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Original poster

To have told DH to stick his anniversary card where the sun don’t shine?

296 replies

BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 19/04/2021 10:18

I actually told him to stick it up his arse but that was too impolite to put in the thread title.

This is the card that he’s apparently going to buy me today and give to me when he gets home from work at about 8-9pm.

Our (24th) wedding anniversary is today. He’s had the weekend off from Friday. He came down this morning to a beautifully wrapped present, thoughtfully written card and bar of his favourite expensive chocolate. I expected to come down to flowers and a card at least. He’d gone to work before I came down and I was just slightly devastated to come down to nothing. He just rang me to thank me for what I got him and got an earful.

I don’t want an afterthought late in the evening when the days almost over.

I put up with him being shit on birthdays, Mother’s Day and anniversaries for many years in our marriage but he’d started to put effort in the last few years or so. I’m bloody furious he couldn’t be bothered again, especially as he is extremely lucky to still be married to me (very hard 2 years in our relationship).

It’s not about him splashing the cash either. It’s the thought that counts IMO. That he actually gives a shit.

OP posts:
RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 06:49

I agree with all the pp who say this is about his lack of effort generally with the relationship.

grapewine · 20/04/2021 06:57

I’m coming up to 50 and I think I deserve better after putting my body through having 5 kids. I’ve put a lot of work into my physical fitness and trying to stay attractive for him and it’s wasted on him

When that's how you feel, why don't you leave? He isn't going to suddenly change.

There's no way I would have stayed more than two decades with the man you describe. You can't change him or force him to want to change. But you can change your situation.

MakingPlans21 · 20/04/2021 07:03

Selfish with gifts and floppy in bed? LTB

Nicolastuffedone · 20/04/2021 07:13

Coming up to 30 years here. We don’t have a ‘love language?’ However, we still do cards/gifts for occasions. We often go away for weekends for anniversaries etc. We celebrate everything! For those of you don’t, that’s entirely up to you, that’s where we differ and that’s ok. OP, I’m sorry the day hasn’t gone well...it’s up to you what you do now. 💐

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/04/2021 07:21

@Pyewackect

You sound hard work !.
Oh get lost you silly woman. You might be prepared to put up with a lazy sub standard, useless man but the rest of us are not.

I'd be furious OP. For our 15th anniversary with my ex husband which he knew well in advance I'd organised a great party with all our friends, bought him something he always wanted and a lovely card and I got nothing but a grumpy twat in return. No card, no flowers just a face like a slapped arse.

i have no idea how selfish lazy men think their marriages will survive, you have to make some kind of effort for any relationship to be successful.

After 20 years of his selfish behaviour we are now divorced and I am so much happier. I hated being an after thought in his life.

He once asked me for a £500 christmas gift which I got for him and I got nothing in return, not even a christmas card.

DianaT1969 · 20/04/2021 07:23

This upset could have been avoided if you hadn't bought him a card and gift. Do you see that?
You could have said, "let's go for a pub meal this weekend to celebrate our anniversary". Job done.
Honestly, I think you don't really like him (he doesn't spontaneously make an effort to please you) and the marriage may have been over a while ago.
Don't get men like this cards and presents!!!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/04/2021 07:24

[quote lovepickledlimes]@honeybuns007 why is they gift and card any less thoughtful if presented after work in the evening. It's the fact that OP gave her husband an earful just because he decided to bring the gift anc card after work that I would find bizzar and hard work[/quote]
Because he'd had three days off the weekend previously and couldn't be arsed to go out and choose something nice. He told OP he was getting her a card during the day as an afterthought and I think that lack of preparation for a supposed loved one is unacceptable. Its like saying you don't matter enough for me to be bothered with. My life is much more important.
Amazing how so many of you will accept dregs and crumbs from lazy slobs. It's actually tragic.

lovepickledlimes · 20/04/2021 07:35

@Shehasadiamondinthesky maybe he did already organize it all though over the weekend already and just had it send to the office or ordered to pick up in store so that OP would not see them when at home. Maybe he wanted to actually be there when she opens the gift and card. Just because it was given at the end of the day does not mean it was an afterthought

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 20/04/2021 07:51

After 24 years I would think you'd be past all the presents and cards. We don't do any of that stuff, I don't know anyone who does either. It's just another day.

