you are accumulating is for someone else. And that someone is your partner and his ex wife. Because when 2 people are allowed to the kids’ graduation, it’ll be shit mum and shit dad. Not you, you can stay at home and prepare a meal for when they return and wash the clothes they wore.

Don’t let this tosser rob you of the chance to have your own kids. If you have them with him, he’ll be useless, just as he is with your step kids. And then, he’ll probably go off with another woman - when you’re 40 and knackered with your small kids, he’ll go get himself a fresh 30yo who will do his cooking, cleaning, organising etc.

You sound such a caring, decent, organised and sorted person. And this horrible old loser is just reaping all the benefits of your hard work and consuming your life. He ought to think he’s hit the jackpot, which he has, but rather ridiculously he only asks for more and complains. You are so young and have great prospects but he’s trapped you.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@ForeverAintEnough12 Honestly, I am really not materialistic and wouldn't want the money. I've walked away from a relationship before with nothing to my name and I'd do it again if that's what I wanted.

I know the resounding feedback is to end the relationship, but considering I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that. I've had very strong words about what needs to change, and if they don't then he can't say he was never told.[/quote]
It's easy to think that you can walk away with nothing in your twenties. But in the blink of an eye you will be the wrong side of fifty and looking at a poverty stricken retirement.
You've walked away with nothing before and you're willing to do it again?
You are squandering your asset earning years on these abusive arseholes and no one will thank you for it.
Don't proclaim this with pride - it is shameful.

No. You are not allowed to walk away with nothing. This man and his ex have taken advantage of your generosity for years. You have supported their lifestyle by paying for a bigger house you need because of their children, you have done all his and some of hers childcare, you are buying clothes and things for their children. Don't let them get away with this.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@BlackMarauder It is a very thankless job. Lots of responsibility and sacrifices with none of the 'i love yous', cuddles or handmade cards at school. To be honest, if we were to split up I don't think I'd ever want to be involved with someone who has children again. I know I'd be hard pushed to find someone my age who hasn't, but I think you're right, I'd rather be alone haha. It's not even the children bit that's the problem. The children are great kids - it's everything that comes with it.[/quote]
Do not date another man with kids. And give me a break, no one your age, 30, who doesn't have kids?! There are TONS of men that age who have no kids. 'if' we split needs to become 'after' we split.

Get out now and then sue for your portion of the house. FUCK the pair of them. Get away from them.

For goodness sake OP, please don't compound this shit show by not taking your absolute entitlement financially.

You have been throwing away money that would protect your retirement.

Retirement sounds so far away but thoughts of it are not as far away as you think and it is astonishing how many people are left feeling the pinch.

A comfortable retirement costs SO much money.

Please seek out a quick calculation as to what you need to be comfortable and maintain your lifestyle....it's eye wateringly expensive.

Op, this rang alarm bells in my head: I tried to talk to my dad about it but his response was "Oh poor partner's name, sounds like you gave him a right bollocking."

Are you always dismissed like this? So you start thinking that you’re somehow in the wrong? Do you have other in real life support apart from your family?

You admit that you’ve made a rod for your own back, but does this mean that you deserve to be unappreciated and disrespected? You’ve been together for 5 years. Has anything improved or have things just gone in a downward spiral?

It’s not about being materialistic. You shouldn’t walk away with nothing, take what’s owed to you and what’s rightfully yours. Chances are that once you put your foot down and then decide you’re leaving, you’ll see a sudden transformation. And then you’d think he’s changed, think about having kids and that’s not too bad and then gradually things will slip back to the way there and you’d have sleep walked into more responsibilities that somehow become expected of you.

But whatever you do, get out and away from this pair of abusive twats first. Then get a solicitor.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

But whatever you do, get out and away from this pair of abusive twats first. Then get a solicitor.

This.

Poor OP was only in her 20's when this chancer targeted her.

She sounds like an incredibly capable woman.

But her father's dismissal of her is very telling.

When I think of how my husband adores our daughter's....he would be fit to be tied if he thought ANY man took advantage of their good nature.

I know the resounding feedback is to end the relationship, but considering I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that. I've had very strong words about what needs to change, and if they don't then he can't say he was never told.

But take a step back.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has to be told it's not ok to take advantage of someone in this way?

With someone who either genuinely doesn't see this as taking advantage (so is a shit parent and most likely a sexist who thinks it's just 'what women do') or knows they're taking advantage but doesn't want to change it unless it's down to an ultimatum?

Is that really someone you're happy to spend more time invested in?

You are obviously hugely capable and very loving. You are wasting the potential you have for a glorious, joy filled and purposeful life by staying in this toxic relationship.

If you have to ask, persuade or beg someone to behave in a way that is kind and decent, they aren't someone suitable to be in a relationship with. I wish I had learned that sooner, I wouldn't have spent my 20s in unhealthy relationships!

I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that.

OP I just don't know quite where to start with how conditioned you've been to expect so little of other people.

If I had acted as you did, my husband would be full of gratitude and would probably ask if he could do more / he would be concerned over how much I was taking on, and he would insist on paying for stuff for the DC.

I used to be like you, OP.
I’ve spent years facilitating other people’s dreams at the expense of my own.
Fortunately therapy helped me see that my needs were as important; my god, the relief of disposing all the baggage was life-changing and now I am free. Unlike you with your life ahead of you, I’m in my 50’s, but better late than never!

Any updates @WorkingStepMum90?
Hope you are feeling a new sense of determination.