Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@frazzledasarock this list actually exists and he sees it. His view is that once we've paid everything out we should have the same amount of disposable income... which is all fair and good but he pays child support and for his car (I don't drive) so despite him earning more money than me, his outgoings are significantly higher so to make us have the same amount at the end of the month it's me that coughs up.[/quote]
Just because its his view, the tight prick, doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Can you not see that most woman would laugh at this suggestion?

My mouth is literally hanging open OP.
Why are you allowing yourself to be an unpaid nanny and maid.
I'd have dumped this clown a long time ago.

@Wallywobbles

I know you don't want to hear this but your future is going to be full of regrets. And they will all be about the life you wasted in this relationship instead of living the life you could have done.

But I suspect you haven't reached the bottom yet. I hope for your sake that it come's fast now that you are beginning to open your eyes.

100%!

I think this is something I'll need to chat to my partner about picking up. I'll create a skills matrix of everything that needs to be learned but get him to teach them. Fingers crossed it will make him actually see how many jobs there are!

This is the saddest post you've written on this thread. You are still not seeing how abused you are. ABUSED. Because you are.

@Bananalanacake Well this is what I have been doing over the past 2 months- trying to take some time for myself to actually relax at the weekends.

Don't get me wrong, he'll make sure he has clean clothes and clean dishes to eat off of and I've also been doing the bare minimum for things to tick over. But the issue is that he's used to walking into a show home that smells of wax melts and furniture polish, sitting on sofas that are hoovered daily, his children's beds made up every day and changed fortnightly. Recently the house has been a little more rough around the edges.

So in his mind he's thinking "well, you managed to do all that before, why have you stopped? I'm having to do so much more now". When honestly, I don't know how I was doing it. I was exhausted and probably leaning too much on alcohol to perk me up when I'd finally sit down of an evening.

What would happen if you refuse to do his DC washing and bed changing? when he mentions it you say, 'you know where the washing machine is'.

I'm guessing that following her previous, abusive relationship OP is either consciously or unconsciously afraid to challenge in this way. I can think of no other circumstance where she would put up with this relationship which is sooo unfair, in which a set of parents have each found a new partner snd think that it is reasonable to share the costs of their children four ways, rather than between the parents. And that her partner does not pay any attention to the household needs of the children.

I'm so sorry for you OP, you are being treated very badly, so badly that you are colluding with the people treating you badly.

If you do one thing, have a look at some ways to build up your self esteem. You are currently relying on people outside yourself for that self esteem boost, and of course that means you bend over backward to propitiate your partner.

There is nothing wrong with you buying his children presents or treats while they are with you. Paying for their food and clothes because they need nee things is a whole level of wrong.

He thinks you should have equal spending money, even though he is choosing to pay for a car and rightly supporting his children when they are away (but not when with him coz he knows you will crack and pay for their things). You are young, with no dependents and responsibilities to anyone but your self.

Please see how you are colluding with both parents to be taken advantage of. I'm afraid his behaviour is abusive. I'm so sorry snd hope you can at some point see this.

This is the thing, OP is behaving as if they are married and the children are hers. Paying 50:50, assuming the caring role. However her partner KNOWS she isn't. And deep down so does she.

This.

And what billy said.

PLEASE listen!

You are NOT married, those kids are NOT yours, you are giving up having YOUR own children for this pair of bullying abusers.

Have you told your therapist all that you have shared on this thread. What is their reaction?

Maybe show them this thread.

If they are still saying you, rather than the father, should be making beds for the children, then you have not got the right therapist.

You are brilliant at looking after others. It really is time for you to look after yourself.

You are young, no responsibilities, no dependents. Why do you have to try to get some time to yourself, the whole weekend is yours.

It's not your JOB to make sure he has clean clothes and clean plates to eat off, or his kids. It's HIS.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@DrSbaitso I was referring to my partner's ex's new partner if that make sense? So, the step dad. My partner's ex treats her new partner the same way as my partner treats me- expects him to look after and pay towards the children and he happily does so.