And thus we march, miserably and inexorably, towards the grave.

No doubt if we all adopt this approach, we'll look back on our deathbeds and say, "You know what made life special. Clearing out the garage on our anniversary rather than wasting any money on a nice restaurant and some fancy flowers. Thank goodness we didn't waste any money on commercial tat but spent it on drain-cleaner instead."

Sweetener12 · 20/04/2021 07:52

YANBU, it's not really thoughtful of him and I don't think it would hurt him to think about the important date beforehand and prepare a gift or a card or a smartshow 3d video or whatever. It's not like you've been together for several months, it's been years of same behavior, so I think this is a pattern. Maybe you should stop doing nice things for him, too, if he doesn't care about this anyway.

honeybuns007 · 20/04/2021 08:03

[quote lovepickledlimes]@honeybuns007 why is they gift and card any less thoughtful if presented after work in the evening. It's the fact that OP gave her husband an earful just because he decided to bring the gift anc card after work that I would find bizzar and hard work[/quote]
Because he had been off work for several days before their anniversary and most people agree that waking up to a card is different as it shows pre-planning. Coming home with one after work and after someone has received gifts just smack of an afterthought. Otherwise why wouldn't they have left it in the morning to come down to and brighten the whole day? It is a DAY to celebrate, not just an after work after thought. Up your value in yourself. You deserve more

honeybuns007 · 20/04/2021 08:05

[quote lovepickledlimes]@Shehasadiamondinthesky maybe he did already organize it all though over the weekend already and just had it send to the office or ordered to pick up in store so that OP would not see them when at home. Maybe he wanted to actually be there when she opens the gift and card. Just because it was given at the end of the day does not mean it was an afterthought[/quote]
yeah....maybe Hmm

lovepickledlimes · 20/04/2021 08:07

@honeybuns007 I don't know about you but I would want my partner to see my face when I open the gift and read the card. I would know he did preplan it even if he delivered it after work etc.

sweetgenevincent1 · 20/04/2021 08:10

I've given up looking forward to birthdays or anniversaries. He never forgets but unless I send a link to something I want he will buy something totally useless. Oh I didn't know what to get, it's not that hard. I'm sixty soon. I will get a card flowers maybe a candle. No surprise party or cake. No surprise holiday like a friend of mine. I expect to be disappointed every year and always am so I tend to not celebrate. In other ways he's really good tho

Original poster
BacktoBeingAGymBunny · 20/04/2021 09:57

As an update, he came home with TWO bouquets of flowers, a card and a naice quiche for me to have for lunch today Hmm.

He actually sent me a photo of himself with the flowers in the morning as a ‘look what I gotcha’. Idiot!

He did apologise and say he couldn’t be bothered to go out on Sunday to get me something as he thought he’d get something on Monday when he was at work. He was mortified I’d prepared something for him to come down to apparently.

He only had a line of the chocolate I bought him so I finished the rest Wink.

I ended up cooking a nice dinner as I’d already planned to and had the ingredients. We had discussed going out for dinner prior to Sunday but I had told him to find somewhere for once and book it. Of course that was beyond his capabilities.

He actually has more opportunity to shop than me and will often bring stuff home. I WFH so less opportunity to get to a shop but still managed to get him something to open in the morning. He knows I think you should wake up to presents and cards and not leave it till later in the day when the day is almost over. It just makes the day feel special. I’ve always done it for the DC and him and he normally does it for me.

