Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

Why on earth are you doing all the hard work for his kids while he does the fun stuff?

Many would not do any parenting of their partner's kids. Some couples would choose to both parent either partner's kids equally. But you are not even doing that - you are parenting his kids, he is just playing x-box with them

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream LOL. I wish I had said that.

Honestly, I'm mad at myself for even questioning myself over this now - of course it's antiquated and wrong. I think that some people just have a way of turning things around and making you start thinking 'am I in the wrong here?'

I feel you may have opened a can of worms there haha. We have shared custody of his children with his ex. If I had to describe the dynamic, he looks after them in terms of doing most of the entertainment style stuff like x-box, movies and football at the park. But I deal with all of the things like cooking their meals, changing their beds, tidying their bedrooms etc. I do all the Christmas/Birthday shopping and parties as well as anything ad hoc like Halloween or World Book Day Costumes. Don't get me wrong, I do find this fun but it's also quite stressful to manage along on top of everything else. I have tried to get him involved and ask him to take some of the responsibility, but this usually means either a last minute rush or the kids being let down as they were this easter when all of the eggs sold out. I felt so guilty I ended up paying through the nose and ordering them eggs next day delivery online.

Yep, Disney Day. No wonder he was available; I imagine his ex, the mother of the children, had enough of this behaviour as well, him getting the fun and medals for 'helping' while she did all the thinking, planning and drudgework. Fuck that.

I'd tell him you're taking a step back and he'll have to step forward to do more of the drudge for his own kids.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream LOL. I wish I had said that.

Honestly, I'm mad at myself for even questioning myself over this now - of course it's antiquated and wrong. I think that some people just have a way of turning things around and making you start thinking 'am I in the wrong here?'[/quote]
Yes, it's called gaslighting. Your partner is very good at it. He's not a partner, he's a using, sexist, gaslighting twat. Are you married to him? At any rate, I'd leave. I'd have another place to live by the end of the month, tell him it's over and walk. You deserve more than a gaslighting, sexist, using arse who has kids.

I swear these threads make me seriously question my sanity. Why are so many women willing to be doormats? Why on earth do you put up with this? Is it low self esteem? People pleaser? Past abusive relationships? I don't get it. Why don't you @WorkingStepMum90 love and value yourself more than you value this waste of space man?

He is sexist. No ifs, ands or buts.

Yep, you're doing all the mental load stuff. He's found himself a housekeeper & a nanny. 🙄

@wombatgoeswild

Yep, you're doing all the mental load stuff. He's found himself a housekeeper & a nanny. 🙄

Who pays her own way, pays for his kids and shares his bed, too!

He needs a kick up the arse. He should be doing - or paying for - 75% of the housework, if not more because I imagine his children create more than 50% of the mess. When did you sign up to be bloody Mary Poppins? You need to step right back from this.

He needs dumped.

Oh @osbertthesyrianhamster!

I have reported your post for shameless Facebooking here on Mumsnet!

That post needs gone!

Well, is he sitting on his phone/ watching tv/ going to his sport/ meeting up with friends while you are still on your feet/backside doing housework/bills/cleaning/cooking.

The MN rule that no one sits down before the other is good.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Oh *@osbertthesyrianhamster*!

I have reported your post for shameless Facebooking here on Mumsnet!

That post needs gone!

What is Facebooking? I've shown nothing but support for this OP who is being used horribly by a sexist man with no respect for her.

@FOJN I realised I've not exactly helped myself using the term, but it's true. I love a tidy home and even if I lived alone that's how I would want the house too. I also love cooking and the satisfaction of seeing the kids enjoy something I've made.

I don't love it so much however when this is taken for granted and I don't have the right to just think 'sod the housework' without backhanded remarks being made,

@WorkingStepMum90 have you read the book Wifework? It’s about who carries the mental (and physical) load of the adulting stuff that has to happen in a home/relationship.

Oh dear Lord, I forgot the smiley face !!

@osbertthesyrianhamster the needs dumpoed thing. Like ads for shitty furniture on Facebook - needs gone today!

Forget it, it was an attempt at humour!

The only time I thank or a knowledge my oh has done the housework is when I’m about to Hoover or do a room or clean the shower and his done it before me as I was about to just do it. But I don’t thank him in general for doing the housework. He does more than me but I do some too.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@FOJN I realised I've not exactly helped myself using the term, but it's true. I love a tidy home and even if I lived alone that's how I would want the house too. I also love cooking and the satisfaction of seeing the kids enjoy something I've made.

I don't love it so much however when this is taken for granted and I don't have the right to just think 'sod the housework' without backhanded remarks being made,[/quote]
What is the situation? Are you married? You say the house is owned jointly, did you put in a deposit, ring fence it? You are being very horribly used here. The backhanded comments are gaslighting to keep you in place enabling this person to keep you doing all the donkey work.

What is your relationship history? You say you have been together for 5 years, is he your first big relationship?

What did you learn about relationships growing up?

Is he much older than you? Some men target young women to mould them to do what they want, sadly. This person is seriously using you.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Oh dear Lord, I forgot the smiley face !!

@osbertthesyrianhamster the needs dumpoed thing. Like ads for shitty furniture on Facebook - needs gone today!

Forget it, it was an attempt at humour!

Oh, I really don't know what that means.

He does need dumped. He's a user.

@Rainbowshine I haven't but it sounds like I need to. Thanks for the constructive advice

Why on earth are you doing all the boring stuff and mental load for his kids. What would he do if you weren't there? Have them less often. He should be doing more housework to cover for them. He is using you. What are you getting out of this relationship other than being an unpaid maid that he feels he can complain about when your work is not up to scratch. You can do better than this.

@osbertthesyrianhamster Yes, we are joint owners.Yes, there's an 11 year age gap so when we moved in together, he already had a deposit which we used for the house but agreed I would pay more off of the mortgage each month to off-set that.

He's not my first relationship, I had a serious relationship before I met him but it was abusive. My SO has never so much as raised his voice at me but we bicker a lot about the workload in the house & money.

Contrary to everyone else if you don't want an argument over it you could just hire a cleaner and take it out the joint account. Or if you don't have a joint account- get him to pay it either directly or indirectly (get him to pay for something you would usually pay for : like the kids extras.)
Not that I'm condoning the behaviour but I realise it take alot of energy to argue housework.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

She was just joking about your grammar, saying you should have said 'he needs TO BE dumped' instead of 'he needs dumped.'

She hasn't really reported your post.

Bloody hell I had to check the date to see if it was 1st April and someone had made up a totally outrageous post to wind us all up.

Please say this isn't true you really aren't living with a lazy entitled twat like this?

Can I ask how old you are? If you were my daughter I would be telling you to dump him immediately.