I've had this 'why should I conversation' when his ex wanted me to contribute to the kids more formally (e.g. chip in for football clubs, school uniform, childcare during school holidays) and when I refused saying that I didn't believe that was my responsibility, she then decided to bring my age into it and said to my partner 'this is what you get for going out with someone who's in their 20s- all she thinks of is lining her own pockets and doesn't give a s*t about the kids'. I really let this get under my skin and now probably overcompensate massively.[/quote]
Stop giving the pair of them the power!

Horrible nasty woman makes a manipulative and completely groundless accusation to make you do something? Don't do it! She's a cow with a clear agenda, who cares what she thinks? Why do you think her opinion is worth anything?

And what did he say in response? Did he defend you and tell her you were right and the kids were his and her responsibility?

I was exhausted and probably leaning too much on alcohol to perk me up when I'd finally sit down of an evening.

And he didn't notice? What kind of love is that?

@timeisnotaline yes, to some extent I benefit from the car (food shopping, days out , trips to see the family etc), but the car is not used to do me any favours as such. I cycle to work and if I want to go out by myself I'll just walk or get a taxi wherever I need to go. I asked for a lift to my work Christmas party last year but was a bit huffy about it. So yes and no basically.

I started driving lessons a little while ago but it made me so anxious I was in floods of tears after every lesson. And the pit stains were unreal!

The explanation him and his ex gave was that at our time of life, when you are in a serious relationship you are a team and should not have separate finances and responsibilities. But it seems a little unfair in the sense that I have absolutely no baggage whatsoever and I've had to give up a lot of things I once enjoyed to make this relationship work and the finances balance.

@timeisnotaline sorry, 2019 Christmas party- last Christmas was a bit of a non-event haha

The more I read about step mothers, the more I wonder why on earth any woman would want to become one. The man completely offloads his childcare on partner and the woman accepts this like she's stuck in the 1950s. If my DH died today, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be a stepmother. What a miserable experience.

I feel bad for OP because I get the feeling you lack so much self worth that he's convinced you that you don't deserve better but you do. You're not even married and I honestly don't see you leaving this man. Likely you won't see him for the scum his truly is until after you've added DC to this mess. By then it'll be too late and you've thrown away your life.

@DrSbaitso Oh he noticed. And just said all the drinking I was doing was really unhealthy and costing a lot so I should cut down. Fair point, but it was also a sign that I wasn't coping. I haven't drunk at all in two months now- not surprising this coincided with me downing tools is it?

The explanation him and his ex gave was that at our time of life, when you are in a serious relationship you are a team and should not have separate finances and responsibilities.

Yes, well, first of all, you know what they say about there being an A hole in every TEAM.

Secondly, it's not your time of life. You are significantly younger and you don't have kids.

Thirdly, and most importantly, this is just sanctimonious and hypocritical twaddle. They are simply hijacking the concept of equally shared labour to guilt trip the likes of you into taking on their own responsibilities for them. Amazing how two people with such noble ideas about TEAMWORK couldn't make a successful marriage together, hm? They each had to find someone they could manipulate into doing more of it than they wanted to. Fancy that!

I will say it again....you are being used financially as well as being a free skivvy.

Just leave. The kids will be fine as they are his responsibility not yours.

You are wasting the best years of your life for some selfish, lazy prick that only considers you a blood housekeeper and nanny.

FFS! He wouldn't even give you a lift to your christmas party!!

I do know their set up was very different to ours. He actually took on the majority of the responsibilities for the kids/house and went part time at work as she had her own start-up business.

This is interesting. And a bit sad. Because it proves he does know how to step up and be a great dad and partner. But he’s not doing that for you.

😔

I also hate that you saw your breathtaking dream house snd he wouldn’t get it for you, and that he was a dick about giving you a lift to your Xmas party.