OP posts:
CoconutMaracas · 20/04/2021 10:12

Hopefully he won’t forget again! My dh is like this and is now drilled into him that it needs to be there in the morning😂

honeybuns007 · 20/04/2021 11:45

[quote lovepickledlimes]@honeybuns007 I don't know about you but I would want my partner to see my face when I open the gift and read the card. I would know he did preplan it even if he delivered it after work etc.[/quote]
Mine leaves a card by my bedside or bathroom basin for me to wake to, has flowers delivered during the day whilst he is at work and then gives me a gift in the evening. He makes absolutely sure that I know I am loved in many, many ways. He certainly doesn't leave me hanging all day until he gets home. He likes to put a smile on my face all day and not only when he is around

SnowAllSpring · 20/04/2021 11:52

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

And thus we march, miserably and inexorably, towards the grave.No doubt if we all adopt this approach, we'll look back on our deathbeds and say, "You know what made life special. Clearing out the garage on our anniversary rather than wasting any money on a nice restaurant and some fancy flowers. Thank goodness we didn't waste any money on commercial tat but spent it on drain-cleaner instead."

No doubt if we all adopt this approach, we'll look back on our deathbeds and say, "You know what made life special. Travelling together, talking to each other, fucking each other, exploring the world
sharing books and films and gigs and exhibitions, days with friends.. rather than wasting any money on commercialised generic tat for Hallmark zombies. Thank goodness we didn't waste any money on commercial tat but spent it on actually experiencing the world instead."

Ftfy. Yw.

SnowAllSpring · 20/04/2021 11:53

Amazing to read your lovely update, OP. Such a relief that your husband's terrible erectile dysfunction and your contempt for him are all better now.

HeckyPeck · 20/04/2021 12:16

@DianaT1969

This upset could have been avoided if you hadn't bought him a card and gift. Do you see that? You could have said, "let's go for a pub meal this weekend to celebrate our anniversary". Job done. Honestly, I think you don't really like him (he doesn't spontaneously make an effort to please you) and the marriage may have been over a while ago. Don't get men like this cards and presents!!!
It's sad that people think the answer is for OP to stop expecting any spontaneous effort to please her.

What a sad way to live to just give up on expecting to have your husband show he loves you.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 20/04/2021 12:42

Its good he got you flowers in the end but the 'couldn't be bothered' bit would really have pissed me off. Hopefully nest time he will be more thoughtful.

LagunaBubbles · 20/04/2021 13:29

After 24 years I would think you'd be past all the presents and cards. We don't do any of that stuff

Ah so everyone else should be the same as you? Its like a competition on here at times regarding celebrations and how little you can do. Birthdays, anniversaries etc....nope don't matter, don't celebrate. I find it really sad, like why should anyone ever be "past it" showing thoughtfulness etc.

LagunaBubbles · 20/04/2021 13:35

And no I don't "need" a card and presents to show my DH cares either, lots of opportunities in our relationship for that and vice versa. Its just nice.

cyclingmad · 20/04/2021 13:47

Wow so your husband had planned to get you something and whilst he was at work thus being 'efficient' with his time (fair enough) and instead you screamed at times down the down in the morning and now call him and idiot for sending you a picture.

You had some notion in your head of wanting a surprise in the morning because that's what you did for him and because he didn't do the same as you, you threw a fit instead of waiting to see after work if he was doing anything for you.

I mean ffs at least wait until the end of the day before complaining if he did or didn't do anything.

You sound so controlling in wanting everything how you want it, well I want him to surprise me in the mornings

I mean ffs he is his own person, just because he wants to shop on the day and give it to you after why does that even have to be an issue.

Its the thought of still picking things etc.

You choose toplan in advance thats your choice.

Someone else said industries are created out of playing up on peoples emotions. Like I honestly I get it, the whole you need to celebrate this, that the other, has to be a big deal, can't ever forget or he or she is a a-hole. I just don't subscribe to this, it just serves to make people feel like shit about their partners wheb their partners might shine in many other ways but because they don't shine in the way society has normalised it they are shit partners.

Robin233 · 20/04/2021 13:54

Read love languages.
I'm both physical and quality time in equal measure.
Couldn't give a stuff about cards and stuff or acts of service - unless I'm really busy. Like to give cards and presents.