Just chuck him. This is bullshit. And get therapy because your Dad sounds very similar so you’ve probably been brought up to expect crap like this.

@BlackMarauder It is a very thankless job. Lots of responsibility and sacrifices with none of the 'i love yous', cuddles or handmade cards at school. To be honest, if we were to split up I don't think I'd ever want to be involved with someone who has children again. I know I'd be hard pushed to find someone my age who hasn't, but I think you're right, I'd rather be alone haha. It's not even the children bit that's the problem. The children are great kids - it's everything that comes with it.

@WorkingStepMum90 wow they really saw you coming! Who wouldn’t want someone who will mind their children for them, homeschool their children, pay for their children, organise parties and gifts for their children, clean up after their children and cook for their children and all for free!!!

I think you are foolish to say that if you left you wouldn’t touch his deposit. How much money would you have saved without finding his children and mortgage?

From your updates he sounds completely nasty. Huff about giving you a lift, making digs about you drinking on top of everything else.

Please tell me the scales are falling from your eyes and you will finish with him soon.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@DrSbaitso Oh he noticed. And just said all the drinking I was doing was really unhealthy and costing a lot so I should cut down. Fair point, but it was also a sign that I wasn't coping. I haven't drunk at all in two months now- not surprising this coincided with me downing tools is it?[/quote]
No, not at all.

Your drinking is of course your responsibility. But you'd think someone who is so passionate about TEAMWORK, and who is supposed to love you, would accept fewer wax melts (!!) and a fairer share of chores as a low price for your health with regards to alcohol.

. I haven't drunk at all in two months now- not surprising this coincided with me downing tools is it?

Well done, this is such a big step towards your independence.

But it seems a little unfair in the sense that I have absolutely no baggage whatsoever and I've had to give up a lot of things I once enjoyed to make this relationship work and the finances balance.

It's way, way worse than "a little unfair"

Is there anything else about your relationship that you are noticing is completely unfair? Everything is skewed in his favour, nothing in yours.

This the very definition of unfair, you are not being fair to yourself.

So where the fuck was that “working as a team” bullshit when you needed a lift? This man gets huffy when asked for the bare minimum. The audacity is outstanding, he has a woman half his age willing to cook clean and care for his kids and he begrudges you a lift?! Fucking hell. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on, he doesn’t have a cat in hells chance of finding another woman like you.

I've said this before but it can't be said enough. The fairy godmother does not exist. It is bullshit. There is no prize for working yourself into the ground for someone who doesn't love you and doesn't value you beyond your unpaid labour. You don't even get cosmic morality points for it because allowing someone to be treated like dirt - such as yourself - isn't a noble thing to do.

Your only prize for this is more of the same. As a young woman who is interested in having kids, this just isn't good enough. Forget any idea that there is anything noble in allowing this turd to treat you like the live in staff who actually pay him. There's no prize. This is it.

@ForeverAintEnough12 Honestly, I am really not materialistic and wouldn't want the money. I've walked away from a relationship before with nothing to my name and I'd do it again if that's what I wanted.

I know the resounding feedback is to end the relationship, but considering I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that. I've had very strong words about what needs to change, and if they don't then he can't say he was never told.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@ForeverAintEnough12 Honestly, I am really not materialistic and wouldn't want the money. I've walked away from a relationship before with nothing to my name and I'd do it again if that's what I wanted.

I know the resounding feedback is to end the relationship, but considering I've done all this and never complained, I need to take ownership of that. I've had very strong words about what needs to change, and if they don't then he can't say he was never told.[/quote]
OP you can lay down on the floor and paint doormat on your back but that doesn't mean the other person is forced to walk all over you. It says a lot about him that he took advantage. He knew you were vulnerable after having come out of an abusive relationship, he knew you were kind hearted and naïve and he and his ex have fleeced you. They've taken advantage of you OP. Once you really see what's been going on, once you see what kind of person you are with, you won't want to stay in the relationship.